cheeks Posted August 21, 2004 Posted August 21, 2004 I haven't posted in a while, so if anyone forgets my first thread was "heartbroken" . For the past 2 months I've been dealing w/ the loss of my boyfriend, because I found out that he and his wife were still "together". He has throughout this time been trying to reconcile. Says they are not together, but she does want him back. He does not want to be in his marriage, he was just scared of losing his kids. I have been a wreck. I have had to deal with the fact that he was lying to me for 2 years . So so many lies were told. I already told him that until he was divorced I couldnt even begin to think about how I could trust him again. I have had a total identity crisis over this. I am usually a very perceptive person, and had no clue. How could I have been so blind. He lived w/ me. Is it possible to forgive something like this? I miss him desperately but also am scared to death that he was capable of doing what did.
tokyo Posted August 21, 2004 Posted August 21, 2004 If he haven´t talked with you during the whole two years, he is very weak and unfair. I don´t know if we should give weak people a second chance, they might mess it up again next time. Fear of losing his kids is not reason enough not to tell you that he was trying to get back with his wife. Did he want to keep you as a mistress, or what? On the other hand everybody makes mistakes. Did he tried to talk with you about it later? What does he want? How does he sees life with you in the future?
kizmet74 Posted August 21, 2004 Posted August 21, 2004 Don't have anything to do with this man until he is divorced.
Serbqueen Posted August 21, 2004 Posted August 21, 2004 I would recommend getting a book called, "Why Men Love Bitches". The name of the book of course denotes a funny and cute theme, but I tell you that this book not only gives you a lot of insight into how men really think during the courting period and a relationship, but it also has an underlying basis of this..."Love yourself. Learn to respect yourself and above all, put yourself first."
smile95 Posted August 21, 2004 Posted August 21, 2004 easier said than done to walk away. I have been in a smiliar situation. He lied to me about court issues, but says he did it becasue I would leave him if i knew how long it would take? I love him and NEVER thought he would lie. I feel fooled. Now, while he goes thru the divorce, he has shut me out. Just wait til it's really over..if not you have a long road ahead. Have they even filed yet?
Author cheeks Posted August 21, 2004 Author Posted August 21, 2004 He said he was seperated for 2 years before we met. They were living in the same house but he had his own room. I believed him, spent time w/ him and his kids. He stayed there for 1 1/2years! Itwas hardfor me but I trusted him. He during that time he spent every other night w/ me and every other weekend. Made sense at the time. But I hated him being there. He finally "moved" out and lived w/me full time for the last 8 months of our relationship. After I found out that he was lying to both of us( he told her he had a second job)it ended. He was sleeping with her too. He said he was trying to kep the peace w/ her because she would keep the kids from him. She did at times do that but I didnt understand why because he was a great father. I was told by him that she knew about me. I know she knew about me. I personally think she was just in denial about it. He spent every night with me! He spent his days w/ me. Except for when he would see his boys for a few hours after work a couple times a week. Thats when she would see him. He said he didnt want to be there, but again was prolonging the inevidable. She wanted him back after all this. He didnt. He says hes been staying with his brother. But I have been told so many lies because of this and just dont trust him. He could be lying. I always saw him as a strong man. But hes not. He is weak. But I do still love him after all this, just am scarred of him hurting me again. How could someone do this? I tried so many times to break up w/ him because Ifelt something was wrong. I just didnt know what. But he kept pulling me back. I miss him terribly. He was my best friend. I did tell him that until his divorce is final I can't begin to work on us, or even know if I can. Things were so wonderful for us most of the time and he wasnt giving 100%. I cant help but imagine what it would be like if I were to give us another chance and he gave 100%this time. I think it would be incredible. I just dont know if I could ever trust agian. Atthis point ( 2months) I am still scarred. I wonder if I could ever could. I love him so much but I just cant understand how someone could lie for 2 years like that. Its very scary.
smile95 Posted August 21, 2004 Posted August 21, 2004 I was lied to too and have a friend in the same place. We deserve so much better..how do we know what they say is right? We do not. Theywill say anyhting to keep us around. They are selfish! How do we know they will not do this to us? Have you talked in the last 2 months?
