Manifesto of a Single Guy

[BillyBinkins]

A Single Guy's Manifesto

or

How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Being Alone

by

A Really Lonely Guy

 

Okay, look: I'm really not bitter. Truly. And I'm going to (attempt to) not be one of those whiny guys you always see bitching about how they can't get a girl. No, crying about the opposite sex and how "all women are bitches" isn't going to get me anywhere and it's not going to be an interesting read; what I'm going for is a little more in depth: this is nothing more than an article to articulate a certain point, and that point is this.

 

Some people, I truly and honestly believe, are not intended--by "God" or "life" or whatever you'd like to call it--to find a lifelong mate. But like I said, I'm not bitter. All of the following is true.

 

A little background, real quick--and you can skip this bit if you'd like, I suppose. In my 23 years, I've had two relationships that I would describe as "meaningful." The first was with my ninth grade girlfriend--we were together for roughly six months but still stayed in touch throughout high school and a bit after. It ended poorly and, well, it's the past. I don't think about it.

 

The second "meaningful relationship" I ever had was with my now ex-wife. Obviously she and I had a relationship that we both thought was perfect--we got married, for Chrissakes--and it was great. Clearly since she's now my ex wife it wasn't, you know, that great, but I loved it.

 

Anyway, I just wanted to throw those both out there simply as a way of showing that I'm not one of those "oh God I'm forever alone" guys that begins to believe their own negative hype; I've had relationships, so I know it's not intrinsically "something wrong with me."

 

But for ****'s sake, I just can't figure out what it is.

 

What's stopping me from actually meeting and conversing with women and, ultimately, creating a relationship that is mutuallly enjoyed? I have no idea.

 

So, weird self-deprecating nerdy sir, you say, what have you actually tried, then?

 

Here's a list:

 

Bars. The old faithful, tried and true method that just happens to be bull****. Bars only attract, in my experience, a select few types of women: already attached chicks hanging with their boyfriends/husband/friends; older women just out for a good time and maybe the attention/affection of some youngster like myself; drunk chicks just looking for a **** and a wine and dine. I'm looking for a legitimate, actual relationship, not just a lay--bars aren't the way to go. Furthermore, it kind of comes off as desperate to go to the bar by yourself, day in and day out, in hopes of finding some chick with low enough standards and high enough BAC to **** me, let alone actually get into a relationship.

 

Online dating. In my experience, another big ol' pile of ****. Are there literally thousands of single girls on the internet? Perhaps. Have I ever genuinely known anyone who's met someone online? Nope. Have I ever gotten a response--a single response-- from any girl I find even moderately attractive, either physically or otherwise? Not once. Not one time. I currently have five online dating accounts which I check with a frequency that would probably make most people throw me in a padded room, and I still get absolutely zero return on my investment. I suspect this is really more of a result of where I live--a super rural area--but it is what it is.

 

Parties/hanging with friends. I'm only including this one because I hear it so damn much: "just hang out with your friends/hit up some parties and you're sure to find a chick." Is that true? Potentially. Is it true for me? Hell no. Firstly, and I say this with absolutely no self-pity or exaggeration, I have very few friends. Two, in fact: one of whom has a girlfriend with whom he lives and therefore has neither the time nor the inclination to devote to helping me get a chick; the other is a shut-in, nerdy, neckbeard kinda guy who, God love him, just doesn't get out much. That's it; that's my list. Parties? ****, I got invited to a LAN party last week, but there weren't a lot of chicks hanging around my buddy's basement, you know?

 

Random Daily Encounters. I just made this one up, but it's kind of the catch-all, last ditch attempt that everyone throws out there. "Oh, just strike up a conversation in line at Starbucks/getting a haircut/walking your cat." Firstly, I have to ask who the **** these people are that just walk up to chicks in line at Starbucks and ask for a phone number to go with their frappucino. Somehow, in my mind, this comes off as both extremely creepy and really rather depressing. Secondly, I've found through experience--i.e. doing this and asking people--that trying to hit on, say, your waitress is just asking for trouble. People at work are in the work frame of mind; they don't want to get picked up. Furthermore, any amount of flirting you may get from a situation like this--your waitress, for example--is designed specifically to increase his or her financial reward--you see some cleavage, she gets a good tip. I'm certainly not arrogant enough to think that girls are only showing off/being coy for me. It just comes with the territory.

