Is it normal to want an older man?

January 13, 2013

I'm telling you, in most colleges today, it is very hard to find a boyfriend and actually go on a date. In Boston U, most students are female and a lot are really beautiful. I think I'm pretty cute, but not a pageant winner. And the hot guys are mainly jocks or frat boys who want to just get drunk and hook up.

Is everybody else my age so turned off by men who just happen to be older, but are in great shape and really gentlemen?

So you justify dating a 50 year old man with this?

Yes, this is extremely common for younger women to think they are mature enough to date older men...but if the guy isn't looking for a baby-maker or live in young piece of booty then he's not going to shoot that much younger for a woman because he's going to want someone closer to him intellectually and with life experience.

Mature and intelligent men typically go for older women or women closer to their age...men who are seeking physicality or some other agenda go for the younger, not because you're on their level...just let me put it to you this way...

You ever see a zombie movie, and the humans are like...

Human: "OMG they're so stupid and slow!"

Zombie girl: (instead of brains though pretend): "Looooove"

Zombie girl: "Anything is pooossible....age is just a number"

Zombie girl: ::arms falls off:: "Come here....don't run away, I will chase you...you want me, you need me, I'm the one for you...truueee looove"

I'm of course bilingual and translating zombie for you...

Human: ::covers zombie in gasoline...flicks on match on it:: "How easy was that!"..."Oh no there's a hundred more!"

You're on such another level, hell me dating you would take 1/4 of my brain power and woman knowledge, you don't know anything about anything...maybe if you date some idiot he might have to use 3/4 of his brain power but then you'd have to question what kind of guy are you with by then.

Women are very vulnerable and gullible to older men because we're not idiots! We can talk to women without being perverted or creepy since we're not complete morons, it doesn't mean we would have "good" intentions it just means we can bedazzle you easier...older men do it to older women what do you think makes you special?...I could charm you to pieces If I tried, and even half-minded/competent man could too, because you just don't have the experience...what works on you now, and what you'll believe and fall for now is likely (hopefully for your own sake and good) far and away what you'll be attracted to and interested in, in the future.

I'm not going to change the world or anything, you're going to do what you want and honestly what you're doing is deep-rooted inside of you with issues (famous daddy issues...looking for a daddy in a BF/lover) and some of it is nature...women think they know how men think, or at least they want to believe it, but they have no clue what is in a man's mind...just like the majority of men don't understand what's in a woman's mind and doesn't really how emotional and crazy it is.

Women always tell me...

Her: "You don't know what he was thinking or how he feels, you didn't know what we had....we had something special?"

Me" "Right, right...of course...that's exactly why you're not with this man anymore...oh right, it was just "bad timing" or let me guess he had some extremely credible reason or something happened that prevented this but you were probably meant to be together otherwise right? or he had some other priority that took precedence over you that he just had to pursue right?"

Many women have to believe things were more than they were, but men know the truth...and over the years women can look back and usually see what was really special and what wasn't...at least to their best knowledge, but in the moment everything was special wasn't it?

One day I'm going to write a book...cracking the "man-code" for women, and I guarantee you, you'll look at everything in a different light knowing how men, think, feel and go through. But I'm the last guy you want critiquing your relationship, because I'll at the least make you consider the truth instead of deny it.

It's just so disappointing seeing women going through the same BS in life, like it's one big "love" meat-grinder, and not even women are helping each other out...I guess it might take a man to do it...at least for those women who are wise enough to listen...but with emotions and lack of experience, I wouldn't wager much.

January 13, 2013

Speaking as a 50 year old guy:

Yes, it's perfectly normal for an 18 year old girl to have a crush on an older man. It isn't odd and it doesn't mean you have daddy issues. You're just curious and experimenting.

No, realistically he's not going to want to date you, and you probably don't want to date him.

Date whomever you want. Don't let other people tell you what you are "supposed" to be attracted to or what is "normal". The world is full of angry & bitter people who want to make everyone else feel as bad as they feel. Don't let them do that to you.

January 13, 2013

Not all college men are immature frat boys. I'm living proof of that. Being 18 and wanting someone near 50 is weird in my opinion, yeah. We're talking more than 30 years of difference.

