SerCay Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 Dear LS readers, I have a general question.. When do you think the partner with a house has the right to ask for utility costs? For example, if someone spends and stays over at your place for like 4, 5 days a week for 2 years already, would it be normal for them to start taking a bit responsibility? Or in my case, would it be normal for me to start asking for it? BF and I are in a misunderstanding about this, he feels that until we're officially living together, my house is my responsibility..I feel otherwise! Thanks so much!
Balzac Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 Interesting topic. It'd be helpful to know if he funds date night? Weekends away, other costs associated with dating. I'll comment more after the updated info, thanks.
carhill Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 I'd suggest taking a look at this issue within the totality of the relationship. Where does he live when not staying at your place? What kind of 'sharing' are we talking here? I ask because, having lived in the same place for 13 years alone before getting married, my wife living in my historical home barely blipped the bills associated with owning that home, including the utilities. Those aspects were essentially a non-issue. Costs of home improvement, OTOH, were significant and she did share in those. IMO, it comes down to communication and fairness. If you don't think it's fair, regardless of what 'living together' means to him, that's valid. Communicate it. Respect his perspective. If no middle ground can be reached, he can 'live' somewhere else.
Author SerCay Posted January 13, 2013 Author Posted January 13, 2013 (edited) Interesting topic. It'd be helpful to know if he funds date night? Weekends away, other costs associated with dating. I'll comment more after the updated info, thanks. Dear Balzac, Thanks for your reaction. Yes he is paying for groceries when we eat together and nights out, he has been doing this for the last 1 year. Before that it was all 50/50... I made a problem out of this because I was left with no money at all when I also had to pick him up and drive him home when he had no car for about 6 months..(I had to put gas all the time). Then he started paying for those. Weekends away, no he hasnt payed for any of those, and there haven't been any either. We went for 1 holiday together and we payed 50/50..Please also see what I write below.. I'd suggest taking a look at this issue within the totality of the relationship. Where does he live when not staying at your place? What kind of 'sharing' are we talking here? I ask because, having lived in the same place for 13 years alone before getting married, my wife living in my historical home barely blipped the bills associated with owning that home, including the utilities. Those aspects were essentially a non-issue. Costs of home improvement, OTOH, were significant and she did share in those. IMO, it comes down to communication and fairness. If you don't think it's fair, regardless of what 'living together' means to him, that's valid. Communicate it. Respect his perspective. If no middle ground can be reached, he can 'live' somewhere else. Dear Carhill, At first I asked him if he could help me out from time to time when I can't pay a bill. So not even every month! He rejected this, saying my house is my responsibility. Then I got upset and told him look, I haven't asked you for anything the last 2 years, and now I'm having a hard time till i finish my studies you won't help me? I'm not your free hotel you know...get your clothes washed and shower and go.. I only asked him for 100 euro's a month that i'm in short.. He lives with his parents and has a lot but like a lot of savings. Now I'm not asking him for half of all my mortgage and utilities, I just asked for what I'm in short..My total utilities a month are like 900 euros. Also, I'm a student and when I finish uni, I won't be needing his help anyway, I told him this, but it just feels so unfair that he's making such a problem out of it, while on the other hand he's being and staying at my place all the time, and planning a future with me... Ps. I also told him like, I don't have to go out for dinner 4 times a month, I rather that we don't go, or go once, so you can help me a bit, because focusing on studies, my relationship AND having a job is undoable in this situation as I'm also helping him with his psychiatric issues and have ADD myself. Edited January 13, 2013 by SerCay
Star Gazer Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 I agree 100% with your BF. He should not be contributing to any portion of your living expenses until or unless he has a legal right to share in your living space (i.e., he officially lives there/you move in together). If you're short on cash now, it's not because he's there, as you said, he basically pays for all the food you share. He's not renting a girlfriend. 2
Imajerk17 Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 I agree with StarGazer, and 100% with your boyfriend too. He pays for groceries AND he pays for your nights out. Now you're asking him to help with your house too? Does he get any legal right to that space? Sounds that your boyfriend is paying his fair share in the relationship and maybe even more. Sounds that you would be even more short on cash if it weren't for your relationship in fact. 1
weee111 Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 He shouldn't have to pay for your place if he is also paying for his own place. If he stays there that much, perhaps you should discuss him moving in and getting rid of his other lease (assuming you both don't own a house).
mammasita Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 Hmmmm, maybe you've answered this above but OP, if you were single would you still be short every month?
