Eternal Sunshine Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 My ex of one year never initiated contact after break up in February 2012. The relationship was very serious - we lived together, spent 24/7 together, our families met and we seriously discussed marriage and kids. When we were together he told me that he loved me deeply all the time, that he never loved anyone like that before. Nobody cheated, there was noone else involved. We have mutual friends and I know he hasn't dated anyone since. Things ended because of personality incompatibility mostly where towards the end we fought every day, were not able to resolve conflicts and were both miserable. I did break up NC few times and he would always respond but be really cold. My messages were along the lines of "how are you doing", never to ask him back or anything. I just can't help but think that all his love was BS. Human emotions are not that clean cut and if he ever truly cared, he would have slipped emotionally at least once. Thus it leads me to conclude that there never were any emotions. Am I correct?
na49 Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 I could see how NC can be seen as "Oh he/she doesn't care about me anymore. They never loved me! They are evil!" Well... not quite. At least in my opinion. Did I never love my ex because I've blocked her number, blocked her on facebook, and haven't responded to her attempts to be friends? Not at all. I did it because NC is all about ME! I can't handle being her friend. I can't handle the idea of her dating/having sex with other guys. So why on earth would I want to torture myself by staying in her life and keeping her in mine? She dumped me. She didn't want me in her life anymore. She'd rather have other guys over me. I wasn't a bad guy so she wanted to be friends. Like I said. I can't do that. Not because I never loved her. because I still love her, BUT she doesn't love me. At least anymore... It hurts. It's a shot to my ego. Can I flip the script on her and say that SHE was the one who never loved me? That she never cared about me? She was the one who left me. She was the one who cheated on me. I took the next exit out of her life for me and tried to take my sanity with me. "Love" goes out the window once you two aren't together anymore. Once one person doesn't want the other anymore. You can throw any "love" away. They don't love us anymore. 5
LostOne1 Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 My ex of one year never initiated contact after break up in February 2012. The relationship was very serious - we lived together, spent 24/7 together, our families met and we seriously discussed marriage and kids. When we were together he told me that he loved me deeply all the time, that he never loved anyone like that before. Nobody cheated, there was noone else involved. We have mutual friends and I know he hasn't dated anyone since. Things ended because of personality incompatibility mostly where towards the end we fought every day, were not able to resolve conflicts and were both miserable. I did break up NC few times and he would always respond but be really cold. My messages were along the lines of "how are you doing", never to ask him back or anything. I just can't help but think that all his love was BS. Human emotions are not that clean cut and if he ever truly cared, he would have slipped emotionally at least once. Thus it leads me to conclude that there never were any emotions. Am I correct? See that's the weird part.. I think my ex showed me MORE love and more emotions. Which is why I was shocked she wanted to BU and MORE shocked she never got back to me. I mean it makes me wonder was her love even true, and I could've sworn it was. She went out of her way for me all the time even when I didn't expect it. So how could she just become so cold to me suddenly and over the last few months not even contact me once. I don't know if it was BS on their part. My guess could be 2 things. 1 - They want to move on and to fight the feelings they know NC is the only way to do it 2- They just have really moved on and lost the feelings totally and therefore do not feel anything for us anymore. Though I still think when 2 people are together for so long.. it makes me wonder how they can't even once talk to each other. I ran into my ex too, but nothing from her end.
suladas Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 My ex has been the same, nothing in 6 months. There is many reasons why they would never contact first and when they did reply coldy, maybe it was because they didn't want to give any hope and knew it was better not to talk? So many reasons. I've driven myself crazy wondering about it. Just because they never slipped up, doesn't mean they weren't really close many times. Maybe i'm wrong but I believe my ex still cares, but refuses to acknowledge it. 1
Star Gazer Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 My ex of one year never initiated contact after break up in February 2012. According to your many threads and posts about him and your efforts to remain friends after the BU, this simply isn't true. It seems you have selective (victim) memory.
