waterwoman Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 (edited) Why do so many posters here call betrayed spouses ‘bitter’ as if it’s an insult? Why use the fact that someone has been hurt as a method of hurting them more and belittling their experience? If a car driver has an accident and a passenger was killed because they weren’t wearing a seat belt, and they went through the windscreen, the driver would be more cautious about always checking seat belts. Probably extremely so. You wouldn’t call them ‘paranoid’, you’d call them sensibly cautious. And you certainly wouldn’t throw the word at them as an insult. H’s affair has made a difference to my outlook without a doubt. 15yrs ago when a good friend of ours had an affair with a MM and he left his wife for her, I was quite sanguine. I just shrugged and said ‘these things happen’. I was more concerned with the happiness of my friend. Having been there for myself I think I’d find a little less easy to look at only one side in an affair. I can see the pain and betrayal of the BS. Does that make me bitter? Edited January 14, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator fixed code 4
BetrayedH Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 I really don't mind being called bitter because it may be accurate. Yes, I've been hurt. "So what?" is my typical response. It doesn't change the strength of my arguments. Those that resort to name-calling are usually woefully short on intellect, as demonstrated by their use of name-calling rather than making their own point. 8
Realist3 Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 I don't think the use of the word bitter is an unsult; it is just an accurate description of some posters that allow those bitter feelings to flow through their posts. When a BS projects their hurt on a WS, whether they post here or not, that is bitterness. 1
Author waterwoman Posted January 14, 2013 Author Posted January 14, 2013 I don't think the use of the word bitter is an unsult; Well sometimes that might be true but I have spent way too much time recently on the OW/OM board and have seen occasions where the word is definitely used as an insult. 4
Spark1111 Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 I don't think the use of the word bitter is an unsult; it is just an accurate description of some posters that allow those bitter feelings to flow through their posts. When a BS projects their hurt on a WS, whether they post here or not, that is bitterness. Maybe they are just hurt and angry? Not sure why "bitter" is perceived as insulting. If they feel the actions of a WS is wrong, why are they considered bitter when they state that? 2
bentnotbroken Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 One of the things that I have learned while using different boards is that the "term" bitter implies what I said was not liked by the person who I said it to. You know what...I really don't give a fat rat's behind. If a label one attaches to me makes them feel better about their choices...go for it. I am up to about 10 labels here:D....going for the world record. 13
Anela Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 You have every right to be bitter. I don't understand people who think they can determine when another person should be over something. 3
BetrayedH Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 Yes, some people think that labeling us as "bitter" somehow disqualifies our posts. It can certainly be argued that someone's past can color their views. More importantly, I think it can be argued that everyone's views are colored by their past. So perhaps no one is truly objective. In that case, how about we look at the strength of their argument rather than their emotional history? 7
beenburned Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 WW, I know for a fact that when lying, betrayal, and cheating are done to an OW they react exactly as a BW/BH does!! I have seen this personally and read about it numerous times on different boards. The term bitter is used by OW to put down the BS's feelings and to insinuate that they are overreacting to what all was done to them! 5
woinlove Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 I think it is sometimes tossed around in an attempt to dismiss other posters for a variety of reasons. Some reasons are feeling competitive with the BS, feelings of guilt that the person does not want to acknowledge or address, not wanting to address the full reality of the A and the pain inflicted on the BS, feeling hurt by something a BS posted and wanting to lash back, feeling hurt in general and wanting to lash out, or the poster may be unkind and behave this way routinely. 8
Summer Breeze Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 I hate it when a BS is called bitter and I hate when OW/OM are called trash and all sorts. It all goes back to saying all the right things in all the wrong ways. So many BS who come across harshly have such valid points but it's lost in the wording. Same with OW/OM who can get defensive and distort the same way. I've done it. I've gotten so mad at the attacking I've gotten myself defensive. I don't like it when I do it and I don't like it when I see others doing it. I do try and send PMs to apologize when I've been particularly awful. I don't think either side of the board is any worse than the other. So many of us here with so much to say and our human weaknesses jump in the way of the effectiveness at times. 7
Realist3 Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 Maybe they are just hurt and angry? Not sure why "bitter" is perceived as insulting. If they feel the actions of a WS is wrong, why are they considered bitter when they state that? Depends on how it is stated. There are many many was to say the same thing. Many times you can easily sense the venom being expressed in a post.
Realist3 Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 Yes, some people think that labeling us as "bitter" somehow disqualifies our posts. It can certainly be argued that someone's past can color their views. More importantly, I think it can be argued that everyone's views are colored by their past. So perhaps no one is truly objective. In that case, how about we look at the strength of their argument rather than their emotional history? I don't think it necessarily disqualifies or discounts the post or poster at all, it is just a recognition that the poster is allow their emotions to influence the manner in which they are trying to relay their point. And in many instances those bitter emotions being displayed is aimed at someone who has no impact on their lives, nor deserves that venom.