Especially if it's a serious relationship you're seeking. If you honestly believe you can have a meaningful relationship with someone that much older than you, or if someone that old will take you serious, I have a bridge in Brooklyn I want to sell you.

Edited January 13, 2013 by MrCastle

January 13, 2013

The only reason a man that old would date a woman as young as you are is for a hookup. You yourself said that is what you don't want.

Good Lord, there are dozens of colleges and universities in Boston. Tens of thousands of guys, many like you, lamenting that there aren't any decent girls out there. Start going to any of the hundreds of events. You might snag a nice, nerdy guy who goes to Harvard!

January 13, 2013

I'm sorry, but dozens of good guys who are single aren't exactly sitting around waiting for me show up and date them.

January 13, 2013

I'm sorry, but dozens of good guys who are single aren't exactly sitting around waiting for me show up and date them.

Nope. You actually have to go looking for them. What a concept.

January 13, 2013

I'm sorry, but dozens of good guys who are single aren't exactly sitting around waiting for me show up and date them.

Uh yeah they are, I'm sure they are looking but if you're only looking at Frat parties, you're not going to find them

January 13, 2013

There's a big difference between something being uncommon and someone having a personality disorder, which is what some of the posters here are claiming. One of the things I dislike about this board (though it's fascinating in an I-cant-take-my-eyes-off-the-carwreck kind of way) is how absurdly quick to judge so many people here are. The OP had a perfectly normal question that she asked in a perfectly normal way, and she gets bombarded with all sorts of hostility.

There's nothing weird about an 18 year old girl getting a crush. Hell, there's nothing weird about anyone getting a crush. If I'm meeting lots of people, I can have 3 or 4 crushes per day.

Being attracted to someone doesn't mean you're going to spend the rest of your life with them. I think a lot of the people on this board would find they have fewer problems dating if they didn't put all their eggs in one basket so quickly.

(Also, have you ever noticed that whenever we get these age-related questions, the hostility all comes from younger men and older women? Hmmm, I wonder why that is?)

January 13, 2013

There's nothing weird about an 18 year old girl getting a crush[/Quote]

Tell the whole story. "There's nothing weird about an 18 year old girl getting a crush on a 50 year old man". And actually, yeah it is kinda weird. We're not talking 20's, 30's, or even 40's. A man in his 50's with kids. It is a little odd. I'm not gonna cite daddy issues or any other serious problems, but it is what it is.

Also, have you ever noticed that whenever we get these age-related questions, the hostility all comes from younger men and older women? Hmmm, I wonder why that is?

Let me guess--you're an older man?

January 13, 2013

Tell the whole story. "There's nothing weird about an 18 year old girl getting a crush on a 50 year old man". And actually, yeah it is kinda weird. We're not talking 20's, 30's, or even 40's. A man in his 50's with kids. It is a little odd. I'm not gonna cite daddy issues or any other serious problems, but it is what it is.

I meant exactly what I said. Women around that age get crushes all the time. Sometimes they're appropriate, sometimes they're not. It's a normal and healthy part of their maturation process. (And personally, I'd rather have my 17 year old niece get a crush on a nice 50 year old man than an 18 year old biker dude. Jes sayin'.

Let me guess--you're an older man?

Since I started my post with "Speaking as a 50 year old man", that's a pretty good guess!

January 13, 2013

Why is it so important that who you date be a "normal" combination?

collegelisa18, I understand why someone your age thinks it's important. Your 18, just out of high school and while legally an adult your a teenager. At your age socializing is all about cliques and popularity and having a tight circle of friends. What that circle would think of you is very important to you right now.

At a latter age you realize, often as members of that clique move on to jobs, get married, and have children (or you do those things yourself). That the kind of people who's opinions you worry so much about right now are not really important at all.

So don't worry about weather or not dating an older, or fatter, or skinnier, or different race, or whatever else is normal. Worry about weather or not the person you are with is truly who makes you happy.

