xxoo Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 I just can't help but think that all his love was BS. Human emotions are not that clean cut and if he ever truly cared, he would have slipped emotionally at least once. Thus it leads me to conclude that there never were any emotions. Am I correct? It is mostly true. I initiated trying to be friends and he would get back to me AFTER my initiation. We would agree to have coffee as friends and he would bail the day before.... I am pretty sure my ex hates me..... His family disliked me for unfair reasons (that I don't want to get into right now). They are probably telling him how much better off he is without me. He was never one to think for himself. Bailing on you, and feeling hate (if he does) both point to him having true feelings for you before the break up. If he could easily shift into "friend" mode, I'd be more likely to believe he never felt love, or pain over the break up. But his avoidance of friendship looks like hurt to me.
LostOne1 Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 Bailing on you, and feeling hate (if he does) both point to him having true feelings for you before the break up. If he could easily shift into "friend" mode, I'd be more likely to believe he never felt love, or pain over the break up. But his avoidance of friendship looks like hurt to me. well my ex did the same.. althugh she did ask if I wanted to be friends in the 1stw eek of our BU asking why I would call and want to talk. Because she didn't want to be with me and being friends would not give me the same results.
Ruby Slippers Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 I am pretty sure my ex hates me..... His family disliked me for unfair reasons (that I don't want to get into right now). They are probably telling him how much better off he is without me. He was never one to think for himself. No one's opinion of you will influence his core feelings about you.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted January 14, 2013 Author Posted January 14, 2013 No one's opinion of you will influence his core feelings about you. Our relationship started going steadily down hill when his parents started interfering. I definitely don't think it's all his parents but they played a huge role. One of our re-curing fights was that he shouldn't have his parents make the decisions for him (he also works in a job he is unhappy in because of parents). If he spoke to his mum that day, he would be cold to me, wouldn't touch me etc. When he went few days without speaking to her, he was back to his normal self. They played a part.
Ruby Slippers Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 Our relationship started going steadily down hill when his parents started interfering. I definitely don't think it's all his parents but they played a huge role. One of our re-curing fights was that he shouldn't have his parents make the decisions for him (he also works in a job he is unhappy in because of parents). If he spoke to his mum that day, he would be cold to me, wouldn't touch me etc. When he went few days without speaking to her, he was back to his normal self. They played a part. Yeah, that sucks. All I'm saying is that the residual feelings he has about you deep down won't change due to anything they say. It might be a factor in his not being friendly with you now, but it won't change his feelings.
dchin1985 Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 (edited) Going no contact doesn't mean i don't care at all, it certainly doesn't mean the feeling wasn't real and definitely doesn't mean the relationship didn't mean a thing to me. I went on no contact with a sher determination to move on, build a brand new me and live an amazing life. She made a decision about her, so I should make a decision about me. If you continue to give yourself hope, you will never move on, and believe me you can tortured yourself everyday for 3 years before you realized it. By the way, things ain't always what it appears to be. Edited January 14, 2013 by dchin1985 1
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted January 14, 2013 Author Posted January 14, 2013 BTW I don't want him back nor have I wanted him back at any point. It's just that my mind is boggled that a human is able to turn off such strong emotions in an instant (literally that's how it happened) - leading me to think that they never existed. I stayed in light contact and on good terms with all my other exes.
stevie_23 Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 Our relationship started going steadily down hill when his parents started interfering. I definitely don't think it's all his parents but they played a huge role. One of our re-curing fights was that he shouldn't have his parents make the decisions for him (he also works in a job he is unhappy in because of parents). If he spoke to his mum that day, he would be cold to me, wouldn't touch me etc. When he went few days without speaking to her, he was back to his normal self. They played a part. It's true to say that nobody can really change someone's feelings for you, even if they are his parents, BUT the fact that you think he was ABLE to be influenced by his parents' feelings for you shows me that perhaps his feelings for you weren't as strong as they could be...
dchin1985 Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 It's true to say that nobody can really change someone's feelings for you, even if they are his parents, BUT the fact that you think he was ABLE to be influenced by his parents' feelings for you shows me that perhaps his feelings for you weren't as strong as they could be... It sounds ideal but i think that constant influence by parents can gradually change the feeling of that person to the other. I know this is true and i have seen it.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted January 14, 2013 Author Posted January 14, 2013 It's true to say that nobody can really change someone's feelings for you, even if they are his parents, BUT the fact that you think he was ABLE to be influenced by his parents' feelings for you shows me that perhaps his feelings for you weren't as strong as they could be... Definitely....and that's what's at the core of this and is consistent with NC forever. Why would a person tell you repeadtly that they have never loved anyone that deeply over and over again for the entirety of the relationship (including the morning of break up)...when they never had strong feelings for you... that's what I am bothered with.
