Rewriting history......

[freestyle]

Well I thought my H was getting better at understanding my need to know everything and not the trickle truth he has been giving me. Just the other day he told me he was there for me but then when I ask him some questions about his EA and other things I get the response that he's not going to keep going over this. He's done with it and I should be to. Like I should just be okay with not knowing everything, not getting my questions answered. Really? WTH! Why can't he realize that I need to talk about what happened, why it happened, why he came back, what we need to do so it doesn't happen again??

 

 

You need to take your power back.

 

First & foremost---

 

Your are giving your WH a HUGE gift by giving him a second chance, a chance to rebuild trust that HE destroyed.

 

He's still got his head firmly jammed up his own azz, obviously--

 

Instead of showing true concern & remorse for the damage he's done to your capacity for trust---he's complaining about being inconvenienced by your emotions.

 

He doesn't get to call the shots, & decide when YOU have to stop talking about it, YOU do. This is about repairing trust, it doesn't happen overnight, and it absolutely doesn't happen if he does ANY type of stonewalling behavior, whatsoever.

 

Are you familiar with the 180?

[woogy]

Put your foot down. draw your line in the sand.

 

Do you have her name and contact info?

 

Yes I have her contact info. When I found out I contacted her and since he lied to her about being separated, she dumped him and told me everything I asked. Unfortunately she got back together with him a week later. After a few months of my H and I talking, I thought he decided to come back for us. I later found out he lied to me when he said he dumped her, it was the other way around as she sent me the text messages after I emailed her to tell her not to contact him again as we are back together.

did you contact her or expose him and their emails to anyone?

 

Exactly, woog....what sort of consequences did he have at DDay?

 

I guess looking back, he really didn't have any consequences besided being away from our children.

 

After DDay, I did everything I should not have, keeping in contact, asking him to give our marriage another chance, etc.

[woogy]

You need to take your power back.

 

First & foremost---

 

Your are giving your WH a HUGE gift by giving him a second chance, a chance to rebuild trust that HE destroyed.

 

He's still got his head firmly jammed up his own azz, obviously--

 

Instead of showing true concern & remorse for the damage he's done to your capacity for trust---he's complaining about being inconvenienced by your emotions.

 

He doesn't get to call the shots, & decide when YOU have to stop talking about it, YOU do. This is about repairing trust, it doesn't happen overnight, and it absolutely doesn't happen if he does ANY type of stonewalling behavior, whatsoever.

 

Are you familiar with the 180?

 

I've read a little about the 180 but not really familiar with it.

[Spark1111]

I've read a little about the 180 but not really familiar with it.

 

Ok, first, when was dday, and I am unclear. Did he move out to be with her for a while? And when did he come back into the home?

 

How long are you married? How old are your children?

 

And what sort of terrible things did he say about you?

[Ninja'sHusband]

For the 180, I'd just read the source, the book "Divorce Remedy". The author simply meant do the opposite of whatever you were doing, that wasn't working. People on the web have taken pretty much everything she advises in the entire book and applied it to the term "180". Good stuff, but yeah just read the book if you want the real scoop.

 

I did a lot of research on midlife crises at one point and the "second adolescence" was definitely a characterization. Also it's really hard to be your spouse's parent if they have turned into a deceptive cheater, it's not something that can last too long if they don't grow back up.

 

and [delete] man I get carried away sometimes when going over examples from my own relationship/history! ..blah blah blah blah..

[woogy]

Ok, first, when was dday, and I am unclear. Did he move out to be with her for a while? And when did he come back into the home?

1st DDay was in July 2012. He moved out when I found out about the affair and continued his long distance relationship with her. He was trying to get her to move here to be with him during this time. He never saw her or met her in person, this was all done over the internet, text, and skype. He came back in September.

 

How long are you married? How old are your children?

We have been married 14 years. My kids are 13 and 11.

 

And what sort of terrible things did he say about you?

Where to start? The ones that stand out are that I'm a terrible mother. That the kids don't want to be around me because all I do is yell or nag them. He raised the kids, that I didn't have any influence in what great kids they are today. That I'm a slob who never does anything, if it wasn't for him, we would stare and live in filth. That I trapped him into a marriage he never wanted and he only stayed because he didn't want another man raising his kids so he wasted 14 years of his life with me. To bad I will never be half the woman she is.

 

There's more, these are the ones that stand out and hurt the most. And after he came back, we talked a little about his EA, though he didn't want to. He denied a lot of stuff and never gave me access to his computer, email, phone, etc. It wasn't until I hacked his email and game account that I found he was in another internet relationship with a woman before this one and he never deleted the OW email addressed like he told me he did. And of course the OW told me about the previous relationship in which he denied but I found the proof through the game he met her on. This was just before Christmas. I was doing better until all this came on. Now it's like I'm back to square one.

[seren]

I remember having a conversation with the OW after D Day, she said that H had said he was coming home to ready meals after being at work all day, she said she always had a meal on the table for her H. My reality was that I worked 12 hour days in a new, high profile career so we could reitre early, H could leave the military and we could follow our dreams. When I tackled H about this, he said that he wasn't complaining and that it had been taken out of context. OW worked part time, had a H who was at home a lot and did most of the chores - it all depended on who was doing the telling, how it was heard and then reality.

 

H said we hadn't had sex for a while and that I was sick a lot, which prevented us doing things, not just sexually, we had always done. What was omitted was that I had been having chemo and that I was just about holding my job together - OW heard that I was denying H sex and that I was not interested, my reality was that we were still hugging, snogging and being intimate.