 

As far as I can tell, that's it. That's how you meet women. One of those things above, and you're guaranteed. Except it just doesn't work. Other guys? Sure, yeah, works for them. Me? Not a drop.

 

And through all of this, I'm not bitter, I swear. I just felt the need to get this all off my chest so that maybe someone, somewhere, will read this and realize it's not just them. Some people are just born to be exes, I guess.

 

Anyway, that's my take on things. Maybe I'm missing something blindingly obvious--who knows. Any and all suggestions are appreciated.

Edited January 14, 2013 by BillyBinkins
Added a bit.

[outsidethebox]

Just my opinion, only being 23 and already married and divorced you've had a more active social life than a lot of people by 23.

 

I'm from that region of the country and I know what you mean about it is what is. The plus side is people are friendlier in small place. The downside is that's all the people there are.

 

Fun is where you find it. That's all you need for now.

[BillyBinkins]

The whole "married and already divorced" bit is pretty true, I guess. At least from an outsider's perspective.

 

But it doesn't feel that way to me. I've never, ever been the social butterfly that everyone else I know/have known has been. I mean, I realize that I'm probably on the upper end of the social spectrum from some people, and I certainly don't mean to trivialize their issues with such a life but...well, ****. I'm divorced at 23; my marriage lasted less than a year. I'm hard pressed to find the silver lining in this situation, you know?

 

As for people being friendlier, you're right...at least until they're no longer your friends. At that point, it's like living in a ****ing war zone, you know? Especially considering my ex is pretty friggin' popular--not exclusively for the "right" reasons, so to speak--around my area. Everyone knows and likes her...which means most people know and dislike me.

 

As for fun being where I find it: I can't argue with that. Unfortunately, though, there's several degrees of difference between "fun" and what I do on the daily.

[Esoteric Elf]

Just my opinion, only being 23 and already married and divorced you've had a more active social life than a lot of people by 23.

That would be me. I am 23 and have never had a girlfriend and am a virgin. End of story. I can talk of relationships, but they are the kind that exist in the head.

[Sun Devil]

Esoteric elf, have you ever approached girls. I did not until a year ago. Girls will not come to you, but you must approach them

[outsidethebox]

Billy, that's a tough situation about the ex and others taking sides, etc. The most important thing, and I know this is very, very difficult so soon after the divorce, but the most important thing is that there be no sides. Absolutely no bitterness, backstabbing, he said she said, her fault, or anything about it at all. You could and probably do say that she is the one turning people against you, etc., but you have to let this one go. Que sara sara, what will be will be and all that good stuff.

 

I say that because of your situation in a small community. I was bitter and my friends kindly listened to me but I had moved to a different part of the country for work.

 

Then the fun comes from your attitude. Laugh and joke and if someone thinks you're goofy blame it on the glue you used for something. And flirt. Not hit on. Just I'm working on my darlin's just in case. Good ol' boy stuff.

 

I would never be able to pull it off but hopefully you're more of a good ol' boy than I am.

Edited January 15, 2013 by outsidethebox

[Esoteric Elf]

Esoteric elf, have you ever approached girls. I did not until a year ago. Girls will not come to you, but you must approach them

You're telling me. I am so shy, if I meet an attractive girl, tears form in my eyes and I have to look away rather than let her see that. I therefore tried online dating...yeah...no explanations needed. So I promptly retracted from DSR (though I had never been there). I am content with my life anyway.

[monicaelise]

Nothing is guaranteed anywhere, but do you have interests/hobbies that put you in social situations? For example, my parents met while camping and many, many moons ago I met a man-boy at the gym who I ultimately ended up in a 2.5 year relationship with. In neither of these scenarios, my parents or my own, was the intention to find someone but, by virtue of being in places with people who had similar interests (which didn't involve getting barfy, falling down drunk), contact was made.

