Back home, the road starts

[crashvector]

I'm back after being away for a few days.

 

Today is my birthday.

 

I was put back on mood stabilizers at triple the dose from before.

 

I'm still really hurting, but at least I'm not swinging wildly from anger to extreme grief now.

 

I've learned a couple things about myself...and about how to cope. One of the counselors there told me something I guess I kind of knew, but never realized if you know what I mean.

 

She said "The beautiful thing about what you have is this: As desperately as you can be hurt, you are equally capable of love...and NO ONE can love like a bipolar person can, that's a FACT. It's just is not possible for anyone to feel love as deeply as someone like you, and its a truly, TRULY beautiful thing."

 

I guess it made it really hit home...the reason I am capable of experiencing what some people here refer to as "fairy tale love" that is almost limitless is because I am also capable of being hurt SO badly.

 

My friends have poured out their adoration for me...many came to see me and expressed how sorry they were that I was so hurt that it came to taking such extreme measures to even start to ease the pain and suffering I am in.

 

While there, I met someone like me, and I think we are going to be good friends. She did a lot to help me, being as I think she is absolutely hilarious, and she kept me laughing so much that my face is actually sore.

 

I have always made friends very easily, and to make a new one that TRULY understands what it feels like is a good thing. I didnt have to repeat things like I normally do in order to get people to understand, and even then, I know they CANT understand.

 

Since I got home this morning, we have talked a few times on the phone, and of course, I found myself actually LAUGHING. Hard.

 

Being as today is my birthday, I AM pretty upset. first time in more than 5 years that I know I won't get to hear that sweet voice tell me "Happy Birthday, I love you SO much."

 

It's strange how stuff can get "imprinted" on you.....like a voice....the way just hearing her used to make me feel all warm inside...I could hear her voice and imagine how she smelled...how warm her skin was...how when I hugged her...every problem I was facing just seemed to melt away. I'd give anything, including selling my soul to the devil...to have a chance to hold her again like that.

 

I spent most every night there crying...allowing myself to grieve. I still haven't eaten anything...it's been 8 days since I last ate anything..but the new friend IS making me feel better.

 

This will be a very long, hard road for me. People like me possess extraordinarily vivid memories.....with associated feelings that are equally as powerful. We cannot erase our pain, it is not possible. Somehow, I will eventually learn to compartmentalize the immense pain I am in. Considering how much I was in love with her, I know it will be years before I am recovered enough to even consider a new relationship. That is the curse...that is the cross that I have to bear for what I am.

 

Still...today is a very hard day for me, and I am struggling. I want NOTHING more than my angel, and at this point I remain inconsolable without her.

 

I know she's gone and there is nothing I can do except respect her wishes and not contact her for 3 or 4 months. Still...I'm almost desperate to hear her voice...but I will NOT contact her.

 

Happy birthday to me indeed.

[Balzac]

Happy Birthday!!

 

Thanks for the update. Take care of yourself.

 

Again, I'm sorry about your painful loss.

[crashvector]

Thanks.

 

I realize that this is just the beginning of the process to recovering from this.

 

However, I realize that eventually, I will recover....it will just take a very long time.

[Balzac]

Most interesting are your comments about how you love. Reading your posts it's easy for us "lesser capable" to think "WOW, just WOW". I mean I feel love, express my love and yet by comparison: less amplitude.

I get that your pain is equally intense. That was some valuable insight.

 

Life is a journey, not a destination.

[FailedFirstLove]

Happy birthday! And welcome back, I'm glad you are Feeling better! This new friend of yours could be the one! You never know. Could bloom into something beautiful! Hang in there

[crashvector]

Most interesting are your comments about how you love. Reading your posts it's easy for us "lesser capable" to think "WOW, just WOW". I mean I feel love, express my love and yet by comparison: less amplitude.

I get that your pain is equally intense. That was some valuable insight.

 

Life is a journey, not a destination.