January 13, 2013

I meant exactly what I said. Women around that age get crushes all the time. Sometimes they're appropriate, sometimes they're not. It's a normal and healthy part of their maturation process. (And personally, I'd rather have my 17 year old niece get a crush on a nice 50 year old man than an 18 year old biker dude. Jes sayin'.[/Quote]

Why does he automatically have to be a "biker dude"? What happened to good young men? What's interesting to me about the younger woman/older man thing is the younger woman often cites "men my age are so immature", but in reality, her saying that, just screams immaturity on her part, because she's being prejudiced against people her own age. The fact that the OP only cites "frat boys" as her reasoning just further brings that point home. There are plenty of good, mature young men out there. Her inability to see that makes her come across as immature and short sighted.

Since I started my post with "Speaking as a 50 year old man", that's a pretty good guess!

So a 50 year old man in favor of a teenage girl being attracted to him? I do not believe it. Here's my shocked face

January 13, 2013

I'm disappointed in most of the responses you're getting, lisa. He didn't even hit on you and he's being called a perv. You're being told you have daddy issues. Not good.

What's being overlooked is that it's not an age issue here. Exactly the same situation could have occurred and the guy could have been 35. It's that you were taken with a neighbor who you had a chance to casually converse with who is a nice guy and atractive to you, and older. And your question was, is that normal?

I wouldn't say it was common, but I wouldn't call it not normal as if there's a psychological problem. You just had an exposure to someone that impressed you and you were attracted to and it's normal to feel comforted by being with someone like that.

But a sad thing about this is that he knows how young you are and probably would keep his distance to protect your feelings, that's how nice guys are. I can't say he wouldn't give in if there were temptation but he wouldn't string you along telling you there's a relationship when there isn't and can't be.

And some of that is probably why you feel so comfortable with him. You will meet someone like that only a few years older some day, not quite as mature but someone you respect and who respects you. But it won't be with other young college boys in mixers where they're mixing.

Hope to hear more from you on what develops.

Edited January 13, 2013 by outsidethebox

January 13, 2013

Well lets take this from another angle. The original poster may be only seeing boys her age as "frat boys" because, if her uni has a strong greek system and culture most of them are in a frat or want to be in a frat or act like they are in a frat.

A suggestion for her might be to look at the men who are older but not quite 50. There are non traditional undergraduate men of all ages. Grad students are usually older by at least two years and can be of any age. Plus they at least have a degree in something. Plus their being a grad student on campus has a certain cachet, both in perception, and actual privileges.

One thing I will warn you of is this.

Certain people, maybe even some of your young "friends" won't know how to handle you dating a older man and may act nasty about it.

January 13, 2013

Why does he automatically have to be a "biker dude"? What happened to good young men? What's interesting to me about the younger woman/older man thing is the younger woman often cites "men my age are so immature", but in reality, her saying that, just screams immaturity on her part, because she's being prejudiced against people her own age. The fact that the OP only cites "frat boys" as her reasoning just further brings that point home. There are plenty of good, mature young men out there. Her inability to see that makes her come across as immature and short sighted.

Because the biker dude is a cliched example of the "inappropriate guy" that teenage girls get crushes on.

I think you're personalizing this issue. We get it: you think all 18 year old girls should want you. But this has nothing to do with you. The OP doesn't know you an lives on the other side of the country, iirc.

And since you're neither a middle aged man nor a young woman, how exactly do you know that the OP's crush is "weird"? You want it to be weird because you want to shame other people into behaving in a way that favors you, but that doesn't make it weird.

So a 50 year old man in favor of a teenage girl being attracted to him? I do not believe it. Here's my shocked face

I'm not in favor of it. We're not voting on whether we want it to be true, we're discussing what happens in the real world. That's where the flaw in your argument lies.

January 13, 2013

Would we consider it normal for a 50 year old man to want to date and have crushed on a girl fresh out of high school?

I'd say most people would consider it creepy, works both ways IMO

January 13, 2013

You want it to be weird because you want to shame other people into behaving in a way that favors you, but that doesn't make it weird.[/Quote]

You want it to be normal because you want to encourage other people into behaving in a way that favors you, but that doesn't make it normal.

I'm not in favor of it. We're not voting on whether we want it to be true, we're discussing what happens in the real world. That's where the flaw in your argument lies.

