starfinder Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 My boyfriend and I have been living together for 6 months, we were a long distance couple before that. When I moved here with him I found out that he is very friendly with his ex-girlfriends parents. Many people have told me that I'm over-reacting but it makes me very uncomfortable. He wants me to be friendly with them too. We go out to dinner with them and for Christmas we went over their house (the ex wasn't there, but they all talk about her.) He told me he wanted to go because he always spent Christmas with them, but he's with me now so I was hurt. He is 30 years old and was never married to his ex, they were together for 4 years. She cheated on him and he had a very hard time getting over her. He talks about her with bitterness all the time. They broke up 3 years ago so I figured he moved on. Now I'm beginning to question this. We go to similar places that they went as well, he mentions this to me. I'm getting a little freaked out. Do you think I'm over-reacting or is he not over his ex and he wants her to know that he's still keeps in contact with them maybe to make her jealous or with hopes of getting her back? Sometimes i Feel like he's trying to relive his life with his ex but instead of his ex it's me in his ex's role. I just think remaining friends with your ex's family is unhealthy. I believe in clean breaks, but I do know some people remain close to ex's families. So I'm confused.
sabre80 Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 That is very weird. Even if they had a child together that would still be weird.
FitChick Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 Where is his own family? Frankly, if I were his ex I'd feel creepy that he still wanted to hang out with my parents. 1
veggirl Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 I can't believe you actually went with your bf to his exes families Xmas event. that is beyond weird. Neither of you had family to spend time with? No I don't think he is over his ex. there is no good reason for him to be so close to her family that he is spending holidays with them. And, the biggest red flag in your story? that he talks about her with bitterness all the time. He is absolutely not over her. Doesn't mean he will get her back but it sounds like he wishes he was still with her. does he talk to her at all?
ja123 Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 I still love my ex's mother - but I only visited her one in the almost 5 years since we broke up. He's moved on and so have I. I wish I could see her more, but I think it would be weird, especially for the other woman who is now in his life. If he and she were OK with it, then I could see dropping by a little more often, as I was really a daughter to her, and his brother mourned the fact that I had left as he felt, in me, he finally had the sister he never had. Maybe your BF finds something in her parents that he never had in his own. Maybe he's bitter about his ex not only for obvious reasons (her having cheated on him), but for the fact that it caused a potential loss of her parents in his life and he doesn't want to let them go. Maybe he loves them. Where are his parents? In the same city? How is his relationship with them?
silvermercy Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 Agree with the others: WEIRD!! I will also add Creepy.
AMusing Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 And, the biggest red flag in your story? that he talks about her with bitterness all the time. Exactly my biggest concern. I remember a poster quite a while ago complaining that her parents would invite her ex over for dinners. She felt betrayed by her family, like they were choosing him over her. I can't help but wondering, how often does this happen? I loved my ex's family and miss them far more than I miss him. I still, very rarely, email his sister. So I understand that it's hard to lose touch with people you care about (they did nothing wrong, after all). But going over to their house for Christmas dinner is really weird, never mind bringing his new girlfriend to the dinner. Does he know how much all this bothers you?