LostOne1 Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 My ex has been the same, nothing in 6 months. There is many reasons why they would never contact first and when they did reply coldy, maybe it was because they didn't want to give any hope and knew it was better not to talk? So many reasons. I've driven myself crazy wondering about it. Just because they never slipped up, doesn't mean they weren't really close many times. Maybe i'm wrong but I believe my ex still cares, but refuses to acknowledge it. I feel the same about my ex.. I mean from her past relationship she told me it took her a VERY long time to get over it. Though it hurt her more, because the guy found another girl after they had a mutual BU. But the things she did with me she never did it with any other guy. So I assume for her it must hurt some what to do all these amazing things and then BU. I just believe deep down she is hiding it all, because she wants to show no weakness to me.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted January 13, 2013 Author Posted January 13, 2013 According to your many threads and posts about him and your efforts to remain friends after the BU, this simply isn't true. It seems you have selective (victim) memory. It is mostly true. I initiated trying to be friends and he would get back to me AFTER my initiation. We would agree to have coffee as friends and he would bail the day before....
Ruby Slippers Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 When I broke up with my ex 3 1/2 years ago, I asked him not to contact me, and aside from one stupid text message I sent on Thanksgiving that year, I have had zero contact with him. It's not because I didn't love him and don't care. I did love him, but we had too many differences and problems. I stayed away because I know he's very hard for me to resist and he might win me over again, even though I know he's bad for me. It was simple self protection - nothing like not caring. 3
LostOne1 Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 When I broke up with my ex 3 1/2 years ago, I asked him not to contact me, and aside from one stupid text message I sent on Thanksgiving that year, I have had zero contact with him. It's not because I didn't love him and don't care. I did love him, but we had too many differences and problems. I stayed away because I know he's very hard for me to resist and he might win me over again, even though I know he's bad for me. It was simple self protection - nothing like not caring. I'm wondering if that's how my ex felt. She was obsessed with me all the time, so it was hard for me to see her distancing herself. Maybe this is what is going on with her. She thinks if she keeps away from me it will allow her to move on from me with time. The sad part is now she can't.. because I'm at the same school and she WILL have run ins with me. Can't differences and problems be worked out? I mean that's the thing. I think people DONT realize it doesn't matter who you are with.. there will ALWAYS be some differences and problems. Otherwise the relationship would be to perfect and easy and in real life I don't think I've seen a perfect relationship. Usually the ones that appear perfect are the ones that fall apart. 1
MyAngel Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 It's different for everyone. I haven't contacted her at all but I love her deeply. She hasn't contacted me, and yes I am pretty much thinking that she doesn't care. But as I am not contacting her, she would think I don't care about her. The thing that I hate is that what if she has changed her mind and wants me back but because I haven't contacted, she thinks I hate her? But the whole point of breaking up is to not care about what the other is thinking. You are broken up. You are not theirs and they are not yours. Sad as it may be, it's a fact.
LostOne1 Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 It's different for everyone. I haven't contacted her at all but I love her deeply. She hasn't contacted me, and yes I am pretty much thinking that she doesn't care. But as I am not contacting her, she would think I don't care about her. The thing that I hate is that what if she has changed her mind and wants me back but because I haven't contacted, she thinks I hate her? But the whole point of breaking up is to not care about what the other is thinking. You are broken up. You are not theirs and they are not yours. Sad as it may be, it's a fact. Yeah I wondered that too.. what if she wants to talk, but thinks I hate her now. Or that maybe it shows she is weak by her coming to talk to me. Personally I'm fed up lol talking about it all day has made me tired of talking about her and wondering about her. Feels useless! 1
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted January 13, 2013 Author Posted January 13, 2013 I am pretty sure my ex hates me..... His family disliked me for unfair reasons (that I don't want to get into right now). They are probably telling him how much better off he is without me. He was never one to think for himself.
suladas Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 I am pretty sure my ex hates me..... His family disliked me for unfair reasons (that I don't want to get into right now). They are probably telling him how much better off he is without me. He was never one to think for himself. That sucks but I doubt family has much to do with it. My ex's family loved me, her kids really liked me, didn't change anything. If someone wants to be with someone I don't think people telling them otherwise will do anything.
suladas Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 When I broke up with my ex 3 1/2 years ago, I asked him not to contact me, and aside from one stupid text message I sent on Thanksgiving that year, I have had zero contact with him. It's not because I didn't love him and don't care. I did love him, but we had too many differences and problems. I stayed away because I know he's very hard for me to resist and he might win me over again, even though I know he's bad for me. It was simple self protection - nothing like not caring. Just sucks not to know the difference. In your case you didn't feel like telling him that? That you care for him, but believed you shouldn't be together? I wish I knew if this was the case for my ex, I think it is because she did actually say a few times she didn't think she was good for me. Just sucks not to know.