The reality is most young women like older men, certainly. But older as in 20s and 30s, not 50 year olds with families. I've seen it. Lived it. I've seen girls my age date men in their 30s. Never seen a girl my age look twice at a man in his 50's. This girl is not even of legal drinking age, yes it is weird she finds a man that old attractive. It's not within the norm. I'm not saying she's wrong for it, or has serious issues, I'm just saying her definition of what's attractive is not in the norm for a girl her age.

January 13, 2013

You want it to be normal because you want to encourage other people into behaving in a way that favors you, but that doesn't make it normal.

No, I couldn't care less. I certainly don't want to date an 18 year old. I just know it happens and there's nothing wrong with it.

The reality is most young women like older men, certainly. But older as in 20s and 30s, not 50 year olds with families. I've seen it. Lived it. I've seen girls my age date men in their 30s. Never seen a girl my age look twice at a man in his 50's. This girl is not even of legal drinking age, yes it is weird she finds a man that old attractive. It's not within the norm. I'm not saying she's wrong for it, or has serious issues, I'm just saying her definition of what's attractive is not in the norm for a girl her age.

So 35 is okay? Or 40? How about 49? Where is the magic line at which you will grant a woman permission to be attracted to someone?

And how do you know how old someone is by just looking at them? And how do you read the minds of every woman in the world to know what men they are attracted to?

January 13, 2013

No, I couldn't care less. I certainly don't want to date an 18 year old. I just know it happens and there's nothing wrong with it.

So 35 is okay? Or 40? How about 49? Where is the magic line at which you will grant a woman permission to be attracted to someone?

And how do you know how old someone is by just looking at them? And how do you read the minds of every woman in the world to know what men they are attracted to?

Dude, look. The title of the thread is "is it normal to want an older man?", with the girl being 18 and the man in question being 50. The answer is "no, not really".

If you took a poll of high school seniors/college freshman and asked "What age group of men do you feel attracted to the most?" and you had 18-20, 21-25, 25-30, 30-35, 35-40, 40-45, 50+; are you honestly saying there would be a significant amount of votes for 50+? I'd argue no. Most people, of both sexes, prefer to date within their age range, plus or minus 5 years.

If she came in saying "Hi, I'm 18 and my boyfriend is 50--she would be lambasted by men and women of all ages. That gap is too huge. It isn't normal. Plain and simple. Again, not saying it's wrong, not saying she's a head case--I'm simply answering the question. Is it normal to want an older man? Not that old, or, not an age gap that large, no. It's not normal. How many 50 year old/18 year old relationships have you seen?

January 13, 2013

So 35 is okay? Or 40? How about 49? Where is the magic line at which you will grant a woman permission to be attracted to someone?

There's no equation for attraction, but there is a general one for creepiness. I think the rule is the older guy's age divided by 2, plus 7 = the min. age of woman he can date. So a 30 year old guy can date women who are 22 and up.

January 13, 2013

Who is 'we' and 'most people?' Obviously this is pure speculation, and at best, a very poorly informed guess on your part.

Needless to say, it's rather arrogant and presumptuous to speak for all of humanity. How many people have you talked to about this? Oh yeah, zero.

People can pick up on social norms quite easily. You don't see many fresh out of high school girls dating someone old enough to be their dad. When young girls in their 20s marry someone who is in their 60s or older it is bashed by society and a lot of people seem to see it as a money grab (well at least in the cases where the old guy is super rich).

Similar topics have come up among my friends, and the biggest accepted gap is around 10-15 years, not 30 years

January 14, 2013

I go to college in Boston and I'm 18.*

There's a guy who lives in my building and I think he's really cute. He's very tall, athletic looking, I really like his nice blue eyes and big strong hands. I've said "hi" to him a few times and we have talked a little bit while waiting for the train together. He seems to be very intelligent and polite. He mentioned being recently divorced and having three small children in New York.

I really feel attracted to him. He is smart, funny, looks amazing when he's jogging and he's good to his kids - visits every week. He was a computer programmer however when the economy tanked he switched to nursing.

However I think he's about 50. He has mainly grey hair, but I think grey hair is kind of hot. No noticeable baldness!

