whichwayisup Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 It's the mm bw, who may be in utter denial. Just for the record he will never ever hate me. It is very possible he totally talked his way out of the first d-day. So your reasons in wanting to tell her is so she will kick him out? Divorce him and then he'll be all yours? Or are you looking to totally end things, get out of the A and this is your way of making sure his wife is more involved? Never say never. Many OW on here have claimed their MM's wouldn't turn on them...It happens.
whichwayisup Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 Dday was brought on by mm, I've tried to step aside many many times but I get suckd back in, within hours. It's hard when you love someone it's even harder when you love more then one. How long was your A before he confessed to his wife? One thing just to think about..Some BS's allow a bit of grace time (knowing NC will be broken and WS wavering back and forth) but they will only put up with it for so long before they're done. OWL's situation is example, his wife slipped a few times and he allowed her that grace period. Why? Because he loves his wife and felt she was worth fighting for. Your MM's wife could be one with a big heart and will allow him that grace period.. You say you keep getting sucked back in..but if they are trying to fix their marriage and he's back and forth - Why not try your best to walk away? Especially if he created the d-day so his wife would forgive him and give him another chance. As hard as it is for you to walk away, why should she give in and walk away? She invested years into him and their life together. 1
stevie_23 Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 So you had access to friends who did not give their consent to friend you? That would include the children right? Yeah I thought you meant that you were their friend also..not that their posts were being read by someone they weren't associated with. The “children” are 22, 23 and 26 years old by the way. And yes, I had access through him as if I were a “friend” of their’s. Does that slight moral questionability shock you given he was lying to his wife for the past almost 2 years to be with me? lol
skylarblue Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 Besides the questions WWIU asked: How long ago was dday? In what ways do you find yourself being sucked back in? Is he and his W in reconcile (supposedly)? What are your feelings about her/them? What are your feelings about continuing an A that she believes has ended? Are you certain there's been dday1? Sorry, I don't remember your story (and for the bombardment of questions).
seren Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 Thanks for explaining Stevie, I am now even more confused, are you both male? only I read it as your wife and his wife finding out. Obviously you don't need to answer, just getting mixed up. Sorry for T/J. I would answer that as a BS I would have welcomed being told there was an A, either being discussed, planned or happening, being told after the fact would seem a bit like sour grapes from the AP. My H told me, there was no discovery, but OW had told him she would tell me on a number of occasions. Afterwards she and I spoke and both of us asked and answered questions we needed clearing up. I don't know of many people who would prefer to be kept in the dark, I also think the same apllies if a WS doesn't tell the AP they are married, in that way people get to make informed choices about their lives.
bentnotbroken Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 The “children” are 22, 23 and 26 years old by the way. And yes, I had access through him as if I were a “friend” of their’s. Does that slight moral questionability shock you given he was lying to his wife for the past almost 2 years to be with me? lol No your willingness to intrude into their lives is what shocked me. I am the mother of 2 children who had their lives spied on, intersected..whatever word you want to use by the OW in my situation....so yes it shocks me when that happens. :sick: And I find nothing lol about it. 2
obladi Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 Hey you liked me posts before I guess you want what I got and end up with ap. what r u waiting for? U have asked this before, stop asking just tell her like my gf told xw. Its the only way to go. I would of never been with gf now if she hadnt of told my bw.You gotta do it like that your mm never will I woulndt of. Send her email with proof and go for it.She will thank you for it later my xw is glad gf did it. Just do it!
