Bitter betrayed spouses.

[Decorative]

Still harboring bitter feelings towards your chemistry teacher?? You should work on that!!

 

I should!! LOL!!

 

I guess you could say I have group therapy about him. We have a FB page dedicated to our high school and there's a whole thread on there about what a creep he is. LOL

 

*adds to the bitter list*

[seren]

Realist, you are in a forum where the majority of people posting have, are or are posting to try to understand how the person they loved with all that they have could betray them and to try to reconcile their feelings in regard to that. Coming from your world view, where you have a wife and OW who are seemingly both content or at least know about your infidelity, it is really difficult to see how your experience has informed your view and experience of being betrayed.

Before my H had an A, I helped support friends when they were reeling after a D Day, I truly thought I understood, I made all the right noises, gave support and then after a few years and the hurt was still happening, thought, isn't it time they got on with it. Then it happened to me and I realised how patronising and ill informed my thoughts had been. I really had no idea how deep, painful and hurtful an a could and did make me feel.

 

Using a word, like bitter to describe feelings that come from a place of hurt and/or pain is, IMHO, OK to do once, but when people who have been hurt come back and say that it is insulting, hurtful or not how they feel, I would hope that the caller takes note, maybe takes a step out of their world and tries to understand. Many words are used that others find derogatory or hurtful, many times the callers use the argument that they don't see why or how it should be offensive and that's fine, just as long as they keep away from using that word that the 'others' find offensive. History is littered with words used to describe people that have been found to cause offence and are not now used - this by listening to those who find it offensive.

 

Empathy is an often underused emotion or concept, but at times I feel, it could be employed better when debating with people who come from a place of being hurt. Reading about something doesn't make it so, I wouldn't wish the hurt of infidelity or betrayal of trust on anyone, no matter what side of the fence they are on, it doesn't make me bitter, it means that I have come onto a forum where people understand how that feels and expect support and advice, as that is the purpose of it. I hope you (general) never feel the need for this, none of us ever thought we would, until we did.

[Act Two]

I am a former wayward who came to LS awhile back in an extremely weak, vulnerable stage seeking advice and help. I got a little from some very nice, thoughtful posters who took the time to help me, but I got a LOT of abuse. I'm sure many might think it was deserved, but it felt a lot like people were using me as a way just to vent their pain. I really think abusing people just to vent pain should make people stop and think, and "bitter" is actually kind of a nice label for those type of people. There is a reason why there aren't many waywards on this site, which is too bad.

 

If this is a just a BS support group then call for it for what it is. If you really want to have discussions about infidelity and get a variety of perspectives, then try to put a collective stop to running waywards off, especially those who really want to change their lives.

 

I for one, am a person who wanted to take responsibility for my bad choices and needed some guidance. Sometimes that might be cold hard truth but it doesn't need to be verbal abuse about every fiber of my being.

[2sure]

I know it isn't the same for everyone, but for many OW or OM they became so at a vulnerable time in their lives. An affair ending can leave one even more so. And I think some OW that come here asking questions....even if not the important ones right away...are on the right track to trying to change something that can be complicated. A defensive position isn't the right environment for that growth to happen.

 

Anyway, the people here on both sides are at least having conversation and that's good, I guess it's the approach.

 

I'm actually quite bitter and jaded.

[Steen719]

I wish I could laugh at this. I'm still just stunned that standtall is going to come here with no connection to infidelity, stir up the hornet's nest, take off "to do something more interesting" and the wisdom left to us is "move on." Seriously? That's what he's learned in his infinite wisdom is another version of "get over it?" 20 years of my life ruined and my kids now have a broken home - just get over it or I'm bitter? Great example of compassion; that what Jesus taught you? Stick it in your ear, you self-righteous jerkwad. At this point I'll take the bitter moniker.

