Bitter betrayed spouses.

[Spark1111]

No one here can determine if someone is "bitter" in their lives. But it sure is evident when 'bitterness' is present in responses to other posters on this board.

 

There was a BS who posted on the OM/OW board the other day saying he didn't want to post over here because of the 'angry/bitter' people over here. He wasn't imagining that. It is a fact. It is easy to see. If you are feeling bitter you have every right. Good for you. It is the projecting that bitterness on others here that I don't think has much of a place.

 

No, he never posted here. He has posted elsewhere on internet infidelity sites and has grown tired of people on OTHER sites telling him the same stuff over and over.

 

Maybe he was hoping he would be told more along the lines of what he wanted to here over there.

[Steen719]

OK...I have a question. I used to call my XH an ungrateful bastard and now I just call him the bastard. Does that mean I am less bitter than before?

[Spark1111]

OK...I have a question. I used to call my XH an ungrateful bastard and now I just call him the bastard. Does that mean I am less bitter than before?

 

That is definitely making progress and you should be proud!

 

Like Bentnotbroken once posted: No one wound up dead...and no one went to jail, so all in all, a pretty decent result. :lmao::bunny:

[BetrayedH]

OK...I have a question. I used to call my XH an ungrateful bastard and now I just call him the bastard. Does that mean I am less bitter than before?

 

Yes, it's kinda like when it goes from "wife" to "exwife." You're one degree happier.

[Spark1111]

No one here can determine if someone is "bitter" in their lives. But it sure is evident when 'bitterness' is present in responses to other posters on this board.

 

There was a BS who posted on the OM/OW board the other day saying he didn't want to post over here because of the 'angry/bitter' people over here. He wasn't imagining that. It is a fact. It is easy to see. If you are feeling bitter you have every right. Good for you. It is the projecting that bitterness on others here that I don't think has much of a place.

 

Than I cannot imagine you have ever had your heart ripped out of your chest, thrown on the floor and stomped on by betrayal.

 

I could be wrong, and I try hard not to judge, but I can't hold everyone's hand so I stopped trying.

 

If you think you hear bitterness projected on some posts over there, imagine being in the heart ripped out state over here and having posters, often like you, try to convince us it's no big deal and you must have done something to warrant it.

 

You too project from your perspective realist. Everyone does.

 

Being uncaring about me and my pain doesn't make you any less condescending than someone calling me bitter.

 

Different, but no better, not really.

[Steen719]

Than I cannot imagine you have ever had your heart ripped out of your chest, thrown on the floor and stomped on by betrayal.

 

I could be wrong, and I try hard not to judge, but I can't hold everyone's hand so I stopped trying.

 

If you think you hear bitterness projected on some posts over there, imagine being in the heart ripped out state over here and having posters, often like you, try to convince us it's no big deal and you must have done something to warrant it.

 

You too project from your perspective realist. Everyone does.

 

Being uncaring about me and my pain doesn't make you any less condescending than someone calling me bitter.

 

Different, but no better, not really.

 

Hear, hear!!!!!

[Decorative]

I just love how some say they don't judge when their every word drips with it. Such lack of true introspection has gotta be admired as a talent.

 

I have no problem judging. You don't hav to be god to judge, you only have to have some discernment between different views you find align with your inner values of right and wrong. We all have that I hope! Good judgment. Is a very important thing to have.

 

On topic, I agree that people go are hurt need empathy amongst other things. Empathy with a dose of reality. I hope I have given plenty and I don't find "bitterness" as described here and decried here is a out off. I see it as hurt, pain, need and it rouses my protective and mother bear instincts to ward off those who are the cause. I'm proud of that. And if that makes me buying into bitterness so be it. Some things are more important than turbo the other freaking cheek.

 

 

Yup.

 

I own freely that I judge. Everyone does, in the end. I have infinitely more respect for those who don't lie about it.

[nofool4u]

No, he never posted here. He has posted elsewhere on internet infidelity sites and has grown tired of people on OTHER sites telling him the same stuff over and over.

 

Maybe he was hoping he would be told more along the lines of what he wanted to here over there.