 

Its not that anyone else is less or more...ot that the love you feel is any less "real". I meant no insult.

 

People like me have on average 10-15x the number of neurons devoted to emotions and the processing of them...so while we arent capable of having love that is "better" or "more real", we FEEL it more intensely...if that makes sense.

 

Sorta like how eating a peppermint makes drinking cool water feel colder in your mouth.

[crashvector]

Happy birthday! And welcome back, I'm glad you are Feeling better! This new friend of yours could be the one! You never know. Could bloom into something beautiful! Hang in there

 

Im not kidding...she is THE funniest person ive ever met...my face actually hurts from laughing at her.

 

I dunno about the one...she's gonna be a good friend though.

[FailedFirstLove]

Oh wells it doesn't matter now who the one is. It only matters you have gained quiet a lot on this trip. coping mechanic ism--- keen to share ?

A friend that can relate to you! And a fresh start! The best thing you can do now is to keep away from cause of the pain. Contact will make you worse again

Especially when you know your more vulnerable to pain. I think I'm diagnosing myself with seperation anxiety. Everytime I get close to someone and they leave I cry and cry and can't cope like others. Ridiculous

[Balzac]

Its not that anyone else is less or more...ot that the love you feel is any less "real". I meant no insult.

 

People like me have on average 10-15x the number of neurons devoted to emotions and the processing of them...so while we arent capable of having love that is "better" or "more real", we FEEL it more intensely...if that makes sense.

 

Sorta like how eating a peppermint makes drinking cool water feel colder in your mouth.

 

No understand your intent, that no pejorative was written. I understand the brain chemistry and in that I guess I was feebly saying~your description of your brain, your experience, your feelings was articulate. Your clarifying statements are equally so. Thanks.

[MyAngel]

Hey crash! I've been thinking of you. Glad to see you back. I hope the stabilisers work well and you start the climb upwards to feeling okay. Your new friend sounds awesome and eventually it could work out well you know? Don't rush in to anything, not when you're like this though.

 

Eat something! You need to eat or you will feel worse. Honestly.

 

Also, you said you won't contact her for 3-4 months. Why this? Why put that timeline in your head? If you think about that, that still gives you a future to think of with her. Don't contact her after any amount of time, I think.

[crashvector]

No understand your intent, that no pejorative was written. I understand the brain chemistry and in that I guess I was feebly saying~your description of your brain, your experience, your feelings was articulate. Your clarifying statements are equally so. Thanks.

 

 

sorry for the misunderstanding. That's the problem with being on such a high dose of mood stabilizers...it removes some of the things I normally rely upon to grasp things like context lol

 

Glad you found my statements informative

[crashvector]

Also, you said you won't contact her for 3-4 months. Why this? Why put that timeline in your head? If you think about that, that still gives you a future to think of with her. Don't contact her after any amount of time, I think.

 

 

Because that's what she asked for, and she was very emotive in telling me that she desperately hopes we can salvage our friendship after all the dust settles, and I agree with her.

 

I can lose her as my love...but she was ALSO my best friend...THE best friend I've EVER had....and I don't want to lose THAT as well.

 

I will spend the time trying to recover from the loss and see if I can make this into something where I can salvage our friendship from.

 

She and I had been through hell and back together....literal life-and-death stuff....its a connection that I dont know if I can break...at least as friends, we'll have that.

[MyAngel]

Okay, that makes sense. As long as it's not giving you false hope. Like, you're not thinking "after we've been friends for a while she might want to try again". You know you can only be friends with her if your feelings have faded or it will be too painful.

[crashvector]

Okay, that makes sense. As long as it's not giving you false hope. Like, you're not thinking "after we've been friends for a while she might want to try again". You know you can only be friends with her if your feelings have faded or it will be too painful.

 

I'm aware...that's why I said I would TRY to be friends.

