goldengirl11 Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 (edited) Had met up with my MM friend/lover today, who came over late morning (typically a bit early when I wasn't quite ready) for a "cup of tea" and had the impression we'd probably go out for a bit too, but he said he didn't feel like it (going out) so agreed to stay in. He ends up staying for just over an hour and a half after a brief chat and (inevitably I guess) getting intimate, after he'd suggested we go to bed where we can chat etc. He said he didn't want me to think he was just coming over for one thing though. Nevertheless he obviously wasn't over for that long and again felt teary when he left. Empty in fact. Wondering if I was good enough performance-wise, if my place was tidy/clean enough, whether he still found me as attractive with not much and hurried make-up on and when I was going to see him next. Are these feelings natural?! Edited January 13, 2013 by goldengirl11
Mount Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 I thought you felt empty, upset is because you feel he came over just for using/having sex with you, but I did not predict you said you were upset because you feel you (your place) are not good enough for your MM? Why is it? What made you think like that? Had met up with my MM friend/lover today, who came over late morning (typically a bit early when I wasn't quite ready) for a "cup of tea" and had the impression we'd probably go out for a bit too, but he said he didn't feel like it (going out) so agreed to stay in. He ends up staying for just over an hour and a half after a brief chat and (inevitably I guess) getting intimate, after he'd suggested we go to bed where we can chat etc. He said he didn't want me to think he was just coming over for one thing though. Nevertheless he obviously wasn't over for that long and again felt teary when he left. Empty in fact. Wondering if I was good enough performance-wise, if my place was tidy/clean enough, whether he still found me as attractive with not much and hurried make-up on and when I was going to see him next. Are these feelings natural?!
missy268 Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 Very normal - i used to cry, he would always say "text you later" and i always used to wonder if that text would come, and panic until it did I used to wonder about my house, even whether my bed sheets were okay, its so odd. It is a insecurity about wondering whether your good enough for him. Unfortunatly you will quite probably always feel this way. These type of relationships are very uncertain xx
Summer Breeze Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 It may be normal to some but it shouldn't be. Make some boundaries of your own. Why is it inevitable you have sex? Sit on the couch and cuddle and talk about things if you want to. That doesn't mean you have to have sex. If he's using you for sex that'll be him heading out and then you know what your R is. I'm with LFH. Don't ever let yourself lose the power like that. I couldn't deal with any R laced with fear. As she said --reassess! 2
Catplates Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 Had met up with my MM friend/lover today, who came over late morning (typically a bit early when I wasn't quite ready) for a "cup of tea" and had the impression we'd probably go out for a bit too, but he said he didn't feel like it (going out) so agreed to stay in. He ends up staying for just over an hour and a half after a brief chat and (inevitably I guess) getting intimate, after he'd suggested we go to bed where we can chat etc. He said he didn't want me to think he was just coming over for one thing though. Nevertheless he obviously wasn't over for that long and again felt teary when he left. Empty in fact. Wondering if I was good enough performance-wise, if my place was tidy/clean enough, whether he still found me as attractive with not much and hurried make-up on and when I was going to see him next. Are these feelings natural?! Feeling upset for that reson is not normal. You should seriously look at your self esteem. If you think you aren't good enough to be a booty call (which is what that visit was) then you have real problems. I used to get upset because I would wonder where his hands would be roaming that night... I hate the ide a of him going back to the wife. Cat
BrokenPrincess Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 I never felt like that with xMM. In fact, sometimes I would be annoyed when he'd want to go out to dinner first because I just wanted to rip his clothes off! Have you felt insecure after being intimate with other men?