Got it Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 Hey you liked me posts before I guess you want what I got and end up with ap. what r u waiting for? U have asked this before, stop asking just tell her like my gf told xw. Its the only way to go. I would of never been with gf now if she hadnt of told my bw.You gotta do it like that your mm never will I woulndt of. Send her email with proof and go for it.She will thank you for it later my xw is glad gf did it. Just do it! Really? Why? Why did two women have to dictate the direction of your life and you just a passenger in it? And why would I be thankful for a man that I have orchestra his life instead of him taking control and handling things himself? Why do you think you are such a prize?
stevie_23 Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 Thanks for explaining Stevie, I am now even more confused, are you both male? only I read it as your wife and his wife finding out. Obviously you don't need to answer, just getting mixed up. Sorry for T/J. lol. Sorry for the confusion. No, I am a woman and he is a man. My real life long term partner is a woman (I thought I was gay until falling for my MM) and his wife is a woman. Also, just to further clear up the thing about him giving me access to view his wife and her kids' FB pages - the kids didn't have any privacy thing turned on anyway, so if I'd typed in their names and location and I'd have been able to view them anyway. And as I said before, they're not minors. And BentNotBroken, I'm sorry you feel that way. I don't feel I intruded into their lives. My MM always told me about what was going on in their lives anyway, so I already knew. Who had what boyfriend (in terms of the kids), etc. There was nothing there to see of any importance. Seeing as he considered it ok, I did too, and again, I never went into his account when he wasn't there chatting with me online. I didn't consider it a problem.
bentnotbroken Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 lol. Sorry for the confusion. No, I am a woman and he is a man. My real life long term partner is a woman (I thought I was gay until falling for my MM) and his wife is a woman. Also, just to further clear up the thing about him giving me access to view his wife and her kids' FB pages - the kids didn't have any privacy thing turned on anyway, so if I'd typed in their names and location and I'd have been able to view them anyway. And as I said before, they're not minors. And BentNotBroken, I'm sorry you feel that way. I don't feel I intruded into their lives. My MM always told me about what was going on in their lives anyway, so I already knew. Who had what boyfriend (in terms of the kids), etc. There was nothing there to see of any importance. Seeing as he considered it ok, I did too, and again, I never went into his account when he wasn't there chatting with me online. I didn't consider it a problem. Sadly, I know this is true. Whether there was something there to see or not...you were not invited by them.
Author canuckprincess Posted January 16, 2013 Author Posted January 16, 2013 Hey you liked me posts before I guess you want what I got and end up with ap. what r u waiting for? U have asked this before, stop asking just tell her like my gf told xw. Its the only way to go. I would of never been with gf now if she hadnt of told my bw.You gotta do it like that your mm never will I woulndt of. Send her email with proof and go for it.She will thank you for it later my xw is glad gf did it. Just do it! Well I'm sorry you weren't man enough, as for my mm that is up to him. May I ask how your wife took it when she got the info? When your gf sent the info did your bs already know you were cheating on her? Were you and your exw able to be friends after the inital shock wore off? You said in a previous message that your exw was happier once the marraige ended.
stevie_23 Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 Sadly, I know this is true. Whether there was something there to see or not...you were not invited by them. I know. But I wasn't invited to have intimate online relations with her husband and the kids' mother's husband, was I?
bentnotbroken Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 I know. But I wasn't invited to have intimate online relations with her husband and the kids' mother's husband, was I? You equate intruding on their lives without them knowing with being in the life of someone who knows you are there? Talk about scary. 2
stevie_23 Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 Well no, not really, but I just think the FB stuff isn’t a big problem, honestly. I consider having an affair much worse than having a look at some pictures on FB of people my ex knew and knows through his account when he gave me access to it.
seren Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 Again, thanks for answering Stevie, I really do think honesty is always the best policy, if only for everyone to be given freedom of choice to decide if they want to continue with a relationship where there is an other. I have never quite been able to get my head around relationships when there has been no day to day contact and wonder if it might have been different if there was. TBH I would have been royally peed off had the OW access around my FB page and feel invaded to know that my H had made videos etc in our home, even though there was no physical presence in my home, it would still feel invaded. To further T/J, I can imagine it must be a difficult time for you Stevie if you have always considered yourself gay and now find yourself attracted to a male, I hope you find peace with that and not in a snarky way at all.