Realist3 Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 Why is venom called bitter though? Maybe it is anger. Or frustration. Or just a viewpoint the other person wars to discredit (even subconsciously or to themselves). You know that sometimes you havetm to discredit the person because if they were right the implication about you isn't nice. Subconsciously you feel you can have that happen. Venom is just another word for bitter. 1. malice, hate, spite, bitterness, grudge, gall, acidity, spleen, acrimony, rancour, ill will, malevolence, virulence, pungency, malignity, spitefulness, maliciousness There was no mistaking the venom in his voice.
ComingInHot Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 Realist; Surprisingly... I disagree w/your comparison of bitter vs venom. I know Shocker. But using the definitions as stated. I would say that being a betrayed Wife, I am bitter. But my actions, responses & behaviors are not Venom filled. At least, most of the time* Now having an angry response or being angry about a response or comment is different. I know what causes anger in me. Being late, being taken by surprise (in a negative way), being cheated on are my top three. I still however work w/in my own parameters to not have my anger, if created, spill onto others in venomous acts or words. But yes, having been cheated on does in fact leave a "bad taste" in my mouth/heart. 2
Decorative Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 I think some posters use the term bitter and accuse others of directing their "venom" at them because somewhere deep inside, they know what they are doing is wrong and harmful, and it makes them uncomfortable. They can protest all day long, but when I read a post where a wayward or an OW/OM says bitter, it always reads to me as their psyche troubling them. And I don't take it personally. 6
nofool4u Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 Why do so many posters here call betrayed spouses ‘bitter’ as if it’s an insult? Because its the best they have. Why use the fact that someone has been hurt as a method of hurting them more and belittling their experience? Because thats who they are. Funny isn't it? How someone will do something to cause someone else alot of pain, and when that person reacts to being treated like sh*t, then its "YOU ARE BITTER!!!" They are allowed to say it. Just watch what you say back to them. 1
nofool4u Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 I really don't mind being called bitter because it may be accurate. Yes, I've been hurt. "So what?" is my typical response. It doesn't change the strength of my arguments. Exactly. Even though it might stick in the crack of some people, it can be an accurate statement, but like you said, "so what?" You are entitled. And those saying it are wanting to ruffle the feathers even more of people that have suffered at the hands of people such as themselves. To me it says more about them than it would you. Its kind of like a bully crying of unfairness if someone actually hits them back. 2
nofool4u Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 I don't think the use of the word bitter is an unsult; it is just an accurate description of some posters that allow those bitter feelings to flow through their posts. No, the way it is used by your ilk IS an insult. Here is a couple of examples to show you what I mean. "I know you are bitter, but you shouldn't let the situation bother you" vs "You're just bitter" The latter is spoken by people who think they have carte blanche to do whatever they want to whomever they want and that person isn't suppose to be upset about it.
Realist3 Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 one person's "venom" is another person's truth... besides, if one feel that a poster is "bitter" and it's so easy to see the venom, why the need to point it out? If it's as apparent to everyone else as it is to you, then perhaps everyone else will see it anyway... What I am talking about is when BS's allow their hurt/venom to hurt others they are posting to. There is a way tp be civil without projecting ones hurt onto someone else. It goes back to a question I have asked before. If reading and participating here makes one relive or project that bitterness/anger on others why do that to yourself?
Realist3 Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 No, the way it is used by your ilk IS an insult. Here is a couple of examples to show you what I mean. "I know you are bitter, but you shouldn't let the situation bother you" vs "You're just bitter" The latter is spoken by people who think they have carte blanche to do whatever they want to whomever they want and that person isn't suppose to be upset about it. There is no one here doing anything to you in your personal life. You have no direct involvement. So in that case you are projecting your bitterness.
Spark1111 Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 What I am talking about is when BS's allow their hurt/venom to hurt others they are posting to. There is a way tp be civil without projecting ones hurt onto someone else. It goes back to a question I have asked before. If reading and participating here makes one relive or project that bitterness/anger on others why do that to yourself? Idk...but I hardly think BSs corner the market on bitter or venomous posts laced with cynicism or sarcasm. Try reconciling successfully, or attempting to reconcile if you want to take a few spins on debates filled with incredulation, cynicism, sarcasm and yes, bitter venom. I mean why is the skin so thin? EVERYONE takes a turn in the hot seat, has shots taken at them for whatever action they embark upon in a public, anonymous internet forum. 5
Spark1111 Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 What I am talking about is when BS's allow their hurt/venom to hurt others they are posting to. There is a way tp be civil without projecting ones hurt onto someone else. It goes back to a question I have asked before. If reading and participating here makes one relive or project that bitterness/anger on others why do that to yourself? I resent that it is often implied that different posters have to be handled with kid gloves. Why? Everyone at anytime can, and often does receive the projection of feelings from other posters. Some are angry, some are more civil, some are maybe having a bad day. So what? Take what you need and ignore the rest.
OpenBook Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 If reading and participating here makes one relive or project that bitterness/anger on others why do that to yourself? The million-dollar question. Churn, churn, churn. I don't understand it either. Makes you wonder who else IRL they're heaping that abuse & vitriol on.
nofool4u Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 There is no one here doing anything to you in your personal life. You have no direct involvement. So in that case you are projecting your bitterness. And you are here projecting your disdain for those who have been hurt by people such as yourself. You have no direct involvement with the BS's on this board, but it doesn't stop you does it? 3
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