Leigh 87 Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 (edited) wow, this is crazy! He may go about it as though it is normal; the way he talks about it and tells you about it, it may all appear like it is normal.. He probably sounds really normal..... But it is NOT normal. It is really, really weird what he is doing. I will share my story bellow, i am telling you everything about my own boyfriend and HIS ex lover. They both were crazy about each other, as much as two people CAN be crazy about one another. Yet he has managed to focus on me and make her a nice memory. Here is my story: ................. Put it this way: my partner adored his ex.. She was wonderful. They HAD to part ways because they lived on different sides of the world and they met in central america and backpacked for months together until their money ran out. My boyfriend was totally crazy about her, and either of them WANTED to break up - they had to. Even still - by the time he was with me, he did not mention her often. ANd that was less than a YEAR after they parted ways. It is just common sense to not think too much about your ex, when you meet a new partner! I mean, to be honest, when my partner met me, he still adored her and probably had feelings for her, but he could logically see they he would not be seeing her again anytime soon, and that he had feelings for me too that he wanted to explore. I just shared my experience with you regarding my partners ex; I do not think it is healthy to be involved with your ex in any way, BESIDES the occasional facebook message IF it is necessary. In my partners case, it was fine for them to talk on facebook once in a blue moon - because when his mother died, she was his soul support pretty much, and her daily messages from overseas got him through it. He was incredibly close with his mother, and so his ex lovers daily messages seriously were a godsend to him. He is not an emotional guy and never shows his emotions to people, besides her.. she was the only person who he could talk to about it. She was just so important to him during that very, very dificult time. Now I am the one who comforts him. I have taken ove that roll, and he barly talks to his ex lover. Naturally, they just drifted apart, as he was wworking and chose to spend his time with me and his dogs,r ather than messaging her often. Likewise, she was finishng her masters degree, and partying every night and also working at times, and was too busy to keep in very regular contact with my partner. WHat also made their contact okay, was that she lived in Germany, and he AUstralia. LAstly: I personally messaged her asking her what the deal was with those two, and she honestly told me that she never viewed him as a long term prospect, and they simply had a lot of fun overseas and were very very good friends with benifits in her eyes. She was happy for us and had NO intention of getting in our way. She sent me such a sweet, LONG message back. She is really a great girl, I can tell genuine and honest people. ... Did your boyfriend and his ex go through a trauma together? My boyfriend and his ex got kidnapped at knife point together, and had to run away in order to save their own lives. Among the other scares they had in centtral america together.... And then his mother died as soon as he returned hom to AUS, and she was his soul support then. My justiication for them sending the very very occassional facebook message is: they are very important to each other still, because they went through SO much in the past. It is not like they even remember to message each other for months at a time anyway, so it is no big deal to me, and I am looking forward t meeting her briefely when she eventually travels to AUS, or when we travel to Europe. Even a brief encounter with your ex should not revive strong old feelings, i you really love your current parter..... ...... I think some people never totally lose feelings for their exes; my partner was in love, and you do not just lose all feelings. But you know - he loves me a whole lot more and it is blatant. Edited January 14, 2013 by Leigh 87
Author starfinder Posted January 15, 2013 Author Posted January 15, 2013 Thank you everybody for your responses. I am considering leaving him and going home. He does think of her family as his own family. He doesn't really speak with his own family. I can understand this, but they aren't his parents. He has me now. We did travel to my families house for Thanksgiving. He seemed really excited about that but I could see he wanted to be with the ex's family and kept checking his phone the whole time we were away hoping they would contact him, and they did. He was depressed once he did speak to them because i know he wished he was with them. For Christmas I told him I wanted us to spend it together and make it special, but he insisted that we go there because that's what he always does for Christmas. I questioned this, he was with her 4 years, so he spent the holidays with this family 4 times and he didn't go the years when they broke up until he met me. This was the first time he went since they broke up, I felt like he was showing me off so it would get back to her, which really creeped me out. He doesn't speak to the ex. She moved far away last year. I do know that he has her contact information in his phone. I asked him why, and he said he would delete it, but I doubt he did. The other thing is that he says he doesn't talk to her and yet he told me that he knows that she's cheating on her current boyfriend. When I asked him how he knew, he told me he has his sources. This really made me mad because why should he care if she's cheating on her boyfriend? If he's over her he wouldn't care less. I also wonder if these "sources" are her parents. They are really interfering and annoying. They call him all the time. He's always going over their house to fix their computer when I know for a fact they have other people they can ask. It really bugs me. I am considering leaving him. When i first moved here, the first few months he mentioned them occasionally, but it has gotten out of hand since the holidays. I feel that if he has moved on he would make new memories with me and leave these people behind. I understand if he wants to keep in touch with them occasionally, but it's beyond that. They are a constant part of our life. It's really weird. He also tells them personal things about our relationship. I wouldn't be surprised it's getting back to their daughter - his ex.
walfootrot2 Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 Yeah I do not think this sounds healthy at all.
Leigh 87 Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 I told u that my boyfriend adores his ex lover, yet he does not make her a part of his life.... As much as a guy adores his ex, he still has to have very minimal, preferably zero, contact with his ex, if he is to truly move on. And he has to be willing to go zero contact with her if you ask him to. My partner would, but I see no reason to implement that, seeing as they never write each other anymore anyway.
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