 

Keep in mind you're 23...just 23. I too had already been married and divorced ..and had a kid (who's now 23 and married with a kid)...by that age. I went on to marry again not long after and I stayed with that man for ten years. After I left that relationship, I went on to have several others that have ranged in length from 6 months to a year and a half. I'm pretty sure I'm "retired" now, but who knows...

 

The point of all of this is to show you that you're definitely not doomed to being someone's ex forever. The game is not over my friend. In fact, it's barely begun.

[favoritepills]

Hmm. I agree that fun is where you find it. If you appreciate and enjoy your life for what it is, then great. Maybe you'll find a gal, maybe you won't -- it shouldn't matter.

 

However, I wouldn't be too quick to make such a huge conclusion about your life when you're only 23 (and I say that as a 23 year old who gets that "when you're older, you'll understand" crap a lot!). Anything can happen.

 

I also think that perhaps your online dating woes are probably in part due to where you live; it's a smaller pool to choose from, and maybe online dating has more of a stigma over there? I'm proof that online dating success stories can happen: no joke, I met the love of my life on Craigslist.

[outsidethebox]

That's actually a hell of an accomplishment.

[Lysssa]

Are you my doppelganger?

21, recently separated. Thought he was the love of my life. Then something just... went wrong.

I've been told I'm a very attractive person. Yet, no matter what I do... still single. Quite a few guys I know are constantly saying how cool it would be to find a chick that was accepting of their lifestyles. (Gaming, Computers, DandD) All the while I'm sitting right there, selling the goods I just collected on a quest in Skyrim.

 

I go to clubs, bars, coffee shops....

I meet people that are just... psychotic.

Then I meet people I'm really digging and they stop talking to me out of the blue.

 

What the ****? I too am baffled by this.

 

But as you said... I'm not bitter.

You know... the only guys I make connections with are either bastards or players.

But yea, not bitter in the slightest.

Meh.

If you ever find an answer to this conundrum, be sure to share it with the rest of us.

[El Brujo]

You make it sound like that's your only purpose in life. IMO that's why you're unhappy.

 

As for me, yeah, of course I'm lonely, DUH... but I'm also independent, and I'm free to do whatever I want, as long as it won't get me arrested. When I'm feeling lonely, I do other things: write some fiction, build something, go hiking... anything but sit and feel sorry for myself.

 

However, I wonder sometimes... what are the single women doing? Are they sitting around with evil grins on their faces, thinking "ha ha, I'm totally getting away with depriving some poor guy out there of a little companionship"?

[Lysssa]

You make it sound like that's your only purpose in life. IMO that's why you're unhappy.

 

As for me, yeah, of course I'm lonely, DUH... but I'm also independent, and I'm free to do whatever I want, as long as it won't get me arrested. When I'm feeling lonely, I do other things: write some fiction, build something, go hiking... anything but sit and feel sorry for myself.

 

However, I wonder sometimes... what are the single women doing? Are they sitting around with evil grins on their faces, thinking "ha ha, I'm totally getting away with depriving some poor guy out there of a little companionship"?

Not all of them. Some of them are sitting in the same place as you thinking... WTF is going on?

[Irial]

It seems to me like saying you are meant to be the ex/alone at the age of 23 (when most people I know haven't even got married, let alone had a meaningful relationship), is a bit of an exaggeration. I know several guys who, at the age of 23, hadn't even had their first kiss, but then later found themselves a girl.

 

Just because you haven't found another girl yet, doesn't mean you won't find her. Sometimes it takes more time than others, that's all.

 

P.S. I met 2 of the guys I've dated long term (one of which I am still dating) online. If I were single right now, dating sites would keep being my best bet. Don't get discouraged by the lack of responses, it just takes ONE right response to possibly grant you a date.

 

Also: have you ever thought of moving away from where you are? Maybe a change of scenery would be good for a fresh start and give you more dating opportunities

[Nyla]

This is a clichè, but love will happen when you are not looking for it.

