Repairing the damage

[Decorative]

I don't think that they intentionally use the kids as buffers or a distraction, but I believe that this is what's been going on. Everything revolves around the kids and their activities.

 

What will happen when the kids are grown and ave their own lives?

 

That's an issue they need to deal with together - they need to build a future and common interests. Healthy marriages have those features, and they take work.

 

It's a cliche, but the grass is greenest where you water it. Where you place your time and focus. And marriage is a decision every day to actively act in love and respect and work together.

[right_or_wrong]

OMG! That is exactly what Mr. Messy thought about me...boy was he wrong. I don't know what to say to you. I guess it does not matter if her life choices are affected.

 

It absolutely does matter, but it's not my decision to make. I guess his own self-preservation is greater than anything else.

[bentnotbroken]

It absolutely does matter, but it's not my decision to make. I guess his own self-preservation is greater than anything else.

 

 

I agree with this.

[right_or_wrong]

That's an issue they need to deal with together - they need to build a future and common interests. Healthy marriages have those features, and they take work.

 

It's a cliche, but the grass is greenest where you water it. Where you place your time and focus. And marriage is a decision every day to actively act in love and respect and work together.

 

 

But isn't my brother doing just that? He ended his LTA to focus and re-commit to his family. Isn't it loving and respectful?

[bentnotbroken]

But isn't my brother doing just that? He ended his LTA to focus and re-commit to his family. Isn't it loving and respectful?

 

 

Question??? Is it loving and respectful to lie to your spouse everyday?

[Realist3]

How will his wife find out? My brother is certain the other woman will not out him due to many TMI reasons, and i agree with his assessment. He has no intentions of ever coming clean and there is no one who knows about his LTA. I also understand that there are no emails or any paper trail. And knowing his wife, she will never go digging for information. She isn't savvy enough technology-wise, and keeping up appearances is paramount in her opinion.

 

Maybe in this case where his wife will never find out, he will be able to just move on and put it behind him?

 

She likely won't. Most affairs are never discovered. If he has it out of his system he can move on and work toward a better marriage.

 

If she does find out he can cross that bridge when it comes. This notion that if he comes out and tells her she will at least be able to make her own decisions is hogwash. She will be devestated either way; whether he tells her today or she finds out in 5 years. Like I said the odds are that she will never find out. Better to save her the grief.

[right_or_wrong]

Question??? Is it loving and respectful to lie to your spouse everyday?

 

 

I can see your point. But I guess he feels that he isn't ACTIVELY lying since the LTA is over and he has firm NC with the other woman. Maybe he feels that keeping his secret to himself isn't ACTIVELY disrespectful.

[bentnotbroken]

I can see your point. But I guess he feels that he isn't ACTIVELY lying since the LTA is over and he has firm NC with the other woman. Maybe he feels that keeping his secret to himself isn't ACTIVELY disrespectful.

 

 

I am sure he probably feels the way you say he does....but a lie by omission is the same as a lie of commission...neither gave me my years back. Respect isn't defined by active or inactive.

[right_or_wrong]

She likely won't. Most affairs are never discovered. If he has it out of his system he can move on and work toward a better marriage.

 

If she does find out he can cross that bridge when it comes. This notion that if he comes out and tells her she will at least be able to make her own decisions is hogwash. She will be devestated either way; whether he tells her today or she finds out in 5 years. Like I said the odds are that she will never find out. Better to save her the grief.

 

What does it mean "out of his system"?

 

The way he described his relationship with the other woman, there were deep mutual feelings, and the connection was both physical and emotional. He actually wept when he spoke of her. That last time I saw him cry he was 7 years old.

 

Can you get that type of relationship "out of your system" just by wishing it away?

Edited January 13, 2013 by right_or_wrong

[Betrayed&Stayed]

But isn't my brother doing just that? He ended his LTA to focus and re-commit to his family. Isn't it loving and respectful?

 

WTH? Ask your sister-in-law if he is being loving and respectful. He is being selfish and only protecting himself. It's still all about him. His affair. His marriage. His reputation. His lust.

 

How is deceiving his wife and perpetuating the lies loving and respectful? How many ways has his wife made sacrifices the past 3 yrs based on the assumption that her husband is a loving, loyal, and faithful partner? How many times has she picked up the slack at home so your brother can have a piece of strange at the Motel 6? Has she gone without while her husband is spending money on his LTA?

 

Recommitment involves honesty. He is just recommitting to the lies and the pretense of a marriage. What will the foundation of this recommitted marriage be built on? It won't be honesty, mutual respect, transparency, or true intimacy.

