Love_me_not Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 Yeah, you read the title right--I'm moving myself and my daughter into a new home this month. My ex-husband and I are separated, divorce coming soon. Anyway, I was never the financial bread-winner in the relationship. I work part time while I go to college, and raise our daughter. I can't quit college, especially now that I am getting divorced, so I continue to work PT. My ex-Mother In Law is very understanding about my reasons for wanting to divorce her son. She supports my decision, and offered to rent me the house that she owns--which is directly behind HER house. This does't bother me, since beggars can't be choosers, and I absolutely could NOT pass up the incredibly cheap rent that she offered me as well. It's an extremely generous thing of her to do, and I greatly appreciate it with all of my heart; it will allow me and my daughter to stay in our neighborhood which is safe, quiet, and she can continue going to the same great school. However, my ex-MIL said something while we were discussing my lease that kinda made me feel weird, or on-edge, I guess. She said, "Just do me one favor...I know why you want to divorce [my son], but please, just don't rub in my face...you know...boyfriends and that sort of thing. Like having them over, or parties, or whatever..." Now, I am FAR from a partier, and I don't have a boyfriend. However, eventually, I will move on (obviously), and have a boyfriend at some point or another. Although I wouldn't ever 'throw it in her face', I'd like to have SOME guy over at SOME point down the road when my daughter isn't there, of course. Would this be rude of me? This is looking way into the future, but I suppose I'm one of those people that looks way ahead. I suppose she will eventually accept the divorce as a finality sort of thing, and she'll move on as well, but would it be rude of me to have a boyfriend over, should I meet someone I like? (Down the road, people...not right now or anytime soon). THANKS!!
2sunny Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 (edited) I think eventually it will be fine - just respect her wishes (don't have guys spend the night etc). Went back and read your original thread. Do not date anyone until your D is final. Edited January 13, 2013 by 2sunny 1
carhill Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 I hope the lease agreement is month to month. That would match up well with moving on once the divorce is final and respecting the current need/desire for inexpensive housing to help you get back on your feet. It sounds like her 'condition', in light of circumstances, is a minor one. Most/all men that you might associate with have their own domiciles and other places of intimate interaction are available away from the familial home. Legally speaking, there's really nothing a landlord can do to screen and disallow potential visitors to a rental unit. Hence, your impetus for respecting her request lies purely in your respect for her and what you deem to be personally reasonable and healthy. Best wishes for a satisfactory and speedy resolution of your divorce. 1
shalisha42 Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 Yeah, you read the title right--I'm moving myself and my daughter into a new home this month. My ex-husband and I are separated, divorce coming soon. Anyway, I was never the financial bread-winner in the relationship. I work part time while I go to college, and raise our daughter. I can't quit college, especially now that I am getting divorced, so I continue to work PT. My ex-Mother In Law is very understanding about my reasons for wanting to divorce her son. She supports my decision, and offered to rent me the house that she owns--which is directly behind HER house. This does't bother me, since beggars can't be choosers, and I absolutely could NOT pass up the incredibly cheap rent that she offered me as well. It's an extremely generous thing of her to do, and I greatly appreciate it with all of my heart; it will allow me and my daughter to stay in our neighborhood which is safe, quiet, and she can continue going to the same great school. However, my ex-MIL said something while we were discussing my lease that kinda made me feel weird, or on-edge, I guess. She said, "Just do me one favor...I know why you want to divorce [my son], but please, just don't rub in my face...you know...boyfriends and that sort of thing. Like having them over, or parties, or whatever..." Now, I am FAR from a partier, and I don't have a boyfriend. However, eventually, I will move on (obviously), and have a boyfriend at some point or another. Although I wouldn't ever 'throw it in her face', I'd like to have SOME guy over at SOME point down the road when my daughter isn't there, of course. Would this be rude of me? This is looking way into the future, but I suppose I'm one of those people that looks way ahead. I suppose she will eventually accept the divorce as a finality sort of thing, and she'll move on as well, but would it be rude of me to have a boyfriend over, should I meet someone I like? (Down the road, people...not right now or anytime soon). THANKS!! She's setting the stage for being able to control you. If she doesn't like your behavior (i.e., dating others), she can kick you out. It's none of her business who you date. What would she consider "rubbing it in her face"? To her it would be nice and ambiguous so that you are constantly on edge. You're already on edge, as if you need to ask her permission to date. I know you want to take this opportunity because it sounds too good to be true, but the truth is - it is too good to be true because there are strings attached. I'd take the offer since you're nowhere near ready to date. But find a way to get your own space so that you are not controlled by anyone else! It may mean being inconvenienced, but it's better than being controlled. 2
