D-Lish Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 My take on friendship is that you can support the person without supporting the decisions they make. People have to make their own mistakes, and as much as we can tell them we think they are heading for disaster, they have to walk their own path. I think you did your job as a friend to point out the obvious and voice your concern. No matter how much you think you may know best, you can't direct someone else's life, even with the best of intentions. 1
Eclypse Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 You can tell her your opinion, but don't force it. She is a grown woman and capable of making her own choices in her life. I would hate it if my friends nagged me non stop about my girlfriend. You don't know the ins and outs of her relationship. Only time will tell if she made the right choice, and she will live with the consequences.
charlietheginger Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 Its her life if you have nothing nice to Say the saying goes " dont say anything at All ". Maybe she likes a bumpy train that crashes. Some thrive off the excitement
charlietheginger Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 Try telling a skydiver " its not a good idea to Jump outta planes your shoot might not open You could die". See my point? Some people view relationships the Same way like jumping outta a plane for the exciteme
Author edgygirl Posted January 14, 2013 Author Posted January 14, 2013 Yes you guys are right. I don't want to direct her life I just don't want her to have to waste her precious time as a 34 yo :/ I didn't force it... But she knew my opinion would come eventually as I'm too honest and was avoiding it herself. When she mentioned today that she's changing her mind and that we should just let things happen, saying how spontaneous the 26 yo guy is I said yeah... You mean impulsive? I mean who in sane mind wants to marry another person after 5 days? Charlie I think in her case she sees it as the contrary of excitement... She is seeing it as a stable guy who is adoring her for the long term as opposed to guys her age she dates in the last year.
KungFuJoe Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 Been there done that. Currently going through that with my best female friend who is with a guy that is INSANELY jealous. Understand ONE THING. NOTHING YOU SAY. NOTHING. NOTHING. NOTHING. Will make her change her mind. Nothing. My wife and I have openly told her she needs someone new...but she sticks around. She even lives with him. And she's a hottie and could easily find someone else...but she's loyal to a fault. 2
charlietheginger Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 Yes you guys are right. I don't want to direct her life I just don't want her to have to waste her precious time as a 34 yo :/ I didn't force it... But she knew my opinion would come eventually as I'm too honest and was avoiding it herself. When she mentioned today that she's changing her mind and that we should just let things happen, saying how spontaneous the 26 yo guy is I said yeah... You mean impulsive? I mean who in sane mind wants to marry another person after 5 days? Charlie I think in her case she sees it as the contrary of excitement... She is seeing it as a stable guy who is adoring her for the long term as opposed to guys her age she dates in the last year. Maybe thats her excitement her thrill " ive finally Found a man that will be in a stable relationship with me" As she silently jumps for joy... We all have diff things that excite us for many its driving Fast , going to a amusment park or even seeing a shooting star Different things bring excitement to different people. for some putting together a 5000 piece jigsaw puzzle Together is exciting. Maybe to her this guy is one piece to her jigsaw puzzle Even if he is not mr right he can be her " mr right " for Right now. If i were you id apologize call her say " im happy you Found someone im excited for you seeing you happy Makes me happy for u sorry i over reacted"
D-Lish Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 Yes you guys are right. I don't want to direct her life I just don't want her to have to waste her precious time as a 34 yo :/ I mean who in sane mind wants to marry another person after 5 days? She does. I'm sure it's partially the bliss of a new relationship talking, so maybe that's something to keep in mind when she talks about how she feels. It's next to impossible to reason with someone that believes they are in love. There is no telling what conclusions she will come to after spending more time in this relationship. She may find out he is a total tool, or they may work out. I would just try not to judge her- even though you can see the bigger picture that she can't.
Author edgygirl Posted January 14, 2013 Author Posted January 14, 2013 Oh my thank you so much, love you guys. Not sure how I'd deal with this tonight ( I feel pressure in my chest honestly) without all your wonderful insights
dreamingoftigers Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 Five days LOL! I'm sorry but, really! My husband and I rushed in. Really rushed in. Engaged at month 3. (roughly) Married at one year buy we would've married in six months had we been able to obtain his birth certificate. DAY 5?!! On day 5 we hadn't even touched each other! The only sleeping together was behind a Yamaha building in Kamloops BC on our way to hitchhike out of town. In our own respective sleeping bags.... And we were RECKLESS and I was 22! And she wants to move him in, support him and Marry the guy? It took me months to get a reasonable, consistent impression if my husband and years to get 95% of the picture. ( some people don't know this in their 20s) You weren't a bad friend. Not at all. This isn't about the guy. Your friend wants the package and will find the first "Pre-packaged acceptable candidate." She doesn't want to marry HIM. She wants a "care-free, romantic, just like the movies where all the naysayers were wrong" romance. She wants the storyline, but SHE'S LOST THE PLOT. Unfortunately, any time you underline the risks to her (which she is most likely rationally aware of) it is just going to look like an attack on her partner and this fantasy story she's woven herself. Tell her this: "I'm sorry if it seems like I'm tearing down your guy. By you've got to admit, you caught us all by surprise! I'm sure you wouldn't be with him and going to marry him if you didn't think he was something really special. We all just need a little time to get to know him. He obviously makes you very happy." Your friend is going to be VERY DEFENSIVE of this. Because she KNOWS that everyone is going to say she's crazy etc etc. That type of stiff will just fuel the relationship. Everyone needs to back off a little