stevie_23 Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 I am a dumpee also. If I was the dumper, I wouldn’t feel the need to be on this forum. I would be mourning the end of the relationship still, but not in the same way. I wouldn’t feel the need to dwell on what happened in the past, I would feel more positive about my future, etc. Being dumped is…hard. Dumpers cannot understand how it feels because the time when they would have been devastated to be dumped by their partner has long gone.
NoMoreJerks Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 I am a dumpee also. If I was the dumper, I wouldn’t feel the need to be on this forum. I would be mourning the end of the relationship still, but not in the same way. I wouldn’t feel the need to dwell on what happened in the past, I would feel more positive about my future, etc. Being dumped is…hard. Dumpers cannot understand how it feels because the time when they would have been devastated to be dumped by their partner has long gone. Some actually do understand what it feels like, and are still so bitter about being dumped by their ex (even 2 years on), and so misogynistic, that they want to hurt a woman (any woman) to "get back at" their ex/ as some sort of "revenge" for what their ex did to them. Yeah, in their minds, all women are interchangeable.. Don't ask me how that makes any sense -- it doesn't. These people are irrational. I suspect that this is the primary reason that my ex got into a relationship with me in the first place, and the reason he ultimately dumped me.
CptSaveAho Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 (edited) So , in order to have a successful relationship, they should strive to "kill" women? Oh ok, that makes perfect sense... Yeah, "moving on and ignoring a woman you were dating / having a relationship with" , in order to "kill her", sounds like a great way of cultivating a relationship... Relationship is over... My advice is for Men on an old relationship... don't deflect Eternal Sunshine isnt 100% honest about her behavior in her relationship... its why her ex NCed her and moved on, he did the right thing The women posting on this thread are, for the most part, dumpees, not dumpers. I have yet to see dumpers who pine for their ex'es, even if their exes feign indifference, except in rare cases when the dumper really regretted their decision. And even then, it's not the indifference that really made them "regret" their decision. You are just like my ex, constantly learning the wrong lessons from failed relationships. Dumper/Dumpee doesn't matter... people that play the "dumpee" card portray themselves as "Victims" ... it's like you want to give your ex permission to break up with you... in the end, you will move on, your ex will move on. You both get to the same place if you are healthy. The relationship is over... Men, don't talk to or are friends with their ex's. It's that simple... Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus When Your ex is happily married, is he going to invite you over for christmas dinner? Are you going to do the same for him when you are married? NO! you both moved on, take that step now and stop focusing on your ex and focus on you Common Sense Edited January 14, 2013 by CptSaveAho
NoMoreJerks Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 I can assure you that I was the dumpee through and through, and never played any cards, definitely not the "dumpee card", whatever the hell that means. I fought for this relationship, begged, did everything I could to keep him with me. Looks like you are a manipulative person, and so you read everything and every situation as manipulation on others' part. Sounds like projection to me. My ex was just like you, thought of everything as a game. Even your advice to men involves manipulation and is not indicative that they would be over their exes. Because if you are truly over your ex, who cares whether your indifference 'kills" them or means nothing to them? Also, how is this in any way a gender thing? You claim all that you said is "common sense", but you are not making ANY sense at all. You sound like a very bitter man, and a misogynist, who views every issue from a gendered lens.