Author cheeks Posted August 21, 2004 Author Posted August 21, 2004 He says that she filed. I don't believe him. I want to. But I don't. I will not call her , because she would just lie as well. She wants him. She told me on the phone. So why would she file? She had ALOT of empathy for me not knowing about them, but that didnt make sense either. I at the time was in such shock that I couldnt even begin to try to understand what SHE was going thru. She supposedly found out the same day as me.WHy wasn't she freaking out? Why wasn't she in shock? Well I think because she knew. How couldnt she? Denial? I would never be ok with my husband not coming home at night. EVER. Even if he hjad a "second" job, wheres the money?? Wheres the contact number in case of emergency?? He said she never questioned him about that stuff. He was always affectionate w/ me infront of his kids. They called me their daddys girlfriend. Its so complicated. I can't even make sense of it after 2 months.
Author cheeks Posted August 21, 2004 Author Posted August 21, 2004 We have seen each other to talk 4 times and have spokenon the phone. He has cried with me. He says he made the wrong decisions for the wrong reasons. He now knows that she can not keep thekids from him forever. He just has to fight. My fear is though is that he was capable of this , so what else is he capable of? Someone posted here once- When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time- It makes sense, but I love him. Some would say Ive been strong for staying away from him, but I think Im just scarred and weak.
Author cheeks Posted August 21, 2004 Author Posted August 21, 2004 Yeah, I should do that. He wanted to see me last night and I said I just couldnt. He left me a coffee and cd last night by my car. He texted me and said go out to your car, close your eyes and listen to track 11. It was Four Tops greatest long songs. Track 11 is I believe in you and me. I cried for hours.
Guest Posted August 21, 2004 Posted August 21, 2004 If I were in your situation, I would be asking myself these questions? Do I want to spend the rest of my life with someone, assuming he divorces and chooses to be with me, who lied to me for two years about whether he was still married or not? And what else could he lie to me about if he lied about that? I would also be asking myself why didn't I have suspicions that something was not right, and try to get to the bottom of it? Obviously you did, I think you said that. You said he spent every night with you, but also that he spent every other weekend somewhere else, correct me if I'm wrong here about that. Didn't you wonder what he was doing on those weekends? Didn't you ever ask to go with him on occasion? One of my friends dated someone for 6 months who was married without realizing it. I asked her how could she not have known for 6 months, weren't there any signs? She said she preferred him coming to see her at her home and had never been to his place, red flag ! She said that she had called him at his home on one occasion and a woman answered, red flag ! She thought the woman must be a friend visiting him, but she didn't ask who this was. She was not in love with him and they were not having sex. . He eventually tried to have unprotected sex with her. She figured out that he was married finally at this point. She told him she was going to call his wife and tell her since he was putting her life at risk etc. He didn't believe her but she did go through with it, and his wife who he had 3 young children with was not thrilled I'm sure to hear all of this, although they are still together. I guess my point is that she really deceived herself by ignoring what were to me rather obvious red flags and I think that's what many people do in these situations for one reason or another. In her case she wasn't even close to being in love with this person or of having any real expectations from the relationship, in your case, you were/are, so the potential for self deception is perhaps even greater. I think he has proven himself to be very unstable and incapable of honesty, so I would not agree to have any relationship at all in the future with him whether he divorces or not and I would try to move on. Good luck, I know this can't be an easy decison for you to make, I'm sorry you are going through all of this.
Author cheeks Posted August 21, 2004 Author Posted August 21, 2004 Yes I am asking myself those questions. Plus reliving the past 2 years analyzing everything. He was spending every other weekend w/ the kids at his/her house when he did live there for the first year 1/2 of our relationship. He spent every other night w/ me and every other weekend. He told me before we were together they were separated for 2 years and he had his own room( I believed him, I trusted him). Sounds foolish, but at the time I had no reason to think otherwise. We had been friends for awhile even before we became a couple. But he finally moved out and lived w/ me full time for the last 8 months of our relationship. I know I do not want to spend the rest of my life wondering if hes lying to me. I guess I was just wondering if there was a way to overcome that. I am not sure of anything right now except that there is no way that I will or can even think of being friends with him and working towards rebuilding our relationship until he is divorced. It still seems strange because the whole time I thought he was all mine. He filed for divorce and she was dragging her feet (LIE) He told me she sold the house and was waiting for another to be built(LIE). I just after all this am scarred to death of anythinghe says because it could be a lie. But I miss him. I love him. Its torture.
