unluckyinlove4 Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 (edited) So my ex and I broke up almost a month ago, a few days before Christmas. He said he wasn't feeling it (I think he has some intimacy issues, to be honest, but eh) and I wasn't going to fight him on it. I really, really liked him as a person, but I wasn't falling in love with him. He's a sweet guy and has been the nicest guy I've dated to date, but I think, in the end, we're both looking for something different. At first he asked if we could be friends and I said no because I'm not a huge fan of being friends with an ex. He called me a couple times and sent me a couple texts saying he hopes I reconsider being his friend because he has come to really like me as a person and hopes I can call him whenever I need support for anything. He dumped me right before Xmas and said he was feeling guilty about leaving me alone for the holidays (I live very far from my family and had planned to spend the holidays with him, so that was one thing that did piss me off)...but I did get to spend the holidays with some friends after all, so I messaged him not to feel guilty about that because I wasn't going to be alone. No response, so I just left it. Cut to a couple weeks later, we're not speaking at all and I realize I have these tickets to an event we were supposed to go to together, but I went out of town at the last minute. I asked him if he wanted them, no response. So I asked again, no response. I then sent him a little note saying I think we can be friends because our relationship wasn't emotionally loaded (and there wasn't a sh*t-ton of chemistry, which is what makes it harder for me to be friends with my other exes compared to him, but I didn't say that) and that I miss him as a friend (which is true...I don't miss him as a bf at all, but I miss him in my life). No response and it's been about a week, but I know he's seen it. I can also tell by looking at a few IP things that he's looking at my blog and stuff quite a bit (which I haven't talked about him since we broke up). I'm trying to be a bit more relaxed about relationships and my feelings in them, but I don't get this. It is TOTALLY out of character for him and he is friends with a lot of exes where the situation is more emotionally loaded. Maybe he is seeing someone else (which wouldn't necessarily bother me, tbh), but that shouldn't stop him from speaking to me as he was speaking to some of his other exes casually whilst we were together. I can only think that maybe something has happened or he regrets it, but I can't imagine that's the case? So I just take it very personally. I can't imagine it would be an emotionally loaded concept for him...we both cried when we broke up, but I think I was more upset that I was getting dumped again and he was likely just upset that he was going to be alone. I know there's nothing I can do, but maybe someone can give me tips on how to not be so personally offended? When we were together, he always talked about how he feels guilty when he breaks up with someone and can be accused of being too nice...well, he's not being too nice to me in the least! Edited January 14, 2013 by unluckyinlove4
stevie_23 Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 Well…didn’t you tell him you didn’t want to be friends? And you went NC while he tried to contact you a few times? So…then you contacted HIM about those tickets, and he doesn’t respond and you wonder why? Not to be weird here, but maybe he just took your wishes under consideration eventually and stopped contacting you as clearly you were not interested in maintaining a friendship with him. Maybe it was too hard for him to be in contact with you as well. Maybe you meant more to him than you realised. Or maybe he’s angry you don’t want to be friends with him (or didn’t at first anyway). Maybe he didn’t understand why he was suddenly not worthwhile as a person (and a friend) to you just because he wasn’t required as an intimate partner anymore. How not to take it personally? Everything about relationships is personal. And yet also, everything about human behaviour is individual. How he acts is more about him than about you.
Author unluckyinlove4 Posted January 14, 2013 Author Posted January 14, 2013 Well…didn’t you tell him you didn’t want to be friends? And you went NC while he tried to contact you a few times? So…then you contacted HIM about those tickets, and he doesn’t respond and you wonder why? Not to be weird here, but maybe he just took your wishes under consideration eventually and stopped contacting you as clearly you were not interested in maintaining a friendship with him. Maybe it was too hard for him to be in contact with you as well. Maybe you meant more to him than you realised. Or maybe he’s angry you don’t want to be friends with him (or didn’t at first anyway). Maybe he didn’t understand why he was suddenly not worthwhile as a person (and a friend) to you just because he wasn’t required as an intimate partner anymore. How not to take it personally? Everything about relationships is personal. And yet also, everything about human behaviour is individual. How he acts is more about him than about you. It's all possible, yes. He could be angry that I said I didn't want to be friends, but he knows I'm on good terms with all of my exes, just not call up for a beer on a random Friday night and shoot the breeze friends or anything. That wasn't new to him, but I did tell him I'd think about it. But after saying I think I could be friends, I have no idea why he'd then continue to ignore me?
stevie_23 Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 Well…if you told him you might be able to be friends and he seemed ok with that, it IS strange he’s dropped off the planet now. Maybe it really is just too hard for him. I have learned from my own ex-relationship that men are weird creatures. Very weird indeed.
Author unluckyinlove4 Posted January 14, 2013 Author Posted January 14, 2013 Still taking it personally. I asked him if he was still alive and he didn't even read it (or he did, but just didn't open it). Don't get it. Time to let it go I guess.
stevie_23 Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 There are a billion reasons why he is acting this way, and you won’t know any of them unless he talks to you. And he would only do THAT if he wants to. He obviously does not want to. You can’t help that. And it’s not about you anymore – it’s about him. Entirely him.
Author unluckyinlove4 Posted January 15, 2013 Author Posted January 15, 2013 There are a billion reasons why he is acting this way, and you won’t know any of them unless he talks to you. And he would only do THAT if he wants to. He obviously does not want to. You can’t help that. And it’s not about you anymore – it’s about him. Entirely him. Thanks. I'm trying to pull myself out of this "all men I date hate me" thinking cycle, since logically I know it isn't true. I guess I'm upset because it IS so out of character for him and he's gone off on men who do this kind of thing. Ah well.
stevie_23 Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 Obviously not all men you date hate you, or they wouldn’t be with you in the first place. And if you’re thinking along the lines of once they get to KNOW you they THEN hate you, this isn’t accurate either, though I can understand the feelings behind it. I think it’s more a case of you not choosing people who are particularly well suited to you. They may be good people, and you may be a good person, but that doesn’t mean a relationship will work out between you. It is not a case of who’s at fault or who did something wrong a lot of the time in relationships (although usually at some stage one or both of the people involved WILL do something “wrong” in a relationship), it’s simply the people are not excellently suited to be together and they deal with it in whatever way they can…try to keep the relationship going longer than it should, endure various issues and problems, hurt the other, or end it, perhaps not in the best way. And then deal with the aftermath with silence sometimes too.
Author unluckyinlove4 Posted January 15, 2013 Author Posted January 15, 2013 Very true. I don't think he hates me...it could be difficult to speak to me...who knows.
stevie_23 Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 I think you’ll find it easier on yourself, in terms of being able to relax a bit and gain some closure and peace, if you try to let go of analysing and working out his potential reasons for not being in contact. He obviously doesn’t want to, it’s his choice and it’s all about him, and you will never know his reasons. And at the end of the day, they’re not important.
Author unluckyinlove4 Posted January 22, 2013 Author Posted January 22, 2013 Well, he finally contacted me and said he's confused and doesn't know how to deal with this...but I know for a fact he's on online dating sites already. I don't get why he's so standoffish...it just makes no sense especially the way he acted immediately after the break-up. Not sure why I care so much....I don't want to be with him or anything.
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