LostGirl11 Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 I woke up today and felt the distance between us, I could actually feel him forgetting about me, I could feel that we aren't going to see eachother ever again. I could actually FEEL it!! It scared the crap out of me. This obviously upset me so I just let myself cry, I was shaking all over and couldn't breath, I started choking! Then out of nowhere I thought 'I'm undesirable, that's why he doesn't want me, that's why I've been forgotten and that's why he won't come back' I have no idea where all those feelings came from. It was like I could feel what he was feeling, which was nothing. Crazy I know. Scary doesn't even cover it. I'm undesirable. That's all I've been thinking all day.
geegirl Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 It's normal to feel that way. When someone does not want to be with you anymore, you feel rejected. In turn, you begin to devalue yourself because there must have been much lacking in you for him not to want you. It happens to everyone suffering a break-up. The feeling of not seeing them or ever hearing from them is very overwhelming. The finality is difficult to accept. Unimaginable. But it won't alwasy be this way. When you heal and you find your feelings of indifference, while you may occasionally remember them, it won't be a feeling of loss but just a fleeting thought.
Author LostGirl11 Posted January 14, 2013 Author Posted January 14, 2013 It's normal to feel that way. When someone does not want to be with you anymore, you feel rejected. In turn, you begin to devalue yourself because there must have been much lacking in you for him not to want you. It happens to everyone suffering a break-up. The feeling of not seeing them or ever hearing from them is very overwhelming. The finality is difficult to accept. Unimaginable. But it won't alwasy be this way. When you heal and you find your feelings of indifference, while you may occasionally remember them, it won't be a feeling of loss but just a fleeting thought. It scares me. I hate this. I'm only on day 3 of NC and already feel like I'm going to give into the urge. I'm fed up of dreaming about him every night! He once told me that I'm one of those people that you never forget. But that's exactly what he has done. I can't even remember the bad times, the times he treated me like crap.
geegirl Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 It scares me. I hate this. I'm only on day 3 of NC and already feel like I'm going to give into the urge. I'm fed up of dreaming about him every night! He once told me that I'm one of those people that you never forget. But that's exactly what he has done. I can't even remember the bad times, the times he treated me like crap. Lost, 3 days NC is nothing. I was months into NC and still had urges and felt like utter crap some days. If you can't remember the times he treated you badly, write them down. When you start fantasizing, pull that list out.
Author LostGirl11 Posted January 14, 2013 Author Posted January 14, 2013 Lost, 3 days NC is nothing. I was months into NC and still had urges and felt like utter crap some days. If you can't remember the times he treated you badly, write them down. When you start fantasizing, pull that list out. When I was with him I knew he was far from the perfect boyfriend, but now that we're not together I keep thinking that he was perfect, That he didn't do a thing wrong and the relationship ended because of me and my constant moodyness. I was horrible to him geegirl, I won't even forgive myself, may sound dramatic, but I won't.
juve11 Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 hi lost Your journey to recovery has just started , there are people who feel what you are feeling even 6 months down the line so please dont be so hard on yourself.3 days is nothing there will be a lot of ups and downs be strong. Dont try and look for answers or analyse anything , it wont help as it wil only be one sided .Just try and keep your mind off him , i know its difficult but you have to tame your mind otherwise it will be an endless loop from which you will not be able to get out of.
geegirl Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 When I was with him I knew he was far from the perfect boyfriend, but now that we're not together I keep thinking that he was perfect, That he didn't do a thing wrong and the relationship ended because of me and my constant moodyness. I was horrible to him geegirl, I won't even forgive myself, may sound dramatic, but I won't. I bet even if you were the "perfect" gf, you'd still be laying blame on yourself. It's normal to take on responsibility, and especially when your ending transpired from your comment about having an open relationship. It's even worse when you have zero ability to rectify it. All you keep doing now is focusing on your shortcomings and the whys. You identify that he was far from perfect so whenever you start beating yourself up, try to shift focus. It takes effort to frame your thoughts. You know you have a tendency to react. You have to work on your shortcomings. It is all you can do at this point. In time you will accept it for what it is and you'll embrace your need to move on. In time you'll realize this wasn't the right relationship for you, perfect or not.