from it because that way it will collapse in on itself. If they keep saying to each other "everyone's judging us because they are jealous and we're so awesome" they'll keep going with that mentality. My parents have done this for almost 40 years. They NEED someone to scapegoat in order to bond because neither one of them bonds in a healthy meaningful way. Don't be that scapegoat. Honestly, if my father hadn't been able to isolate my mother from her family with the "they just hate me cause I'm poor and was abused" she wouldn't have stayed with him most likely OR they might've (although I doubt it) found other ways to bond. The more insulated your friend stays, the more deluded she'll get. Take her out to the damn mall. Talk about how much fun being single is. Whatever. I'm sorry Hun. It does sound like she's one of those women who will "sacrifice" her friends for the new guy though. That way he becomes her best friend and "everything" overnight. I had a friend last year that did this. I stayed with her overnight when her bf started going apesh*t and she was sobbing her heart out about having lost everything and given everything to him. I just stayed by her side, comforting her. The next day she said I agreed with her when she was "wrong about her relationship because she was upset." her boyfriend was upset that I even took care of her overnight when she was so distraught. He viewed me as an enemy to the relationship even though I was a friend to her and never pushed her EVER to end it. She threw my friendship on the stones right when I was in dire, dire need of a friend having just temporarily lost custody of my daughter and my husband gone off the rails. She tried to reconnect later when she and he were separated but the damage was done. She sits on my Facebook and throws up a status every now and then saying "eveythings just so perfect" followed within the week by "my life sucks bad enough. Everyone needs to stop judging me/us." See the pattern: "it's amazing cause we're us and the picture is perfect." "something is wrong or unhealthy: IT'S EVERYONE ELSE'S FAULT!" I may have taken this post a little far. I know it's hard to watch your friend on the edge of a cliff. But sometimes all you can do is out up one of those big, puffy, inflatable mattresses at the bottom instead of trying to pull the crazy notch back from jumping. (I just learned how those work in my Physics course, it's pretty neat.) Best of luck. 2
dreamingoftigers Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 He must be a Helluva hairdresser and use meth in cologne form. Just sayin.
FitChick Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 She needs to consult an immigration attorney. You can't just marry an illegal. She could wind up taking a financial hit and also be stuck supporting his extended family who would probably move in with them.
Author edgygirl Posted January 14, 2013 Author Posted January 14, 2013 He must be a Helluva hairdresser and use meth in cologne form. Just sayin. LOL! Thanks dreamingoftigers! I was thinking about the scapegoat part and how I believe she will specially want to make things work now that she has to "prove" her judgement is good. It's great to see how everyone gets surprised by this so I don't feel like I'm being a nutso @FitChick: first thing she said is that he has an American passport (lives in the border). It gave me the impression that she said it just so it seems that he is not after citizenship... she kind of really emphasized it. Maybe it's not true and she is just embarrassed by this one more detail but who knows. She also said his father is an architect I think, has his own business etc, so not like they are rich (they won't help him come, support him or so), but apparently don't need her help i.e. Oh well... Let's see what happens
kiss_andmakeup Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 I'm confused. Someone cannot even get into med school without a degree, much less drop out of it. Med school is the graduate degree program that follows completion of a Bachelor's of science (usually biology, for most medical doctors) degree. So he must have a degree of some sort if he was in med school... Regardless of the above, I'd have trouble understanding ANYONE wanting to marry ANYONE after knowing each other for such short amount of time. How bizarre. Not much advice for you there; I'd think it's pretty crazy myself.
Author edgygirl Posted January 14, 2013 Author Posted January 14, 2013 Yes you're probably right, I don't know the specifics. What I do know it he doesn't have the certificate needed to work as a hairdresser here. This friend told me you need a certificate even to work as a waiter in my city (!!!). Also if in Mexico it's the same as my country of origin, you get into med school for graduate studies without needing a bachelor first. I have no clue how it works there. But anyway, if he doesn't want to be a doctor or work in that area... even if he has some kind of science degree it probably won't help I guess? Yes it's pretty crazy. I keep thinking if dating today with no results gets you to do crazy things like that, you know? I see how frustrated she's been after not finding one single guy who was interested in commitment in the last year. As all girls complain here: nice in the beginning but when the possibility of something more was in the horizon they would always bail. And she is the opposite of picky - she would go for what all guys complain here: short, interracial, not beautiful and so on. Even this way she couldn't find someone for a LTR. I tell you... it's crazy out there!
Author edgygirl Posted January 14, 2013 Author Posted January 14, 2013 ps: she said that it's not a weird thing to happen in their culture (her mother is from Latin origin although she was born here, as is his family). Is she right about it?
charlietheginger Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 (edited) I'm confused. Someone cannot even get into med school without a degree, much less drop out of it. Med school is the graduate degree program that follows completion of a Bachelor's of science (usually biology, for most medical doctors) degree. So he must have a degree of some sort if he was in med school... Regardless of the above, I'd have trouble understanding ANYONE wanting to marry ANYONE after knowing each other for such short amount of time. How bizarre. Not much advice for you there; I'd think it's pretty crazy myself. In america after a b.s is finished a person can go on to Get a phd. Europe its a 6yr program entry is based on highschool Gpas for natives no undergraduate classes required. In europe its different. In europe medical school is in itself seperate school a program to finsh to become a doctor Edited January 15, 2013 by charlietheginger
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