KatZee Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 My ex dumped me 8 months ago and I never heard from him again. This was after an almost 3 year relationship in which he told me he never loved anyone the way he did me, that I made him so happy, saw a future with me, I was his best friend, the most important person to him... I have to agree with a lot of this stuff. I think he had an extremely shallow attachment to me. One in which allows him to just discard people like they're nothing. I agree with the devaluing statement that was made. I no longer served a purpose. I agree with the "perfect relationship" post that was made. My ex told me time and time again that he had insane expectations and even if we had minor arguments he'd act like it was the end of the world and would say we weren't meant to be together because we had an argument. Meanwhile our arguments happened like once every few months. Very rarely. I truly believe he's a narcissist, I believe he has problems becoming emotional with people, he keeps things extremely shallow and puts on a nice little show. He's emotionally unavailable, and this has become his MO. He treated his ex this way, he treated me this way and he will treat his next girlfriend this way. After almost 3 years together, he had told me to "lose his number" and to "have a nice life." He said some of the most cliche s.hit I've ever seen. Why he said those things to me, I have no idea. He dumped me and I went complete NC except for one phone call HE initiated 5 weeks later, which was civil. Then he did a complete 180 and acted like I was some psycho. Turns out he met someone else and wanted me completely out of the picture. For him to be capable of such cruelty after almost three years together... nothing shouts "phony love" more than what he did to me. I doubt I'll ever hear from him again. He just never gave a crap to begin with. 3
stevie_23 Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 This is similar to my own situation with my ex, though also very different. We were online / text only, long distance, both in existing relationships. Up until a few days before he left me suddenly with NC, he told me (as he had told me for the almost 2 years we were together) how much he loved me, that he needed me more than ever, that he couldn’t be without me and that we’d be together forever. Then he just…left. But there were many pressures on him throughout our time together, and his wife found out for the 4th time about our relationship and clearly it all got too much. But he still loved / loves me…even though he went NC. He said we couldn’t be together the way we should. So…things can change suddenly, but the underlying feelings don’t. Those feelings may just no longer be enough to maintain the relationship.
NoMoreJerks Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 (edited) My ex dumped me 8 months ago and I never heard from him again. This was after an almost 3 year relationship in which he told me he never loved anyone the way he did me, that I made him so happy, saw a future with me, I was his best friend, the most important person to him... I have to agree with a lot of this stuff. I think he had an extremely shallow attachment to me. One in which allows him to just discard people like they're nothing. I agree with the devaluing statement that was made. I no longer served a purpose. I agree with the "perfect relationship" post that was made. My ex told me time and time again that he had insane expectations and even if we had minor arguments he'd act like it was the end of the world and would say we weren't meant to be together because we had an argument. Meanwhile our arguments happened like once every few months. Very rarely. I truly believe he's a narcissist, I believe he has problems becoming emotional with people, he keeps things extremely shallow and puts on a nice little show. He's emotionally unavailable, and this has become his MO. He treated his ex this way, he treated me this way and he will treat his next girlfriend this way. After almost 3 years together, he had told me to "lose his number" and to "have a nice life." He said some of the most cliche s.hit I've ever seen. Why he said those things to me, I have no idea. He dumped me and I went complete NC except for one phone call HE initiated 5 weeks later, which was civil. Then he did a complete 180 and acted like I was some psycho. Turns out he met someone else and wanted me completely out of the picture. For him to be capable of such cruelty after almost three years together... nothing shouts "phony love" more than what he did to me. I doubt I'll ever hear from him again. He just never gave a crap to begin with. Ouch... so similar to my ex... well except mine never put on that big a show about how he felt about me... he pretended to like me, told me he wanted to treat me like a princess (he said this after we got back together after his first break-up with me), and a month before the 2nd break-up, he called me every day of the month, which was so uncharacteristic of him... I thought he had fallen in love with me (he had never said "I love you", though I had told him that ). We had been together 6 months. He had promised to come visit me over Christmas, etc., and then, bam! He just discarded me... Claimed I was too much hassle/stress for him, he couldn't stay in a relationship while traveling for work, etc. Funny, I was good enough to be with when he was traveling to my city for a job, but now that he wouldn't come here so often, he just discarded me... he had zero feelings for me. All that time, all those memories, they meant nothing. He repeated the same line that he had used in our first break-up. "We had good times and memories together, take care of yourself." WTF? He also kept threatening break-up every few weeks.. He