Woggle Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 You said you hate being with this anyway so why do you care what he does? Let him live and you live yourself.
LostOne1 Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 There are a few possibilities and this is in reference to NC forever, not temporary NC to heal. Either their feelings didn't run very deep or switched drastically, or they have an extremely rigid temperament, or they got involved with somebody else. Of the two exes who didn't contact me again, one seemed to have a shallow attachment to me -- I felt that even when we were together -- and the other demonized me after we broke up. NC is good for the healing process after a breakup, but NC forever is a bit unnatural if you were intimately close to the person at one time. Unless they really hurt you or they have a toxic personality, it's a bit rigid and odd to act like they're dead to you and never have the impulse to see how they're doing. From my experience.. I never went back to lookup what an ex was doing from the past. BUT I have had ex's just talk and see how I was doing and I really didn't want to talk to them. It to me felt like a pity thing from an ex. Like how are you doing is life better and all. Almost like they feel bad they left me, though they are happy and all with their life. But it's like they look down at me to be sure I am okay and all. I'm not sure if my current ex is watching my FB or not. She has blocked me, but who knows if she is using another account to see my profile etc.. So far I have seen no major signs to show she wants to hear about what I am up too. Besides me crashing into her last week unexpectedly. But no words exchanged just glances.
Woggle Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 I meant to say that you said you hated being with this guy anyway so it is best if both of you just move on. There are no feelings left. 1
FailedFirstLove Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 From my experience.. I never went back to lookup what an ex was doing from the past. BUT I have had ex's just talk and see how I was doing and I really didn't want to talk to them. It to me felt like a pity thing from an ex. Like how are you doing is life better and all. Almost like they feel bad they left me, though they are happy and all with their life. But it's like they look down at me to be sure I am okay and all. I'm not sure if my current ex is watching my FB or not. She has blocked me, but who knows if she is using another account to see my profile etc.. So far I have seen no major signs to show she wants to hear about what I am up too. Besides me crashing into her last week unexpectedly. But no words exchanged just glances. I so wish I could be at the stage your at now...in going to just try live day by day and not think about how long it's been. Everytime I think that it puts me down because it seems like I'm not getting anywhere. Irony nessacarily want to talk to him. [sometimes I really do] but I just worry that he maybe like me as well but is also too scared. If we are both doing this Nc thing and want to stop it but resisting it. There is NOWAY we could even try.
LostOne1 Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 I meant to say that you said you hated being with this guy anyway so it is best if both of you just move on. There are no feelings left. I don't know.. hate actually is a feeling. And from what I hear.. HATE is not indifference. Indifference is what shows you have moved on. Hate to me is that the person still has feelings for them, that's why they hate them.. They hate them from either the pain that was caused or some form of pain.
LostOne1 Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 I so wish I could be at the stage your at now...in going to just try live day by day and not think about how long it's been. Everytime I think that it puts me down because it seems like I'm not getting anywhere. Irony nessacarily want to talk to him. [sometimes I really do] but I just worry that he maybe like me as well but is also too scared. If we are both doing this Nc thing and want to stop it but resisting it. There is NOWAY we could even try. See I thought the same way. Thats why I made the 1st move and it was BAD. I thought it's been 1 month NC since we had broken up. So I talked to her and she was PISSED. She swore over and over and said how did I have the balls to contact her. She was mad..mad... then over a few weeks I got her to calm down and we talked normally. Some how she was back to herself in some form and using my nickname she gave me. But at the end of the day she STILL wouldn't budge. She might have been nice to me finally and all, but her decision was still firm and that was she doesn't want this anymore, she's not ready for this and she doesn't want me. I don't know what the ready part means? I don't get how someone has to be ready to meet again. Unless maybe she has negative feelings left still and doesn't want to let them out. I have no idea... I just felt confused, because if someone loves you and wants to be with you.. they would work it out and meet and talk. She never did... So after that I said F it.. NC and since then I have not talked to her. I basically gave up, because nothing I say or do will help and bring her back. Either time will help or nothing will. I can't wait to meet more people at school. I need more friends that are girls at school LOL. Not many girls in my classes actually which really sucks.
