I broke NC

[Hopeful714]

I f'ed up. I broke NC today. I was feeling extremely emotional.

 

Its the 2nd anniversary of his fathers death. I met him shortly after it happened. He had a very hard time with it. I was there throughout all his tears. I was there and had to look through all the family albums with him. I was there when he cut and pasted pictures into frames. I was there when he had angry outbursts and I was there to listen and talk through many of his issues. Although nobody was really ever there for me.

 

My text just said "said a little prayer for you today" I received a text back within the hour that said "thank you ...its been an emotional day already." I soo wanted to text again saying "i miss you" (after I just blasted NA49 a day ago for him wanting to do the same.) But I didn't. He reached out over x-mas. I reached out now. I know it cant go anywhere. But I loved him. I still love him. Even though I was hurt so badly.

 

Maybe in a crazy way I am being manipulative by trying to keep in his thoughts. Or by sending something that basically says I still care....but I can't lie....I do. I'm not desperate, or a sucker, although Im still working on my esteem issues caused from what he did to me. My big heart always gets me in trouble. But hey, its me....I can't help it....and someday I can only hope that by me being a caring loving person that it gets me somewhere.

 

I know I need to just continue on as before with my life. Time to say a little prayer for myself now...so that I can somehow heal completely from all this.

 

Opinions?

[cavalier99]

Weelll. What's done is done. The main issue is this type of communication gets you nowhere except thinking more about things. NC is for distance. A a text brings him into your present and that holds you back.

 

Anyway just move on from it..forget it if you can. Doesn't seem like a huge setback...see how you feel in a few days and report back on how bad it messed you up.

[mutant]

This truly tested your resolve to go NC, you should have come here to seek different opinions. We can't undo the past so its important to concentrate on the present and future. I don't see this as a big setback, however you must now stick to NC and forget sending the "i miss you" message which will get you nowhere.

[na49]

It could have been worse. You didn't show your hand and tell him you missed him. You showed him you aren't completely cold towards him and probably showed you still cared for him. I'd imagine he's having a tough day today, so he probably did appreciate it even though he may not want you back.

 

I know how you feel about your big heart getting you in trouble. I'm always giving up what I have for others. Trying to help others. I never felt comfortable letting my ex pay for dinners, so I always ended up paying. I always blew entire paychecks to get her gifts. What did I get in return? Well she did get me little gifts here and there. But for my birthday I didn't get anything. For her birthday? A really expensive Vera Bradley bag. For our anniversary? (the day before she dumped me) a bunch of crap from Bath and Body Works that I spent an hour in the store trying to pick out. what the perfect gift for her would be. What'd I get? Headphones from the campus bookstore. Oh and a card filled with lies, lies and more lies.

 

Okay sorry for venting in your thread lol. Bleh the thoughts that I don't want are coming back. Maybe I should've gave her little cheap gifts more... I never really got her any small things to surprise her.. Was I a bad boyfriend because of that? She always got me little things here and there... Why do we love people who hurt us? This sucks.

[Hopeful714]

Well if I learned anything from this past relationship it is to watch it with the "giving" until you feel comfortable with what you are "getting" in return. They say though to never "give" with the expectation to receive....so that is where it gets tricky. My gifts weren't monetary anyhow. Some were...but mostly I gave time, an ear, understanding, and what I thought was kindness and love.

 

I guess I got back what little he had to give at the time (which wasn't much) but I know he's messed up in the head about a lot of things. Sooooo...I guess I gave the best gift I could have given....which was to walk away and give him his space and freedom to do as he will, and make his own choices to find his way.....just like we all are.

 

He's still a cheater though. I won't forget. And I haven't forgave.

[Hopeful714]

And not to worry....I promise I won't contact him again. There's no reason to.

[LostOne1]

Well if I learned anything from this past relationship it is to watch it with the "giving" until you feel comfortable with what you are "getting" in return. They say though to never "give" with the expectation to receive....so that is where it gets tricky. My gifts weren't monetary anyhow. Some were...but mostly I gave time, an ear, understanding, and what I thought was kindness and love.

 

I guess I got back what little he had to give at the time (which wasn't much) but I know he's messed up in the head about a lot of things. Sooooo...I guess I gave the best gift I could have given....which was to walk away and give him his space and freedom to do as he will, and make his own choices to find his way.....just like we all are.

 

He's still a cheater though. I won't forget. And I haven't forgave.

Well my ex was crazy. She ALWAYS bought me stuff and I would TELL her to STOP. I didn't have lots of cash being a full time student. But she wouldn't stop ever.

 

She would always say "my man deserves the best stuff in the world" or she would say she has no one else to call her own that I am everything to her and she wants to give me everything.

 

I always felt bad, because I WANTED to do the same for her, but I just wasn't able too. And she punished me for this saying I didn't appreciate her? I don't get that when I DID and I told her to stop spending money on me. I didn't like her spending all this cash on me.