stevie_23 Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 I felt that too when my ex first left me. On top of the fact he broke up with me, he didn’t even TELL me. He just cut the contact and tried to move on without even letting me know he was doing it. Such respect for me, right? Yeah. I felt SO horrible. Like I was worthless to him. Like I didn’t even exist. All these silly irrational thoughts ran through my head, like he couldn’t ever have loved me if he could do this to me now, how he must’ve thought I was so ugly and undesirable, so unappealing in terms of personality. But no. I now see it’s mostly about him. Not me. You are not changed because of this breakup, in terms of who you are as a person – a worthwhile, desirable and loveable person. It’ll take time for you to feel this and believe it again. (and you can’t feel what he’s feeling, by the way. It’s not possible. You were just feeling what YOU were feeling about the situation and projecting it onto him as a way of trying to explain how this has happened and is still happening)
XKatieX Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 (edited) When I was with him I knew he was far from the perfect boyfriend, but now that we're not together I keep thinking that he was perfect, That he didn't do a thing wrong and the relationship ended because of me and my constant moodyness. I was horrible to him geegirl, I won't even forgive myself, may sound dramatic, but I won't. Lost, I was in the same place as you for weeks. I would not stop mentally beating myself up. I kept blaming myself for everything, thinking I treated him horribly, and I couldn't think of very many things he did wrong. But in truth, HE made us upset. Yes we said something we shouldn't have said, but it was with reason. He upset you probably more than once, am I right? That is a flaw of his. It's been 4 weeks and while I still am upset, I am not constantly blaming myself for everything. I DO still blame myself everyday, but it isn't as often. Eventually those thoughts of guilt will be faded, and your head will clear. Right now it's still fresh in your mind. I thought I would never stop feeling bad about myself. Then I started thinking-if they once wanted to be with us before, there must have been many desirable things about us right? Edited January 15, 2013 by XKatieX
stevie_23 Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 I never blamed myself for my breakup. I knew it wasn’t me. No relationship ends because of just one person or one thing they’ve done. And if it does, then it means it wasn’t that strong to begin with. People try desperately in times of distress to explain and understand and blame or assign responsibility to why the bad thing has happened. And if you can’t talk to your ex, then all you have is your own constant thoughts that can get a bit out of control. And because all you know is your own thoughts, you can be prone to blaming / assigning responsibility to yourself.
XKatieX Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 I never blamed myself for my breakup. I knew it wasn’t me. No relationship ends because of just one person or one thing they’ve done. And if it does, then it means it wasn’t that strong to begin with. People try desperately in times of distress to explain and understand and blame or assign responsibility to why the bad thing has happened. And if you can’t talk to your ex, then all you have is your own constant thoughts that can get a bit out of control. And because all you know is your own thoughts, you can be prone to blaming / assigning responsibility to yourself. I know my thoughts got EXTREMELY out of control. I kept thinking of reasons why I acted the way I did, and then I would message these things to my ex or email them. He probably thought I was insane. He once said to me the night of the break up when I blew up his phone with messages: "I think there is something wrong with you." Looking back, I think I did potray myself as a crazy person. Sigh. Oh well, what can you do? Lol.
stevie_23 Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 My post wasn’t intended to imply that I have always had a “level head” about my breakup. My ex and I were together, deeply in love, for almost 2 years. He then abruptly left, after a brief fight we had online (we were online-only / text / long distance and each other’s “other woman / other man”). At first I thought when he’d gone silent he was just mad at me. Of course I blamed myself at that point because I didn’t know anything different. I assumed he’d come back in a few days. But when he didn’t, I began feeling that I was NOT responsible for HIS extreme reaction. And I was shocked that he’d just cut off all contact like that. After 8 days he wrote a song I heard, basically ending the relationship. During this time, I was NOT in control at all. I couldn’t eat, would cry all the time, and just lie around all depressed and so tense. Chest pains, stomach churning, etc. When I still thought he was mad at me, I emailed him twice a day, pleading and begging (although I planned, when he did come back to me, to let him know I did not think his reaction was justified), I sent him 2-4 texts a day, and then after about day 5, I even contacted a friend of his on an online forum to get him to contact my ex to see what was going on. I was worried that he wasn’t ok. I just couldn’t believe he could do this to me and thought something must have gone wrong in his life that had caused his actions, besides me. After I heard his song, which began with the words “it’s done”, I sent him a billion messages on the online songwriting forum he goes on, asking WHAT was going ON. He didn’t reply for 2-3 days and then FINALLY he did, explaining his wife had found out about us, etc, etc. So anyway…I kept sending messages to him for about 5 days following. He just wasn’t interested. It was too hard. So I stopped. Haven’t contacted him since December 21 and I don’t intend to. So yeah. I am ok NOW. But I was NOT always so calm and clear headed.
na49 Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 I've been NC for a little over 2 months and I know exactly how you're feeling. I feel like she's forgetting about me. I feel like she is really over me completely. I feel like she believes she's better off without me. I feel like she wants nothing to do with me and will turn me into just a thought and feel indifference instead of any feelings of love. It hurts so bad... I feel like crying. Bleh
stevie_23 Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 I know those feelings all too well. It’s been 6 weeks almost since my ex left me. He wanted to move on…try to live without me, although he said it would be so difficult. He obviously believes he’ll be happier and better off without me. That’s always going to hurt.