FailedFirstLove Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 I am pretty sure my ex hates me..... His family disliked me for unfair reasons (that I don't want to get into right now). They are probably telling him how much better off he is without me. He was never one to think for himself. Me too... His family will do everythin to distract him. they will make him think he doesn't need me. and yep. He can't think for himself. Just goes by what others say or how they manipulate him. and now even if he felt any need to contact he wud resist it completely.
cavalier99 Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 When I broke up with my ex 3 1/2 years ago, I asked him not to contact me, and aside from one stupid text message I sent on Thanksgiving that year, I have had zero contact with him. It's not because I didn't love him and don't care. I did love him, but we had too many differences and problems. I stayed away because I know he's very hard for me to resist and he might win me over again, even though I know he's bad for me. It was simple self protection - nothing like not caring. How long did it take to get over him? Did it take new bf?
stevie_23 Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 This is hard for me to grasp too, how my recent ex has just completely cut me off. It’s like…did what we have mean NOTHING to you!? But now I have grown to see, with time, that his NC now does not reflect at all on how he felt before. He simply can’t be with me now and so he…isn’t with me anymore. At all. You know? Some people need to do that to move on, or to be “ok” with their choice or the result of their partner’s choice if they’re the dumpee. Some people also have different views on completed relationships. They don’t see how being friends is possible, they don’t want to be friends, they don’t believe there is any point in maintaining contact on a superficial basis now it’s over. They ideally wanted to be intimate and long term / forever, but since that isn’t an option now, why have any contact? Sort of like that I think. There are a lot of reasons, but they don’t tend to mean anything in terms of what was felt while actually in the relationship. If your ex felt nothing while you were together, you wouldn’t have been together very long, I can assure you. 5
NoMoreJerks Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 I'm wondering if that's how my ex felt. She was obsessed with me all the time, so it was hard for me to see her distancing herself. Maybe this is what is going on with her. She thinks if she keeps away from me it will allow her to move on from me with time. The sad part is now she can't.. because I'm at the same school and she WILL have run ins with me. Can't differences and problems be worked out? I mean that's the thing. I think people DONT realize it doesn't matter who you are with.. there will ALWAYS be some differences and problems. Otherwise the relationship would be to perfect and easy and in real life I don't think I've seen a perfect relationship. Usually the ones that appear perfect are the ones that fall apart. IMO, people who are looking for perfect relationships (where there would be no problems / arguments at all) are not looking for relationships at all. They (subconsciously or intentionally) have those high criteria, because they are just not interested in the baggage that comes with relationships. My ex was like this. And I think this is related to a personality disorder.. 1
NoMoreJerks Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 OP, are you sure your ex was not a narcissist/sociopath? My ex was one. These people lack empathy, even if they might be able to put on a show and appear to have feelings, for a little while.. The only time my ex did break NC was after our first break-up, because it was a mutual break-up (he dumped me at first, and I begged him to take me back, which he did -- then I dumped him, a few hours later).. I think he couldn't live with the idea of not being in control / being the dumpee. He wanted control, so he wanted to get back together with me. He dumped me 3 months later, and this time it wasn't mutual, but I didn't fight it.. I think he was doing it to gain control, and was expecting me to fight for the relationship and beg, etc., but I didn't, so he is sticking to NC now, in order to get me to contact him and beg... I think he's playing a game of "chicken"... hoping that I will cave in first... but I won't... he probably will feel like he has lost control, over time, because I have not done what he expected me to do (contact him), and might contact me because of that. I mean, this guy wanted to be with me, but claimed not to have any feelings for me (during our 2 break-ups)... Maybe he just can't have any feelings for anyone, because he is a narcissist. I have that feeling. He has very few friends to begin with, and he even badmouths them in my presence... Even badmouthed his very own sister , and appeard to deeply resent her... He's also mommy's little boy (at the age of 40 lol).. so yeah... he has issues. You sure your ex is not a narcissist? Read up a bit about it, it gave me a whole new perspective on my "relationship". 1
MyAngel Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 IMO, people who are looking for perfect relationships (where there would be no problems / arguments at all) are not looking for relationships at all. They (subconsciously or intentionally) have those high criteria, because they are just not interested in the baggage that comes with relationships. My ex was like this. And I think this is related to a personality disorder.. My relationship wasnt perfect and there were areas both of us could have improved on BUT I thought we were overall very happy together and could have been happy together for a long time. No relationships are ever perfect but when two people can work on problems together it usually brings them closer.