 

I was thinking about this thread today at work and I had not read standtall's post at that time. I paid my XBastard's health insurance for one year until he could get Medicare (you know the story-d/t transplant) and I ended up making 13 payments altogether, thinking to make sure he was covered the last month, so there was no gap. He is eligible to keep the insurance under TCC and it is an awesome deal. Anyway....he has been bugging me every few days to pay another one as he claims that it is paid in arrears. The agreement says my last payment is on 11/1/13, which I made. So, during the course of these emails, he also tells me that it is ridiculous that I am working two jobs-let my son's loans pay for his rent. He gets scholarships and loans and I help him. I have asked my son to work only during the summer and breaks because he is in Engineering and the curriculum is pretty difficult. I want him to do well and keep scholarships. I tried to explain that while I was lucky enough to be able to work 2 jobs and have 2 jobs (I mean, really, some people have none -ummm-like XH who could but doesn't want to lose SS disability), I wanted to help so that he would be starting with less loans. He got about $16,000 from property and gave my son $300 2x in one year- birthday and Christmas. He has not helped me or my son with anything and I mean, nothing. I have had cars fixed, new tires put on- oh well, the list is long because you know, life. This man, who I took care of during his illness, financially, emotionally, who cheated on me twice in our marriage is bugging me to pay a $400 insurance bill. After years and years of owning houses, I will be foreclosed on, most likely file bankrupt and am working 2 jobs. Mine and my son's lives are changed irrevocably forever. I asked myself today if I was bitter still and if course, the answer is yes, I am. I don't obsess about it like I used to, though, but that is no thanks to the bastard. It is because time has passed and I am healing. This didn't happen in a vacuum. I worked on it and while I am still much better than I was, I sometimes really grieve the loss of what I thought I had. I think the difference for me and some other posters who are so upset about this thread and the fact that some of the posters call us BSs bitter is the following:

 

• I never cared enough about the OW to make her important to me as I blamed the bastard, so I basically had one person to feel bitter towards, not 2.
  
• I am farther out of the divorce-Oct. 2011-than a lot of posters whose infidelity is fresh
  
• My true nature is really not to hold grudges and I am a pretty optimistic person
  

AND, the biggest reason

 

• Most of the posters who call us bitter mean absolutely nothing to me and I do not value their opinion. I am not going to argue with someone who is goading me or other posters with their posts. They want to get us going. I don't care if they stand on their head and whistle Dixie. They can think I am bitter, crazy, and out of touch. I don't care at all. I'm sure they don't care about my opinion either. I feel sort of sorry for some of the OW/OW and even the WS, as I think they try so hard to get everyone to think like they do while putting BSs down. Sad and what a way to live - always pumping yourself up at others' expense. There are some of those posters who I admire for their honesty and consideration. I have learned something from them, like Lady Grey and Rick Fox. I don't dislike anyone, but to spend time answering some of these other agitators is an exercise in futility. Why bother? Honestly, they are far more trouble than they are worth.
  

P.S. I know I spent time on me and I apologize for that, but I guess it was on my mind and there is so much mess on this thread, I am hoping no one cares.

[Spark1111]

That is a very good question that I am glad to answer. I troll these forums giving my 2 cents every now and then in subjects that interest me or things that I may have experience about, and in the process help someone. But, there is a self serving angle to this.

 

I read the these forums to help improve my marriage. It's a form of a self audit. I read about the cheating married woman that is emotionally abandoned by her husband to make sure that I don't neglect my marriage and get disconnected from my wife. I read about the married man screwing his coworker, and then read about the betrayed mom of 3 and the pain that she is going through to make sure that I do not become that man. I read about the young couple who got married without really knowing each other and thank God that is not me. I read about other peoples pain, train wrecks, grief..etc to help me be a better husband to my wife.

 

you have got to be kidding me???????

 

before my H's infidelity, I would have NEVER known a site like this existed.

 

I was blissfully happy in my marriage and naively unaware that I would EVER need a site like LS to heal my broken heart.

 

self-audit?

 

let me help you. On that, though I don't think I believe nor buy it, but you too should be blissfully unaware too.

 

The minutes you are spending here condescendingly tell all of us that we are the reason you use it to self-audit?

 

spend those minutes telling your spouse how special, and beautiful l and wonderful she is....

 

It is more productive than telling us how bitter we are, trust me.

 

Unless you FEEL the need to be superior to us.

 

That is a whole other pathology,my friend. need attention for being smarter?