 

I clearly remember H coming home one day (I later twigged he had just seen OW) and coming into the house with his first words being, When I leave the military I am going to use my pension and buy a boat. My reaction, OK, but we need to talk about it and figure out how to pay your gambling debts first, but afterwards, if any left, for sure go buy a boat. OW said I was stopping him doing what he wanted, I said I never stopped H doing anything, no one could and she would know that, if she knew him

 

I think that when we (general) need to justify something we know is wrong we rewrite it, I often look back and ask myself, is that how it was? did I imagine all those years of love, lust and like? I have said to H, but during the A you said, X,Y,Z and gaslighting had me believe you - he says, I know, I am sorry, I was an a*** and it was crap, all of it and some things said weren't meant the way they were taken. It doesn't take away that they were said and a part of me can understand the OW for wanting to hear what was said the way she needed to hear them.

 

As an XBS, I often question if my understanding of the A is right, despite hearing from both H and the OW and from seeing how H has changed and we are now. It still has me asking, was it really like that, were we really that good and then that bad? Thing is I can probably never, ever know. I don't know if H was rewriting history, but he sure seemed to be living in a different planet from my experience of our history. I reckon I was living in OZ in technicolour, thinking he was too, but in reality he was in the black and white bit, or at least felt that way. Same film, same characters, same dammed story, just one seen differently, for a while at least.

 

Great analogies DOT, made me laugh lots the past few days.

[Spark1111]

There's more, these are the ones that stand out and hurt the most. And after he came back, we talked a little about his EA, though he didn't want to. He denied a lot of stuff and never gave me access to his computer, email, phone, etc. It wasn't until I hacked his email and game account that I found he was in another internet relationship with a woman before this one and he never deleted the OW email addressed like he told me he did. And of course the OW told me about the previous relationship in which he denied but I found the proof through the game he met her on. This was just before Christmas. I was doing better until all this came on. Now it's like I'm back to square one.

 

As you should be. Completely normal. And he HAS TO, to the best of his ability, try to explain it to you in a way that you understand.

 

It is important that you explain to him, very clearly, that you need a, b, and c, to EVEN consider staying with him. Get you in order. Be calm and confident.

 

see an attorney and find out what your rights are in your state; what you can expect financially if you decide to proceed with a divorce. do you work? Are you in a no fault state?

 

Start focusing on you and making a plan for the future, either with or without him. Make yourself the best, strongest person you can be.

 

Pack his bags, change the locks, refuse to discuss the relationship until he can tell you why he hated you so much to have not one, but two OW he so disrespected you to.

 

Be almost kind. tell him you would never force him to stay in a relationship he so hated. e can see the kids whenever he wants, but you deserve a life with someone who adores you and if not him, so,eone elseu will be fine alone and on your own.

 

Then ACT it. get going on you! Do not cry. Plea, or beg. Do not demand anything or get crazy about the affair around him. Wish him well in his quest for happiness, in fact, support him.

 

But do NOT change your boundaries or move your line in the sand. Believe and act as if you deserve better, because you do!

 

The 180 is keep you from going crazy from the affair crazies. It is a distancing that is mentally healthy and allows you to focus solely on you, your life, your goals.....whether with him or without him.

[2sure]

While my exH was cheating on me and gaslighting me anytime my gut told me to be suspicious...

 

He would start complaining that I was spending too much money. That I was not pulling my weight financially. Mind you, we owned a home, an apartment in NYC and vacation property at the time. And I worked on my own but more specifically FOR him. So,I started working more and spending less because I like to contribute. The more he cheated, the more suspicious I became, the more he thought I wasn't earning enough, the more I worked....until I looked at the books and realized we were in excellent shape.

 

It wasn't guilt. It was justification for his sense of entitlement. The last year we were married I earned more than he did. But it took 2 lawyers to prove it to him.

[woogy]

As you should be. Completely normal. And he HAS TO, to the best of his ability, try to explain it to you in a way that you understand.

 

It is important that you explain to him, very clearly, that you need a, b, and c, to EVEN consider staying with him. Get you in order. Be calm and confident.

 

see an attorney and find out what your rights are in your state; what you can expect financially if you decide to proceed with a divorce. do you work? Are you in a no fault state?

 

Start focusing on you and making a plan for the future, either with or without him. Make yourself the best, strongest person you can be.

 

Pack his bags, change the locks, refuse to discuss the relationship until he can tell you why he hated you so much to have not one, but two OW he so disrespected you to.

 

Be almost kind. tell him you would never force him to stay in a relationship he so hated. e can see the kids whenever he wants, but you deserve a life with someone who adores you and if not him, so,eone elseu will be fine alone and on your own.

 

Then ACT it. get going on you! Do not cry. Plea, or beg. Do not demand anything or get crazy about the affair around him. Wish him well in his quest for happiness, in fact, support him.

 

But do NOT change your boundaries or move your line in the sand. Believe and act as if you deserve better, because you do!

 

The 180 is keep you from going crazy from the affair crazies. It is a distancing that is mentally healthy and allows you to focus solely on you, your life, your goals.....whether with him or without him.

 

Thanks. I spoke to an attorney two days after he left me, so I know how much child support I would receive and what I need to do. We are in a no fault state too. I do work and I already know I can support myself and my kids even if I didn't have child support. From 2009 to August of last year, my H was out of work. He worked temporary seasonal for a company in 2011 but that was it. So yes during this time, I didn't help out as much around the house with the cooking and cleaning since he was home by himself during the day while the kids were at school. Between my commute and work, I'm gone 11 hrs. I did help on the weekends, doing the grocery shopping, laundry, yardwork, and cooked though. Maybe that is where he's getting, we would live in filth and starve if it wasn't for him!! Of course he failed to tell her that he didn't have a job and had been home for 3 yrs either!! Anyway, I'm going to write my H a letter telling him what I need from him and if he can't give that to me, I can't live like this anymore. It's just to hard and stressful. Thanks everyone for your advice, I really appreciate it.