Author SerCay Posted January 15, 2013 Author Posted January 15, 2013 (edited) Thanks all for your opinions..I have absolutely thought about it... But there's a bit more to it, I have overpaid so much for everything, car, house, and groceries and dinners 50/50 that I felt used..I guess I was holding a grudge from not being able to speak out at that time about the one way spending. On the other hand, I'm helping him with his mental problems, going to his psychiatrists with him, talking for several hours a day with him, etc. It just takes so much energy to deal with his PTSD among other things. Anyway I love doing this for him, as I think of it as an investment for our future, but then when I need help because I spend so muchtime on him and us I can't work, he refuses, even though what happened in the first year..I know it sounds confused but it just feels unfair you know. I decided I will just to let go of it and not ask him for help in any way but also stop helping him with his mental issues so I will have some time to work for myself... Btw he doesnt pay for any utilities at all as he lives with his parents Edited January 15, 2013 by SerCay
Author SerCay Posted January 15, 2013 Author Posted January 15, 2013 Why do you want to be with this guy? Because I really do love him and I think if everything works out we will have a great future..he shares this vision
Almond_Joy Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 OP, this withdrawal from supporting his illness seems passive-aggressive. To me it comes off like a retaliation because you don't feel you have legitimate grounds to ask for help with utilities after getting different opinions. I get you're stressed about your bills, but PTSD is rough too. You withdrawing emotional support could do more damage to the relationship than good. If the money's an issue, maybe you can ask him to pay for gas or other costs you incur when you take him to his appointments or participate in arrangements involving money that serve to support his treatment. Also, maybe before you decide to stop offering support you can ask him to work with you to see where expenses can be cut. 100 a month can be covered by buying cheaper groceries, looking into public transportation for commutes, taking lunch to work or eating out less (when you're bf's not paying) things like that. With some budgeting you may be able to cover all of your expenses without asking him to chip in. Good luck. 2
CptObvious Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 If a man can't even pay your bills then why are you with that loser? A million guys out there make $50 an hour at the office playing minesweeper. Go get one.
Star Gazer Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 OP, this withdrawal from supporting his illness seems passive-aggressive. To me it comes off like a retaliation because you don't feel you have legitimate grounds to ask for help with utilities after getting different opinions. I get you're stressed about your bills, but PTSD is rough too. You withdrawing emotional support could do more damage to the relationship than good. If the money's an issue, maybe you can ask him to pay for gas or other costs you incur when you take him to his appointments or participate in arrangements involving money that serve to support his treatment. Agreed. OP, I really don't understand why you're relating the expenses you seem to incur separate and apart from him (YOUR mortgage, YOUR car, YOUR food) to helping and supporting him through PTSD. You're choosing to punish him emotionally and financially because you're short on cash? It also sounds like you're keeping score.
Author SerCay Posted January 17, 2013 Author Posted January 17, 2013 Yes it's true what you said stargazer, I guess I was unconsciously looking for compensation for things he did to me, as in payback. Not a good thing. But on the other hand, not taking ANY responsibility over the woman you claim is going to be your wife and mom of your children is imho also not a good thing..
Star Gazer Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 Yes it's true what you said stargazer, I guess I was unconsciously looking for compensation for things he did to me, as in payback. Not a good thing. But on the other hand, not taking ANY responsibility over the woman you claim is going to be your wife and mom of your children is imho also not a good thing.. You want payback for his PTSD? Don't you think he's suffering enough? and what do you mean taking responsibility for you? Until he lives with you, or until you're his wife, or until you're the mother of his children, why should he be paying for your living expenses??? I cannot fathom why you are expecting him to behave as though he's married to you when he doesn't even live with you.
Author SerCay Posted January 18, 2013 Author Posted January 18, 2013 (edited) Oh gosh noo not for his ptsd of course, for other things that he did me wrong with in the relationship I meant.. But Stargazer...take it easy! I told you that I noticed it was not a good thing how my mind went.. I'm just asking for your opinion, not to judge me since you can only know something by what i tell you right Obviously, there's a lot more to the situation..but of course you can only know what I write here Anyway,thanks for the advices everybody Edited January 18, 2013 by SerCay
Author SerCay Posted January 18, 2013 Author Posted January 18, 2013 Rent a room to a lodger. Well.. tbh, if it weren't for the fact that this is the only place where him and I can hang out together indoors, I would've moved back in with my mum... I just wish that in the 2 year that we're together he would've got his own place as well instead of hanging out here continuously, only to tell me he hates my place when I ask him to move in... I guess I have to think about all of this thoroughly
jlindemann Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 This is a great thread, because I spend a lot of time at my BF's house. I live in an apartment, and we like the privacy his house gives us. Plus he's a little OCD and a control freak, so he prefers we stay at his house anyway. I sleep there 3-4 times a week, we cook meals together there, and I shower and stuff a lot there. We're about 6 months into our relationship. I don't know if I should be "chipping in" with the expenses?? For the time being, I like to help by cleaning the house or doing his laundry when I'm there and he isn't. I feel like it's my way to contribute. I also bring over some groceries, or cook at my house and bring it to him as a way to help the food expenses. Is this enough, or should I be doing more to contribute to the expenses of his house, considering i'm saving from not using it all at my own house.
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