misscubanita Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 Hi, so my six month relationship has recently come to an end. It's only my second relationship and my longest one so far, and I'm still young, so I guess I'm not really used to dealing with this. Basically, he broke up with me after I looked at his facebook through my friend's fb (I don't have facebook) because he'd been acting distant and avoiding me a lot. I found pictures of him with other girls and posts with him making plans with girls. He also deleted all of our pictures. I confronted him about it and he denied anything was wrong, but he eventually admitted he "lost the feeling" because there'd been so much distance lately and wasn't ready for anything long term. Anyway, I just can't stop dwelling on things I've done that might have pushed him to do this. I know it probably wasn't all my fault, but I keep thinking back to the few times when I got frustrated with him, or snapped at him for something silly because I was stressed out about something else. In particular, a few weeks before we broke up there was this one week where I was super stressed out and anxious about my grades and feeling extra insecure, and I snapped at him about three times in that week over silly things when he didn't deserve it. Even though I did apologize at the end of the week and in addition I apologized that there had been so much distance lately, I wonder if it was already too late. I just keep on thinking, "What if I hadn't said that," or "What if I did something different," or "What if I had been in a better mood." I just wonder if he still would have ended things. I keep trying to figure out what went wrong and when and why he stopped being happy with me. I tried so hard, I know I wasn't perfect and have a tendency to get stressed out, but I really tried with him. I know it's agonizing and pointless but I just keep overanalyzing every situation where I went wrong and I think, I wonder if that's what finally did it for him. Anyway, just wanted to hear how you guys tend to handle with overcoming regrets and the like. I'd really appreciate the advice.
andytenshi Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 Some of that reflecting on the past is inevitable and healthy so you can learn from the experience. But you shouldn't dwell for too long or it can hold you back not to mention make you miserable. If you find you're focusing on it too much you need to try and fill your life with other things to distract you as well as starting no contact if you haven't already. 1
todreaminblue Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 Hi, so my six month relationship has recently come to an end. It's only my second relationship and my longest one so far, and I'm still young, so I guess I'm not really used to dealing with this. Basically, he broke up with me after I looked at his facebook through my friend's fb (I don't have facebook) because he'd been acting distant and avoiding me a lot. I found pictures of him with other girls and posts with him making plans with girls. He also deleted all of our pictures. I confronted him about it and he denied anything was wrong, but he eventually admitted he "lost the feeling" because there'd been so much distance lately and wasn't ready for anything long term. Anyway, I just can't stop dwelling on things I've done that might have pushed him to do this. I know it probably wasn't all my fault, but I keep thinking back to the few times when I got frustrated with him, or snapped at him for something silly because I was stressed out about something else. In particular, a few weeks before we broke up there was this one week where I was super stressed out and anxious about my grades and feeling extra insecure, and I snapped at him about three times in that week over silly things when he didn't deserve it. Even though I did apologize at the end of the week and in addition I apologized that there had been so much distance lately, I wonder if it was already too late. I just keep on thinking, "What if I hadn't said that," or "What if I did something different," or "What if I had been in a better mood." I just wonder if he still would have ended things. I keep trying to figure out what went wrong and when and why he stopped being happy with me. I tried so hard, I know I wasn't perfect and have a tendency to get stressed out, but I really tried with him. I know it's agonizing and pointless but I just keep overanalyzing every situation where I went wrong and I think, I wonder if that's what finally did it for him. Anyway, just wanted to hear how you guys tend to handle with overcoming regrets and the like. I'd really appreciate the advice. the more regrets you have in life, the more you realize if you don't let them go you wont find happiness, and that you cant live in the past,that includes people,I do know this, that the people closest to you are the ones that hurt you the most,now you could go through life not getting close to anyone and avoid this or you can take the risk and be enriched because with getting hurt is the other side which is passion, with regrets there is personal growth, you always learn through good and bad,and you let the regrets go and focus on the positive, your positive would be you got rid of a possible cheat, that would hurt a lot more if he had stayed, you had stayed and he had ended up cheating on you.Another positive would be you realized that you snap when you are stressed out so maybe in your next relationship you will be conscious of this and react differently in times of stress... I have many regrets, I let them go, I have to , doesn't do any good to stockpile.....I just try and find a positive,one of them is regrets are normal to feel, abnormal to hang onto, regrets give us humility......make us realize that we too do things that aren't crash hot......but we aren't perfect either and we are not meant to be.......if i have regrets about hurting someone or saying something I shouldnt have...i apologize then i let them go...... those regrets are not meant to be on my head...you got a little snappy, wouldnt have changed what happened with your ex...... I could have saved my last relationship, I chose to put my all into something else that needed my full attention, I also chose to give an ultimatum,that ended it......I have no regrets ...used too..... I prefer to look at it like this...."what if" i didnt do this ultimatum thing, how much worse could it have gotten for me...... What happened was already set in stone, I just bought an end to it and an end to my avoidance..... regrets are normal as I said......i learn from mine and i use it to make decisions in my future, quicker, faster,and i dont hold onto them once i find the positive..or they would turn into grudges.....and that can and will make you twisted and bitter..best wishes....deb
stevie_23 Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 I know about the “what if” syndrome. I also know it is absolutely pointless (to an extent) to relive the past, to imagine what might have been. You can’t go back. All any of us can do is live as best we can in the moment. React how we feel at the time. Behave according to how we feel at the time. And if later, in hindsight, we wish we had known better or done something differently? That’s just too bad, I’m sorry to say. Because we can’t change it now.
MyAngel Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 Oh yes, the what ifs. I have many. What if... What if.... Maybe she would still be here. Maybe not. Maybe it would have just delayed things. It sucks and it hurts and I've lost the love of my life but I also believe that I am right where I am meant to be. If she is not meant to be here, then I accept that. As much as it breaks me, I accept it.
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