berry1515 Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 My bf and I have been dating for 6 months. We tend to have a good relationship but we do butt heads often as we are both with strong character and both of us always wants to be right - this leads to disagreement and argument. Lately, I've found that when we have an argument he tends to correspond with another woman via text/phone. I have only read 1 conversation between them which took place 4 months ago - she asked him how is your girlfriend and he said good, thanks for asking. I do not know what their relationship is - friendly or more because he has never told me about this woman and when I confronted him he completely lied and said he does not know who she is. I know they speak via text message often and I'm not really sure what my move here is. I love him and cannot imagine spending my life without him - also, I should mention that I do still speak to my ex on a friendly basis and my boyfriend does not know about it. That makes me feel sort of guilty although our conversations are purely about work and life - nothing intimate - although some may perceive it as emotional cheating. My bf spends all of his time with me so I know he is not taking this woman out on dates or anything of that sort but they do speak and it's bothering me. Confronting him has not brought me any relief - only more aggravation because he denies it and lies to my face. He has asked me to not be confrontational with him and sometimes remain quite instead of disagreeing with him, he is an alpha male so he wants to have more weight in the relationship. Maybe if I do what he is asking of me he wouldn't call this other woman - but I'm not sure if the blame is on me or him. He shouldn't be calling another woman to begin with no matter what occurs between him & I - on the other hand I shouldn't be speaking to my ex either. Really not sure how to handle this situation, it's on my mind and really is hurting me.
serial muse Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 (edited) My bf and I have been dating for 6 months. We tend to have a good relationship but we do butt heads often as we are both with strong character and both of us always wants to be right - this leads to disagreement and argument. Lately, I've found that when we have an argument he tends to correspond with another woman via text/phone. I have only read 1 conversation between them which took place 4 months ago - she asked him how is your girlfriend and he said good, thanks for asking. I do not know what their relationship is - friendly or more because he has never told me about this woman and when I confronted him he completely lied and said he does not know who she is. I know they speak via text message often and I'm not really sure what my move here is. I love him and cannot imagine spending my life without him - also, I should mention that I do still speak to my ex on a friendly basis and my boyfriend does not know about it. That makes me feel sort of guilty although our conversations are purely about work and life - nothing intimate - although some may perceive it as emotional cheating. My bf spends all of his time with me so I know he is not taking this woman out on dates or anything of that sort but they do speak and it's bothering me. Confronting him has not brought me any relief - only more aggravation because he denies it and lies to my face. He has asked me to not be confrontational with him and sometimes remain quite instead of disagreeing with him, he is an alpha male so he wants to have more weight in the relationship. Maybe if I do what he is asking of me he wouldn't call this other woman - but I'm not sure if the blame is on me or him. He shouldn't be calling another woman to begin with no matter what occurs between him & I - on the other hand I shouldn't be speaking to my ex either. Really not sure how to handle this situation, it's on my mind and really is hurting me. Why haven't you told your BF that you talk to your ex, exactly? Do you think you're cheating? Is this a power play on your part (keeping this secret from him)? It sure doesn't bode well for the future of your relationship... Yes, obviously, you shouldn't be a hypocrite about this. It's not clear from your post if he only calls her when something's wrong or if they talk more often than that - in other words, if they're friends. So I can't tell how innocent that is, either. I take it you haven't met this woman? However. When you think about it, he's been more honest with you than you have with him; at least you know about this person! I don't think either of you is going about this the right way, but it's absolutely true that you don't have the high moral ground here. You say you can't imagine a future without this man, but it's awfully hard to see the good here. Him calling someone else when you fight = game-playing; you holding your ex in reserve as a secret weapon = game-playing. Not good. So. What exactly do you want to happen now? Do you want him to tell you he won't speak to her ever again, and in return you'll relinquish your ex? Or do you not plan to tell him about the ex at all? If not, will you continue talking to him? To figure out your "move," it helps to know your end goal. I can't encourage you to continue lying to your BF, because that really sucks, frankly. I can understand your anxiety about this other woman, but if it's a longstanding friendship, that can be tricky, and I'm not clear on where that stands from just the one post. Regardless, to improve the situation you'd both need to make changes here, and somebody's going to have to trust somebody, and compromises will have to happen, and it's not clear that that's likely. Edited January 14, 2013 by serial muse
Author berry1515 Posted January 14, 2013 Author Posted January 14, 2013 (edited) He's never admitted even knowing who this woman is that he speaks to. I know he speaks to her because I've seen his phone bill. I also saw a text from her and he said he has no idea who that is texting him. I think in the back of my mind I keep speaking to my ex because I fear my current relationship not working out and I want someone to have to run to just in case it does not work out - I know how awful and immature that sounds but it's the truth. My bf only calls/texts this woman when him and I get into an argument. She is not a friend of his and he has never told me about her. Actually, he says he doesn't believe it's healthy to have friends of the opposite sex because he believes that leads to jealousy and insecurity. He will never tell me he will stop speaking to this woman because he has never admitted to speaking to her in the first place! It's like she is his secret go to person when things go sour with us. I guess my ex serves the same purpose for me. Not a good situation, I really do not like this dishonesty. I could easily stop speaking to my ex but knowing my bf is speaking to another woman will probably cause me to have a great amount of pent up resentment. Edited January 14, 2013 by berry1515
Author berry1515 Posted January 15, 2013 Author Posted January 15, 2013 Also, if he ever saw my ex text me or ask me if I speak to my ex I would not lie to him. I just haven't felt the need to put it out there that I still speak to him. What bothers me is that I KNOW he is doing this and when I ask him he completely denies it and lies to me. Why do men do this, I just can't understand. A good friend told me I should ignore it - that I am his girlfriend and he spends all his time with me so I should just ignore the fact that he is speaking to another woman and let it pass. It's driving me crazy!
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