 

When I was single, I searched frequently and even put up with stuff nobody should experience, just because I was lonely.

 

I met my husband and it was a blind date. Neither of us thought we were meeting our last love that night.

 

If you are short and bald, you can still meet a woman. Happens all the time. I know an ugly guy who meets all his women off telephone dating systems. Most women walk away when they meet him, but sometimes he gets someone who is desperate enough and has a lot of baggage that scares other men away. He only likes damaged girls and I dated this man when I was a naive 20 year old with low self worth.

 

I agree that randomly approaching a woman is very creepy. A handsome man tried that with me the other day; he sat at the same table when I was having a snack in a mall. We were waiting for our food and he said to the clerk "I'm going to sit with this nice looking lady!"

 

I thought he was just flirting, until he actually joined me at my table. He also said "Don't tell your boyfriend!" The only reason I didn't tell him to go away was I could see that he was lonely and I felt bad for this man, so we had some chitchat until he realized I wasn't going to give him a number because I am married.

[bobsmith76]

I sympathize with your post and I understand how you feel. It's very hard out there being a single guy. Women are way too picky and they reject men for the most ridiculous reasons. You seemed burned out. I would recommend just trying to not think about dating for a while so as to let the frustration cool down. I'm not going to hit you with that tired cliche love will hit you when you least expect because I don't believe that, but 23 is quite young and I would recommend just trying to search but do so with less intensity. The harder you try to find love the more frustrated you become.

[galaxyman]

OP, I really enjoyed reading your post. I related to it, and to be frank, laughed my ass off in agreement of some of the things you wrote. Much like you, I've had my share of healthy relationships in the past (3 year one was my longest during college). However, since then, 4 years of nothing. Zilch. Most of the time it didn't bother me, but I feel that a lot of the advice that I've been getting from books or people has muddled my perception of how relationships really come about.

 

I too have taken similar routes: "bars/friends/online/"let it happen"...all the typical advice + BS from 1-2 books talking about making that emotional connection/ asking the "right questions". It's kind of ironic how the first time I actually felt very intrigued speaking to a woman (in years) was at the cash the other day at the liquor store. We just started to casually laugh at the way she packed my drinks and spent something like 5-6 minutes talking about nothing. It's too bad that she was married, but I was amazed at how much we dug each other without really going through the "getting to know you routine". Point is: I'm starting to realize that a lot of the advice out there is very theoretical, usually given by people who "figure that this would mathematically increase your chances of finding someone".

 

It seems to me that this approach is a bit too logical for something like this. You can't really predict for natural chemistry and instinct I suppose. Anyways, thanks for the post. You're right, it's good to see that I'm not alone in experiencing these things.

[Big Blue Box]

Nothing is guaranteed anywhere, but do you have interests/hobbies that put you in social situations?

 

Just out of curiosity, but if someone does not have any interests or hobbies that would put him or her into a social situation how does someone get into such a hobby?

[ruh roh]

OP, I really enjoyed reading your post. I related to it, and to be frank, laughed my ass off in agreement of some of the things you wrote. Much like you, I've had my share of healthy relationships in the past (3 year one was my longest during college). However, since then, 4 years of nothing. Zilch. Most of the time it didn't bother me, but I feel that a lot of the advice that I've been getting from books or people has muddled my perception of how relationships really come about.

 

I too have taken similar routes: "bars/friends/online/"let it happen"...all the typical advice + BS from 1-2 books talking about making that emotional connection/ asking the "right questions". It's kind of ironic how the first time I actually felt very intrigued speaking to a woman (in years) was at the cash the other day at the liquor store. We just started to casually laugh at the way she packed my drinks and spent something like 5-6 minutes talking about nothing. It's too bad that she was married, but I was amazed at how much we dug each other without really going through the "getting to know you routine". Point is: I'm starting to realize that a lot of the advice out there is very theoretical, usually given by people who "figure that this would mathematically increase your chances of finding someone".

