kaoskitten88 Posted August 21, 2004 Posted August 21, 2004 Here's my somewhat long & complicated situation: I am a 22-y.o. bisexual woman, and my boyfriend of just over a year is 36 and straight. We are very much in love and are very sexually adventurous, with a plentiful amount of orgasms on both ends. We see eye to eye on almost everything, have great communication, and even argue well when we do disagree. We are very serious and began discussing marriage about 6 months ago, as something we'd both like to do in the next few years. We are perfect for each other in every way but one: he wants to have threesomes with another woman during the period of time before we get married (in 3-5 yrs.) and I don't. I would be fine if he just wanted to watch me get it on with another girl, or for him to touch her in non-sexual places, but he wants to stimulate her manually on her breasts and genitals, and receive similar stimulation from her, with the possibility of more if we got into it. I am not comfortable with the idea of him exchanging sexual pleasure with another woman. He says that this is an experience (or series of experiences) that he doesn't want to settle down without having (he says he wouldn't want to violate the sanctity of marriage by doing it after he was married), and that the woman that he will marry will do it with him and let reservations down enough to enjoy it. He says that my hesitation is because of a lack of trust in him, closed-mindedness due to my youth, or insecurity in myself, but I disagree. I am not insecure, because I know that I am pretty, thin, smart, and sexually adept. And I do trust him not to leave me as a result of a threesome. He says that part of love is letting the other person be free to do what they want, as long as there is no deception involved, and that it would make our relationship stronger to see that we can survive with that freedom. Am I being selfish to hold on to this idea of sex between opposite sexes as being only desirable between 2 people? Would it be worth the risk of trying it and feeling terrible, in order to bridge this one issue between us and quell his need for more sexual adventure before we settle down? Is my discomfort truly a product of my youth? HELP!!?
morrigan Posted August 22, 2004 Posted August 22, 2004 Bad idea. Threesome are one thing if the relationship and everyone is participating of their own volition. It's a whole different ballpark to watch someone you love be sexually intimate with someone else. I don't see a threesome as a good test for the strength of a relationship. Being 22 and being uncomfortable with the idea of a threesome is pretty much the same feeling as being 52 and being uncomfortable with a threesome. A lot of people have fantasy sexual scenarios, but a mature person realizes you can't always get what you want, and that it might not be worth the trouble. You are in a serious relationship with this man, and he's trying every tactic he can to persuade you to agree to a situation you clearly do not want to occur. If the thought of this threesome disturbs you, tell him you are not going to do it--even if it means the end of your marriage plans, because to be honest, if jealousy or resentment arises out of this threesome, there may not be any marriage plans anyway.
honey2005 Posted August 22, 2004 Posted August 22, 2004 If you don't want to do it, DON'T DO IT. He should accept the fact that you aren't comfortable with him being with another woman. If he protests, ask him how he would feel if you had sex with another man. He says that this is an experience (or series of experiences) that he doesn't want to settle down without having (he says he wouldn't want to violate the sanctity of marriage by doing it after he was married), and that the woman that he will marry will do it with him and let reservations down enough to enjoy it. He says that my hesitation is because of a lack of trust in him, closed-mindedness due to my youth, or insecurity in myself, but I disagree. I am not insecure, because I know that I am pretty, thin, smart, and sexually adept He's just making those excuses to try and change your mind. I don't want my boyfriend having sex with or touching another girl sexually and I trust him very much. Just because you trust someone doesn't mean you're going to not mind when they are touching another person. If you don't want to do it, don't.
RowanRavyn Posted August 22, 2004 Posted August 22, 2004 This sweet girl is called manipulation. If you are truly Bi-sexual, you are already denying yourself part of your nature to be with him exclusively. Why on earth would he want to cause you distress and possible true temptation if he loves you. Do what's best for YOU. I think that threesomes are in general a bad idea. Most certainly with a longterm otherwise monogomus couple are involved. If its uncomfortable for anyone involved its NOT a good idea.
rubie Posted August 23, 2004 Posted August 23, 2004 Originally posted by RowanRavyn This sweet girl is called manipulation. If you are truly Bi-sexual, you are already denying yourself part of your nature to be with him exclusively. Why on earth would he want to cause you distress and possible true temptation if he loves you. that is what entered my mind when I read your post. DON'T DO IT. You're agaist it. Jeeze, it'd be awful to have a threesome if you didn't want it. Ugh. Your man should accept this and not criticize you for not wanting to do it.
lauramarie Posted August 23, 2004 Posted August 23, 2004 if it weirds you out this much..he should love you anough to back off NOT keep pressuring you! have enough self assurance to back your self up and if he won't let up..tell him where to go..if he acts like this now..imagine when you are married..he is placing his wants above yours feelings..which..isn't very good when you are married.
savethedrama4allama Posted August 23, 2004 Posted August 23, 2004 If he doesn't want to "violate the sanctity" of your marriage by having a threesome then, wouldn't it be a violation of your monogomous commitment now? In my opinion, it definitely is. With that said- there is no right or wrong answer when it comes to this stuff, really you have to trust your gut. From what you've written here, it sounds like your gut is screaming "no!"
RowanRavyn Posted August 23, 2004 Posted August 23, 2004 I hate playing devils advocate, but here goes. My honey and I actually had fun debating this one, and we agree that you shouldn't do something that you don't want to do, and he shouldn't try to force you. I stand by my original post that said its not fair for him to put temptation in your face since you are already denying part of your sexual nature for him. However.... Why would it be ok for YOU to touch another woman in this situation and not him?
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