Reformed Multidater

[AMusing]

I'm in a super introspective mood today, and was interested to hear what y'all had to say about it.

 

Until recently I was a proud, (sometimes voracious) multi-dater. I hurt a lot of guys by doing it, but I always shrugged it off, thinking, "Well, if he wanted me to himself, why didn't he say so?" I wasn't hypocritical about it; it didn't bother me to know a guy I wasn't exclusive with was with another woman. The thing was, most guys I dated WEREN'T seeing anyone else. When they found out I was, their responses ranged from hurt to shock to disgust.

 

For the last 16 months, I have been harassed by an ex who couldn't accept we were over. He stalked me & blackmailed me for over a year, destroying me emotionally. It's almost completely over now, but for about a year my life was a living hell. I went to therapy to learn how to deal with the abuse, and took this time away from dating. The therapy and the break helped me in more ways than I was expecting, and one benefit was how to practice a more thoughtful approach to dating. I realized I was more afraid to commit than I wanted to admit, and that multidating was a tool to keep my distance. That realization, in combination with how my past guys felt about my multidating, made me decide to date one guy at a time from now on.

 

I've been seeing a new guy for about three months. Since accepting a second date with new guy I've been declining other men's offers, but never felt ready to bring up the exclusivity; it just felt too soon. It came up last night, and for the first time in my life I could say I hadn't gone on a date with anyone else since I met new guy. It felt pretty damn good, honestly, and I don't regret that choice. But it turns out new guy had been seeing another girl ("not exclusively") for about a month before we met. He kept seeing both of us for well over a month and a half, until he eventually decided he liked me more. Since then he says he hasn't been seeing anyone but me. We decided to become "exclusive," and he seems really happy, but my respect and interest in him plummeted last night after finding out about the other girl.

 

I've never been on this side of the multi-dating issue. I trust what he's told me, but it feels like my view of him has changed. It colors our experiences together in a different light, and I'm having a hard time getting over it (it's only been ~16 hours since the talk, so it's not like I've been dwelling on it for days). My past self would be shocked this is bothering me at all. I mean, I fully recognize he didn't do anything wrong. So how do I get over it and move on with this guy?

 

Is this a sign I'm still not ready to be in the dating world yet? Or, is this a different side of my commitment-phobic face (i.e. looking for reasons to run from what otherwise is a pretty great guy)?

 

I never would've guessed this would be an issue for me, yet here I am.

[FitChick]

If you two had never discussed being exclusive, you don't have a leg to stand on. I don't see why you wouldn't be flattered to know that you had competition yet he picked you. You won!

[AMusing]

Rationally, I totally agree with you. I'm not angry at him for what he did or feeling "cheated' or any nonsense; I completely realize he's done nothing wrong. But since finding out how long he's been toying between me and this other girl, I went from being really into him to feeling kind of, "meh" towards him. Yesterday I really liked him; I want that feeling back instead of wallowing in this irrational introspection.

[AMusing]

In my opinion multi-dating is a ****ty thing to do and I'm glad you're feeling the sharp side of the knife for once...

 

This reversal of roles isn't lost on me. I fully know I was really crappy to some men in the past. Like I said, I've been doing a lot of thinking and growing this past year, and I am actively changing my behavior.

 

So what do I do about this new dude?

[Charlie Harper]

I used to MEGA multi date (yup having breakfast with someone, lunch with other and the later another one, so I know exactly that insecurity and fear of being hurtplay a BIG role on someone who multi dates.

He choose you, forget or try to forget about it and keep trying, be confident and daring, you may be hurt but believe me, multidating will get you nowhere.... Chin up, be brave and work on your relationship...

[in_absentia]

I'm multi-dating at the moment and my style is to let someone know very early on (within the first couple of dates) that I'm not exclusive with anyone in particular at the moment but I am dating/keeping options open, and I would assume they're doing the same until at point when we might discuss otherwise.

 

The multi-dating on the sly while telling nobody outright is an underhand thing to do. Being open about not being exclusive makes it all okay.

[StanMusial]

Until recently I was a proud, (sometimes voracious) multi-dater.

 

For how long were you a "multi-dater", and for how long have you been "reformed"?

 

I seriously doubt you are going to have a smooth transition.

[AMusing]

For how long were you a "multi-dater", and for how long have you been "reformed"?

 

I seriously doubt you are going to have a smooth transition.

 

Up to about 22 I would multidate until a guy asked for exclusivity, which usually didn't happen for 2-4 months. I always told the truth when asked if I was seeing anyone else, but never volunteered the information. When I agreed to be exclusive, I was.

 

From 22-26 I happened to date a series of men who were all very clear (by date 2-3) that they wouldn't put up with any "competition." So for those years I didn't have the option of dating multiple people at a time; monogamy was explicitly expected of me from the start. If any of the guys hadn't stated their expectations, I probably would've dated other men simultaneously.

 

That brings me up to my last big breakup, ~16 months ago, when my ex started harassing me. Since then, I've been seeking counseling & mostly staying single (by choice, no flings/dating/sex/anything). The only exception to staying single was when I had a short relationship during late spring 2012 (and turned down other dates during that time). After a couple months I realized I still wasn't ready to be in a relationship and ended the relationship. I stayed totally single again until October, when I met this new guy.

 

Once I made the conscious choice to date one man at a time, I haven't struggled with it at all. The hard part was accepting that my actions were hurting myself & others, taking responsibility for that, and choosing to change. I like this "one man at a time" approach, actually, which surprised me. It's peaceful, it makes me feel more grounded, and gives me more time to focus on my career and friends. Plus, I don't have to keep straight one man's stories from another, and that was always hard for me.