CptSaveAho Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 (edited) I fought for this relationship, begged, did everything I could to keep him with me. ... you manipulated him.... begged pleaded etc to try and keep him... I wouldnt want to be in a relationship with someone like this... there's no space/freedom... rule #1 of love... if you love someone let them go Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone that doesnt want to be in a relationship with you? It makes no sense. Why torture yourself? Why not find someone that wants to be in a relationship with you? Common Sense! I'm done with you, you are stirring up drama... good day Edited January 14, 2013 by CptSaveAho
LostOne1 Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 ... you manipulated him.... begged pleaded etc to try and keep him... I wouldnt want to be in a relationship with someone like this... there's no space/freedom... rule #1 of love... if you love someone let them go Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone that doesnt want to be in a relationship with you? It makes no sense. Why torture yourself? Why not find someone that wants to be in a relationship with you? Common Sense! I'm done with you, you are stirring up drama... good day Alright guys lets keep the debate cival here. cpt! I see your point and it does make sense. Why do we beg and plead for someone that doesn't want the same thing. And if we beg and plead we might get them back, but chances are they might leave. They aren't coming back to us on their own terms.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted January 14, 2013 Author Posted January 14, 2013 Relationship is over... My advice is for Men on an old relationship... don't deflect Eternal Sunshine isnt 100% honest about her behavior in her relationship... its why her ex NCed her and moved on, he did the right thing You weren't there and don't know what happened. I didn't post perhaps the most important chunk of it on LS. I went to therapy immediately post break up and my therapist's opinion was that he emotionally abused me and I was having trouble asserting myself and my boundaries, due to low self-esteem. She was so convinced about the emotional abuse that she sent me to a support group for women that have been emotionally abused. I even told her that I did act insecure during the relationship so perhaps that provoked his behavior. She said that that's not possible and it's like a woman saying that she provoked physical abuse. Anyway, ex had a gf before me that he also cut off with strict NC. When I asked him why he never talked to her again, he told me it's because he never loved her. I asked why were you with her then? He said that he wanted to practice having sex and being better in bed. That girl was also crazy about him. Of course he also said it's all completely different with me My biggest mistake was not getting the F out there and then. 4
FailedFirstLove Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 You weren't there and don't know what happened. I didn't post perhaps the most important chunk of it on LS. I went to therapy immediately post break up and my therapist's opinion was that he emotionally abused me and I was having trouble asserting myself and my boundaries, due to low self-esteem. She was so convinced about the emotional abuse that she sent me to a support group for women that have been emotionally abused. I even told her that I did act insecure during the relationship so perhaps that provoked his behavior. She said that that's not possible and it's like a woman saying that she provoked physical abuse. Anyway, ex had a gf before me that he also cut off with strict NC. When I asked him why he never talked to her again, he told me it's because he never loved her. I asked why were you with her then? He said that he wanted to practice having sex and being better in bed. That girl was also crazy about him. Of course he also said it's all completely different with me My biggest mistake was not getting the F out there and then. I think it's a huge step that you can actually step back from the relationship and see the truth behind it all. I think I might need a therapist and support group. I'm not coping very well. Does it really help or for awhile then when you come back its the same?
Woggle Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 If these guys were that awful and it sounds like they were why do the people in this thread care what they do? Why not just be glad to get rid of them. 1
cavalier99 Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 (edited) You weren't there and don't know what happened. I didn't post perhaps the most important chunk of it on LS. I went to therapy immediately post break up and my therapist's opinion was that he emotionally abused me and I was having trouble asserting myself and my boundaries, due to low self-esteem. She was so convinced about the emotional abuse that she sent me to a support group for women that have been emotionally abused. I even told her that I did act insecure during the relationship so perhaps that provoked his behavior. She said that that's not possible and it's like a woman saying that she provoked physical abuse. Anyway, ex had a gf before me that he also cut off with strict NC. When I asked him why he never talked to her again, he told me it's because he never loved her. I asked why were you with her then? He said that he wanted to practice having sex and being better in bed. That girl was also crazy about him. Of course he also said it's all completely different with me My biggest mistake was not getting the F out there and then. Eternal Sunshine, here is the deal. You dumped him. I'm sure you had you reasons including those listed above.. But it is OVER. He didn't even surgically remove you like you seem to state. It seems like you both had a lot of contact post BU. Mainly you initiating and him responding ...albeit coldly. If he was so problematic you should be rejoicing that he is gone and doesn't want even a friendship. Eventually both of you decided that being friends would be too difficult and he did seem civil to you. You even let him read your posts. He seemed early on to get upset at you repeated attempts to contact him post BU so why bother trying to be his friend if his preference was NC. So I'm not sure what you want from him except to make it easier for you to move on. In fact you stated this yourself at one point. You move on easier when you maintain a friendship but at the same time have no desire to be with him romantically. He might not want you romantically either now nor does he want a friendship. So you need to respect that decision. Doesn't mean that he never cared for you. It is his right not to want a friendship with an EX irregardless of who dumped who. Why do you want this if he doesn't. I'm surprise it affects you at all anymore even intellectually. You seem to like being single and he is gone. So why give it a seconds more thought? Weird behavior in my opinion. Let it go. Edited January 14, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Corrected username
FailedFirstLove Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 Mine suggested being friends. I couldn't do it. It would hurttoo much and I wouldn't be able to move on. Imagine when he has another girl. FML. Ill be in a mental institute.