Guest Posted August 22, 2004 Posted August 22, 2004 When he was living with you did he still go to stay at he and his wife's house on a regular basis? I assume he did since she apparently thought he had a second job. That should have been the time when you should have seriously questioned what was going on. I'm just surprised that you never would have gone over to his house and spoken with his wife if they were legally separated and your children were playing together. If things are amicable I guess this could be expected. I would take this time now to try and fall out of love with him, and to figure out why you fell in love with him in the first place. I'm not sure what he was planning to do with all this deception, eventually you would have wondered why the divorce was never going through. What would his explanation have been? What motivated him now to finally file for one, the fact that you found out it was all a lie? It all sounds pretty crazy to me. I hope that you meet someone else during the time of the divorce and this will help you to let go of him.
Author cheeks Posted August 23, 2004 Author Posted August 23, 2004 While he was living w/ me he would visit w/ his kids at their house for a few hours. He never slept there. It had gotten pretty bad towards the end of our relationship with his mood swings and my insecurities so at least once every couple weeks I would wind up kicKing him out for a couple days and he said he was staying at his parents. I now know he was just staying w/ her. I at the time had no reason to doubt him. I trusted him. He was w/ me every day and night. The only time he wasnt was when I choose to ask him to leave. I did go to his house once while he was visiting his kids (I stayed outside ofcourse). She was there. He talked to me outside and then came home w/ me. I never wanted to be the crazy girlfriend checking up on him. I shouldve been. But I did trust him. He said to me he knew he couldnt keep it going forever, and that he just expected to sit down w/ me and explain and hope I would understand. It seems crazy to me too. That is also what is helping me stay away. What kind of person could do this? I just dont understand. I have to stop trying. Its making me crazy. I wish I could just fall out of love w/ him. It would be much easier. Its all so crazy.
Guest Posted August 23, 2004 Posted August 23, 2004 I still don't understand what his wife thought he was doing while he was living with you if he was staying with you every night. Well anyway it sounds like a real mess, I'm very sorry for all the pain this is causing you. If it were me I would write him off and start grieving the end of it, allow myself to let go etc. Maybe you just need more time to do this, and the divorce will give you that time, assuming he is really getting one. I can't believe what some people put themselves and others through reading some of the posts here(some do seem to be written by trolls however they are so ridculous), I'm beginning to wonder if it is really worth getting married at all, with so much infidelity/hurt etc. Maybe people should just live together and forget about marriage. Whatever you decide I hope it works out for you.
Author cheeks Posted August 23, 2004 Author Posted August 23, 2004 Thanks. I have wondered the same thing ,but he said she knew. I know she knew. I was being respectful of there situation with the kids and that is why I wouldnt call there or go there (except the one time) to check up on him. I truly trusted him and you cant have a relationship w/o trust. She said she thought we were just friends. He even said she knew about a girl before me. Maybe she was just in denial. Maybe she was ok w/ him having a girl on the side as long as it was just sex and when she found out it wasnt, she tried to pull the plug. As long as he was taking care of her basic needs, she dealt with it? I dont know. I would never be able to just deal with that. I hold her partially to blame as well because as soon as she had doubts she should have called me or came to me to question our relationship. I would. I wouldve walked away just like i did 2 months ago. She said she started having doubts 2 yrs ago. Well yeah! I wouldve too if my husband was never home and was spending time w/ another woman. I know he did this, he is responsible, but I have alot of anger towards her too. She knew.
Guest Posted August 25, 2004 Posted August 25, 2004 I guess a lot of people will stay in a marriage for financial/emotional reasons even when they are aware that their partner is unfaithful to them. I agree that she seems to have some blame here too, I guess perhaps she didn't know that you thought he was separated? The only way to know for sure would be to speak with her about it.
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