had this standard email template saved in his draft folders , which he used to send me every time he felt that I had slighted him in some way..... "Looks like we're finished. We had good times together. Take care of yourself." When he broke up with me this time around, he accused me of being selfish..... and needy.. meanwhile, any time that *I* called him because I felt like talking, he'd get angry cos he didn't like talking on the phone , was busy, or just didn't feel like talking to me... but when he felt lonely and down, he'd call me and talk to me or an hour, even when I told him I was out with my friends... that wasn't selfish or needy at all.... He was the center of the universe and couldn't bear not being that, for even one second.. He kept accusing me of having no spine, because any time that he asked me where I wanted to eat, I'd tell him I was flexible and open to suggestions.. I did that because any time I *did* suggest a place, he'd shoot it down. It turns out that he wanted me to make suggestions JUST SO THAT he could shoot them down and feel in control and feel better about himself... Yup. Mine was narcissistic with a sprinkling of borderline personality disorder here and there.. I think this time around, he has finally devalued me for good. He hasn't contacted me for 3 weeks now (since the day he broke up with me). GOOD! Edited January 14, 2013 by NoMoreJerks 1
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted January 14, 2013 Author Posted January 14, 2013 My ex dumped me 8 months ago and I never heard from him again. This was after an almost 3 year relationship in which he told me he never loved anyone the way he did me, that I made him so happy, saw a future with me, I was his best friend, the most important person to him... Ditto. He told me those things word for word. I also only once had a coffee with a female friend without him present because he wanted to be joined at the hip. He would tell me stuff like "I can't breathe without you". I have to agree with a lot of this stuff. I think he had an extremely shallow attachment to me. One in which allows him to just discard people like they're nothing. Absolutely. That's what I believe went on in my case. I agree with the devaluing statement that was made. I no longer served a purpose. I agree with the "perfect relationship" post that was made. My ex told me time and time again that he had insane expectations and even if we had minor arguments he'd act like it was the end of the world and would say we weren't meant to be together because we had an argument. He also acted like any argument is the end of the world. He would never let it go and when I tried to lighten the mood after we have argued enough. He would accuse me of not taking the argument seriously and how abnormal arguing is because his parents never argued. He also wanted "the perfect relationship" where we woke up and fell asleep at the same time naturally. If that didn't happen he would say that we are not compatible. He would also ask me to make sure I fell asleep and woke up at the same time as him, even if that is not natural to me. He never even considered compromising himself. I made so many compromises and changes that I didn't even recognize who I was anymore. Meanwhile, he always demanded more. I neglected my friends and family because all our time was spent with his friends and family. I was drained from his insistence to be joined at the hip. His life didn't change at all, I was just addition to it. I moved into his place, he did the same things he did when he was single only bringing me along. Meanwhile, I changed my life from the core. Then he criticized how it's not normal that I am not adjusting quicker to the change. I won't even go into his criticisms of my looks, which were also constant. He wanted me to before certain weight, wear my hair certain color and dress a certain way. When I refused, he accused me of not putting an effort into the relationship. I could write an essay, I just wish I had enough confidence to walk away earlier 1
NoMoreJerks Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 I made so many compromises and changes that I didn't even recognize who I was anymore. Meanwhile, he always demanded more. This. I was like this. My friends were trying to shake me and get me to wake up from the trance, told me they could no longer recognize me because I had become a totally different person, behaved differently, thought differently, talked differently, everything. Scary , now that I think about it. And yeah, you guessed it, it was STILL not good enough for him. He wanted more, more more! I always walked on eggshells around him. Seriously, your ex might be a narcissist. This was my first question to you, when you posted this thread. 1
Stoic44 Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 BTW I don't want him back nor have I wanted him back at any point. It's just that my mind is boggled that a human is able to turn off such strong emotions in an instant (literally that's how it happened) - leading me to think that they never existed. I stayed in light contact and on good terms with all my other exes. A lot of types of romantic love have an expiration date. Some stay on the shelf for a few weeks; some a few years; some can last a lifetime. 1
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted January 14, 2013 Author Posted January 14, 2013 A lot of types of romantic love have an expiration date. Some stay on the shelf for a few weeks; some a few years; some can last a lifetime. I know, I am just not made like that. Even if I invest a little bit emotion into something, I can't switch it off overnight. I can't discard people I was so close to like they never existed. I don't get attached easily but when I do, it runs deep. I am like this with friends too.