NoMoreJerks Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 I guess I just feel everytime I date someone... people are SO eager to BU so fast. No one these days wants to sit down and talk it out and let their feelings out. It's just out of no where they surpress the problems and then BU after they can't take it anymore. Because a lot of people these days do not want relationships but go into them because it is a sure way of getting sex (esp. if you're a guy). I would never have ONS, but if a guy got into a relationship with me, he can have sex with me.. but because they're so ambivalent about/uninterested in the relationship in the first place, they just leave at the first sign when things are no longer "light-hearted" and "fun."
Simon Phoenix Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 I go back and forth on this. I haven't heard from my ex in 3.5 months and I assume she doesn't give a s--t, but then again, I have gone 3.5 months without talking to her, so she could easily assume the same thing about me. I guess it's possible that she's thinking about me like I think about her, or I guess it's possib that she doesn't like me at all and is glad to be rid of me. So I just don't try to guess. If she doesn't give a s--t then fine, guess I won't be talking to her anytime soon. If she has feelings but is stubborn, like I am, then eventually she'll contact me or she won't. It's pointless to speculate though.
NoMoreJerks Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 I go back and forth on this. I haven't heard from my ex in 3.5 months and I assume she doesn't give a s--t, but then again, I have gone 3.5 months without talking to her, so she could easily assume the same thing about me. I guess it's possible that she's thinking about me like I think about her, or I guess it's possib that she doesn't like me at all and is glad to be rid of me. So I just don't try to guess. If she doesn't give a s--t then fine, guess I won't be talking to her anytime soon. If she has feelings but is stubborn, like I am, then eventually she'll contact me or she won't. It's pointless to speculate though. Well, but the dynamics are different, no? Because she was the one who dumped you... so it's not for the same reasons that you don't text each other. You don't text her , because you probably don't want to appear desperate / that you are begging, etc. And probably because you know she doesn't want you back, and don't want to annoy/bother her.. What about her? She doesn't have that problem, does she? Not to the same extent / in the same way anyway.... I have to wonder, though, if my ex deleted my number.. do ex'es usually delete the number of their dumpee? mine was a LDR , so I am wondering if LDR dumpers actually do delete their ex'es number because they figure we are probably not gonna see each other much or at all anyway. 1
Simon Phoenix Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 Well, but the dynamics are different, no? Because she was the one who dumped you... so it's not for the same reasons that you don't text each other. You don't text her , because you probably don't want to appear desperate / that you are begging, etc. And probably because you know she doesn't want you back, and don't want to annoy/bother her.. What about her? She doesn't have that problem, does she? Not to the same extent / in the same way anyway.... I have to wonder, though, if my ex deleted my number.. do ex'es usually delete the number of their dumpee? mine was a LDR , so I am wondering if LDR dumpers actually do delete their ex'es number because they figure we are probably not gonna see each other much or at all anyway. Don't know, don't care. That was my point.
LostOne1 Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 Because a lot of people these days do not want relationships but go into them because it is a sure way of getting sex (esp. if you're a guy). I would never have ONS, but if a guy got into a relationship with me, he can have sex with me.. but because they're so ambivalent about/uninterested in the relationship in the first place, they just leave at the first sign when things are no longer "light-hearted" and "fun." Well I was looking at it in the point of view without sex. As a guy I NEVER make sex a top priority. In fact with my ex I NEVER pressured her into it and it was her who brought it up. I guess I meant to say the factors without sex.
LostOne1 Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 Well, but the dynamics are different, no? Because she was the one who dumped you... so it's not for the same reasons that you don't text each other. You don't text her , because you probably don't want to appear desperate / that you are begging, etc. And probably because you know she doesn't want you back, and don't want to annoy/bother her.. What about her? She doesn't have that problem, does she? Not to the same extent / in the same way anyway.... I have to wonder, though, if my ex deleted my number.. do ex'es usually delete the number of their dumpee? mine was a LDR , so I am wondering if LDR dumpers actually do delete their ex'es number because they figure we are probably not gonna see each other much or at all anyway. I know my ex deleted my number. But I bet anything she STILL remembers my number by heart. I know I remember her number. I got a new phone and DID NOT add her to my contacts. And I know she got a new phone too and I bet she has not added me either.