Is this normal or am I really weird? Have other women ever felt like this about a man who could be her father?*

He just seems a lot more interesting to me than these college guys who want to go out and get drunk every night. I'm sick of hooking up with some guy and then seeing him two days later talking to another girl. I want a boyfriend, not a stupid frat boy!

Ok, as a girl around your age, I'm going to give you my perspective. I'm 23. I went to college for four years and am about to start my 3rd year in the workplace.

Yes, I hear what you're saying about college guys. It's a generalisation, but some of them, compared to some older men, they appear to be immature, selfish and ill-mannered. That's where the attraction to older men comes in. They do seem more confident, more intelligent, and usually have better manners. I have been attracted to a couple of older men; the first was when I was 16 and my teacher was 34. The second was a guy I worked with for a year - I was 22 and he was 49. And married. I fell for him pretty hard and was attracted to him physically and personality-wise. He was always helpful, we had lots of similar interests, was well-mannered and a great father to his kids. He had no grey hair, was 6ft tall and obviously worked out. Most of the women at our work had a bit of a crush on him, actually.

Anyway, nothing ever happened with either of these men. I've thought about it a lot over the years - the reason why I was attracted to these men. For a long time I felt really weird about being attracted to them. Especially the 49 year old, whose wife went to college with my dad! I have a great relationship with my dad, so no 'father issues' there.

To answer your original question: no, it's probably not "normal" to be attracted to a guy old enough to be your father. I've only told my best friend about the guys I've liked and she has been quite critical of me.

The way I see it, I was probably attracted to qualities that these particular men possessed. But realistically, I would not want to be in a relationship with someone that old. Sure, they can be attractive and have great qualities. But I don't want to start my life with someone who has already done all the most exciting things! Once I realised the reality of that, I decided to "go looking" for a guy closer to my age who possessed those qualities. I joined a mixed sports team and also signed up to an online dating site. I've only met with one guy, but he's 22 and seems to be polite, kind, and mature. I don't know how things will go (we've only been on 3 dates so far) but I've stopped 'noticing' older men so much.

So, from a girl who can see things from your perspective very clearly, hope you can take my experiences on board and it'll help you figure out what you want.

January 14, 2013

Set your limit at 5 years older. When you reach 25 you can go 10 years older. This will save you lots of trouble in the long run.

January 14, 2013

Would we consider it normal for a 50 year old man to want to date and have crushed on a girl fresh out of high school?

I'd say most people would consider it creepy, works both ways IMO

It doesn't. Incase you didn't notice 50 year old men should not be on the same maturity level as 18 year old girls. 50 year old men should have more behind them then a freshly out of high school girl enjoying her years of college. This means that th 50 year old is more responsible since he has more life experience. This does not mean that the 18 year old has no responsibilities at all. But since the 50 year old has a better vantage point, then yes, he is more responsible and him crushing on 18 year olds is creepy.

I would hope that more men would encourage to explore the word she is invested in right now. The world she will only have 4 years to explore. The world that we enable her to improve social skills with men her own age and her peers instead of encouraging her to be with someone 30 years her senior who has been there and done that for decades.

Having relationships with your peers at that age is REALLY important. Having relationships with 50 year olds at that age isn't.

January 14, 2013

You want it to be normal because you want to encourage other people into behaving in a way that favors you, but that doesn't make it normal.

The reality is most young women like older men, certainly. But older as in 20s and 30s, not 50 year olds with families. I've seen it. Lived it. I've seen girls my age date men in their 30s. Never seen a girl my age look twice at a man in his 50's. This girl is not even of legal drinking age, yes it is weird she finds a man that old attractive. It's not within the norm. I'm not saying she's wrong for it, or has serious issues, I'm just saying her definition of what's attractive is not in the norm for a girl her age.

It looks like a lot of people on this thread what to encourage what other people should think is 'normal". Hence the reason so many men are always trying to push that older men are "better" or that this young girl should "go after it" if she wants it. They don't care about this girl. They care about the fact that they are a man, and they haven't really grown any to really appreciate women, and thus, think there is something really great about some 18 year old crushing on someone older.

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Is it normal to want an older man?

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