NoMoreJerks Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 ... you manipulated him.... begged pleaded etc to try and keep him... I wouldnt want to be in a relationship with someone like this... there's no space/freedom... rule #1 of love... if you love someone let them go Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone that doesnt want to be in a relationship with you? It makes no sense. Why torture yourself? Why not find someone that wants to be in a relationship with you? Common Sense! I'm done with you, you are stirring up drama... good day How is this relevant to what you initially siad? You were advocating that men should "move on" BECAUSE it "kills" women when they act indifferent. How is THAT not manipulation? If you are truly moving on from someone, you wouldn't even care what htey think, and whether or not that would kill them. As for why I begged and pleades, I did it because I thought he loved me and that he was just being impulsive and sensitive because he had been dumped by his ex 2 years ago, and was scared of being hurt again. When he dumped me a second time, I didn't beg. I just let go of him, and no, I don't care whether or not my indifference 'kills" him. I am bitter, but I kow better than to claim that all men are jerks, and that all men should be treated with disrespect, and manipulated the way that u advocated that women be manipulated. 1
Toddbt12y1 Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 I dearly loved my beloved. I doubt in my crazy mind, as I am crazy these days, I could fashion the words to describe that love anymore. I...well I do love her. I was going to marry the girl. I had to go NC in the end. Not because I suddenly stopped loving her. It was because I loved her and myself too much, to see her self-destruct. To deal with her games and lie after lie. Worse, her cheating. Even worse then her cheating: Seeing her happy with that druggie boy. That fake poser, far from a man. Do I hate her because of NC? No. I utterly love her! There hasn't been a day where I hadn't wished it where different. Unfortunately for my sanity, I endured too long. Unfortunately, she hasn't and probably won't pay the price. But I cannot hate her. I will NC her. Cause I must have pride and love for my own, already torn world. NC is such a selfish positive, amongst a great negative. Meant to heal ourselves. Who could endure seeing them happy with another? 1
Anela Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 I thought that it meant that someone really cared about me, when they contacted me a few weeks after I'd told them where to go, when it seemed as though they were messing with me. It was more that they missed any attention they received from me - I ultimately wasn't that important. On the other hand, I know someone whose ex had dumped them when he admitted that he just wasn't feeling the amount of love that he knew he had in the past, for women that he'd fallen in love with. He really liked her, but she was wanting a relationship with him, and as much as he liked her, and had been exclusive with her for a little while (a couple of months, I think), surprised her on Christmas Eve (when he'd been out of town) - he never did contact her again. She saw that as him having integrity, and he's the one that taught her about being with a good man. She's now close to being engaged to a man who is a perfect fit for her - they're moving in together, and have talked about marriage.
monicaelise Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 I just can't help but think that all his love was BS. Human emotions are not that clean cut and if he ever truly cared, he would have slipped emotionally at least once. Thus it leads me to conclude that there never were any emotions. Am I correct? No, that's probably not correct. I was the dumper and I haven't heard a word since Thanksgiving day and I haven't made any effort at contact since about that time either. I don't think his decision was based on there never having been any emotions any more than mine has been. I cared for the man and I think he cared for me, but there's no point in communicating anymore. It didn't work. I probably would have been okay with a friendship, but why kick a dead horse if the other party is trying to move on?
