Decorative Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 As a BS, this actually is my biggest hurdle. If there was nothing I could do better, longer, faster, with more salt, twenty minutes earlier....something... Then my fear is there is nothing that can be done to prevent it happening in the future. This is really the most difficult aspect for me. The "why" That needs to be the reality. And I promise- you'll reach a point, in recovery, where you realize it's not possible to make someone else do something. That you may be awesome in every way, but you are not powerful enough to control another person. And when you get to that point? When that turn happens? Even though it sounds scary? It's better. I promise. 3
dreamingoftigers Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 Do any "embittered" folk want yo help me on my thread?
Journee Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 Decorative and thomasb. Thank you for your replies. Rationally I know that I cannot be responsible for any of his actions. My heart ,however, fears* I contributed to my own pain. I look forward to coming out of the other side of this in one piece. 1
Act Two Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 So, A2, how do we as BS on LS talk to you about your affair? (in general, not yor particular affair on your thread etc?) No, my M did not work out. I think there is great advice here- I still think a WS coming here for help needs a wake-up call to the pain he/she is causing or has caused. At the same time, a poster finding an opportunity to punish that poster for the pain caused by their own WS isn't productive, and we all know that happens sometimes. Pointing a WS wanting help in recovery or even on the fence to SI is helpful. I think ending an affair can be like dealing with an addiction. There are really, really helpful resources on SI that helped me see how to "get clean" and deal with my own issues rather than just self-flagellate and tell myself what a POS I was/am.
thomasb Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 Rare. I can't remember being attacked by a BS. Usually by OP. I'd have to look back in my posts to ensure it though. 1
Act Two Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 So, out of curiosity, if it is rare for a WS to be attacked on this forum, why do you think that it is rare for a WS to stick around even when seeking help? Why do so few WS post here?
dreamingoftigers Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 So, out of curiosity, if it is rare for a WS to be attacked on this forum, why do you think that it is rare for a WS to stick around even when seeking help? Why do so few WS post here? My best guess: a lot of Waywards aren't all that introspective; if they were, far fewer would be in affairs. 5
Act Two Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 I think those types of generalizations are well, unhelpful. I am extremely introspective, actually an incompatibility between me and my STBEX (who is not at all), pointed out to me in counseling.
dreamingoftigers Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 I think those types of generalizations are well, unhelpful. I am extremely introspective, actually an incompatibility between me and my STBEX (who is not at all), pointed out to me in counseling. And you came here and posted, and now you are posting here to help us understand....
Act Two Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 All I am suggesting is that sometimes people come here in a weak place, looking for help. I have read (and others have echoed this) posts that demonstrate venom towards the poster that appears to be displaced. If that is going to be denied, fine. I can understand why someone still doing something that has caused a forum member immense pain in their life would be extremely turned off by OP, but then I would say don't try to help if the intent is not to help the person but to vent pain. I have SO much respect for people really hurt by a WS and still are extremely helpful for a WS or OW/OW here. I don't think thomasb is a very good example because if I am right, and I just looked back, he came here 12 years after his affair. That's an entirely different place then someone in the thick of it, just starting reconciliation, or trying to end an affair like I was. Not that his advice isn't super valuable but he wasn't on shaky ground. Anyway, all that is to say I'm not in a place to be easily run off anymore, and I'm a little obsessed with the cost of infidelity. I hope I can be helpful to others especially anyone contemplating an affair. 1
Spark1111 Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 So, out of curiosity, if it is rare for a WS to be attacked on this forum, why do you think that it is rare for a WS to stick around even when seeking help? Why do so few WS post here? No offense, but I don't think people are READY to hear advice or support which will run the spectrum from kind to harsh if they are newly out of an affair. even as a devastated spouse I was not ready to receive all the 2 by 4 s I heard when I first posted at LS, and their were plenty, believe me. In a triangle, there will always be two sides opposed to one and it matters little which of the three positions one represents. After reading here for 5 years, I disagree that WSs take most of the heat. I believe husbands wishing to reconcile with a cheating wife take most of the harshest abuse. 6
dreamingoftigers Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 No offense, but I don't think people are READY to hear advice or support which will run the spectrum from kind to harsh if they are newly out of an affair. even as a devastated spouse I was not ready to receive all the 2 by 4 s I heard when I first posted at LS, and their were plenty, believe me. In a triangle, there will always be two sides opposed to one and it matters little which of the three positions one represents. After reading here for 5 years, I disagree that WSs take most of the heat. I believe husbands wishing to reconcile with a cheating wife take most of the harshest abuse. Ooh, ooh ..... Fat wives of porn addicts! Especially Mormon ones! 1
bentnotbroken Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 Ooh, ooh ..... Fat wives of porn addicts! Especially Mormon ones! DOT..clean out your pm's *wagging my finger*
Spark1111 Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 PS: There was a WS who ended the affair but was still deeply in love with his AP. BS were angry with him, but the OW thought he was the best thing since sliced bread. everyone posts from their own perspective and projects that here. Then there was a WS who dumped his OW and recommitted passionately to his wife. BSs were very supportive of him but OW were outraged that he could feel nothing for his fOW. see what I mean? 5
Woggle Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 Nobody is more bitter than cheaters who feel their spouse has somehow kept them from whatever they feel they are entitled to. 9
Act Two Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 Ok, then, it never happens. I've said my piece. I'm not sure why anyone here has to get "abused" in the help process, but to each their own.
