Bitter betrayed spouses.

[Spark1111]

The million-dollar question. Churn, churn, churn. I don't understand it either. Makes you wonder who else IRL they're heaping that abuse & vitriol on.

 

Who is they?

[Realist3]

Idk...but I hardly think BSs corner the market on bitter or venomous posts laced with cynicism or sarcasm.

 

Try reconciling successfully, or attempting to reconcile if you want to take a few spins on debates filled with incredulation, cynicism, sarcasm and yes, bitter venom.

 

I mean why is the skin so thin?

 

EVERYONE takes a turn in the hot seat, has shots taken at them for whatever action they embark upon in a public, anonymous internet forum.

 

For me personally, I have a very thick skin. There is no inflammatory comment anyone can make that will have any impact on me.

 

But that is not the case with some others. They come here for advice and get lambasted into submission which defeats the whole purpose of this place.

[nofool4u]

Oh and Realist, if we are bitter, what does that make you? Justifiably entitled? Entitled to say what you want without it resonating with people? Face it, you post things you know will piss off BS's, yet you have no direct involvement with them IRL. Why is that?

[Realist3]

I resent that it is often implied that different posters have to be handled with kid gloves.

 

Why?

 

Everyone at anytime can, and often does receive the projection of feelings from other posters. Some are angry, some are more civil, some are maybe having a bad day.

 

So what?

 

Take what you need and ignore the rest.

 

Who said anything about kid gloves? How about a basic level of civility. Ya know the way you would talk to someone if you just met them.

 

Like I said if you are having a bad day or read something that makes you angry, why respond with anger? It does not help the situation in any way.

[nofool4u]

For me personally, I have a very thick skin. There is no inflammatory comment anyone can make that will have any impact on me.

 

Thats because you aren't a betrayed spouse. People can and do have a right to be disgusted by your view of them.

[Realist3]

And you are here projecting your disdain for those who have been hurt by people such as yourself.

 

You have no direct involvement with the BS's on this board, but it doesn't stop you does it?

The difference being is that I make a point of not trying to insult them.

 

WRONG!!!! I have absolutely no disdain for anyone, much less the BS's on this board.

[Realist3]

Thats because you aren't a betrayed spouse. People can and do have a right to be disgusted by your view of them.

 

I don't think I have ever expressed a view of "them". I may have disagreed with certain opinions, but that has certainly never led me to a disgust of anyone.

[drifter777]

Yes, some people think that labeling us as "bitter" somehow disqualifies our posts. It can certainly be argued that someone's past can color their views. More importantly, I think it can be argued that everyone's views are colored by their past. So perhaps no one is truly objective. In that case, how about we look at the strength of their argument rather than their emotional history?

 

No, it is not an argument. Everything that happens to us shapes who we are today and will continue to shape who we will be tomorrow.

[Spark1111]

For me personally, I have a very thick skin. There is no inflammatory comment anyone can make that will have any impact on me.

 

But that is not the case with some others. They come here for advice and get lambasted into submission which defeats the whole purpose of this place.

 

If you really believe that is true, then those people, hopefully are in counseling with a paid professional IF we strangers are their best source of support or can cause them to scurry away.

 

To come to an anonymous internet forum and expect not to hear all sides of projection from all sides of infidelity is not realistic to me.

 

And yes, we have all been hurt by it because it was something we didn't want to hear, or were ready to hear or consider at the time. I do not remember ever thinking someone was bitter.

 

But there are terms of service and alert and ignore features, folks.

[Spark1111]

Who said anything about kid gloves? How about a basic level of civility. Ya know the way you would talk to someone if you just met them.

 

Like I said if you are having a bad day or read something that makes you angry, why respond with anger? It does not help the situation in any way.

 

Like i said, if it violates TOS, there is always the option to report them.

[Realist3]

Oh and Realist, if we are bitter, what does that make you? Justifiably entitled? Entitled to say what you want without it resonating with people? Face it, you post things you know will piss off BS's, yet you have no direct involvement with them IRL. Why is that?

 

I can no more choose how someone gets pissed off anymore than I can choose if they laugh out loud.

 

Anyone can say whatever they want. The OP's question was why are some people called bitter, and I attempted to answer that question.

 

And I didn't say all were bitter, just a few that are very vocal. You tend to be one of the more abrasive posters, but that doesn't impact me one iota.

[nofool4u]

Like i said, if it violates TOS, there is always the option to report them.

 

One could perceive being called bitter could violate the TOS, no?

[waterwoman]

I guess BS come back here again and again because they have issues they are still working through. Or they want to offer advice. Same reason posters on any side of the situation do.

 

Personally I prefer to attempt to remain civil but i can see how it's easy to change your tone if you get attacked time and time again. I just find it unfair that someone who has been betrayed and hurt, has their emotional state thrown in their face in mockery or anger.

[Realist3]

Expressing bitterness in a post obviously does not violate the TOS as it happens on a regular basis.

 

This is about how you express yourself. People obviously want to have their POV heard or they wouldn't be posting. How bitterness in a response helps get that POV across I think is an interesting question.

[whichwayisup]

I think some posters use the term bitter and accuse others of directing their "venom" at them because somewhere deep inside, they know what they are doing is wrong and harmful, and it makes them uncomfortable.

 

They can protest all day long, but when I read a post where a wayward or an OW/OM says bitter, it always reads to me as their psyche troubling them.

 

And I don't take it personally.