 

Al I ever wanted from her was her love. Her hugs and kisses. I never wanted expensive jewellery, clothes etc... I always told her I JUST wanted her and nothing else. But she would fight with me saying no you HAVE me.. but I want to give you something else too.

 

And it hurts to know she blames me for it all. I mean how am I wrong? It's not like I used her and asked her to keep giving. I told her to stop on many occasions and she never did.. how am I to blame for that?

[TaraMaiden]

And not to worry....I promise I won't contact him again. There's no reason to.

 

....until next year.....?

[Hopeful714]

No. And not fair. People are hurting here and trying to make the most of it.

[MyAngel]

I may have done similar if in the same position. Don't beat yourself up too badly. Like mentioned, you kept it to the point and didn't show your emotions. He knows from this you don't hate him or you wouldn't have contacted. So let it go and stick to nc.

[TaraMaiden]

Darling, you're the one who said you f'ed up....

I can see why you feel that way.

It goes without saying that I am probably the most vociferous top advocate for implementing NC, on this Website, possibly barring Caliguy himself - and I know all too well, through long experience, that by far the largest majority of people who break it, regret it afterwards...

 

Two things tend to lead to this, more than others:

Having a little too much alcohol, ("Damn, I drunk-texted her....."!) or reaching a significant emotional milestone, as happened to you....

 

These are the deepest moments when weakness will be at its strongest.

 

I wasn't having a go.

I was, in a way forewarning you that emotional milestones are schytt for getting past....

 

And as mutant pointed out, sometimes, it's worth posting in here first for support, counsel and feedback, before making a move which could implode on you and make you feel worse....

 

I'm confident that by the time this - or any other significant moment - swings round again, you'll be able to find reserves of strength to not repeat your 'mistake'... and let us know if we can help, if you feel yourself weakening.

 

Take care.

[Hopeful714]

Just know my sister fell off a ladder yesterday. I had to go over there this morning to see if she was ok, fix food and see if she needed to go to the hospital.

 

Thinking of life without her if I ever lost her got me to thinking of my ex and his dad today. And like I said...I was there for much of his pain.

 

So excuse me for my relapse. I'll be ok.

[LostOne1]

Just know my sister fell off a ladder yesterday. I had to go over there this morning to see if she was ok, fix food and see if she needed to go to the hospital.

 

Thinking of life without her if I ever lost her got me to thinking of my ex and his dad today. And like I said...I was there for much of his pain.

 

So excuse me for my relapse. I'll be ok.

I was there for my ex when her grandpa died.. she tried to be there for me when my grandma died and then a month later BU with me.

 

Yeah I know how they feel and it hurts to know that we were there for them during that time. And now they just leave us and they can't even remember what we did for them.

 

That bugs me sometimes, how she BU with me saying I didn't do much for her. But in reality I did a lot and she just doesn't see it, because she's so full on anger and on her decision to not want to be with me. So she turns it all around on me.

[Hopeful714]

So I had to post one more time today. How I hope I feel better tomorrow. I am going to go to bed early and I am actually looking forward to going to work.

 

As the day wore on, I realized that had what happened at home, not happened with my sister, I most likely would not have sent that text. It just was a double wammy day in a way. Yes, in the future if I ever feel the need to text again like I did today...I need to check in first with my budz at LS. WTF am I dependent on this now? lol. Great.

 

I don't understand what the heck kind of "comfort" I was looking for in sending that text. But in retrospect...it didn't bring much. What bothers me most at this time is I was so proud that he had NO information about me. Nothing. Although I sent the x-mas reply (that I dont really regret...because it was so generic it meant nothing)...he now has information. Ok, so I didn't get emotional, and he still has no clue if I'm happy/sad, single or in love, he knows now I am not completely "cold" to him and that I care. I'm not really happy about that but what's done is done. I threw a crumb.

 

I also realized after today's drama that I need to get more busy. I can tell I'm improving slowly, but I am lonely. It may not really be "him" I'm missing but "somebody." I miss passing time with someone. I miss talking with somebody. I miss the texts and nightly calls. Again, I need to get busy. I will get there.

 

The cheating crap was the worst, even though I think it was more a "weak moment" on his part as opposed to a full out "I like her now" type thing. Who knows..who cares. It happened. And more then once I suspect.

 

It is the esteem loss from the cheating that prevents me from getting "busy." Guess this is the next (hopefully last) hurdle to get over. It wasn't my fault. There is nothing wrong with me. I know that I think. But he's still never begged me back much, or apologized properly...he just expected me to forget it. So its like a vicious circle (was it me... or him?). Then again, he's messed up. Broken. He knows that (told me so) and I know that, and I know I cant or don't want to try to fix anyone. So it is possible that I am finally being respected by him keeping his distance, and I'm doing my part in letting him go. Or at least it's nice to think. After all...I cut the ties. Again who knows. Who cares. Either way, he won the ego boost prize today because I was weak and being "nice". My bad.