 

I agree. And the topic was BH's recovery. Unless the OW/OM were once BH's, how do they know what someone that was betrayed needs to recover?

[Realist3]

Than I cannot imagine you have ever had your heart ripped out of your chest, thrown on the floor and stomped on by betrayal.

 

I could be wrong, and I try hard not to judge, but I can't hold everyone's hand so I stopped trying.

 

If you think you hear bitterness projected on some posts over there, imagine being in the heart ripped out state over here and having posters, often like you, try to convince us it's no big deal and you must have done something to warrant it.

 

You too project from your perspective realist. Everyone does.

 

Being uncaring about me and my pain doesn't make you any less condescending than someone calling me bitter.

 

Different, but no better, not really.

 

I have had my heart stomped on a few times. But ya know what, I moved on. I forgave those instances because it makes me a happier person. Thatmaynot be the road for everyone, and I realize that.

 

I learned that lesson not from my own experiences, but that from a stranger. I was at a function and by chance met a woman whose daughter had been brutally raped and murdered by a heinous man. A man who faced the death penalty. Anyway, she told me her story and how she had vigorously worked to try and keep this horrible man from being executed. Logstory short, her message to me was "Don't allow other people's misdeeds decide who you are." She had every right to be bitter, angry, hostile, vengeful, you name it; but she was not going to allow him to rule over her life's outlook. That struck me very deeply. Here I had been hurt many times andwas holding grudges, but here was a person that had been hurt far more than I could ever imagine. And she had a peace about her. a peace that I want to strive for in my life.

 

So back to the issue, Spark. If you think I am being condescending, I'm sorry for that. I don't claim to be perfect. I want to make a very clear distinction here. You have every right to whatever feelings you have. What bothers me is those that project their hurt on others coming here to seek advice. There is a very real difference between tough love and expressing anger towards someone whose actions you disapprove of.

[Realist3]

I agree. And the topic was BH's recovery. Unless the OW/OM were once BH's, how do they know what someone that was betrayed needs to recover?

 

 

And yet he chose not to post it here... seeeking out OW/OM perspective. That should be telling in and of itself.

[nofool4u]

And yet he chose not to post it here... seeeking out OW/OM perspective. That should be telling in and of itself.

 

It is telling, like someone else said, he wants someone to tell him what he wants to hear. When someone doesn't want to hear it from people who have been in his shoes and have been there, yes, it is all too telling.

[Spark1111]

I guess there is a common theme on these infidelity message boards of bitterness he wanted to avoid. And you're right he didn't post it on this one. Clue?

 

 

he can post wherever he pleases. he can take or receive whatever advice he wants, from anyone on any site.

 

No, no clue!

 

if I wanted to be agreed with, I have an office of employees and a few dogs too.

 

if I want honest assessment, I hire an IC and subscribe to LS, and have a few brutally honest friends who's opinions, while harsh sometimes, I revere.

 

stuck in bitter is NO different than those stuck in delusion.

 

To each their own, and I take no issue with either.

[Spark1111]

Or maybe... just maybe he finds the same bitter responses to be unhelpful.

 

you know what?

 

I am not sure I care all that much.

 

no offense, but I no longer care is someone agrees with me or not. t is my perception and my situation and my feelings and my judgement.

 

so I have taken the high road soooooo many times in my life, been the better person, overcame the trauma, that I have a code I now live by and am not afraid to embrace it and STILL try to help others in pain.

 

I believe the cowardly deceptive nature of affairs intentionally causes pain to the innocent unsuspecting BSs. That is my perception, my camp.

 

project bitterness, condescension, blame, all you want.

 

it does not change my reality. it does not change my worldview. it doesn't change that while you might have developed feelings for another --which, by the way, I get!-- It does NOT change that you (general) lied to me to pursue those feelings.

 

I think you may be all a bunch of mealy-mouthed cowards hiding from your own issues, who occasionally come across as very arrogant and smug and superior and judgmental of us lesser mortals. STILL I try to help!

 

You may think I am bitter. I don't see it, but ok, maybe. I know I grow cynical.

