Dman28 Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 First thanks to everyone that reads this. Me and my wife have been together 7 years. We have 4 beautiful kids together. Things started out nice as they do in every relationship. Now to the point. We have been having verbal and physical abuse in our home for years. I have cheated and so has she. Our time together has been nothing but road blocks. We stayed together because she had a dream of a family. This time together has been finger pointing,fist fighting, cheating, hurtful words, hurtful actions, and even more hurtful feelings. For years we have threw divorce at each other along with anything else we could get our hands on. Recently I have made a decision that I will not continue like this and made a final decision for divorce. Again she doesn't want a divorce and wants to work it out. We have failed at every turn. I expressed to her that I am tired of hurting her, my kids and myself. I expressed to her also that I am not the only one to blame for this marriage As she thinks I am. The fighting gets worse and there's no intimacy. I don't hold her at night we sleep in different rooms. The sex died years ago, there's no respect and there's no love between us. She wants to try but it feels like a chore because I'm tired of being here. It feels like we're forcing nothing, and going nowhere. I do love her I'm just not in love with her. She takes a divorce very hard. But at the same time we have both said love don't keep us here, we want a divorce, and just about everything else to one another. And recently she said she don't mean it. Well we both are tired of something here. We have tried therapy and was never committed to it. I am ready to move on. Would a divorce be the right move.
aMguilts Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 First thanks to everyone that reads this. Me and my wife have been together 7 years. We have 4 beautiful kids together. Things started out nice as they do in every relationship. Now to the point. We have been having verbal and physical abuse in our home for years. I have cheated and so has she. Our time together has been nothing but road blocks. We stayed together because she had a dream of a family. This time together has been finger pointing,fist fighting, cheating, hurtful words, hurtful actions, and even more hurtful feelings. For years we have threw divorce at each other along with anything else we could get our hands on. Recently I have made a decision that I will not continue like this and made a final decision for divorce. Again she doesn't want a divorce and wants to work it out. We have failed at every turn. I expressed to her that I am tired of hurting her, my kids and myself. I expressed to her also that I am not the only one to blame for this marriage As she thinks I am. The fighting gets worse and there's no intimacy. I don't hold her at night we sleep in different rooms. The sex died years ago, there's no respect and there's no love between us. She wants to try but it feels like a chore because I'm tired of being here. It feels like we're forcing nothing, and going nowhere. I do love her I'm just not in love with her. She takes a divorce very hard. But at the same time we have both said love don't keep us here, we want a divorce, and just about everything else to one another. And recently she said she don't mean it. Well we both are tired of something here. We have tried therapy and was never committed to it. I am ready to move on. Would a divorce be the right move. hi Dman28 Theres no love and no respect. You fight. You both cheat. "would a divorce be the right move?" Yeah it would. Therapy( what kind?) didn`t help? I will say thou, i hate the word `divorce`. You both married for a reason? aM 1
TaraMaiden Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 First thanks to everyone that reads this. Me and my wife have been together 7 years. We have 4 beautiful kids together. Things started out nice as they do in every relationship. Now to the point. We have been having verbal and physical abuse in our home for years. I have cheated and so has she. Our time together has been nothing but road blocks. We stayed together because she had a dream of a family. This time together has been finger pointing,fist fighting, cheating, hurtful words, hurtful actions, and even more hurtful feelings. For years we have threw divorce at each other along with anything else we could get our hands on. Recently I have made a decision that I will not continue like this and made a final decision for divorce. Again she doesn't want a divorce and wants to work it out. We have failed at every turn. I expressed to her that I am tired of hurting her, my kids and myself. I expressed to her also that I am not the only one to blame for this marriage As she thinks I am. The fighting gets worse and there's no intimacy. I don't hold her at night we sleep in different rooms. The sex died years ago, there's no respect and there's no love between us. She wants to try but it feels like a chore because I'm tired of being here. It feels like we're forcing nothing, and going nowhere. I do love her I'm just not in love with her. She takes a divorce very hard. But at the same time we have both said love don't keep us here, we want a divorce, and just about everything else to one another. And recently she said she don't mean it. Well we both are tired of something here. We have tried therapy and was never committed to it. I am ready to move on. Would a divorce be the right move. Urgh... There is so much I could say here.... Communication, Trust, Respect....... Blame is proportional, but responsibility for the marriage, upkeep and maintenance, is 50/50 straight down the middle.... It's not what you say, it's how you say it..... Finding the problem doesn't mean you've found the solution, and marriage takes constant work.... But I'm tired of sounding like a stuck record, speaking to faces I can't see, and lives I can't gauge.... File for divorce, get it over and done with. But understand that you're simply exchanging one set of problematic dynamics for another.... Divorcing won't solve your problems. it will just divide them by two. 1
Author Dman28 Posted January 13, 2013 Author Posted January 13, 2013 Tara I agree with you how do you leave a woman who doesn't want to divorce. I feel guilty if I leave without saying anything in the middle if the night but if I don't we will fight
TaraMaiden Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 You seem to have the opinion that it's either one thing (Fight) or the other (divorce). What has made the two of you so apathetic? Why don't you work for this? if divorce is an option, but the most unpleasant one, why aren't the two of you making more of an effort to salvage this? Is a divorce really what you want too...? Is there no hope in your heart of ever being able to fall IN love with your wife again? has it gone too far?