missy268 Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 This makes me so sad. This should never be normal. Why would you question if you were ok or good enough for someone you share yourself with. I'm so sorry you had a relationship that made you feel like that. How are you doing now? I was doing okay until he turned up at my front door yesterday morning. He said he was driving past on the way to work and wondered if he should pick me up (we work in the same place) I really really want to be done with him, but he just pushes all my buttons - he knows how to make me tick, and i hate him, and i hate the fact he has this girlfriend which he doesn't even acknowledge ....he refers to her as his ex - i'm not that stupid, i know shes his girlfriend so he's not honest with me. such a stupid situation. sorry to the OP for hijacking your thread - I need to stay strong. x
PurpleGal Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 Had met up with my MM friend/lover today, who came over late morning (typically a bit early when I wasn't quite ready) for a "cup of tea" and had the impression we'd probably go out for a bit too, but he said he didn't feel like it (going out) so agreed to stay in. He ends up staying for just over an hour and a half after a brief chat and (inevitably I guess) getting intimate, after he'd suggested we go to bed where we can chat etc. He said he didn't want me to think he was just coming over for one thing though. Nevertheless he obviously wasn't over for that long and again felt teary when he left. Empty in fact. Wondering if I was good enough performance-wise, if my place was tidy/clean enough, whether he still found me as attractive with not much and hurried make-up on and when I was going to see him next. Are these feelings natural?! It's natural to feel that way after such a visit, but many affairs don't have that element. If my MM could only spare an hour and a half with me, I'd either tell him not to bother or make it clear that sex wasn't on the menu. Most women are not built emotionally for brief sexual encounters. Was this a typical visit from him? If so, it doesn't sound like the relationship is making you happy. As for measuring up, HE should be wondering if he's good enough for YOU, not the other way around. 2
jwi71 Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 Had met up with my MM friend/lover today, who came over late morning (typically a bit early when I wasn't quite ready) for a "cup of tea" and had the impression we'd probably go out for a bit too, but he said he didn't feel like it (going out) so agreed to stay in. He ends up staying for just over an hour and a half after a brief chat and (inevitably I guess) getting intimate, after he'd suggested we go to bed where we can chat etc. He said he didn't want me to think he was just coming over for one thing though. Nevertheless he obviously wasn't over for that long and again felt teary when he left. Empty in fact. Wondering if I was good enough performance-wise, if my place was tidy/clean enough, whether he still found me as attractive with not much and hurried make-up on and when I was going to see him next. Are these feelings natural?! If you don't like the way you feel after these types of encounters then stop having them. Next time, if you want to go out and he doesn't - leave him behind. Performance-wise...I have, in my life, been with ONE woman with whom the intercourse was initially lousy. Key word initially. So, no...not a performance issue on your part I virtually guarantee it. 1
Summer Breeze Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 It's natural to feel that way after such a visit, but many affairs don't have that element. If my MM could only spare an hour and a half with me, I'd either tell him not to bother or make it clear that sex wasn't on the menu. Most women are not built emotionally for brief sexual encounters. Was this a typical visit from him? If so, it doesn't sound like the relationship is making you happy. As for measuring up, HE should be wondering if he's good enough for YOU, not the other way around. This is a good post. As I posted previously I never felt that way but like PG I didn't let him treat me like that. As I did say it's all about YOUR boundaries and YOUR power. At some point you'll find out how much more you want from him and it will make letting go easier to a point. Keep your own life and fit him in around everything else going on. 1
Got it Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 Had met up with my MM friend/lover today, who came over late morning (typically a bit early when I wasn't quite ready) for a "cup of tea" and had the impression we'd probably go out for a bit too, but he said he didn't feel like it (going out) so agreed to stay in. He ends up staying for just over an hour and a half after a brief chat and (inevitably I guess) getting intimate, after he'd suggested we go to bed where we can chat etc. He said he didn't want me to think he was just coming over for one thing though. Nevertheless he obviously wasn't over for that long and again felt teary when he left. Empty in fact. Wondering if I was good enough performance-wise, if my place was tidy/clean enough, whether he still found me as attractive with not much and hurried make-up on and when I was going to see him next. Are these feelings natural?! Goldengirl - I think you have some red flags to look at. If you are feeling empty and sad after he leaves you need to look at why that is. Why are you questioning your performance and household standard of living? If you are feeling less than you need to figure out why, address and/or change direction. You have every right to ask for whatever you need from this relationship. He will let you know if he can give it and you can make a decision based on that. You do not need to accept less than or assume you need to accept less than. This being an affair is his baby to rock, not yours.
CountrySlicker Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 V he would always say "text you later" and i always used to wonder if that text would come, and panic until it did That is exactly how I am feeling right now. And resisting the urge to text or email him.
Mount Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 Exactly, being a very realistic or practical person, I have to say that (let us put those Affair love, lusting emotion aside for a few seconds), your MM already got free place to have fun with, plus you are free to him, he has been saving tremendous of $$ instead of going to hotle/motel/sex service. How come you would think your place or you not good enough for MM? Am I right? Goldengirl - I think you have some red flags to look at. If you are feeling empty and sad after he leaves you need to look at why that is. Why are you questioning your performance and household standard of living? If you are feeling less than you need to figure out why, address and/or change direction. You have every right to ask for whatever you need from this relationship. He will let you know if he can give it and you can make a decision based on that. You do not need to accept less than or assume you need to accept less than. This being an affair is his baby to rock, not yours.
Got it Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 Exactly, being a very realistic or practical person, I have to say that (let us put those Affair love, lusting emotion aside for a few seconds), your MM already got free place to have fun with, plus you are free to him, he has been saving tremendous of $$ instead of going to hotle/motel/sex service. How come you would think your place or you not good enough for MM? Am I right? Ummm, I want to say I agree but I also feel this is very insulting as well. Now that is a double edge post if I have ever seen one.
Mount Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 Unfortunately truth is always hard to hear/bear. Ummm, I want to say I agree but I also feel this is very insulting as well. Now that is a double edge post if I have ever seen one.
Lillyfree Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 Unfortunately truth is always hard to hear/bear. sex service? really? so each woman that has an affair with a married man is a prostitute not getting paid? ffs. that's not 'truth', that's just nastiness disguised as advice. 3
Mount Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 Let us be honest, so many supporters here when they try to give advice to OWs involved in A in-progess, they always convince OWs that MMs only want sex, even though verbally MMs do say/claim love, or whatever. Am I right? I just point out the truth that the OP does not need to feed bad, because she has been providing MM sufficently. sex service? really? so each woman that has an affair with a married man is a prostitute not getting paid? ffs. that's not 'truth', that's just nastiness disguised as advice.