 

Part of the problem here is, various posters rub each other the wrong way and it shows, then others react, then more react.. We all know it happens a lot, can see it many threads. Whether it's obvious or passive, depending on the poster. Anyway, discussions like these really don't help solve things at the end of the day, just my 2 cents, it makes things worse.

 

Words jump off the page a certain way and depending who the poster is, their frame of mind etc., things can easily be taken out of context too.

[eleanorrigby]

What bothers me the most about the "bitter" comments is how often they appear to hijack and derail interesting threads.

 

It's annoying to me when a thread is getting really interesting and then someone comes in like the Forum Police to make the announcement that many of us are bitter and should recognize it and deal with it and blah blah blah.

[BetrayedH]

What bothers me the most about the "bitter" comments is how often they appear to hijack and derail interesting threads.

 

It's annoying to me when a thread is getting really interesting and then someone comes in like the Forum Police to make the announcement that many of us are bitter and should recognize it and deal with it and blah blah blah.

 

I agree. I'm not sure what purpose it serves to say that someone is bitter. What are we to then conclude? That their opinion should be disregarded? Often it seems a change from the subject at hand. "Don't listen to her; she's just bitter." Suddenly we're discussing the poster rather than their opinion. It does derail the conversation.

[Ninja'sHusband]

What I am talking about is when BS's allow their hurt/venom to hurt others they are posting to. There is a way tp be civil without projecting ones hurt onto someone else.

 

It goes back to a question I have asked before. If reading and participating here makes one relive or project that bitterness/anger on others why do that to yourself?

 

For me this is a relatively safe place to vent and discuss things where no-one really knows each other. Isn't the point of this forum to get full honest feedback? Especially for guys, talking about this stuff IRL is very hard, especially when everyone you know has an obvious bias one way or the other. Also RL discussions tend to be 1on1, where here there's a whole forum of POVs to counter each other. I hate what's going on in my life; here I can actually talk about it without it being incredibly awkward. It's a big release for me to be able to share relevant stories, advise, and empathy with people in a similar plight. Someone who hasn't been in my boat (or *our* boat since most of us are BSs) wouldn't be able to really understand and speak to the issues in the same way.

 

People often ask, "How do I get over the anger!?". One of my common auto responses is "Keep posting! " I think it's good to direct that energy somewhere. Anger gives you energy to take action and prevent further injury. I think a lot of us here ARE ANGRY, even those who are reconciled and doing the best they can. We stick around trying to help other people, doing something with that energy. A lot of good projects get started that way. Someone gets hurt badly and they lose something precious, and they spend much of their life trying to fix that thing that hurt them. I think it makes sense, who better to spearhead actions than the person who has passion and energy on it from personal experience?

[Spark1111]

I think a concern is when they decide to get over the anger by bringing it to the OW/OM board and directing it at people who aren't part of their situation. Then some people lash out when we get defensive.

 

Yes, but LFH that happens here too. Maybe people are divorced and can't fathom how I stayed with my H. Or, OW come here and can't fathom that we never stopped having good sex.

 

I mean, I think they may be angry and maybe they are projecting it onto my sitch, but so what?

 

I do agree that telling posters that so and so is bitter, in an attempt to negate their post or minimie their point of view is very, very unfair.

 

That poster has a right to their point of view, just as you do, just as I do.

[Steen719]

You have every right to be bitter. I don't understand people who think they can determine when another person should be over something.

 

or feel a certain way...

[Realist3]

Nobody said anything about not being able to feel bitterness or act it out in any way they so choose. At the same time it doesn't mean others can't call it out for what it is.

[Realist3]

And LFH, is probably right, it mostly comes about on the OW/OM forum where a bunch of BS's gang up on some unsuspecting newbie OW/OM pummelling them with bitterness.

[Steen719]

A few days back, a poster posted (with what I believe) comments that really make people mad and it never seems to fail that threads that he is present in frequently get closed down. There are other posters here who elicit the same kinds of responses to posters, particularly BSs.

 

Here is my point. I grew up with 3 older brothers. I learned pretty early on that if I got upset or fought with them, it fueled the fire. This isn't to say that I didn't do it, but ultimately I learned my lessons. The argument content matters, so sometimes people who do this bring something relevant to the table. Sometimes it is really just so obvious that the poster is after some strong reactions and they start pushing the buttons. What I don't understand is why we just don't ignore them? If they are not adding something substantive to the discussion, act like they didn't answer. They will tire of acting superior and insinuating that BSs are whining and sniveling. Just ignore.

[BetrayedH]

At the same time it doesn't mean others can't call it out for what it is.

 

To what end? Why? That's the whole question. What conclusion should we draw when someone is called bitter? What is the intent? If you're calling it what it is, what is it?

[Furious]

Ironically, there are some posters here who seem to get a perverse pleasure from the pain a betrayed spouse feels, and then to call them "bitter" or imply "to just get over it", appears to be a deflection of their own issues.

 

It's very common here that some cheaters are quick to defend other cheaters and whether sub-consciously or consciously rub salt on the wounds of a betrayed spouse. I've noticed it's as a passive aggressive attempt to upset betrayed spouses and then to admonish them as bitter.

 

There are a few un-remorseful WS's and OW/OM who post here and claim to be very happy in their situation no matter who they hurt or deceive. They're usually the one's who bring up the word "bitter" when challenged about their chosen lifestyle.

 

I've noticed there some posters who get up in arms when a WS is encouraged to tell their betrayed spouse the truth, and also when an OW/OM is encouraged to give the truth. It's been said to not listen to a pack of bitter spouses and they are only advocating honesty because they're "bitter".