zanesfan Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 I recently started dating this amazing guy about one month ago (He is 31, I'm 29). His actions and words always match up. We talk and text everyday, he spends quality with me, and he is 50/50 with everything. My only concern is he lives with his parents and his income is almost laughable. I have never criticized him on this but I do fear that it may be a problem one day. We've always talked about what we expected from each other. And I refer to him as my bf since it feels like we are in a relationship. However he calmly told me that we hadn't had that discussion yet and it's still early to put a title on things. He stated I haven't met his parents, he hasn't met my son, and he wanted to make sure he could satisfy me in this relationship. He also stated he has plans for me and he wants me to be his gf in time. And I understand. He invited me to his church in 2 weeks (the same church his parents goes too). Im not going to pressure him but I'm curious as to why men expect for everything to be perfect before making a commitment? We do everything a couple does and he has given me zero reason to doubt him. I can't help but to feel some kind of way about this.
veggirl Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 Hmm. I've always became the girlfriend in the 1.5-2.5 month area. I wouldn't refer to a guy as my boyfriend if he hadn't explicitly asked me. I would date a guy probably up to 3 months without the title, after that I'd assume he never wants to take the next step. The title comes with different expectations, I think that's what your guy is getting at. I'd give it a couple more months before getting upset, a month isn't THAT long. That being said, his actions are a bit mixed. I certainly wouldn't feel comfortable meeting his parents if we are "just dating". I think you should decline that invite, that is a very relationship-y move inviting you to do that. I'm not sure he expects things to be "perfect" prior to committment, but maybe he's just not the type to rush into a relationship, only for it to fall apart a couple of months later. I feel that way, I wouldn't be official with a guy unless I really thought it was going to go somewhere.
Ninjainpajamas Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 His actions and words may be matching up (as far as you can tell) but what about his intentions? do you know what he is looking for? Ultimately it seems like things are going ok, I'm not sure why people start doing back-flips after knowing someone for one month thinking they are "amazing", that's all good and well but you still know next to nothing about the guy...the first month is mainly an introduction period, no matter how much time you spend together and talk about things...doesn't mean it can't be informative and give you an idea. You need to also realize that men like relationship like behavior, but doesn't mean they want a relationship. It's like having a cell phone without a long-term commitment or plan...you might figure you're going to have the phone for at least two years anyway, when he might want to have the option of disconnecting the plan at any time without consequence or obligation...because it's harder to get out of a contract then it is just to stop using the service...there's usually a fee and some red tape. I think you're way jumping the guy if you start calling guys BF's after one month, just because you "think" you are in a relationship anyway, that's completely different from the mans perspective...unless he signs on the dotted line, anything that you right up is void. It just seems like you are swooning over this guy a little too much already and the fact that you are pushing this faster than it is going is going to make him start to become uncomfortable...men really dislike women who come off clingy and fast movers, it's like you're just looking for something rather than the right guy...because after a month you should have the sense to gauge the progression of this relationship more balanced like, you should feel like you have some standard or something to earn or it just looks like you serve everything to anyone on a silver platter...even if you stay to yourself "Well...I don't do this with EVERY guy" but men hear that all the time, yet see the same behavior with women...If you look around you don't see women necessarily holding back now do you? He doesn't see you as relationship material yet to his reasoning, he could have commitment issues or just be cautious do to you being so eager...It's a bit too early to tell at this stage in the game...but if he really liked you and felt like you were "the one" would he take the relationship gamble? the chances are that men are going to do what it takes to be with that woman...so you should be a little on alert and slow things down to gauge his interest without your heads just in the clouds, although I don't think you should ride him off yet...It's only been one month and he may just want you to act like an adult or someone more responsible with these "technicalities" as you may see them.
Author zanesfan Posted January 13, 2013 Author Posted January 13, 2013 He does want a relationship and to get married one day. I did apologize to him about putting that out there. I did explain to him that over time we would both need to make a decision on what to do. Its still really early in the game. Plus I would hate to find out in one month or so that he is not what I want and vice versa.