Author LostGirl11 Posted January 16, 2013 Author Posted January 16, 2013 I bet even if you were the "perfect" gf, you'd still be laying blame on yourself. It's normal to take on responsibility, and especially when your ending transpired from your comment about having an open relationship. It's even worse when you have zero ability to rectify it. All you keep doing now is focusing on your shortcomings and the whys. You identify that he was far from perfect so whenever you start beating yourself up, try to shift focus. It takes effort to frame your thoughts. You know you have a tendency to react. You have to work on your shortcomings. It is all you can do at this point. In time you will accept it for what it is and you'll embrace your need to move on. In time you'll realize this wasn't the right relationship for you, perfect or not. I didn't want an open relationship, it was said out of frustration. I can't stress that enough. He knows full well that it wasn't a suggestion or even a thought. I had been acting crazy for weeks because off the pill! One of the side effects is mood swings. He knew this too! I said sorry, I explained and I didn't once try to shift the blame, but he just dismissed everything I said, again! To be honest, I don't think he remembered the comment I made because he didn't bring it up and he wanted to keep me as a friend on facebook. If he were really hurt by my comment he'd want nothing to do with me. Whenever I start beating myself up I try to remember something horrible he done to me. It's ****ing draining! Really hard, but I'm learning.
geegirl Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 I didn't want an open relationship, it was said out of frustration. I can't stress that enough. He knows full well that it wasn't a suggestion or even a thought. I had been acting crazy for weeks because off the pill! One of the side effects is mood swings. He knew this too! I said sorry, I explained and I didn't once try to shift the blame, but he just dismissed everything I said, again! To be honest, I don't think he remembered the comment I made because he didn't bring it up and he wanted to keep me as a friend on facebook. If he were really hurt by my comment he'd want nothing to do with me. Whenever I start beating myself up I try to remember something horrible he done to me. It's ****ing draining! Really hard, but I'm learning. I think you misread my post. I know you said it out of frustration but that comment has only heightened your feelings of guilt and fault. That is why you keep blaming and beating yourself up so much. Lost, from your posts, you tend to make snap comments and that is something you have to work on. Knowing that this is something that has been a negative in your relationship with this guy, it's something to focus on and I understand being on the pill but it's more so a communication issue that needs developing. He used the comment as an out because if he was truly hurt, he wouldn't be so casual about asking you to be friends on FB.
Author LostGirl11 Posted January 16, 2013 Author Posted January 16, 2013 I think you misread my post. I know you said it out of frustration but that comment has only heightened your feelings of guilt and fault. That is why you keep blaming and beating yourself up so much. Lost, from your posts, you tend to make snap comments and that is something you have to work on. Knowing that this is something that has been a negative in your relationship with this guy, it's something to focus on and I understand being on the pill but it's more so a communication issue that needs developing. He used the comment as an out because if he was truly hurt, he wouldn't be so casual about asking you to be friends on FB. Yes I did, but only when he dismissed me or the problems we were having, He would keep on until I snapped, then he'd play the victim, he knew what he was doing.
geegirl Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 Yes I did, but only when he dismissed me or the problems we were having, He would keep on until I snapped, then he'd play the victim, he knew what he was doing. Even more reason that you keep moving on. A relationship shouldn't have to be this much of a mind f***.
Author LostGirl11 Posted January 16, 2013 Author Posted January 16, 2013 Yes the last snap comment I made was way over the line! No excuse. Everyone keeps telling me that I'm only human and we all say things out of anger, I will never forgive myself though, even if it didn't truly hurt him I'm still ashamed
geegirl Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 Yes the last snap comment I made was way over the line! No excuse. Everyone keeps telling me that I'm only human and we all say things out of anger, I will never forgive myself though, even if it didn't truly hurt him I'm still ashamed It will pass. You feel this way now because you're suffering the break-up, blaming yourself and wishing you could turn back the clock. In time you'll see how manipulative this R was and what you believe at the time was a mistake on your part, you'll soon realize it was for the best.
Maybe1 Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 It's completely normal to feel this way...I've been doing NC for 5 weeks now and most days I've felt like this.
Author LostGirl11 Posted January 16, 2013 Author Posted January 16, 2013 I went out last night, kind of forced myself, I can't remember getting ready or getting to the bar. I think I was running on autopilot. Then I started drinking, a lot! I can't remember much but I remember crying like a nut job and men trying to flirt, I hated it, I even felt guilty for that! I'm not sure what I done but I woke up with a stinking cold, stomach pains and red wine stained lips! I must have been in a mess but I didn't contact him! Kind of proud of myself. But not proud of the drunken mess part.
geegirl Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 I went out last night, kind of forced myself, I can't remember getting ready or getting to the bar. I think I was running on autopilot. Then I started drinking, a lot! I can't remember much but I remember crying like a nut job and men trying to flirt, I hated it, I even felt guilty for that! I'm not sure what I done but I woke up with a stinking cold, stomach pains and red wine stained lips! I must have been in a mess but I didn't contact him! Kind of proud of myself. But not proud of the drunken mess part. Alcohol is a depressant. Plus, it's a bad time to get drunk when you are emotional. Gives way to creating more issues and drama for yourself. All in all, you end up feeling worse. Best to pamper yourself. Eat healthy. Get a massage. Get sleep. Read books. Exercise. The bars can wait for a bit.
Author LostGirl11 Posted January 17, 2013 Author Posted January 17, 2013 Alcohol is a depressant. Plus, it's a bad time to get drunk when you are emotional. Gives way to creating more issues and drama for yourself. All in all, you end up feeling worse. Best to pamper yourself. Eat healthy. Get a massage. Get sleep. Read books. Exercise. The bars can wait for a bit. I won't be getting drunk any time soon. I'm in pain Since I drank that wine I've been in agony with my stomach.
Recommended Posts