SuperGeek Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 (edited) Make sure the lease you signed is a real one and fully legal. Make sure it provides a legal state of residence and that you are a tenant. All of it must be documented so that during your divorce it can't be used against you. Make damn sure the lease is written just like it would be for any tenant to live in that house and no special provisions (other than reduced rent) are put in the contract. No word of mouth or handshake rental deals. Get it all in writing from her and even get it notorized and mail a copy to yourself. Never pay the rent in cash and always get a receipt. Auto bill pay via 2nd party check is a great a way to do this because it's fully documented. Your MIL seems like a nice person, but I've never had a single FIL or relative be nice to me even as I'm smiling watching my ex unloading her stuff out the door and essentially dumping me to the curb. No ex or their family has ever lifted a finger to help me in any sort of way after dumping me to the curb, so I guess I just kind of see this generosity a bit strange is all ( or like they might have some kind of alternate motives by renting to you ). Maybe that's just how men get treated in breakups/divorces now -- we get screwed everytime now ( don't read much into this, I'm just bitter ). Setting boundaries is a must and i'd make sure that the rental agreement states that you must be notified prior for them to enter the house (emergency circumstances excluded). This is especially important once the D is over and you are free to date other people. In all consideration, after the lease ends, I'd get another place and not have any financial ties to the MIL at all. I come from a screwed up family and these types of situations never work for me as there is always some kind of implied owed gratitude for cheap rent, being given something, etc. I'm hoping it's better for you. The fact that she's already nagging about what you do with your personal life is already a red flag. You're a tenant and it's none of her business what you do in your personal time. The fact that she's your MIL doesn't matter, this is a financial transaction -- you're paying money to live in her 2nd house. This next bit is going to sound completely paranoid, but I assure you I've seen some very strange and illegal crap in my life. When you move in, check for video cameras, audio recorders, and maybe even get the house inspected. It's hard to find these types of devices but just do a quick check. Also, DO NOT use the same internet line as they have even if they offer it. Get your own internet so what you browse and view online isn't tracked (or make sure everything you view online is encrypted completely). This especially important if you start frequenting dating sites, later on. I understand you're in a financial bind and need all the resources you can get. I'm just saying this stuff so you can look out for it. It's all probably fine. I'm just very careful because i've had some really nasty covert stuff pulled on me and it's caused me to really watch for it these days. SuperGeek Edited January 14, 2013 by SuperGeek 1
Leaf9 Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 I understand your concern. However, I would take the cheap rent and start saving money to move out in the future. As you said, you don't plan to date anytime soon, so just agree to the terms and hopefully by the time you are ready to date, you will be ready to move somewhere else. Maybe by then you will be done with college and can afford a different place. I do think it would be hard for an in-law to see you dating. It sounds like she is doing you a favor and needs something in return so she can feel comfortable with it. I'm probably in the minority, but I don't think it's that unreasonable. I do agree that you need to make sure the lease is month to month in case this doesn't work. Good luck! 2
Author Love_me_not Posted January 20, 2013 Author Posted January 20, 2013 Thanks for your input everyone So far, everything is going well. We're starting to clean, paint, and fix the house up this week. By "we", I mean me and my soon-to-be ex MIL. She's helping with the process. As for dating, no, I'm not planning on having anyone over there anytime soon who isn't female haha. My focus right now is just on getting it fixed up and getting all of mine and my daughter's stuff moved in Dating down the road? I dunno. I think that I'll have to have a talk with her once I'm in there that puts us on the same level of, "I am your tenant; you are my landlord". As long as I keep the place clean, am a good tenant, pay the rent on time, and don't cause her any trouble, then really there is no reason I shouldn't be able to live my own life as a free adult. I do believe she will become more comfortable with everything as time goes on; that's just human. After all, she is a wonderful person. I think she's just having a hard time with this whole thing because divorce is kinda personal for her. Wish me luck! And thanks for all the support!
dreamingoftigers Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 Actually she kinda said straight-up that she didn't want to be exposed to the dating at all. That isn't something she should have to get "used to." That was the condition of the cheap rent etc. 1
Oberfeldwebel Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 I agree with dreamingoftigers, she is giving you a break and I don't think her requests are out of line for now. You need to finish old relationship before you start a new one. Additionally, you need to concentrate efforts on education and children. I doubt she expects you to be a nun, but there are other places that future rendezvous can take place than in her back yard. Give her and yourself sometime. If you find someone in the future, then just have a big girl talk with her, she sounds like a reasonable women. If it is still to much for her, then thank her for her help and go find another place.
ataloss8270 Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 Yes she is doing you a favor, and yes she is very understanding the reasons to divorce her son. But did you ever wonder if she is trying to keep you close to the family for the possibility that you and your STBXH may reconcile. That's the impression I am getting. She may feel by keeping you close, talking to you about how he is improving himself, being around him from time to time because he will be visiting her (and I'm sure he will stop by to see your DD when he's there, I know I would if my STBXW didn't mind), and keeping you from bring home dates may give her son a chance to win your heart back in the future. I can't say that's what she's doing. But I could see someone doing that. Its almost like she's giving you time to allow your heart to heal before you decide how you want to move forward.
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