 

tell your wife that PUHLEAZE.

[Spark1111]

I wish I could laugh at this. I'm still just stunned that standtall is going to come here with no connection to infidelity, stir up the hornet's nest, take off "to do something more interesting" and the wisdom left to us is "move on." Seriously? That's what he's learned in his infinite wisdom is another version of "get over it?" 20 years of my life ruined and my kids now have a broken home - just get over it or I'm bitter? Great example of compassion; that what Jesus taught you? Stick it in your ear, you self-righteous jerkwad. At this point I'll take the bitter moniker.

 

I think, no I KNOW that the insecure come here to try and try to impress us with their superiority, as in....Well, that would NEVER happen to me and my marriage.

 

And I have to wonder what they are so afraid of? Don't you?

 

It's very similar to after DDay when SOME friends ask was she thinner, younger, prettier, better housekeeper?

 

OR the men will ask, was he richer? Younger? More handsome? more disposable income? A better, bigger swordsman?

 

And, as you reel in pain, gather info, and can honestly answer no to most of the above, you watch their faces crumple in fear and panic.

 

They need, want to believe infidelity could never happen to them. They want, need to feel secure in the face of your pain and subtlety I ply you must have done SOMETHING to warrant it. they are looking to reassure themselves of their own safety.

 

but they are wrong. Infidelity can happen to anyone, even in the best marriages.

 

No one is immune.

 

So if calling me bitter gives you some false sense of security, so be it. It is hurtful, but I do understand the insecurity that warrants it.

 

And still, I hope they never know the pain of infidelity or ever live with the insecurity that it is OFTEN unproven table if their spouse wants to cheat on them.

[Spark1111]

You obviously did not grasp the meaning of my post.

 

Why oh why are some of the smartest people I know here unable to grasp the post of an Ow or OM when we challenge them?

jeez....it happens all the time.

 

we challenge and either we didn't grasp their meaning or it wasn't what they said, or not what they meant?

 

this is too similar to communicating to my fWS, pre-affair?

 

is it me? I DON'T thinks so. everyone else seems to understand me.

[standtall]

you have got to be kidding me???????

 

before my H's infidelity, I would have NEVER known a site like this existed.

 

I was blissfully happy in my marriage and naively unaware that I would EVER need a site like LS to heal my broken heart.

 

self-audit?

 

let me help you. On that, though I don't think I believe nor buy it, but you too should be blissfully unaware too.

 

The minutes you are spending here condescendingly tell all of us that we are the reason you use it to self-audit?

 

spend those minutes telling your spouse how special, and beautiful l and wonderful she is....

 

It is more productive than telling us how bitter we are, trust me.

 

Unless you FEEL the need to be superior to us.

 

That is a whole other pathology,my friend. need attention for being smarter?

 

tell your wife that PUHLEAZE.

 

How can you find fault with a post where I say that I am learning form the mistakes of others to try and be a better spouse? Really? Not good enough reason for you? Well too bad, it's my reason. Don't like it... tough.

Edited January 18, 2013 by standtall

[dreamingoftigers]

How can you find fault with a post where I say that I am learning form the mistakes of others to try and be a better spouse? Really? Not good enough reason for you? Well too bad, it's my reason. Don't like it... tough.

 

Again, check the delivery method of such reasoning.

 

It makes your post say something very different and sarcastic than just a simple, "I love my wife and want to learn about how to improve my marriage"

 

The above is really a conflict-escalator or shaming post. And so was the other one. It's worth mentioning again about the form of delivery because:

 

1, if you are truly here to improve your M, a delivery like that is defensive and critical, already covering 2 of the four "Gottman Horseman" of marital destruction.

 

2. I honestly think you darn well know that it's abrasive and if you are wiling to repeat it throughout posts on an Internet forum to strangers I would bet my life savings (about $3.42 and a chocolate bar wrapper I found in the couch) that you do use that same method with your wife when you get upset or feel attacked. The line "but it's TRUE" and "don't like it, get over it/tough luck/too bad etc." would serve in such a form of delivery. If you find yourself coming

out with things like that to your MP, as close as you are at the moment with her it would DEFINITELY have a net effect over time. Selecting you as a very strong potential candidate of the next train wreck.