tuxedo cat Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 (edited) There are a few possibilities and this is in reference to NC forever, not temporary NC to heal. Either their feelings didn't run very deep or switched drastically, or they have an extremely rigid temperament, or they got involved with somebody else. Of the two exes who didn't contact me again, one seemed to have a shallow attachment to me -- I felt that even when we were together -- and the other demonized me after we broke up. NC is good for the healing process after a breakup, but NC forever is a bit unnatural if you were intimately close to the person at one time. Unless they really hurt you or they have a toxic personality, it's a bit rigid and odd to act like they're dead to you and never have the impulse to see how they're doing. Edited January 13, 2013 by tuxedo cat
NoMoreJerks Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 I think usually when an ex never initiates contact their feelings for you either didn't run very deep, switched drastically or they have an extremely rigid temperament. Of the two exes who didn't contact me again, one seemed to have a shallow attachment to me -- I felt that even when we were together -- and the other demonized me after we broke up. Another possibility is they got quickly involved with somebody else. NC is good for the healing process after a breakup, but NC forever is a bit unnatural if you were intimately close to the person at one time. Unless they really hurt you, it's a bit rigid and odd to act like they're dead to you and never have the impulse to see how they're doing. Yeah -- this is a possibility. Some people (especially people who suffer from narcissistic personality disorder and borderline personality disorder) are in the habit of devaluing their partner, and then discarding them. When that happens, they will disappear off the radar for a long time, not want to be in touch with you because you have been devalued in their eyes.. The other possibility is that what you thought was there, wasn't.. i.e. they never truly cared much about you, even though you thought they did... because you desperately wanted to believe they did... sometimes the desire to be loved can make us blind to the fact that we are NOT loved... we often even dismiss disrespectful behaviour on their part, come up with excuses as to why they treated us that way, because we desperately want to believe that they DO love us.. when all the signs tell us OTHERWISE. 1
RespectfullyAlone Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 There are a few possibilities and this is in reference to NC forever, not temporary NC to heal. Either their feelings didn't run very deep or switched drastically, or they have an extremely rigid temperament, or they got involved with somebody else. Of the two exes who didn't contact me again, one seemed to have a shallow attachment to me -- I felt that even when we were together -- and the other demonized me after we broke up. NC is good for the healing process after a breakup, but NC forever is a bit unnatural if you were intimately close to the person at one time. Unless they really hurt you or they have a toxic personality, it's a bit rigid and odd to act like they're dead to you and never have the impulse to see how they're doing. Do you think an ex who leaves, and instantly goes back to their ex or someone they are keen on -- could this interferre long term in how they think about you? They never had any time to grieve or miss you, they just instantly replaced you. I'm sure she knows she hurt me, but I got a few msgs, one phone call and that was it. She was simply too focused on getting with her new guy to care. If she did know for sure she really hurt me, does that mean she would be less likely to break NC, or more? And knowing she's head over heels in her new relationship, I doubt she's even given me a second thought to be honest. Thus if she did care, she doesn't care. 1
NoMoreJerks Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 Additionally they might not want to break NC because: 1) they don't want to give you false hope by contacting you. 2) They know they hurt you, and want to give you the space to grieve.. in this case, they are doing it out of respect and love (not the romantic kind of love, clearly).. 3) They might be scared that you will tear them a new one, if they do contact you. They don't know what to expect.. I would've assumed that my ex would fall in the 3rd category , except that he DID have the courage to contact me after the first break-up, even though I had already torn him a new one.... so I think in my ex's case, it's more of #1 and/or a game of chicken (purely for control reasons)..
LostOne1 Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 My relationship wasnt perfect and there were areas both of us could have improved on BUT I thought we were overall very happy together and could have been happy together for a long time. No relationships are ever perfect but when two people can work on problems together it usually brings them closer. Thats the thing.. I wanted to work the problems out. But my ex would have none of it. I guess she was fed up or gave up or found a replacement. So for her she didn't need. I did say if we got through this hump.. our relationship WOULD be much better. I felt if we could make it through this BU, then our relationship would be at the best level it's been at... but we didn't make it through. Partly my fault and partly hers... I guess I just feel everytime I date someone... people are SO eager to BU so fast. No one these days wants to sit down and talk it out and let their feelings out. It's just out of no where they surpress the problems and then BU after they can't take it anymore. 1
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