RespectfullyAlone Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 I would wage my ex still has my msgs and even contact in her phone. Fat lot of good it will do though as she is off being romanced and falling head over heals with her new guy. I deleted all her txts, some were heart melting romantic words from her, and her contact #. Push comes to shove I could get it again, but really what's the point. It's useless right now as she doesn't want me in her life. 1
FailedFirstLove Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 Does that mean the dumpers are going to reach indifference before the dumpees? Is it true that they move on faster? feel free and happy if they felt restricted in the relationship? for once I would like him to initiate the contact. I guess he did by asking his friend to. Not to reconcile but just to ask for money back. Can they become that heartless? Without even caring how you would feel
LostOne1 Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 Does that mean the dumpers are going to reach indifference before the dumpees? Is it true that they move on faster? feel free and happy if they felt restricted in the relationship? for once I would like him to initiate the contact. I guess he did by asking his friend to. Not to reconcile but just to ask for money back. Can they become that heartless? Without even caring how you would feel Not sure but from what I hear... dumpees reach indifference first. Because the dumpers show they moved on and over time the dumpees use NC and move on. Then months or years down the road the dumper contacts the dumpees either saying sorry or just checking up on the dumpee. But by then the dumpee has already moved on and either has someone else or could care less.
RespectfullyAlone Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 Does that mean the dumpers are going to reach indifference before the dumpees? Is it true that they move on faster? feel free and happy if they felt restricted in the relationship? for once I would like him to initiate the contact. I guess he did by asking his friend to. Not to reconcile but just to ask for money back. Can they become that heartless? Without even caring how you would feel If they left you for someone else, then yes I believe they would become indifferent. Why would they care anymore about you? They have someone else they want to be happy with. Guilt? Remorse? for acting cowardly and exiting the relationship so quickly, so clinically? Nah I doubt those thoughts ever keep them awake at night, affect their appetite, their outlook on life or their happiness. 1
NoMoreJerks Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 I know my ex deleted my number. But I bet anything she STILL remembers my number by heart. I know I remember her number. I got a new phone and DID NOT add her to my contacts. And I know she got a new phone too and I bet she has not added me either. Was it LDR? Mine had my number after my first break-up, since he texted me and called me a week later.. but I don't know if he hasn't deleted my number this time around, because it sounds more final than the last time... (or maybe back then, the first break-up seemed final too?)
FailedFirstLove Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 Not sure but from what I hear... dumpees reach indifference first. Because the dumpers show they moved on and over time the dumpees use NC and move on. Then months or years down the road the dumper contacts the dumpees either saying sorry or just checking up on the dumpee. But by then the dumpee has already moved on and either has someone else or could care less. Ohh please let that be the case!!!!!!!! PLEASSE it would be the best scenario for me. I want to be able to move on. If I don't ill gain no independence or self control at all. if we end up together soon I will go back to the same old. I have a feeling in a few month he will contact. But not to say sorry. Just to see but he wud have moved on...
RespectfullyAlone Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 I would find it extremely painful if my ex was feeling indifference towards me. In a situation where there is zero hope, that kills things even further. Thus if I'm in pain, or happy, or whatever she's not going to care. That hurts alot, and I'm already about as broken as one can get.
LostOne1 Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 Was it LDR? Mine had my number after my first break-up, since he texted me and called me a week later.. but I don't know if he hasn't deleted my number this time around, because it sounds more final than the last time... (or maybe back then, the first break-up seemed final too?) Nope we live VERY close by like a 5 min drive. But the BU was LDR. In the summer she went on a work trip for 2 months. Thats when she broke up with me about 1 month into the trip. I think our communication suffered and she said she needed me. I did my best to talk and communicate. So she BU and since then nothing has been fixed. I waited 1 month for her to get back.. still nothing. SHe was just super mad at me like I'd never seen her before.