 

3. I thought my marriage was golden right until the discovery moment. My husband had issues that he hid INCREDIBLY WELL for THREE YEARS that raised NO SUSPICION right until the day it was horrifically tripped over. I used to think "well don't people know?" or "how could they not see what a messed-up person they married?" because there wasn't anything to see from a 26 year old man that had had a fairly regular relational history and had shown himself to be a determined self-builder who appeared to have a treemendous amount of inner strength under pressure. It was a very carefully made illusion. He knew from years of dealing with people on a highly-charged emotional level how to operate. He wanted a family [insert me here] to have that stable home base and companionship than he wanted to maintain "wildness and freedom" on the side without having to be known by anyone truly. It also turned out after the fact that this was not the first relationship he has done this to. But his ex-fiancé is dead so there's no asking her if she ever knew. And everyone else that knew him above-board socially had nothing but GREAT things to say about him. There are many people that THINK they know a spouse for 20+

years and figure that their spouse would never do anything like this. My proud stance blew apart overnight almost 4 years ago and I will never forget it. I see tons of threads where anyone from regular spouse/BS/WS/OP talk about "their love" and "their connection." Their emotional connection from moment to moment can be as strong as Hell, but if you are in a relationship with someone who has an attachment issue, the sane very connection can be the anxiety-trigger that they cheat on that very connection to dull the angst. Among many other reasons etc. If having a great connection was the only way to stop cheating, my husband would have had only me until death.

[standtall]

The above is really a conflict-escalator or shaming post. And so was the other one. It's worth mentioning again about the form of delivery because:

 

 

Yea, that was the 3rd post, not the 2nd where I explained myself in the best way I could still got attacked. Now, perhaps you're used to people telling you how to speak and you actually may care, I however do not. I word things the way I word them. If we all had the same opinion and said things the same way, then this wouldn't much as an internet forum now would it?

 

As far as the Gottman's 4 horseman of marital destruction, I am familiar with them, and am very aware of them. My marriage is not subject to debate here, except that it has been fireproofed and that is all that needs to be discussed. I volunteered a little about myself because someone asked, if they believe it fine, if not, I don't care. Nice try in the analysis of myself and my marriage in your very polite personal assault. My wife does not get catty and attack like most of the posters on this thread, so there is no parallel. She is not bitter and betrayed.

 

If nobody likes that title, prove it wrong or come up with a better one.

[Realist3]

seren,

 

I agree with what you are saying, but I'm not really referring to situations like you mention. I'm talking about situations that are not directly related to the person or particular responses to other posters not directly related to their situation, i.e. taking their anger out on others.

[Realist3]

Why oh why are some of the smartest people I know here unable to grasp the post of an Ow or OM when we challenge them?

jeez....it happens all the time.

 

we challenge and either we didn't grasp their meaning or it wasn't what they said, or not what they meant?

 

this is too similar to communicating to my fWS, pre-affair?

 

is it me? I DON'T thinks so. everyone else seems to understand me.

 

Why? Because this medium is inherently flawed in relaying intent, sarcasm being one of the more difficult.

[dreamingoftigers]

It wasn't a "polite personal assault." I operate differently. Period.

 

It was a simple idea for you to consider. And one I wish I had before I was into my marriage. I offered a little of my own experience back.

 

Take it or leave it. Good luck with the M.

 

Yea, that was the 3rd post, not the 2nd where I explained myself in the best way I could still got attacked. Now, perhaps you're used to people telling you how to speak and you actually may care, I however do not. I word things the way I word them. If we all had the same opinion and said things the same way, then this wouldn't much as an internet forum now would it?

 

As far as the Gottman's 4 horseman of marital destruction, I am familiar with them, and am very aware of them. My marriage is not subject to debate here, except that it has been fireproofed and that is all that needs to be discussed. I volunteered a little about myself because someone asked, if they believe it fine, if not, I don't care. Nice try in the analysis of myself and my marriage in your very polite personal assault. My wife does not get catty and attack like most of the posters on this thread, so there is no parallel. She is not bitter and betrayed.