aMguilts Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 Tara I agree with you how do you leave a woman who doesn't want to divorce. I feel guilty if I leave without saying anything in the middle if the night but if I don't we will fight hey again Dman28 I know you asked Tara for input but like she said she`s tired of posts like yours. So you`re just gonna have to make do with mine How do you leave a woman that doesn`t want a divorce? And you want suggestions about how to leave `in the middle of the night` ?? So you don`t have a fight? REALLY? aM 1
TaraMaiden Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 First thanks to everyone that reads this. Me and my wife have been together 7 years. We have 4 beautiful kids together. Things started out nice as they do in every relationship. Now to the point. We have been having verbal and physical abuse in our home for years. Why - ?!? I have cheated and so has she. Why - ?!? Our time together has been nothing but road blocks Why - ?!? We stayed together because she had a dream of a family. ...And what a nightmare that turned out to be... This time together has been finger pointing,fist fighting, cheating, hurtful words, hurtful actions, and even more hurtful feelings. Why - ?!? For years we have threw divorce at each other along with anything else we could get our hands on. Recently I have made a decision that I will not continue like this and made a final decision for divorce. Again she doesn't want a divorce and wants to work it out. 'Again'...? Why don't YOU want to work it out? What the hell is going on here?? We have failed at every turn. I expressed to her that I am tired of hurting her, my kids and myself. I expressed to her also that I am not the only one to blame for this marriage As she thinks I am. Boy, your kids.... I feel sorry for them, if this is how they learn what marriage is.... This is shameful.... Like I said, Blame is proportional - even 99%/1%... But the responsibility for the care, upkeep and maintenance of the relationship is absolutley straight down the middle - and you both really suck at it. Don't you? You sound like 12-year-old kids.... The fighting gets worse and there's no intimacy. I don't hold her at night we sleep in different rooms. The sex died years ago, there's no respect and there's no love between us. There is from her, but it's warped, jaded and pretty messed up. If she wants to keep trying, there is still something there for her.... The complete lack, seems to be with you.... She wants to try but it feels like a chore because I'm tired of being here. It feels like we're forcing nothing, and going nowhere. I do love her I'm just not in love with her. She takes a divorce very hard. But at the same time we have both said love don't keep us here, we want a divorce, and just about everything else to one another. And recently she said she don't mean it. Well we both are tired of something here. We have tried therapy and was never committed to it. I am ready to move on. Would a divorce be the right move. WHO didn't? be honest... which one of you really, didn't commit to it? Which one drew back, withheld and didn't open up?
TaraMaiden Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 hey again Dman28 I know you asked Tara for input but like she said she`s tired of posts like yours. So you`re just gonna have to make do with mine How do you leave a woman that doesn`t want a divorce? And you want suggestions about how to leave `in the middle of the night` ?? So you don`t have a fight? REALLY? aM I'm sick and tired of seeing 'broken, unfixable, finished, over.....' it's so sad.... And I end up by saying the same things over and over.... because the same things work, over and over.... The problem is, we only ever get one person's input. So we can only ever reply according to what information we get from that person, and in response to their feelings and emotions. we give counsel and support. But it's more often than not, a done deal. They're dumped already, or in an affair that is dying....or in a relationship where the dynamics are imbalanced against them, in favour of the partner.... I'd love to be in the room with both people, sometimes.... And this is one of them.... Because there's an imbalance here, and a contradictory account. This guy sees the shambolic disaster the marriage is - and wants a way out. His wife sees the shambolic disaster the marriage is - but wants to keep trying. It's almost like we've got the "Wrong person" here..... It's easy to file for divorce and expedite the separation. But with the mood the marriage and relationship is in, divorce isn't a solution, because these guys aren't done 'killing' each other.... this one, unless something is implemented to remedy it, will run and run..... Why? Because there are children. 1
ataloss8270 Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 IMO It seems to me that you both have some serious deep seeded issues far beyond just the marriage, especially sense you both are extremely physical with one another. My wife and I had one physical altercation and she left, and tells me she doesn't know if she could ever look at me the same way. This is not healthy for your children to be in this situation. I would say you need to separate and work on yourselves threw IC and anger management. And see if you can reconcile later on down the road. But as of right now this is a very toxic relationship for everyone involved. 1
aMguilts Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 tara. he hasn`t replied deep breaths ok? In and Out, In and out aM
TaraMaiden Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 Oh, I'm good at deep breaths.... It's ok... But I agree with ataloss8270 to call this relationship 'dysfunctional' seems to be a glaring understatement, and I too, have great concern for the welfare of the children, and the long-term effect this will have on their outlook. "Damaged situation" doesn't cover it..... I guess all we can do now, is await further input....
aMguilts Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 yeah thats all you can do. getting stressed over it will not do you any good will it? aM
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