Mount Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 (edited) LFH, as I mentioned earlier, I am always very practical and realistic (for example, I never like art, or poem...etc), I am being wired to only see/focus on reality. That is why you are seeing me talking in very real way. I remembered MissBee pointed out in my all posts she never saw me expressing those excessive feeling to MM, thus she doubted me even liking MM. That proves my posting style is very consistent so far.;) My personal philosopy is I never believe those suger-coating, sweet talking stuff, because I can do that for anyone 24hours/7 days if that person fits to my agenda, I only believe real stuff. Mount, I'd like to strongly encourage you to consider therapy at this time. You're posting style has gotten highly erratic, inconsistent with the personality you initialy displayed and in many cases I'm seeing you being very mean for no reason. This wasn't the way you were acting before, and I'm going to be honest, I'm concerned. You don't have to agree with what others are doing (but it's a little hypocritical of you don't you think?) but I'm afraid you are having some issues you need to work out. Please think about that. Edited January 16, 2013 by Mount
Lillyfree Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 LFH, as I mentioned earlier, I am always very practical and realistic (for example, I never like art, or poem...etc), I am being wired to only see/focus on reality. That is why you are seeing me talking in very real way. you're an OW, right? would you be ok with someone saying that you were providing a 'sex service' to your MM?
Mount Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 (edited) The reality is since the very beginning when I was here, many posters were pointing out that the MM was only wanting to have sex...etc etc, I would be hurt...etc etc. That could be true, or not true (that is another topic), but I always acknowleged their such response, and never replied back saying "oh...that is true love from MM....I believe his pure intention only for love". Because I believe people is complicated, MM's agenda is complicated, it could include pure love, and sex as well. Come on, we are all adult, no one was born yesterday, we should have life experience or knowledge or street smart by now, correct? you're an OW, right? would you be ok with someone saying that you were providing a 'sex service' to your MM? Edited January 16, 2013 by Mount
Mount Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 As I mentioned many times, the MM did remember to bring gift at certain holidays, i.e. birthday, X'mas, but I gave him back the gift at same holidays with more expensive at value. Also I mentioned a couple times, I am financially comfortable as well, rather than the MM and his wife are more stingy in their long marriage life in order to accumlate equity capital. Also because I love dinning out, I treat MM here and there in nice restaurant if I am in the mood dinning out. So there has no selling at all, because apparently I provide more. Guess the whole point is that my post is "pushing someone's button", I guess, so it is causing fire back? No, actually you used to post differently, which makes me wonder what happened. I forgot that you said at one point that you're in it for the money and gifts he provides you in exchange for sex. So... I guess for you it is sex services. Not everyone is comfortable selling themselves that way, and very few people are willing to do it, so I guess that's why you don't see it as offensive. As long as your comfortable with your actions that's great, but you should keep in mind very few people see or are comfortable with doing it as that and that your slightly different way of phrasing things (I am of the impression taht english is not your primary language) comes across as antagonistic.
Mount Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 Apparently you perceive it is a attitude change if I happened input anything negatively towards OW?! As you can see my post all along, I never supported those OWs obsessive with MMs, complaining why during NC why their MMs don't contact them...etc Also it could be "lost in translation", just because I wrote sex service, and the whole point is I want to point out that OP(OW) shouldn't feel bad about herself at all. You shouldn't be surprised here as apparently lots of posters (seem to be Betrayed spouse) are having more "strong" words. So what's the purpose of trying to push someone's buttons? Seriously? This is supposed to be to support people and help. I legitimately was concerned that you might be struggling becuase your attitude changed. Silly me, actually trying to be supportive.
Mount Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 I think the key point here is my choice of using certain words/ ceratin analogy leads to certain mis-understanding by other viewers. Again, my main point was to point out in the post that the OP is very good enough for herself for her MM, I think you're fooling yourself about how you feel and I was concerned. Apparently I'm wrong and that's ok. I'm glad you're content with your choices. Good luck to you!
Got it Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 Let us be honest, so many supporters here when they try to give advice to OWs involved in A in-progess, they always convince OWs that MMs only want sex, even though verbally MMs do say/claim love, or whatever. Am I right? I just point out the truth that the OP does not need to feed bad, because she has been providing MM sufficently. Yes . . . just those of us who have actually been in affairs know that is not entirely true. Regardless of how much is it vehemently denied and ignored.
Got it Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 Apparently you perceive it is a attitude change if I happened input anything negatively towards OW?! As you can see my post all along, I never supported those OWs obsessive with MMs, complaining why during NC why their MMs don't contact them...etc Also it could be "lost in translation", just because I wrote sex service, and the whole point is I want to point out that OP(OW) shouldn't feel bad about herself at all. You shouldn't be surprised here as apparently lots of posters (seem to be Betrayed spouse) are having more "strong" words. Bottomline, then, if that was your point it wasn't written clearly and quite poorly. Your message seemed to be somewhat different. We can both write a post addressing the same topic but the delivery can make a world of difference.
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