 

If I cant separate my feelings for her, then obviously, I'll then have to turn to also mourning the loss of the best friend I ever had.

 

that woman saved my life...and I saved hers. I hope we dont have to lose each other's friendship completely...but I will do what I have to do in order to protect myself...I HAVE to.

[FailedFirstLove]

I'm aware...that's why I said I would TRY to be friends.

 

If I cant separate my feelings for her, then obviously, I'll then have to turn to also mourning the loss of the best friend I ever had.

 

that woman saved my life...and I saved hers. I hope we dont have to lose each other's friendship completely...but I will do what I have to do in order to protect myself...I HAVE to.

 

How are you going to be friends and stay incontact when she is moving to another state? i guess it would be easier since it will be just phone calls mostly? so you wont have to see her. i hope to reach for friendship as well, i dont want him completely out of my life. but that wont be for at least 6 months.

[dreamingoftigers]

Oh CV. I can feel your pain so vividly reflected through my own memory.

 

I was diagnosed with BPD in my early twenties and no, no one without mood dysregulation can understand the deep endless sea of love and admiration and taking in each and every tiny detail of your love just how one can when they are at their peak.

 

Or the beyond-the-pale of life abyss at their absence. The blackness where the scariest things in movies look like it would be no big thing to deal with in comparison to the crushing waves that take over. How your life gets so blown apart by the grief you have to not only debate yourself to get up but often your mind is to exhausted and frozen to even try to think about debating living even a week away. Eating is a chore left for the mentally healthy. Weeks on and off of eating. Not even feeling the courage to finish oneself off because it takes too damn much energy and the floor needs to be lain on, after all

 

I had EMDR therapy years later when my husband betrayed me and I just wanted death to eat me. Part of my truth is that despite the trauma therapy, despite the coping skills and the dedication behind my healing etc. I fell in love with my husband headfirst and heartfirst years before I had therapy. Those memories are so crisp and clear they come back as clear as childhood games or punishments in the corner.

 

After the therapy the blunted the edges of the emotions, I could get up and DO things without the terror that comes from worrying about the highs and lows. I will never fall back into the abyss. I can't, my brain physically can't anymore and I have two more years of the harshest, craziest, meanest stimulus to prove it. The EMDR doesn't let my brain go wonky the way it used to. I can function, even under high stress. My limbic system won't cloud my judgement as much. I have no urges. Zip. Zilch. Nada to harm myself at all or to be dead to the world.

 

BUT part of my truth is that I do not leave my husband because those crisper memories still bring out the love highs, you cannot forget that when it is imprinted do deeply. All of his stories, who we has been through the years to me. Those early years in my memory are like a tribute album to him and later to the first year of my daughter. My brain doesn't work the same way anymore so there just can't be a replacement.

 

I still feel warmth and sweetness. In fact I feel better overall than I ever did. But there is no being scorched by the Sun or frozen out in the longer nights.

 

I can still feel that empty feeling after coming home from the psych ward. That hopeful, mild optimism but followed with a "what now?" revive a little dead hope? Nah. Run to the mall and buy 10000 flowers, not today. Everything is calm today. So what now?

 

I don't want to say "I'm so sorry" to you because that is almost condescending in a fashion. I'm glad you are hopeful today.

 

CV, have you looked at Amen Clinics at all? I am saving up to go myself to see what is left kicking around upstairs that might still be disorganized.

 

Bipolar is such a pain to regulate with "guess and check."

 

I also know that bipolar is not BPD, but I'm willing to bet some EMDR might help if there's any past trauma adding to the dysregulation.

 

Best of luck. Very best of luck. I wish that there was a magic switch for all of us.

 

CV this is a super-memorable thread for me.

[dreamingoftigers]

Oh wells it doesn't matter now who the one is. It only matters you have gained quiet a lot on this trip. coping mechanic ism--- keen to share ?