CptSaveAho Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 (edited) Dear Men Read this thread and see how "indifference" KILLS women. They want to break up with you and friendzone you to make THEM feel better while you suffer and have to constantly deal with your feelings all the time while staying in contact with them When you NC them, move on without them in your lives, it DRIVES them insane Signed... CaptainSaveAHoe No Contact and Prosper Edited January 14, 2013 by CptSaveAho 1
suladas Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 Dear Men Read this thread and see how "indifference" KILLS women. They want to break up with you and friendzone you to make THEM feel better while you suffer and have to constantly deal with your feelings all the time while staying in contact with them When you NC them, move on without them in your lives, it DRIVES them insane Signed... CaptainSaveAHoe No Contact and Prosper Some people choose to treat everyone with respect, even if it's not always returned in hopes that they will be treated with the same respect in turn. You don't agree with it, but it doesn't make it wrong. Your view of relationships are really odd.
CptSaveAho Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 (edited) Some people choose to treat everyone with respect, even if it's not always returned in hopes that they will be treated with the same respect in turn. You don't agree with it, but it doesn't make it wrong. Your view of relationships are really odd. It is wrong... Have you even considered that my perspective/view on the end of relationship is correct? Try it out. You are still pining 6 months later after a 3 month relationship (this is not healthy)... Here are some friendly pointers Affirmations (basic) 1)I dont seek approval and validation from anyone but myself 2)I do not need respect from someone I am not in a relationship with... 3)I don't care if someone I was once in a relationship treated me nicely or poorly, that relationship ran its course and its over... I am responsible for how I am treated and how I allow myself to be treated now Edited January 14, 2013 by CptSaveAho 1
MyAngel Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 Wow, NoMoreJerks - a break up email that he'd reuse? -_____- that is just... A joke. You are so better off without him!! 1
NoMoreJerks Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 Dear Men Read this thread and see how "indifference" KILLS women. They want to break up with you and friendzone you to make THEM feel better while you suffer and have to constantly deal with your feelings all the time while staying in contact with them When you NC them, move on without them in your lives, it DRIVES them insane Signed... CaptainSaveAHoe No Contact and Prosper So , in order to have a successful relationship, they should strive to "kill" women? Oh ok, that makes perfect sense... Yeah, "moving on and ignoring a woman you were dating / having a relationship with" , in order to "kill her", sounds like a great way of cultivating a relationship... 1
NoMoreJerks Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 Wow, NoMoreJerks - a break up email that he'd reuse? -_____- that is just... A joke. You are so better off without him!! Yup. He was a jerk... hence my username , lol. He sent me about 5 of these... Same email -- I've kept them all. lol. Fascinating, isn't it? 1
suladas Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 It is wrong... Have you even considered that my perspective/view on the end of relationship is correct? Try it out. You are still pining 6 months later after a 3 month relationship (this is not healthy)... Here are some friendly pointers Affirmations (basic) 1)I dont seek approval and validation from anyone but myself 2)I do not need respect from someone I am not in a relationship with... 3)I don't care if someone I was once in a relationship treated me nicely or poorly, that relationship ran its course and its over... I am responsible for how I am treated and how I allow myself to be treated now I didn't know I was still pinning for her, that stopped quite a while ago actually. How is it not healthy to take a while to get over someone? Some of us have emotions and can't just instantly get over someone, it takes time especially when you still see that person all the time. I do agree with your points here. I will do what's best for me, and think of me first but I also won't do anything just to hurt someone else like you have suggested in another post. 1
NoMoreJerks Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 Dear Men Read this thread and see how "indifference" KILLS women. They want to break up with you and friendzone you to make THEM feel better while you suffer and have to constantly deal with your feelings all the time while staying in contact with them When you NC them, move on without them in your lives, it DRIVES them insane Signed... CaptainSaveAHoe No Contact and Prosper The women posting on this thread are, for the most part, dumpees, not dumpers. I have yet to see dumpers who pine for their ex'es, even if their exes feign indifference, except in rare cases when the dumper really regretted their decision. And even then, it's not the indifference that really made them "regret" their decision. You are just like my ex, constantly learning the wrong lessons from failed relationships. 1
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