Mrlonelyone Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 He does want a relationship and to get married one day. I did apologize to him about putting that out there. I did explain to him that over time we would both need to make a decision on what to do. Its still really early in the game. Plus I would hate to find out in one month or so that he is not what I want and vice versa. I think he makes some valid points. Like many people these days he takes the titles girlfriend and boyfriend as seriously as people used to take fiancee. It is, for many people, a "sanctified" relationship that the whole community should support and help stay together...instead of ungodly fornication like it was seen as in the old days. (not a judgement just a fact. Lots of things were seen differently back then). SO He wants to meet your son and be sure he can get along with him. he wants you to meet his parents and be sure you can get along with them. Because. These days being GF and BF, then moving in together without ever getting married or engaged is socially almost equivalent to what marriage used to be. Demanding that a man call you his GF and be all committed to you after a month or two is unreasonable. (Unless you got to know them well in a platonic way before dating.) This is especially true given how seriously some people take that title these days. You might as well ask him to marry you since they are functionally the same these days. TL;DR: Given that people treat the title of GF and BF as seriously as getting married or engaged your mans point of view is 100% reasonable. Wise people generally don't promise to live your whole life with someone after a month or two of knowing them.
Balzac Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 "My only concern is he lives with his parents and his income is almost laughable. I have never criticized him on this but I do fear that it may be a problem one day." Can you speak to this comment?
Author zanesfan Posted January 13, 2013 Author Posted January 13, 2013 "My only concern is he lives with his parents and his income is almost laughable. I have never criticized him on this but I do fear that it may be a problem one day." Can you speak to this comment? I'm not sure what your asking. But we have talked about it. He does want to move out and he has been on his own before. Again, I will have to see over time if it gets better.
todreaminblue Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 I recently started dating this amazing guy about one month ago (He is 31, I'm 29). His actions and words always match up. We talk and text everyday, he spends quality with me, and he is 50/50 with everything. My only concern is he lives with his parents and his income is almost laughable. I have never criticized him on this but I do fear that it may be a problem one day. We've always talked about what we expected from each other. And I refer to him as my bf since it feels like we are in a relationship. However he calmly told me that we hadn't had that discussion yet and it's still early to put a title on things. He stated I haven't met his parents, he hasn't met my son, and he wanted to make sure he could satisfy me in this relationship. He also stated he has plans for me and he wants me to be his gf in time. And I understand. He invited me to his church in 2 weeks (the same church his parents goes too). Im not going to pressure him but I'm curious as to why men expect for everything to be perfect before making a commitment? We do everything a couple does and he has given me zero reason to doubt him. I can't help but to feel some kind of way about this. I havent had to pressure guys to give me a title....don't particularly like the idea of being a title.......when i get to know someone i take it one day at a time, I dotn expect anythign i let it happen....and it happens naturally, I am not into force or you better do this by this time or that time...i think it takes some of the pleasure away from getting to know someone better, you let them be who they are and not pressuring them allows you to see how they are...... relationships have a natural progression......well they have for me, maybe because i have always been friends with someone i have had a relationship with....its easy and natural....i like to develop feelings of ease rather than grey haired stress crap what is she going to ask of me...the only thing i want is mutual fun...mutual attraction and enjoyment in the process of knowing someone intimately....i dont mean sex...thats later....deb
HitMeNow Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 I don't get the question. Different people are used to different things. Guys do not want everything to be perfect before committing. Your specific guy does. If it feels like a relationship then what really separates you from one? Is it just the label? Cuz if so you can take it and wipe your ass with it, because it's not worth anything. Go meet his parents if you wanna be serious with him (which I am assuming you do) and stop overthinking. Time can only tell if you're made for each other.
spiderowl Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 I don't understand the guy, I must admit. My first feeling upon reading your message was that the guy seems to be making it clear you are 'on trial' in some way. I don't know how I'd feel about that if I was you. I think I might find it a bit controlling. However, he may be entirely genuine and just feel that there are certain steps to be followed ... who knows?
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