 

I think IRL, I wouldn't date you or any of your Ilk: the ones who do not live an authentic, honest life with integrity and confidence in your romantic choices. Excuses, excuses, excuses...my head spins. I'd grow bored of all the drama and subterfuge.

 

GOD knows, I would have never stayed with my H if he didn't change his ways. Who would want to? not for love, money, history, children would I stay with a man who thought sneaking around behind my back was the answer to what ailed him.

 

Clue? if they don't want my advice, my perception, my world view, they are free to ignore me. I am really ok with that.

 

Everyone projects from their own experience.

 

Realist, I'm okay with that too. Are you?

[Decorative]

After reading how some posters use the word bitter - I think I wanna wear it as a badge of honor. Because it means my thoughts and feelings are miles away from their perspective.

 

And that's nothing but good.

[Realist3]

Realist, I'm okay with that too. Are you?

 

Perfectly fine.

[bentnotbroken]

After reading how some posters use the word bitter - I think I wanna wear it as a badge of honor. Because it means my thoughts and feelings are miles away from their perspective.

 

And that's nothing but good.

 

 

Told yah. Where it with pride.

[bentnotbroken]

Told yah. Where it with pride.

 

 

That should say WEAR...duh.

[Spark1111]

Or maybe... just maybe he finds the same bitter responses to be unhelpful.

 

hey, maybe he can't be helped. Ever consider that? when potentially 100s, maybe 1000s of people, some bitter, but certainly NOT ALL, try to tell you it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, Maybe, JUST MAYBE......IT IS A DUCK! and still you find ANOTHER site and forum to get what you want to hear....Guess what?

 

I don't think my advice and support will help you. I give up.

[Spark1111]

I'm actually really perplexed by the the accusation that my comments hurt people. I have received warnings about postings but it was about going off topic, which I certainly was not the lone participant.

 

I wish to hurt no one. If my comments hurt anyone, know they are not intended to do so.

 

I believe you. but as a BS, almost 5 years out from DDay, I am TRYING to think outside the box. I really am.

 

If I am perceived as bitter, so be it. I came here to learn and, for the most part, have welcomed all opinions, even those that seemed harsh, judgmental, and yes....even bitter.

 

I just ask that others at least TRY to do the same.

[seren]

When I think back to the early days after D Day, I remember the nights spent trawling the internet looking for people who had been through infidelity, looking to read how they had coped, got through the truly awfulness of it all, the absolute gut wrenching pain and how maybe, just maybe they had managed to survive past the first week without going crazy. I stumbled across a lot of sites, some of them had BS lashing out at the WS with such venom I just couldn't relate to them, some blaming the AP and I couldn't relate to those either, then I found an OW/OM only site and was simply amazed that people could discuss their A's and not give a rat's a*** for the BS, some finding it funny, clever, giving advice about how to deal with a D Day.

I learned about the levels of deceit and the derogatory often snide comments made about the BS that I felt I had been living in a bubble, where people actually gave a toss about the feelings of other's. My welcome to the world of reality and delusion that A's are was a huge wake up call and dammed me, but it hurt, so very much.

 

I once tried to express how that hurt made me feel and was labelled bitter, I had explained that I felt that my H was to blame for my hurt and was told I was a fool, that my H was likely still seeing the AP etc etc, all designed to hurt me personally, yet all, in reality more about projection than anything else - it took a while to understand that and just after D Day, that wasn't what was needed. I needed a place to rant, vent, howl at the moon, before I was in a place to learn how to heal, how to get by each moment without feeling sick or foolish. I was simply a woman who had loved and trusted for over 23 years and who had, had the bottom fall out of her world and was looking for support, answers and a safe place to say aloud what I felt, from my heart.

 

Being labelled bitter for feeling betrayed is such a crap, crap feeling on top of already crap, crap feelings.

 

To be labelled as such by someone who has enabled that in another just didn't make any sense to me. I had never been called that by the OW, rather the reverse, but how can you (general) get anonymous people on an internet board who don't know me, my reactions, actions and intent to understand that? I have read some truly hurtful things said by both sides of the A and some mind blowing justifications for the WS having an A - fact is, I know my reality and I know how I have dealt with it and being bitter was neither helpful, true or applicable. How anyone can see hurt and pain and not understand or justify it or even head it off by hanging a label on it is something I am trying to understand, but right now, it escapes me.