stevie_23 Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 (edited) I think my ex felt as if he and I were together and often almost “against” his wife and her kids. He disliked living there and planned to leave for quite some time before deciding he had to commit and settle down and just live more out of obligation than enjoyment, freedom and…probably fantasy as well (though he never actually said that), and he has had frequent run-ins with the oldest son about how lazy he is (the son, I mean) and how he eats them out of house and home and lies on the couch covered in a blanket all day everyday, doesn’t work, doesn’t contribute and all that, and my ex basically has hated living there for quite some time. He would tell me amusing or annoying stories about what the kids had done. He never said much about his wife unless there was something to say (like if they’d had a deeper discussion than usual). Anyway, so because of this attitude of “us against them”, he probably had lost touch with the fact that to let me into his own FB so I could see these people’s FBs was a bit of a violation of their privacy. But as I say again, the only person who DID have a security privacy setting actually switched ON was his wife. The kids didn’t so I could’ve seen their FBs anyway. His ex wives were the same. His family members who he wanted me to see pictures of, also no privacy settings. The only thing I looked at on his wife’s page was photos of him and her together. In terms of the videos he made for me, well, it was his home too. He only ever did them when he was at home alone, or if the kids were home he’d stay in his studio. I only saw his bedroom once. The majority of videos were in his studio (which nobody else ever spends time in, it’s his only room in the house), the bathroom or when he went out in his truck or when he went for walks in the woods. But yeah, I do see your point. Edited January 17, 2013 by stevie_23
2sure Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 It's something we hear of all the time and an assumption I have made about others myself. She doesn't want to know, she knows but chooses not to, etc. Thing is...ive never seen a BS here, under the circumstances you described, say they didn't want to know. It's always either WS or OW saying BS must not want to know. 4
stevie_23 Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 I just realised something else too regarding the FB thing. His wife has always been an online “stalker”. She hacks into all her kids’ FB accounts and also his FB account, as well as trying to get into his email accounts and their’s also (even before she had any reason to be paranoid, which of course now she does, unfortunately), so although this doesn’t mean he had any right to let ME into her FB page or anyone else’s, maybe because he lives with her and that sort of “accepted” online stalking and violations of privacy, he didn’t view it as a problem. Just another thought.
bentnotbroken Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 I just realised something else too regarding the FB thing. His wife has always been an online “stalker”. She hacks into all her kids’ FB accounts and also his FB account, as well as trying to get into his email accounts and their’s also (even before she had any reason to be paranoid, which of course now she does, unfortunately), so although this doesn’t mean he had any right to let ME into her FB page or anyone else’s, maybe because he lives with her and that sort of “accepted” online stalking and violations of privacy, he didn’t view it as a problem. Just another thought. What does his actions have to do with yours?
stevie_23 Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 What does his actions have to do with yours? He is the one who should be responsible for respecting HIS people. His wife, her kids. If he didn't think it was a problem to have me look at pictures of him and his wife in her FB page and to see her kids' pages EASIER (as I said before, they were not set to private so I could've seen them anyway), then I didn't have a problem either. And LadyGrey, that thought had crossed my mind, that he might have cheated before with this same wife. I know he's cheated before in previous relationships. He's told me his relationship history that goes way back to his very early 20s. 1
bentnotbroken Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 He is the one who should be responsible for respecting HIS people. His wife, her kids. If he didn't think it was a problem to have me look at pictures of him and his wife in her FB page and to see her kids' pages EASIER (as I said before, they were not set to private so I could've seen them anyway), then I didn't have a problem either. And LadyGrey, that thought had crossed my mind, that he might have cheated before with this same wife. I know he's cheated before in previous relationships. He's told me his relationship history that goes way back to his very early 20s. My question remains...what does his actions have to do with yours? It is almost like a child saying he told me to do it so I did it. Why would you want to spy on them? What is wrong with saying..."I won't do that?" 1
obladi Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 Really? Why? Why did two women have to dictate the direction of your life and you just a passenger in it? And why would I be thankful for a man that I have orchestra his life instead of him taking control and handling things himself? Why do you think you are such a prize? Im no prize lol but shes not perfect ether and were good for each other.i know i should of told w myself but its hard i did kinda want them both till gf stoped me. To thread op, yea xw knew Id had A but thought Id stopped by then till she seen what gf sent. I guess were not firends but we get along ok now it was couple years ago.