 

Coming clean doesn't automatically equate to divorce. But it does provide the opportunity to create a new marriage for both partners to be on equal ground. It's an opportunity to reach a new level of intimacy that cannot be achieved by lies and deception. Your brother will be "hiding" from his wife until the truth is revealed.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

She will be devestated either way; whether he tells her today or she finds out in 5 years. Like I said the odds are that she will never find out. Better to save her the grief.

 

Wow. That is so altruistic. <sarcasm turned on>

 

Being a BS that found out 8 years after the affair I can say from experience that the delay only makes things worse. Much worse!

[Realist3]

What does it mean "out of his system"?

 

The way he described his relationship with the other woman, there were deep mutual feelings, and the connection was both physical and emotional. He actually wept when he spoke of her. That last time I saw him cry he was 7 years old.

 

Can you get that type of relationship "out of your system" just by wishing it away?

 

If he chooses to yes. Telling his wife is not going to make him heal from that type of involvement in any way whatsoever.

[Realist3]

Wow. That is so altruistic. <sarcasm turned on>

 

Being a BS that found out 8 years after the affair I can say from experience that the delay only makes things worse. Much worse!

 

Worse in what way? Really. You are able to define degrees of hurt to a point where you can distinctly say one is different than the other? Color me skeptical.

[bentnotbroken]

Wow. That is so altruistic. <sarcasm turned on>

 

Being a BS that found out 8 years after the affair I can say from experience that the delay only makes things worse. Much worse!

 

 

Put the brick down and walk past it.

[Decorative]

But isn't my brother doing just that? He ended his LTA to focus and re-commit to his family. Isn't it loving and respectful?

 

No.

 

Because it is built on a giant lie.

[right_or_wrong]

If he chooses to yes. Telling his wife is not going to make him heal from that type of involvement in any way whatsoever.

 

I'm concerned with his healing, whether or not he tells his wife. And do you really think emotions can be truly subjected to willpower LONG-TERM? I'm not sure.

 

I think that his ability to heal is tied directly to the state of his marriage. If he isn't honest with her, and nothing will get addressed, so nothing will change in their dynamic, how will he be able to heal an ailing marriage on his own? The two of them make up the marriage. If only he knows what's been going on, how will anything ever be fixed?

 

So from where I stand, nothing will change in his marriage. Everything will stay the same as it was before his LTA. Everything - the good and the Bad. But now he will have the added emotional baggage of his guilt, his remorse, and the feeling he shared with the other woman, and he will carry this burden alone. this is what I'm worried about - the long-term effects this denial and avoidance will have on his health and well-being.

[shame_on_me]

Few weeks ago, my brother confided in me that he had an LTA for over 3 years. To say I was shocked is an understatement. He is the most loyal and devoted family man I know. Yes, I knew that his marriage was less than perfect, but I thought that he managed to find peace and contentment with his wife (our family isn't really fond of her, but she is still his wife and they have been married for over 20 years). He is a wonderful father who will do anything for the kids. Finding out he's been having a relationship with another woman for such a long time is absolutely mind boggling.

 

He decided to end the LTA out of his feelings of guilt towards his family. He is heart broken over the loss of the other woman as he said he has deep feelings for her, but says he has no other choice as he will never leave his family, for many reasons. He doesn't want to confess to his wife. I've even reading here for few days and I know that you all advocate confessing but he is adamant about not doing that. He also doesn't want to do MC or IC. He is a very guarded man, quite the introvert, and never opens up to anyone. I was actually very surprised that he confided in me.

 

My brother thinks that in time he will just put the LTA behind him and move on with his life as it was before he met the other woman. He just wants to go back to being the good father and husband like his affair never took place. I'm just worried that if his wife will never know, they will never be able to truthfully address the issues that made him be vulnerable to another woman. I'm afraid that if he will carry this burden for the rest of his life and burry his feelings and the implications of his actions through denial, he will end up depressed and ill.

 

My question is: if there was never a D-Day, no confession, no MC or IC - can he really fix what it was that made him enter the LTA to begin with on his own? Is it possible to just put something so fundamental behind you and move on like nothing ever happened?

 

 

Ask me in a few months time ....

 

I am going through exactly the same except my affair was just over a year

[Realist3]

I'm concerned with his healing, whether or not he tells his wife. And do you really think emotions can be truly subjected to willpower LONG-TERM? I'm not sure.