 

If nobody likes that title, prove it wrong or come up with a better one.

[dreamingoftigers]

I prefer "overcame betrayal."

 

If we must stick with BS there's always a twist on an old standby: "Betrayal Survivor."

 

Bitter, LOL.

 

Well this thread had educated me that some of our BSs actually are bitter or even "own" the title.

 

It's not one I prefer for myself. My life since betrayal got better when I realized I didn't have to have it overshadow my life because I wasn't at fault for it. Healthy people don't betray their spouses. Period.

[OpenBook]

As evidenced in many threads by many people, nearly everyone was absolutely dumbfounded when their partner was found in an A. VERY few, even in hindsight, could say they say indications of problems in their M.

 

Exactly. And why is that? Could it be that the blindsided BS wasn't paying attention? I've seen VERY few BS's who will even entertain that idea, much less take a closer look at the fact that it takes two to make a successful M - and just because one spouse is happy doesn't automatically guarantee that the other one is also happy. Instead, most BS's put all the onus on their CS and their weak character - like they suddenly acquired a weak character once they started cheating?? Like the BS saw nothing wrong with it before in all those years of M?? Does not compute.

 

The very first paragraphs of Steve Harley's sample Plan B letters (suggestions for BS's to write to their CS's) bear me out here:

 

"I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with AP possible. I foolishly pursued my career without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me the most, and we are now both suffering for my mistake."

 

"I would like to acknowledge and apologize for my part in the demise of our marriage. I neglected your needs, and failed to give you what you needed many times. I'

m

sure this helped create a voice in our marriage that allowed your affair to happen. I have said this before, and I want to say it again: I want to do whatever I can to put our marriage back together in a mutually satisfying way."

 

If a BS isn't willing to examine their part in conducting the M and instead remains mired in bitterness, taking it out on whoever they can, elevating themselves to be above scrutiny - and looks to the WS to do all the heavy lifting in salvaging the M - the original problems will remain... and history tends to repeat itself. I fail to understand what is the payoff for this approach?

[beenburned]

open book,

 

You are generalizing and sweeping with a broad brush!

 

I personally know of many WS's that said their marriages were happy and they loved their wives.

 

So, why did they cheat? Because something was wrong/missing inside of them that had NOTHING to do with the wife or marriage. Mainly issues left over from their FOO or addictions of some kind.

[Spark1111]

Exactly. And why is that? Could it be that the blindsided BS wasn't paying attention? I've seen VERY few BS's who will even entertain that idea, much less take a closer look at the fact that it takes two to make a successful M - and just because one spouse is happy doesn't automatically guarantee that the other one is also happy. Instead, most BS's put all the onus on their CS and their weak character - like they suddenly acquired a weak character once they started cheating?? Like the BS saw nothing wrong with it before in all those years of M?? Does not compute.

 

The very first paragraphs of Steve Harley's sample Plan B letters (suggestions for BS's to write to their CS's) bear me out here:

 

"I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with AP possible. I foolishly pursued my career without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me the most, and we are now both suffering for my mistake."

 

"I would like to acknowledge and apologize for my part in the demise of our marriage. I neglected your needs, and failed to give you what you needed many times. I'

m

sure this helped create a voice in our marriage that allowed your affair to happen. I have said this before, and I want to say it again: I want to do whatever I can to put our marriage back together in a mutually satisfying way."

 

If a BS isn't willing to examine their part in conducting the M and instead remains mired in bitterness, taking it out on whoever they can, elevating themselves to be above scrutiny - and looks to the WS to do all the heavy lifting in salvaging the M - the original problems will remain... and history tends to repeat itself. I fail to understand what is the payoff for this approach?

 

Yes, it does! And I have yet to see a BS not take ownership of problems within the marriage.

 

What I have seen on these boards and IRL, is many a cheater NOT take responsibility not only for the state of their marriage and their affair, but go on and on and on again to have more affairs and more marriages.

 

And keep justifying it as someone not meeting their needs.

 

I started a thread once enquiring how many miserable WSs begged their spouse to go to IC and MC in an effort to fix the marriage before embarking on the affair.