 

So I will focus on me again. And this esteem problem I'm experiencing. Maybe once the esteem is fixed I will never desire contact again. I swear does this crap ever end? I have a lot to be thankful for. Much to look forward to. I want to be well soon. I really really really do. This has all been waaaay too much. I just want a "new and improved" me back.

 

Thanks for listening. It's sometimes hard to believe I come here and pour my heart out. Crazy shi* for sure.

[TaraMaiden]

I'm so sorry about what happened to your sister.

I hope she's ok.

 

It's good to vent. You're right to come in and let it all out here.

 

You may be emotional, but actually - you write beautifully. Your self-expression is very clear and descriptive.

 

 

be well. XX

[Hopeful714]

Thank you! Sis is going to be ok but we are taking her tomorrow for x-rays to be sure.

 

Any advice on how to get back the esteem loss? lol

[TaraMaiden]

Yeah... stand in front of a full-length mirror and check your posture.

 

Now stand straight.

 

You have absolutely no idea how many of us slouch, involuntarily.

We diminish our size without thinking about it.

 

But if you straighten your spine, push your neck back ever so slightly and tuck your chin in, fractionally - and look yourself in the eye and smile - it has the wondrous effect of making you look - and feel - 10 times better!

 

Posture adds to confidence - and confidence makes you feel 10-foot tall.

 

If you 'think' the way you're standing - that's how you will feel.

 

Slouch - and you feel low.

Stand up straight - and you can spit the world in the eye.

 

Try it for yourself if you don't believe me.

 

Think "Tall".

[na49]

Any other tips on improving self esteem Tara?

[Hopeful714]

Well I haven't been here for a week. I'm trying to limit my LS time as it seems to keep me down at times. I just happened to pop in today and saw my thread was up so I think maybe I'll continue to post on this thread with my progress and or set backs. Its funny how I follow certain threads from people and then I notice I see them posting less....I figure they are moving on and it makes me happy for them. One of my favorites was "somegeekguy." That kid had it bad..but his posts got better and less frequent and I don't see much of him these days ....so I'm thinking he's recovered.

 

What happened last week is still ongoing. Sis it turns out has some fractures. My mind/time has been occupied with a lot of that. Didn't think too much about "him" this week till the down time on the wknd. Like now. I still don't feel too bad about the contact I sent, and I haven't heard anything back from him so its back to moving on, moving forward. I still miss him, am still dealing with some rejection/esteem stuff, but am trying to move towards acceptance that "we aren't right for eachother" anyhow, and if he REALLY cared, missed me, wanted to work things out or whatever he would be contacting to tell me so, and he hasn't.

 

I also realized I haven't really given myself a true chance since I've been stuck in the house pining and dealing with the grief. But now I am beginning/trying to make improvements (get busy) so that I can "get out there" soon.

 

I have always been an avid workout person although that fell to the wayside in the past few months. I resumed my workouts this week. I have also set up an appt with a counselor for next week. (lol) Truth is, I need to straighten out some things in my head about me, and close out this past relationship. I think its a positive move in the right direction....mainly to help me figure out why I tend to date broken men and change that pattern, as well as help me come to terms with the ending of this relationship and my issues of "abandonment." Basically, I'm bound and determined to "fix" stuff about me so I can be happy again, date, and either find what I'm looking for with a new man, or learn to be happy alone.

 

I have also decided to buy a new car in the near future so I have that to look forward to. It WILL be sweet...and I deserve it.

 

So let's see how this week goes! And again, much thanks to all of the LS posters who continue to help me through this!

[Ariella1984]

Hi Hopeful,

 

Well from your most recent post, it seems you are doing a little better and making progress! I am glad to hear that. I will have to go back and read your original thread as I am not sure of the details regarding your breakup.

 

I am sorry to hear about what your sister is going through.

 

I can relate to you about self-esteem. My self-esteem has taken a HUGE nosedive due to this breakup. I hate feeling this way. I just want myself back! I also was a huge gym nut and haven't been working out as much since this happened. I am trying to force myself to get back in my routine though because why should someone treating me badly make me treat myself badly?

[LostOne1]

Hi Hopeful,

 

Well from your most recent post, it seems you are doing a little better and making progress! I am glad to hear that. I will have to go back and read your original thread as I am not sure of the details regarding your breakup.

 

I am sorry to hear about what your sister is going through.

 

I can relate to you about self-esteem. My self-esteem has taken a HUGE nosedive due to this breakup. I hate feeling this way. I just want myself back! I also was a huge gym nut and haven't been working out as much since this happened. I am trying to force myself to get back in my routine though because why should someone treating me badly make me treat myself badly?

exactly treat yourself well. I just posted a new thread recently and I've been getting rejected like crazy lol. But some how I just realize maybe right now a relationship might not be my thing.

 

It kinda feels like I can't win, so I might as well just go for the ride and do my best. Self esteem is just one of those things it takes a hit for awhile and then it moves up and improves after a certain point. I think people usually need something good or positive to happen before they can raise it up.