 

It seems to me that this approach is a bit too logical for something like this. You can't really predict for natural chemistry and instinct I suppose. Anyways, thanks for the post. You're right, it's good to see that I'm not alone in experiencing these things.

 

I agree that most all dating sites, match makers, etc. use mathematics to increase the odds of meeting someone that you will click with. Basically the formula boils down to the more situations that you put yourself into around the opposite sex, the better the odds of picking a winner.

My self, I believe it's just like every other opportunity that you get in life, being in the right place at the right time! (luck my friend) Of course when that occurs, you will still have to use your personality,wisdom and tact to succeed.

Also don't forget that there is so much more to enjoy in life than just dating or having a steady partner. Everyone hits dry spells and sometimes it is during these spells that you may have the best times of your life. There is a benefit to being totally free to roam!

[PogoStick]

Oh are we resurrecting this thread? Well then I'm compelled to point out that not a single person mentioned going to COLLEGE! Well ok, 1 guy just did and totally glossed over it. There's nothing better than being stuck in a room for months with random people, often being asked to interact. I met my ex by helping her study for statistics.

 

Join a coed volleyball team, local theater or choir group. Those artsy types tend to be pretty welcoming and social.

 

And if your excuse is that you live in the middle of nowhere. Well, it's difficult to change physics for you. Like, it's impossible to make water if hydrogen and oxygen never hang out in the same area.

[Imported]

All the stuff you tried and claim doesn't work for you, keep trying. I am gonna guess you don't really try or your idea of trying is different than my idea. You're not overlooking anything. If you can't make that **** work, well than you are ****ed and should continue trying to convince yourself that you are actually happy to be alone.

[Shardish]

Esoteric elf, have you ever approached girls. I did not until a year ago. Girls will not come to you, but you must approach them

 

I'd be inclined to ask you the same question.

[Shardish]

I don't have a problem being single, I don't really ever get lonely and I don't ever feeling like I'm missing out by never having loved or had sex. I've had a good life and I'm always looking to improve as a person. If I don't ever find someone special and if I don't ever manage to have sex then I don't think I'll be upset about it. Sure I would like to experience love and sex, but if it happens it happens and if it doesn't, then it doesn't.

 

I'm just going to live life to the best of my ability and see where life takes me.

[BillyBinkins]

Sorry in advance for resurrecting this, but... ::shrug::

 

So I wrote the first thingy, like, four months ago. And apparently it was at least somewhat interesting since I got a lot of replies (thanks!). There were also a friggin' ton of questions and in an attempt to answer some of those, here's this:

 

To whomever asked about college: yeah, that would probably be fantastic. Except I didn't go and have no interest in going and, at this point, am really too old to use it as any kind of chick-meeting scenario at this point. These chicks are going to parties and bars with, like, friends. I'm the creeper in the corner reading loveshack on my iPhone, ya know?

 

To whomever asked about hobbies: Not really. I mean, I have hobbies, sure, but none that would ever put me into anything remotely resembling a social situation (e.g., I play guitar a bit, I read a ****load of comics and books, I watch sci-fi movies and screw around with my PC).

 

(As an aside about the previous, because I just know someone's gonna call me on it: yes, I realize guitars are chick magnets. However, my musical tastes don't really appear on the top forty and, as such, I'm pretty well ****ed nowadays; the only chicks that are into the same music scene as me are already dating accomplished musicians and ****; they aren't looking for us three remaining Pearl Jam fans strumming an acoustic in their room, drunk off our asses.)

 

For anyone wondering if and/or how things have changed since my original posting: none, actually. Not one iota, unless you count the fact that I now have fewer friends rather than more.

 

The closest I've come yet to anything like a "relationship" was the one chick who responded to me responding to her Craigslist post (sorry, that was probably a confusing way to phrase it, but I really can't be bothered to use the backspace key at this point). Anyway, she and I clicked (at least, I thought so) and talked and talked and talked for, like, a day. She agreed that we should "get together sometime and do something" and, since then, won't respond to a single email or Facebook message.

 

Seriously, at this point, I'm about ready to get traded to the other team, ifyaknowwhatimean.