Decorative Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 Overcoming "bitterness" is not properly instructed by an active other woman, in a long term extramarital relationship where she remains hidden from the wife. This thread topic wasn't about telling people how to overcome imaginary bitterness. It was about the use of the word bitter as a pejorative. 6
ComingInHot Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 Bitter as in leaves a bad taste in my mouth = YES Victim as in happened TO me w/out my consent or foresight = YES Bitter because I was a victim = NO The Day AFTER I found out about my husband's infidelity was the first day in a LOOOOONG time that I was NO longer a victim. No more would I put up w/his manipulations, back-handed compliments, angry outbursts, verbal abuse. No longer would I "just take it" and allow myself to be treated less than I deserved just as a basic human being. My husband was totally blind-sided at my ferocious defense of myself and my children and our life. Pretty sure the phrase, " get the F out if you don't like it" came out of My cute little mouth on More than a few occasions and It Felt GOOOOD! I think in terms of the topic, "bitter" so forget about or disregard anything she/he has to say, is a simply a defense mechanism for someone who doesn't want to hear it. I am bitter but I'm Not angry. I really like sharing my story if it helps and supports others no matter their position* 6
Decorative Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 Bitter as in leaves a bad taste in my mouth = YES Victim as in happened TO me w/out my consent or foresight = YES Bitter because I was a victim = NO The Day AFTER I found out about my husband's infidelity was the first day in a LOOOOONG time that I was NO longer a victim. No more would I put up w/his manipulations, back-handed compliments, angry outbursts, verbal abuse. No longer would I "just take it" and allow myself to be treated less than I deserved just as a basic human being. My husband was totally blind-sided at my ferocious defense of myself and my children and our life. Pretty sure the phrase, " get the F out if you don't like it" came out of My cute little mouth on More than a few occasions and It Felt GOOOOD! I think in terms of the topic, "bitter" so forget about or disregard anything she/he has to say, is a simply a defense mechanism for someone who doesn't want to hear it. I am bitter but I'm Not angry. I really like sharing my story if it helps and supports others no matter their position* Exactly. I was a victim until I knew the truth. Then? Look.out. 3
woinlove Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 My opinion is that the word "bitter" is needed because it describes a quite common long term characteristic among BSs and also among former OP which prevent them from healing. Then I shared my experience of how to deal with such emotions. If that is considered off topic, I'm certain the moderators will inform me. Others have put forward the idea that bitter is a needed description, but it doesn't change the fact that it is used to dismiss whole groups of posters, sometimes before any BS have even posted on a thread. It may sometimes be used differently, but often it is used in a dismissive way or comes across as a dismissive tactic, which is what this thread is discussing. In that case, your advice and moral relativism is moot for this thread. 1
thomasb Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 Nothing quite like a woman who is stabbing another in the back daily telling others they are bitter and need to get over it already. Sounds like a very stupid... ere... naïve person to me. 11
buckeyeblue Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 My husband was totally blind-sided at my ferocious defense of myself and my children and our life. Pretty sure the phrase, " get the F out if you don't like it" came out of My cute little mouth on More than a few occasions and It Felt GOOOOD! Oh my!! Such language...:laugh: 1
buckeyeblue Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 Trinity - Let me help make this more clear for you. BSs are not likely to find credible the "advice" from a person more screwed up than they are. Work on your OWN issues about why you would lower yourself by screwing a married man (and proudly, at that) and THEN MAYBE you can offer some helpful insight. 11
thomasb Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 Oh my!! Such language...:laugh: I only got the first four words myself! But they were said with definite emphasis and meaning. 2
Spark1111 Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 I'm not bitter. I am actually quite happy in all aspects of my life. I just do not respect someone who has a relationship with my man, or makes such a self-destructive choice to engage in an affair with a married partner. It is deceptive and sneaky and cowardly and hurtful to the unsuspecting spouse who is a victim of it. to hear justications for that behavior boggles my mind. Whenever disrespect of that position is voiced, it seems it is all too often called bitter and is dismissive. My moral compass is on Planet Earth and I believe the great majority of the people I reside here with also disrespect lying, deceitful behavior. if we did not, affairs would never have to be conducted in secret, and last I looked, they all are. 4
Realist3 Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 if we did not, affairs would never have to be conducted in secret, and last I looked, they all are. Huh????? The reason they are kept secret is to keep them away from the people that would object/be hurt. That speaks nothing to the disrespect of the behaviors you listed. It is the fact that they are secret that is the source of those behaviors, bot the other way around.