A friend that can relate to you! And a fresh start! The best thing you can do now is to keep away from cause of the pain. Contact will make you worse again

Especially when you know your more vulnerable to pain. I think I'm diagnosing myself with seperation anxiety. Everytime I get close to someone and they leave I cry and cry and can't cope like others. Ridiculous

 

How to Break Your Addiction to a Person.

 

Worth the read.

[Allumere]

Glad you were able to get some "tweaks" and hopefully they wil help soften some of these sharp turns you are encountering in your life. And very glad you are taking care of yourself. As I have said my ex was bi-polar but un-managed and very much the stereo-type "bad" manic!!! You are right, it does get overly diagnosed but there are so so many variations...have several friends that fall somewhere under the spectrum and each has different mood spectrums. Fortunately they are all very aware and really open about it...they know sometimes they can get off track and aren't immediately aware so feedback is a good thing!! And I agree, that the feelings can definitely be "x 100" and therefore can be harder to work through! Keep doing what you are doing and lean on your friend...I'd say giving everything, your Birthday was a day to celebrate. You are here, you are getting thru, taking care of yourself, making a friend, have a great career a head...you are doing OK!!!

[crashvector]

Oh CV. I can feel your pain so vividly reflected through my own memory.

 

I was diagnosed with BPD in my early twenties and no, no one without mood dysregulation can understand the deep endless sea of love and admiration and taking in each and every tiny detail of your love just how one can when they are at their peak.

 

Or the beyond-the-pale of life abyss at their absence. The blackness where the scariest things in movies look like it would be no big thing to deal with in comparison to the crushing waves that take over. How your life gets so blown apart by the grief you have to not only debate yourself to get up but often your mind is to exhausted and frozen to even try to think about debating living even a week away. Eating is a chore left for the mentally healthy. Weeks on and off of eating. Not even feeling the courage to finish oneself off because it takes too damn much energy and the floor needs to be lain on, after all

 

I had EMDR therapy years later when my husband betrayed me and I just wanted death to eat me. Part of my truth is that despite the trauma therapy, despite the coping skills and the dedication behind my healing etc. I fell in love with my husband headfirst and heartfirst years before I had therapy. Those memories are so crisp and clear they come back as clear as childhood games or punishments in the corner.

 

After the therapy the blunted the edges of the emotions, I could get up and DO things without the terror that comes from worrying about the highs and lows. I will never fall back into the abyss. I can't, my brain physically can't anymore and I have two more years of the harshest, craziest, meanest stimulus to prove it. The EMDR doesn't let my brain go wonky the way it used to. I can function, even under high stress. My limbic system won't cloud my judgement as much. I have no urges. Zip. Zilch. Nada to harm myself at all or to be dead to the world.

 

BUT part of my truth is that I do not leave my husband because those crisper memories still bring out the love highs, you cannot forget that when it is imprinted do deeply. All of his stories, who we has been through the years to me. Those early years in my memory are like a tribute album to him and later to the first year of my daughter. My brain doesn't work the same way anymore so there just can't be a replacement.

 

I still feel warmth and sweetness. In fact I feel better overall than I ever did. But there is no being scorched by the Sun or frozen out in the longer nights.

 

I can still feel that empty feeling after coming home from the psych ward. That hopeful, mild optimism but followed with a "what now?" revive a little dead hope? Nah. Run to the mall and buy 10000 flowers, not today. Everything is calm today. So what now?

 

I don't want to say "I'm so sorry" to you because that is almost condescending in a fashion. I'm glad you are hopeful today.

 

CV, have you looked at Amen Clinics at all? I am saving up to go myself to see what is left kicking around upstairs that might still be disorganized.

 

Bipolar is such a pain to regulate with "guess and check."

 

I also know that bipolar is not BPD, but I'm willing to bet some EMDR might help if there's any past trauma adding to the dysregulation.

 

Best of luck. Very best of luck. I wish that there was a magic switch for all of us.

 

CV this is a super-memorable thread for me.