 

you know how many?

 

Not a single one.

[Snowflower]

I just said this morning in another thread that my H has traits that led him to be susceptible to an affair. In his case it is his excessive need for external validation and someone telling him he "is good enough."

 

Okay, I was the mean wife and found this trait in him to be annoying before his affair. I mean, I don't have that need for others to think I am great. Sure, it is nice but I don't need it all the time like he does. So, I didn't/still don't understand that need in him.

 

Since we reconciled, I try to affirm to him all the great things he has done and what a good man he is, but coming from me, a person who has been in his life for 20+ years, it falls on deaf ears for him.

 

I just never thought that trait would manifest itself in infidelity. So no, it wasn't like my poor H suddenly had this trait after he cheated. Gimme a break. It was always there! I knew it, but didn't recognize that it would be so lethal to our marriage.

 

But, of course that is my fault. :rolleyes:

[waterwoman]

If a BS isn't willing to examine their part in conducting the M and instead remains mired in bitterness, taking it out on whoever they can, elevating themselves to be above scrutiny - and looks to the WS to do all the heavy lifting in salvaging the M - the original problems will remain... and history tends to repeat itself. I fail to understand what is the payoff for this approach?

 

I have done so much heavy lifting I've put my back out. I have owned my own **** to such an extent I have run out of loo roll. I don't know what else I could do. I don't think many of here really expect their WS to do all of the heavy lifting - in so many cases it seems the WS won't or can't do any of it.

 

I know H's weakness. I have always known them - they didn't come out of nowhere, that didn't mean I thought he would cheat. I think he was as shocked as I was.

[dreamingoftigers]

Exactly. And why is that? Could it be that the blindsided BS wasn't paying attention? I've seen VERY few BS's who will even entertain that idea, much less take a closer look at the fact that it takes two to make a successful M - and just because one spouse is happy doesn't automatically guarantee that the other one is also happy. Instead, most BS's put all the onus on their CS and their weak character - like they suddenly acquired a weak character once they started cheating?? Like the BS saw nothing wrong with it before in all those years of M?? Does not compute.

 

 

I can't speak for anyone else's marriage but in mine my husband's case is pretty pathological.

 

It was a real disaster after his infidelity became apparent because I DID feel it must have been my fault. Because that was the framework I was raised under.

 

I spent YEARS trying to please him in every way possible that he requested, and he actually resented the Hell out of it. Plus, it only got worse. It got the the point where he would tell me things like it was because I didn't clean the bathroom well enough. I couldn't take it AT ALL. Then when he started drinking again and drove drunk from Red Deer to Calgary, I had enough. I started looking up things online dealing with cheating and how to fix stuff etc. We had already tried MC twice and he had lied to both MCs.

 

It was completely out of hand and totally abusive. I would break down and cry. Just cry. No screaming and yelling and flipping out. Then he would see me and freak out and tell me that I was "shaming him." then he would take off overnight, for a few days? A week? Who knew.

 

It was horrid. I'm glad I found out HE had the issue regarding a lot of this. But the problem was when I really saw it was him I got angry. But not angry enough to toss him out for a long time.

 

I did ridiculous amounts of everything for him for years and THAT was actually A BIG PART of the problem. He viewed me like a parent trying to control him by doing all of this "stuff" and being hurt by his actions. He just felt guilty and he felt really really entitled.

 

It wasn't until he got the boot that he started acting a little better. And then when he went to Domestic Violence group and starting dealing with "how to be assertive" and actually talk about WHAT WAS ACTUALLY BUGGING HIM instead of making up a bunch of crap to make himself look good, it started working better. Domestic Violence group actually got him to examine his family of origin and he figured out that *SURPRISE* I am really nothing like his mother that hey maybe I just wanted to be married to him and couldn't figure out why my best friend went so insane.

 

Me, I learned more coping mechanisms, like shutting down the attacks. If he wants to make a complaint I have an open line for him, but not if he is going to talk to me like I am garbage.