CptSaveAho Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 (edited) You torched your ex Eternal Sunshine Then you tried friendzoning him The whole point of NC is to prevent this type of "abuse" ----------------------------------------------------- Now as something to learn from, why do people seek approval and validation from someone that is no longer in their lives? I've never understood how people can't live without remaining in contact with ex's... Beginning of a breakup... sure... 6 months to years later?... time to look deep in your souls to figure out the answer to this Edited January 14, 2013 by CptSaveAho 1
FailedFirstLove Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 I would find it extremely painful if my ex was feeling indifference towards me. In a situation where there is zero hope, that kills things even further. Thus if I'm in pain, or happy, or whatever she's not going to care. That hurts alot, and I'm already about as broken as one can get. I know. I'm quite sure he feels indifference now and I'm hurt as well. 4 years and all of it gone so easily. That's why I want to be the same. I can't handle the pain of him moving on whilst I'm still stuck here I want ther to be hope. But I dot want to hope to just get hurt
NoMoreJerks Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 Now as something to learn from, why do people seek approval and validation from someone that is no longer in their lives? I've never understood how people can't live without remaining in contact with ex's... Beginning of a breakup... sure... 6 months to a years... time to look deep in your souls to figure out the answer to this Yup , I never understood that either.. The only time I'd want to be in contact with him is if we are in a relationship. Otherwise, no, f*ck that, I am not going to be his friend, I never started talking with him because I wanted to be his "buddy".. he can go find some guy friends if that's what he wants, or go talk to his prostitute friends in Thailand. It's hard to maintain NC , but only rarely for me... even from day 1, I didn't feel tempted to text/call him. I cried for days non-stop, but I didn't contact him. I am still depressed and miss him, but nope, not contacting him. I don't want to contact him because I know what he's gonna say (or not respond at all).. I am not going to lower myself and disrespect myself more than I've already done.. At the end of the day, yes, I love him, gave the relationship everything I could, but if that was not good enough for him, if *I* am not good enough for him, then he can go find himself some whore in Thailand who will satisfy his needs better. *shrug* I'm 3 weeks post-break-up at the moment, and started NC from day 1, and haven't bothered with him at all since then, and won't. F*ck that jerk! 2
stevie_23 Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 Now as something to learn from, why do people seek approval and validation from someone that is no longer in their lives? I've never understood how people can't live without remaining in contact with ex's... Beginning of a breakup... sure... 6 months to years later?... time to look deep in your souls to figure out the answer to this I agree with this. I only have 2 exes. The first is my best friend. We were best friends from age 14 and are still to do this day (age 34). We were together in a relationship for 4 years and it got awkward about 3 months before the end, when she broke up with me. We were VERY awkward for the next 2 weeks but kept up the friendship because we both wanted it, seeing as we’d been friends for so long already. We then sorted a lot of stuff out, things that had been unspoken and avoided, and all was well again. In this specific instance, I believe being friends with an ex (if you still value them as people and nothing has been done that causes irreparable damage to either of you) is fine and optimal. My most recent ex, my online long distance affair of almost 2 years, is NC. I don’t know if he’ll ever speak to me in any way again, but if not, well…ok then. We were deeply in love for the time we had, and I will always cherish it, appreciate it and look back fondly on that time. But I wouldn’t need to keep him in my life in some random or superficial way just for the purpose of saying he’s still in my life, you know?
suladas Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 It's impossible to know or even guess what they are thinking. There is many times i've seen my ex since, and tried to guess what she was thinking by how she acted and the expressions she gave and it didn't help. It was always a nice "I miss you" look I was sure, but her actions say otherwise. It does hurt to not be contacted to see how you are doing, but then again in my case she can tell by seeing me and I have been faking it well, even 2 days after the BU talking to her I acted as if it didn't bother me at all. I was mess at first always wondering, now not much. I just wish she'd communicate. If she thought she could do better, didn't like me whatever just say so and i'd move on. My thoughts are if she still has feelings, is unsure whatever should communicate. Getting told in a BU you can't handle/have time for a relationship right now, and her still being single 6 months later, can't help but still have thoughts.
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