 

 

Yes, there is a lot of overlap between BPD and bipolar disorder.

 

And yes, you have described how it feels very well. I, too wish there was some way to "fix" those of us that are haunted by these kinds of disorders, because only WE know what it feels like to spend your entire life trying to run from the pain of every failure, every heartbreak, and ever injustice we have been served.

 

No one else can understand how the feelings we associate with our memories can feel like reliving hell every moment...how the memories that others see as "sweet nothings" can condemn us to a living nightmare for days, where as you said, the blackest of evil things dwell.

[crashvector]

Glad you were able to get some "tweaks" and hopefully they wil help soften some of these sharp turns you are encountering in your life. And very glad you are taking care of yourself. As I have said my ex was bi-polar but un-managed and very much the stereo-type "bad" manic!!! You are right, it does get overly diagnosed but there are so so many variations...have several friends that fall somewhere under the spectrum and each has different mood spectrums. Fortunately they are all very aware and really open about it...they know sometimes they can get off track and aren't immediately aware so feedback is a good thing!! And I agree, that the feelings can definitely be "x 100" and therefore can be harder to work through! Keep doing what you are doing and lean on your friend...I'd say giving everything, your Birthday was a day to celebrate. You are here, you are getting thru, taking care of yourself, making a friend, have a great career a head...you are doing OK!!!

 

 

I WAS well-regulated, without any major "incidents" in more than 7 years. My life seemed to be going very well, and I was exhibiting absolutely ZERO symptoms of my disorder for at least the last 5 years. Things were looking up.

 

Then, this happened, and I am set back by almost a decade, purely by effect of the crushing pain it caused.

 

Those like me are SO susceptible to emotional pain that it actually changes our brain chemistry.

 

With a triple dose of my mood stabilizers, I am hoping to return to a "normal" state soon.

[crashvector]

That's the other thing about this that gets me, the sense of shame.

 

I'm ashamed that I've been set back, that my pain is so great that to some people I look pathetic, like I am wallowing in it.

 

It makes me look weak, desperate, and less of man. Despite the fact that I am one of only 42 people in the entire metro area with my qualifications and level of expertise, I can be reduced to a barely functional state by the sheer power of my emotions.

 

for all of my knowledge and experience, I can be rendered useless.

 

I guess to some, it looks like I am unwilling to move on, when in fact, I desperately want to return to a "normal" life. It's not fun nor do I wish to be some martyr for pain's sake. I'd give anything to get rid of this cross I bear.

 

The meds I am having to take slow down my reaction times, they blunt my ability to think quickly, and remove a lot of the things I normally rely upon to figure out context and meaning.

 

My curse IS my blessing. I am so good at what I do in part because of what also holds me back.

 

My ability to think SO fast and accurately, my ability to recall facts and data with lightning speed, my fast reaction times, my unusual ability to "read" other people all help with what I do.

 

However, having to be on these meds to restore my stability effectively renders me unable to do any of those things...things which I have relied upon my entire life in order to make me seem "normal" to other people...I now do not have them at my disposal.

 

I am tired, sleepy, and slow. My mental acuity and "processing ability" has been reduced down to what other people consider "normal", but for ME, it is working at approximately half speed, and being as I have never had to work at such a slowed-down pace, it makes me unable to perform at my normal level.

 

Yeah, I admit it...I sometimes use my unusually fast thinking to "awe" other people with how fast I can recall things under pressure....it feels GOOD to be "the man" when it comes to questions about certain things in my profession. Everyone knows..need to know what that does or how that med works or what the SOP if for a certain issue, ask HIM..he knows.

 

I don't like being "normal"...it keeps me from being exceptional at what I do...and what I do is often all I have...and in this case, really IS all I've got left that makes me special, and THAT makes me feel ashamed, too.

[dreamingoftigers]

That's the other thing about this that gets me, the sense of shame.