woinlove Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 Huh????? The reason they are kept secret is to keep them away from the people that would object/be hurt. That speaks nothing to the disrespect of the behaviors you listed. It is the fact that they are secret that is the source of those behaviors, bot the other way around. It is more than that for many. A lot of people do not tell their family or others about their A, as they might if they were in a serious out in the open R or in a marriage, .because they don't want to be met with disapproval. Many even think the A is wrong, even while they participate. One reads this quite often on LS ... "I know this is wrong, but..." or "I can't talk to anyone in real life about this..." It is wrong to assume that everyone that is involved in an affair sees nothing wrong with that behavior. In fact, from LS, it appears to be only a minority of affair participants who see nothing wrong. Sorry for adding to the t/j, but this seemed like such a wrong assumption to leave out there. 1
Realist3 Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 No, it's so the cheaters can keep on a-cheatin'. There is absolutely NOTHING altruistic about the deception. Give me a freakin' break. I'm not saying there is anything altrustic about an affair. I'm saying the reason it is kept secret has nothing to do with the disrespect of dishonesty, etc.. Those behaviors listed are are a byproduct of trying to keep it secret, not the reason it is kept secret.
woinlove Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 I'm not saying there is anything altrustic about an affair. I'm saying the reason it is kept secret has nothing to do with the disrespect of dishonesty, etc.. Those behaviors listed are are a byproduct of trying to keep it secret, not the reason it is kept secret. How can deception not be a disrespect of honesty? If one really values honesty, then one chooses honesty. If one values having an AP and a spouse more, then one may choose dishonesty. It's pretty simple. 3
Realist3 Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 How can deception not be a disrespect of dishonesty? If one really values honesty, then one chooses honesty. If one values having an AP and a spouse more, then one may choose dishonesty. It's pretty simple. You are confusing two different issues. She said if there was no disrespect of dishonesty, affairs would not be secret. Basically, her statement didn't make sense. Deception is a disrespect of honesty. Disrespect of dishonesty is not the reason affairs are in secret.
woinlove Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 You are confusing two different issues. She said if there was no disrespect of dishonesty, affairs would not be secret. Basically, her statement didn't make sense. Makes sense to me, because this is how I operate. I don't like to lie and if I was in an R and didn't want to be monogamous, I just said so. No deception, no affair. Just an honest agreement among adults. I don't get what you are saying. No one forces you to lie, if you want to be honest, you can. If you are dishonest, it is your own choice and I can't see how that is valuing or respecting honesty, or if you prefer to phrase it that way, disrespecting dishonesty. It doesn't make sense to pin the responsibility for lying on the affair rather than on the person who is lying. Affairs don't lie. People do. 2
Spark1111 Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 Huh????? The reason they are kept secret is to keep them away from the people that would object/be hurt. That speaks nothing to the disrespect of the behaviors you listed. It is the fact that they are secret that is the source of those behaviors, bot the other way around. It hurt me more to have their affair kept secret from me then if they had declared their feelings honestly and he and I separated while he pursued his relationship with her. I would not have been operating under a false set of assumptions or working towards a future with him; plus, I too could have been dating to see if their was someone out there better suited to me. The betrayal hurt me worse than the truth ever could have. I think to keep a secret from me constitued the 4 Cs: cowardly, condescending, controlling, and cake-eating. 10
Spark1111 Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 You are confusing two different issues. She said if there was no disrespect of dishonesty, affairs would not be secret. Basically, her statement didn't make sense. Deception is a disrespect of honesty. Disrespect of dishonesty is not the reason affairs are in secret. You HONESTLY believe your affair should be kept a secret so as to not hurt your spouses? You think the pain is in the honest disclosure of feelings for another as opposed to sneaking and lying to their faces? What are they? 12? You think the keeping of the secret of your relationship is a GOOD thing? Why? Because it is deceptive, cowardly and I, and many, many others find that MORE disrespectful than the actual deveoping of feelings for another. It is also sooooo controlling and condescending to assume my cheating spouse and OW knew what was best for me that, yes, that is laughable. 5
nofool4u Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 Overcoming "bitterness" is not properly instructed by an active other woman Yes, its condescending. Especially given the person that tried to give the instruction and her view on BS's and affairs. 4
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