stevie_23 Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 My question remains...what does his actions have to do with yours? It is almost like a child saying he told me to do it so I did it. Why would you want to spy on them? What is wrong with saying..."I won't do that?" I wasn't spying on them. We were discussing one time in a chat his ex-wives and his kids, and he doesn't have any photos of anyone and wanted me to see them. So this was the way to do it, since I could never find anyone when I tried to search for them. There was no spying involved, and I didn't feel the need to say "I won't do that." LadyGrey, yes indeed. He cheated on his 2nd wife with the woman who ended up being his 3rd wife. He cheated on his 4th wife with the woman who is now his current wife, and as far as I know, he has been cheating on his current wife with me for over half the total length of their relationship. So. Yes indeed. I think of him as more of a serial monogamist (sorry for incorrect spelling) with a lack of moral compass in terms of cheating and lying. He was happy with his 1st wife but they were too young (20 years old) so they split. No infidelity there. His 2nd wife he was happy with for several years but she wanted kids and he didn't and so she had them and he was unhappy. Cheated. Married his affair (3rd wife) and was happy for many years, had 2 more kids, she wanted to move states, he didn't but he went with her, she changed, he was unhappy but didn't cheat. She did. Left him for her affair (who she married and is still with now). He was alone for a while, then succumbed to his eventual 4th wife's advances which had been going on for years. She was rich. He had no money now after his 3rd marriage was over. He thought it'd be an easy life. Didn't have to work but he did anyway. He was never in love with her. Started cheating fairly early on, with his now current wife. Eventually left his 4th wife for his current wife. Then 2 years into that relationship I came along. Patterns, patterns. I wonder who will be next.
stevie_23 Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 You know...I'm STILL stuck with my feelings for him. I still love him and think I always will. I have always been able to see both sides of situations and behaviours, and although I DO see that his behavioural patterns in the past have been destructive, deceptive and selfish, I still...I don't know. I read somewhere on LS that serial monogamists are really good in the early stages of relationships, for the first few years. And this has been true for him too. When he's happy and in love, that's all he can see. He gets lost in it and he is an AMAZING partner. He told me that we would NEVER fall out of love if we were together in person. Like over the years, etc, as most couples do eventually leave that totally "in love" phase. He said it'd never happen for us. We were different. I didn't really argue, but knew realistically this was highly unlikely. So yeah, he gets caught up in it. Then when he DOES notice his feelings changing, he stays put because it's easier but then he's so unhappy, and so if and when he happens to develop feelings for someone else, he comes "alive" again and is so happy and feels like THIS is his right path now, and the previous relationship was "never" real or as true as the new one. Blah, blah, blah. I don't honestly feel he's done anything ever to maliciously hurt anyone. But...yeah. It is an obvious pattern, and eventually (and I knew this already deep down), if we HAD gotten together in real life, he would've done the same thing to me. I actually said to him once, if and when your feelings fade from how they are now, will you shut me out like you have everyone else, and will you find someone else to love and then keep it from me before leaving me too? He said no way. But of course, once the situation would change years down the track, I think it would definitely happen. And he would be able to justify his actions too. He can always justify according to the situation and almost "forget" how he used to feel and what he said in response to those feelings. So yeah. I DO still love him and always will. He was wonderful to me during our time. But...the last of my rose coloured glasses have fallen away now.
stevie_23 Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 Yeah, maybe I am... He once said to me, ages ago, that he felt a lot of relationships ended and started with other people and weren't "neat" or with gaps between the 2 relationships. You know? He said it wasn't totally unique or terrible for someone to realise based on the catalyst of new feelings for a new person that their feelings for their existing person have changed...
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