 

I think that his ability to heal is tied directly to the state of his marriage. If he isn't honest with her, and nothing will get addressed, so nothing will change in their dynamic, how will he be able to heal an ailing marriage on his own? The two of them make up the marriage. If only he knows what's been going on, how will anything ever be fixed?

 

So from where I stand, nothing will change in his marriage. Everything will stay the same as it was before his LTA. Everything - the good and the Bad. But now he will have the added emotional baggage of his guilt, his remorse, and the feeling he shared with the other woman, and he will carry this burden alone. this is what I'm worried about - the long-term effects this denial and avoidance will have on his health and well-being.

 

He is going to have to address the issues within his marriage. That is completely different than telling her he had a very involved affair. He will get over the baggage of the A in time. The only thing telling her does is clear his conscience, and let her know that he made a bad decision about his ill feelings about the marriage. Are she going to be more willing to work on the marriage because she knows he cheated?

[right_or_wrong]

He is going to have to address the issues within his marriage. That is completely different than telling her he had a very involved affair. He will get over the baggage of the A in time. The only thing telling her does is clear his conscience, and let her know that he made a bad decision about his ill feelings about the marriage. Are she going to be more willing to work on the marriage because she knows he cheated?

 

I can tell you for a fact, that he isn't going to address anything with his wife. He will just continue as he did before his LTA and weather his emotions on his own. So nothing in his marriage will be worked on, only ignored.

 

I just don't know if it won't all fall apart at some later stage.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Worse in what way? Really. You are able to define degrees of hurt to a point where you can distinctly say one is different than the other? Color me skeptical.

 

Not only did I have to deal the pain of the affair. I had to deal with the 8 years of living within a lie. Add 8 years of deception to the mix. I had to go back and review 8 years of my life through an entirely different lens.

 

As result there were many many:

 

"Oh, that's what that meant back in <month/year>"

 

"Now I know what she meant when she told me xyz"

 

"Was that romantic getaway/gift based on her love for me or appeasing her guilt"

 

Were all of those "I love you's" genuine or not?

 

All of those decisions that I made based on a false reality, I'll never get back.

 

Going back and re-reading all of those Anniversary cards and Valentine's cards were eye-opening. They were filled with double-meanings that I had missed because I was kept in the dark.

 

Then add the frustration of trying to remember the details from my perspective and hers that far removed from the affair.

[Realist3]

I can tell you for a fact, that he isn't going to address anything with his wife. He will just continue as he did before his LTA and weather his emotions on his own. So nothing in his marriage will be worked on, only ignored.

 

I just don't know if it won't all fall apart at some later stage.

 

If he won't work on them, then he won't work on them. Tell him to get divorced.

[right_or_wrong]

If he won't work on them, then he won't work on them. Tell him to get divorced.

 

I actually agree with you. Unfortunately he thinks that by ending the EMR, having firm NC, not actively lying anymore and simply plowing along he IS working on the marriage, and his own work will be sufficient to repair the damage.

 

I don't know if is possible.

[Realist3]

Not only did I have to deal the pain of the affair. I had to deal with the 8 years of living within a lie. Add 8 years of deception to the mix. I had to go back and review 8 years of my life through an entirely different lens.

 

As result there were many many:

 

"Oh, that's what that meant back in <month/year>"

 

"Now I know what she meant when she told me xyz"

 

"Was that romantic getaway/gift based on her love for me or appeasing her guilt"

 

Were all of those "I love you's" genuine or not?

 

All of those decisions that I made based on a false reality, I'll never get back.

 

Going back and re-reading all of those Anniversary cards and Valentine's cards were eye-opening. They were filled with double-meanings that I had missed because I was kept in the dark.

 

Then add the frustration of trying to remember the details from my perspective and hers that far removed from the affair.

 

 

Those examples certainly might have been difficult, but the hurt was still the same.

 

Was the affair going on for those 8 years?

[Realist3]

I actually agree with you. Unfortunately he thinks that by ending the EMR, having firm NC, not actively lying anymore and simply plowing along he IS working on the marriage, and his own work will be sufficient to repair the damage.

 

I don't know if is possible.

 

You will have to wait and see what transpires. There are marriages that last forever that are not picture book. His might be one of those.

[right_or_wrong]

You will have to wait and see what transpires. There are marriages that last forever that are not picture book. His might be one of those.

 

I truly hope so. But, again - I'm less worried about whether or not he stays married. I'm a lot more worried about is mental and emotional health and his state of mind down the road. Staying married isn't the goal, as far a I'm concerned. Being happy and healthy is.