 

I also have learned IMHO that respect is more important than love to an LTR. these threads on LS are often clotted with love but very few are overflowing with respect. I should have respected myself more from the offset and figured out what _I_ needed. I have noticed more and more recently that if I ask something simple of him, he isn't proactive about it and puts in a very half-assed effort. But if he asks for something (with his brand new assertiveness) I tend to be proactive and do it etc. I don't respect that. Especially with all that I have been through.

 

I wrote him a letter detailing this and some VERY simple things I would like to see. And yes I mentioned behaviors and not "concepts."

 

One was: get an STD test so that I know you are safe. I asked for it in November. He said he'd do it. He "got the number" and still hasn't called.

 

I wrote it to him as part of the list and letter. I haven't goiter an actual response yet and it's been two days. The only other option at this point is packing up and leaving. I am planning for that because he has done no reconciliation work unless prodded. He cooks and changes over the laundry but otherwise does nothing around the house. He doesnt even put his garbage in the can. We don't own a dishwasher so I end up doing all the dishes by hand after every meal and they really stack up. He is constantly slacking off and ending up behind in school and asking for extra time to "catch up" which mucks up my school. He springs appointments that he has on me at the lady minute which is another thing I asked to change in the letter and than yesterday it turned out that he arranged dental for himself and our

Little daughter, but since his was an extraction I had to go with them to the office to attend her appointment. I had to postpone my exam for another day and missed a whole morning because of it.

 

I am very grateful that his communication has improved, but the way things are going is still really, really below par and nothing like the first three years of our marriage where he pretended like he wanted me to be ideally happy. And would make so much effort. I am not saying things need to go back to that good of a thing but he really, really didn't let me know explicitly or implicitly that he had some unmet needs.

 

It has been revealed through our counseling that he never felt like he should be able to say any needshe might've realized. He said he never would have even thought about "his needs" until I started badgering him for them after Dday one. Looking at his step father showcases why: he does EVERYTHING for a screaming crazy mother. She wants something, he gets it. She flips out in public, he says "oh she's having a bad day, hopefully she feels better later." it's been 20+ years they've been together! How many embarrassingly bad days can one person have? So my husband said pretty much I would be easier to please than his mother but anytime I was frustrated even in the slightest he would become really fearful.

 

I remember one time I had a lamb stew recipe not work. Damn beans wouldn't cook! So it pissedme off because I spent 4 hours making it and it kinda burnt. I Vented my frustration (NOT TARGETING HIM) and he had this HUGE shi®tstorm about nothing ever being good enough for me because I still get upset. WTF? I was so confused.

 

Now I know where that comes from, his mother cycles from victim to bully in 2 seconds flat. I think she has something really mentally wrong with her. And my mother modeled to me how to justify the worst behavior from a spouse. Just a total disaster.

 

I actually feel pretty bad for my husband. He will be 35 in March and he's still learning lessons that should've come in youth the hard way. Honestly, I love him but it is just taking so long for it to be workable/liveable between me and him that I feel burnt out and exhausted. I've been putting more onto him, but he just doesn't pick up the slack at all.

 

I have apologized to him for certain incidents post Dday and when we had issues pre-DDay I would sit down and work them out with him.

 

But that letter. .... Ugh.

 

I didn't "ignore" him or his needs at all. I tried like Hell from Day one as his wife to do anything I could think of that would make him happy EVERYDAY.

 

I would ask him things, check on him. If anything I gave too damn much and I am still doing so. I can't resent him for they because I know that's on me. But it wasn't for me lacking attention toward him. And he knows and acknowledges it too. He fully admits to having treated me very poorly and knows that a simple apology is not enough BUT the marriage fix is not a priority before school and episodes of Dexter or Breaking Bad.

 

My life and marriage don't fit your blame model.

 

And neither did my parents. My mother tookcare of my Dad's emotional, abusive and addicted mess for 30+ years and he spat in her face. She wasn't "neglectful of his needs." she didn't withhold sex or call him bad names or tell him that he wasn't enough. He never let her know what he wanted. He always played like she was just the greatest yet he victimized and abused the Hell out of me when he got angry. It was him I learned to keep quiet, overempathize and keep trying trying trying trying.

 

I was awarded two scholarships last semester.