[waterwoman]

seren - I so agree. I had never known a pain like it. Never. I have never felt so overwhelmed, scared, angry, worthless, alone, betrayed in my entire life. And no amount of rationalising by some OW and WS on here and elsewhere will change that. And no I didn't suspect, and no I didn't do anything to deserve it. But coming here (and TOW and other forums) was the first time I had ever come across people who had been involved in affairs and werent sorry! I didn't know such a thing could be - so naive. I had always assumed that affairs 'just happened' and were deep and dirty secrets that everyone was ashamed of but couldn't stop. It hurt really badly to see some of the cruel comments made to BS - bitter seemed to be one of the favourite. I've grown up a bit now, I see things are more complex (aren't they always?) - but the 'bitter' word still seems unutterably cruel and often intentionally so.

[nofool4u]

Not trying to be a smartarse, but if that is what you prefer, there are other sites that do segregate.

 

Its a matter of fairness, you OW/OM seem to think that section is "yours", why can't we have one that is "ours"?

 

Not saying that anyone can post in either, but seems that the OW/OM can tell others to mind their P's & Q's over "there", but then come here and rub BS's nose in s**t.

 

 

Personally..........I don't get why anyone needs to be protected no matter which side of the fence you sit on. If you can't handle it or only want what you want to hear........you shouldn't be posting on a non protected forum.

 

It's that simple.

 

Easy for you to say, you are one of the protected.

[nofool4u]

Or maybe... just maybe he finds the same bitter responses to be unhelpful.

 

Or maybe he doesn't want to hear the truth.

 

Makes no sense to discount the advice and experience of those that were once in his shoes and have been in his kind of pain, to wanting to hear that which adheres to what his pre-determined path is from those that caused the type of pain he is experiencing.

 

What his problem was is he wants to desperately keep his cheater, therefore anything we have to say, because we have been there, isn't what he wants to hear. So he will dismiss it as bitter and go to a forum where the cheaters, OM/OW will definitely tell him to give her a chance and tell him that he pushed her to it, therefore he needs to give her a break.

[nofool4u]

he can post wherever he pleases. he can take or receive whatever advice he wants, from anyone on any site.

 

No, no clue!

 

if I wanted to be agreed with, I have an office of employees and a few dogs too.

 

if I want honest assessment, I hire an IC and subscribe to LS, and have a few brutally honest friends who's opinions, while harsh sometimes, I revere.

 

stuck in bitter is NO different than those stuck in delusion.

 

To each their own, and I take no issue with either.

 

Its like a friend of mine, he actually insinuated that I was bitter, without coming right out and saying it, because he wanted my opinion about his wife's nocturnal activities. Red flags galore, and I recognized them because I went through it with my x-wife.

 

But he didn't want to hear what I had to say from experience and basically told me that just because I went through that with my X doesn't mean its what his wife was doing. He didn't want to believe it and didn't want to think about the possibility that he may have to end his marriage. I dropped it because he didn't want to hear it.

 

What happened? He came back to me and told me I hit the nail on the head and she was cheating. That was 3 years later and he wishes he could have gotten those 3 years back.

[Realist3]

Or maybe he doesn't want to hear the truth.

 

Makes no sense to discount the advice and experience of those that were once in his shoes and have been in his kind of pain, to wanting to hear that which adheres to what his pre-determined path is from those that caused the type of pain he is experiencing.

 

What his problem was is he wants to desperately keep his cheater, therefore anything we have to say, because we have been there, isn't what he wants to hear. So he will dismiss it as bitter and go to a forum where the cheaters, OM/OW will definitely tell him to give her a chance and tell him that he pushed her to it, therefore he needs to give her a break.

 

Why is wanting to keep his wife a problem? Somewhere I have read that 70-80% do. So, he wants to hear advice from people that won't lead him to divorce. What does it matter to anyone?