na49 Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 I dearly loved my beloved. I doubt in my crazy mind, as I am crazy these days, I could fashion the words to describe that love anymore. I...well I do love her. I was going to marry the girl. I had to go NC in the end. Not because I suddenly stopped loving her. It was because I loved her and myself too much, to see her self-destruct. To deal with her games and lie after lie. Worse, her cheating. Even worse then her cheating: Seeing her happy with that druggie boy. That fake poser, far from a man. Do I hate her because of NC? No. I utterly love her! There hasn't been a day where I hadn't wished it where different. Unfortunately for my sanity, I endured too long. Unfortunately, she hasn't and probably won't pay the price. But I cannot hate her. I will NC her. Cause I must have pride and love for my own, already torn world. NC is such a selfish positive, amongst a great negative. Meant to heal ourselves. Who could endure seeing them happy with another? Preach brother. Pretty much nailed it. Even when I try to hate her, I can't get myself to hate her like I would hate others. I hate what she did. I don't necessarily hate her even though I don't wish her the best. (happiness with someone else ) 1
KatZee Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 He never even considered compromising himself. I made so many compromises and changes that I didn't even recognize who I was anymore. Meanwhile, he always demanded more. I neglected my friends and family because all our time was spent with his friends and family. I was drained from his insistence to be joined at the hip. His life didn't change at all, I was just addition to it. Meanwhile, I changed my life from the core. Then he criticized how it's not normal that I am not adjusting quicker to the change. My ex to a T. It's like we all dated the same narcissistic, shallow, self-absorbed, selfish, inconsiderate person! I can't even tell you how much I changed of myself to suit him. Towards the end I was on virtual egg shells every single day. I would watch what I said because if I said something wrong, forget it. I was incapable of telling him how I felt about anything b/c he would just get annoyed, say I was nagging or starting an argument. It was absolutely ridiculous. We went on a vacation a few months prior to breaking up and there were two instances where he just went off on me... the first because he was wasted and openly admitted to almost snorting coke and I was like... "are you serious?" and then he flew off the handle and was like "I KNEW I SHOULDN'T HAVE TOLD YOU, I KNEW YOU WOULD TURN IT INTO A FIGHT." I was like are you kidding me right now, who's the one acting f.ucking stupid? And the next was when we were on the beach and he was like "Do you want to go do something with me?" and I asked, "What?" and he goes "FORGET IT. FORGET IT. WHY CAN'T YOU JUST SAY YES. WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO ASK WHAT IT IS." I sat there like... 0_o. So I basically just stopped talking to him. Nothing I said was right. My feelings didn't count for s.hit. His friends ruining our relationship didn't matter it was always my fault. If I didn't do what he said he'd flip out. He openly forced me to be certain places when I said I was uncomfortable with it, and then he'd blame me for not acting appropriately in those situations. It was like... are you serious. You just go about doing whatever you feel like doing, meanwhile I can't even breathe without you saying I'm wrong for how I'm doing it. Super critical. He also said something about how we should want to be around each other all the time and we should always want to be with each other. I'm like NO! That's NOT reality! There are going to be times I don't like you and vice versa. There are going to be times I DON'T want to see you. And same with you! And he thought because he had those off moments it meant we weren't supposed to be together, all because HIS parents didn't act like that. So ridiculous.
KatZee Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 Anyway, ex had a gf before me that he also cut off with strict NC. When I asked him why he never talked to her again, he told me it's because he never loved her. I asked why were you with her then? He said that he wanted to practice having sex and being better in bed. That girl was also crazy about him. Of course he also said it's all completely different with me My biggest mistake was not getting the F out there and then. My ex openly admitted to treating HIS ex like s.hit just because he could. He said he would get black out drunk just to "tune her out" and that he was able to treat her any way he could because she loved him so much and just put up with it. I think that was MY cue to get the F out of there but stayed just as you did. :rolleyes::rolleyes:
carhill Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 'Never', relevant to 'care', is a pretty strong and sweeping word. Feelings change. The processing of feelings changes. Little in life is constant, outside of death. Some people are more adept at managing change than others are. IMO, from the act of NC itself, it's really difficult to deduce the feelings behind it or subsequent to it. Rather, accept it and respect it as self-evident. No contact is desired, warranted or anticipated. The past is gone and the future is unknown. 2
CptSaveAho Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 No, that's probably not correct. I was the dumper and I haven't heard a word since Thanksgiving day and I haven't made any effort at contact since about that time either. I don't think his decision was based on there never having been any emotions any more than mine has been. I cared for the man and I think he cared for me, but there's no point in communicating anymore. It didn't work. I probably would have been okay with a friendship, but why kick a dead horse if the other party is trying to move on? Contrary to her painting black ... she would take him back in .5 seconds
suladas Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 Preach brother. Pretty much nailed it. Even when I try to hate her, I can't get myself to hate her like I would hate others. I hate what she did. I don't necessarily hate her even though I don't wish her the best. (happiness with someone else ) Well considering she cheated on you wishing her happiness would be weird. I wish my ex happiness though. If you truely care for someone you want them to be happy, even if it's not with you.
LostOne1 Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 Well considering she cheated on you wishing her happiness would be weird. I wish my ex happiness though. If you truely care for someone you want them to be happy, even if it's not with you. Yeah I guess that's something we all forget early on in the BU. That sometimes it's better to let love go than to try to force it to like us or be with us only. It hurts to let it go, but it's the right thing to do I suppose. 1
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