In the last two semesters my grade since returning to schoolhave been the following:

 

94.8% English (department high mark record and scholarship)

95.9% Biology (2nd in the department, should've exercised my rewrite option)

93.4% Math (I also finished half of the course in 3 days)

(and I won a $1000.00 work and essay scholarship)

 

95.2% Physics (another scholarship for this semester, highest mark in the department)

98.6% Chemistry (scholarship, highest mark in the department)

97.8% Math (tied for highest mark in the department, will be splitting the scholarship)

 

I will mostly likely nominated for an "overall achievement" award for last semester.

 

There are about 200 people per subject I compete against each semester and

in 4 of six courses I have taken I have been the literal top candidate. It did wonders for my self-esteem to see the numbers coming back BUT:

 

My parents knew this and My Dad made out like it was just zero. Just not ever good enough. He mentioned how the courses can't be that challenging then. They didn't come to the awards which in a sense was fine. I had a good time with my daughter, but even then it was my awards and my husband wasn't even watching her when I had to go up because he was too busy talking to other people. So for most of it I was outside of the room watching her asking if he could ("yeah just a minute") and having to go back in and claim awards when my name was called. Just brought her with me the second time. It was cute. But really, I get that I MUST have issues attracting people that PRESENT like they couldn't care less about me. Or be truly proud for me. It is so messed up!

 

I will never write my serially cheating husband a letter about how I'm so sorry I neglected him by waiting on him hand and foot and trying to boost his self-esteem etc etc etc prior to Dday! Ever! He might have a partial case for some things after Dday but seriously, he had it pretty darn good before Dday, so much so that he "just wants it to go right back to the way it was."

[dreamingoftigers]

Foolishly pursued my career!

 

Every single time I put something together for myself workwise he hated where we were living/where he worked/the people here suck/there isn't enough opportunity here I moved AT LEAST once every six month for the first five years of our marriage. I've lived in three provinces and travelled through 36 states, all ten provinces and two territories because EVERY SINGLE ONE of his pipe dreams is a huge move. I almost ended up living in Yellowknife and freezing my a** off! We were transient for months at a time trying to find his path and have a bit of fun too!

 

When we had our daughter I was reluctant to move again. I dragged our 3 month old across the country back to Calgary to start over and post Dday who knows what number by now???? I refused to move again until we have something to actually move TO. When I booted him out last year I signed a 1.5 year lease right away and he started pressuring me to move to Grande Prairie and give up my business (which I had to eventually fold due to stress).

 

We weren't even reconciling at that point! It was just "I got this pipe dream up here cause my friend lives here and it gonna be great and I want my daughter around so uproot yourself from friends/family/job because that way I can see my kid that I just abandoned for two months whenever I want. By the way, I didn't pay you any money for daycare or child support because I just bought myself a car. Better luck next month."

 

LMAO. He was shocked, SHOCKED when I said no. He spent six months arguing with me to move," if not to Grande Prairie than where?"

 

NOWHERE! I am "foolishly pursuing my career" because I am now 29 with no skills other than navigating highways and listening to pipe dreams! I better get a career or else my career was just going to consist of 5 month jaunts of Subway and then jumping to the next town.

 

LMAO!:lmao:

 

Now he's in school with me.

[waterwoman]

Well in self-defence I have decided to own the moniker. I told H about this thread. We have agreed to adopt new lovey-dovey names for each other, He is now CB (Cheating Bastard) and I am BBS (Bitter Betrayed spouse). Now if anyone accuses me of being bitter I can say 'Yes, nice to meet you'.

[thomasb]

I get so tired of people saying that there had to have been something missing or wrong with the marriage for the cheating partner to have cheated! There was nothing wrong or missing in my marriage. There was nothing wrong or missing in my wifes treatment of me or my marriage! What was missing was within me and my boundary code. It had nada to do with my wife, my parents, my church or the damn dog next door. It was me. My choice. My decision. No one shoved me into it but myself. Pun intended.

[nofool4u]

I get so tired of people saying that there had to have been something missing or wrong with the marriage for the cheating partner to have cheated!

 

Hey, whatever makes them feel better about their choice to cheat and be fickle.