dreamingoftigers Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 DOT..clean out your pm's *wagging my finger* I did I did! 1
dreamingoftigers Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 Ok, then, it never happens. I've said my piece. I'm not sure why anyone here has to get "abused" in the help process, but to each their own. I'm sure IT DOES happen. It did happen in your thread. However the main person wasn't even BS LOL. There are at least two other posters I find radically unfit to give "support." 2
Bittersweetie Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 No offense, but I don't think people are READY to hear advice or support which will run the spectrum from kind to harsh if they are newly out of an affair. I completely agree with this. I know at one point I was in a place where my mom tried to talk to me and to be honest I have no idea what she said to me...because I was not ready to hear it. I know I have posted in WS threads over the past couple of years with advice as someone who's been there and it seems my advice was dismissed...because the person was not ready to hear it. And that's fine...hopefully someday they will be ready and reread. Also it seems the antagonism sometimes comes from OPs who are not ready to hear the advice they are being given, and thus either dismiss it or ignore it or lash out at the poster. That seems more like human nature than a BS/WS trait. 6
seren Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 I already said my piece about how I never meant the term to be offensive. Legitimate question to throw out here. I asked once and no one answered. When I am trying to convey that some people feel residual and lasting angry, long term, is there a word you'd prefer I use? And not with the intention to imply that there is anything wrong with feeling that way. Maybe the word hurt would be appropriate. People do and say all sorts of things when they have been hurt and are trying to get their heads around it. I don't think you post maliciously LHF, maybe someone can come up with a word less insulting than bitter. 3
whichwayisup Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 So, out of curiosity, if it is rare for a WS to be attacked on this forum, why do you think that it is rare for a WS to stick around even when seeking help? Why do so few WS post here? Very few stick around. Thomasb is one, can't remember usernames at the moment, but there are a few others who left (MM) because they got called out way too much by AP's. It's ironic, what upsets OW/OM is how some BS's can go at them, some AP's did the exact same thing to the few MM who did stay and post. Even now there are some and they are getting their feet stomped on quite harshly too. 2
SidLyon Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 (edited) .... I asked once and no one answered. . This is probably a t/j. In the last week or so LFH I answered 2 questions that you asked and I don't believe you responded to either. One was specifically directed at me and the other more general. Why bother to ask questions, see fit to "complain" if nobody answers, but at the same time not bother to even acknowledge when somebody does go to the trouble of answering? Edited to add: Probably not a thread jack after all as you actually asked a question on this thread, so I guess you missed my answer. Edited January 21, 2013 by SidLyon 1
bentnotbroken Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 Maybe the word hurt would be appropriate. People do and say all sorts of things when they have been hurt and are trying to get their heads around it. I agree. Hurt can mimic a wide range of emotions from anger(bitterness) to apathy(the appearance of not caring at all/doing nothing/carrying on with life without confrontation). 2
SidLyon Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 Maybe the word hurt would be appropriate. People do and say all sorts of things when they have been hurt and are trying to get their heads around it. I don't think you post maliciously LHF, maybe someone can come up with a word less insulting than bitter. I agree. Hurt can mimic a wide range of emotions from anger(bitterness) to apathy(the appearance of not caring at all/doing nothing/carrying on with life without confrontation). The word "hurt" was what I suggested back on Post 104. 3
BetrayedH Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 I already said my piece about how I never meant the term to be offensive. Legitimate question to throw out here. I asked once and no one answered. When I am trying to convey that some people feel residual and lasting angry, long term, is there a word you'd prefer I use? And not with the intention to imply that there is anything wrong with feeling that way. Nope. I will just claim that it's really not a relevant characterization. I would hope for you to explain how that negates my opinion. If you're going to detract from the OP and focus on another poster, I would hope for you to explain why bitterness about affairs is relevant to the content of the discussion. If pressed, I can usually defend my position beyond the anecdotal. I hope for an intelllectual discussion. ETA: "you" is meant in a generalized way. Not a personal rebuttal to you, LFH. 1
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