 

I'm ashamed that I've been set back, that my pain is so great that to some people I look pathetic, like I am wallowing in it.

 

It makes me look weak, desperate, and less of man. Despite the fact that I am one of only 42 people in the entire metro area with my qualifications and level of expertise, I can be reduced to a barely functional state by the sheer power of my emotions.

 

for all of my knowledge and experience, I can be rendered useless.

 

I guess to some, it looks like I am unwilling to move on, when in fact, I desperately want to return to a "normal" life. It's not fun nor do I wish to be some martyr for pain's sake. I'd give anything to get rid of this cross I bear.

 

The meds I am having to take slow down my reaction times, they blunt my ability to think quickly, and remove a lot of the things I normally rely upon to figure out context and meaning.

 

My curse IS my blessing. I am so good at what I do in part because of what also holds me back.

 

My ability to think SO fast and accurately, my ability to recall facts and data with lightning speed, my fast reaction times, my unusual ability to "read" other people all help with what I do.

 

However, having to be on these meds to restore my stability effectively renders me unable to do any of those things...things which I have relied upon my entire life in order to make me seem "normal" to other people...I now do not have them at my disposal.

 

I am tired, sleepy, and slow. My mental acuity and "processing ability" has been reduced down to what other people consider "normal", but for ME, it is working at approximately half speed, and being as I have never had to work at such a slowed-down pace, it makes me unable to perform at my normal level.

 

Yeah, I admit it...I sometimes use my unusually fast thinking to "awe" other people with how fast I can recall things under pressure....it feels GOOD to be "the man" when it comes to questions about certain things in my profession. Everyone knows..need to know what that does or how that med works or what the SOP if for a certain issue, ask HIM..he knows.

 

I don't like being "normal"...it keeps me from being exceptional at what I do...and what I do is often all I have...and in this case, really IS all I've got left that makes me special, and THAT makes me feel ashamed, too.

 

I completely relate. I really do. Especially when my "processor" slows down. I read so much, it must be akin to an addiction/compulsion. I can't get enough. My grades are very high. I am pretty good at reading people, but no good at shutting up

 

One thing that helps me with the shame is to realize that most people hit the wall for far less and having far less of a disposition to need a break.

 

(I hear you, and it is so frustrating to feel after a fall: "well, crap, all roads lead back here anyway!")

 

Sometimes running with a faster processor leads to it burning out more often than the usual person. Blessing/curse agreed.

 

My problem lately hasn't been the emotional flooding, it is getting the thoughts in my head to calm down enough to let me sleep. Arg! So frustrating!

 

I hope you balance off soon!

 

Best of luck!

[Sunshine87]

Welcome back So glad to hear about your update. I'm half asleep now so can't read through all the posts but look forward to reading them in the morning.

 

It's the beginning of a journey. Be courageous and take it one step at a time.

[crashvector]

I completely relate. I really do. Especially when my "processor" slows down. I read so much, it must be akin to an addiction/compulsion. I can't get enough. My grades are very high. I am pretty good at reading people, but no good at shutting up

 

One thing that helps me with the shame is to realize that most people hit the wall for far less and having far less of a disposition to need a break.

 

(I hear you, and it is so frustrating to feel after a fall: "well, crap, all roads lead back here anyway!")

 

Sometimes running with a faster processor leads to it burning out more often than the usual person. Blessing/curse agreed.

 

My problem lately hasn't been the emotional flooding, it is getting the thoughts in my head to calm down enough to let me sleep. Arg! So frustrating!

 

I hope you balance off soon!

 

Best of luck!

 

 

Yeah, I realize we are actually more resilient than most considering that we are ALWAYS walking around with so much...

 

I know it's gonna be a few more days before I level out, but I'm really looking forward to this being over.

[FailedFirstLove]

How are you feeling now? I can see improvements! Your fixing it at the core I stead of the problem with her. Are you dealing with acceptance much easier now that you understand yourself?