brighter101 Posted August 20, 2004 Posted August 20, 2004 On Wednesday I found out that my boyfriend is taking a job offer in another country. He had known since Monday but said he didn't want to tell me because he wasn't sure what to do. He said he hadn't formally accepted but I knew right away (and I was right) that he was set on going. We've had a rough time in the last 2+ years we've been together but we both know that we really love each other. In his words, "it's the good things about us that is keeping me here." He had been overseas for over a year before but he came back this year saying "he wanted to work on things." We both have been trying to work on it, but I feel like we need more time. And his leaving would disrupt things. The more we talked about it the more it became clear that he's set on leaving, and I'm really heartbroken. What about his promises of he wasn't going anywhere, that he wanted to work on this together? I told him that if he left again then I couldn't be with him. Even my friends say he's fickle and doesn't seem to know what he wants, he comes, he goes, he's broken up with me several times because of fights before. He said he wants to see if maybe with the space things will get better, but how can things get better if you aren't together working things out? It's not real, and it's easier to idealize a partner when they're far away. I've been in long distance relationships before, and I found this was the case. I'm even more upset because he didn't make an effort to try find a job locally; he just spoke to some friends and decided there was nothing for him here. I told him if he was serious about us he'd try and stay. He seemed to want me to wait, but I put my foot down and said if you're leaving then I can't be with you. I said I want someone who will be there for me, not someone who keeps coming and going as he pleases when things get rough. So yesterday, I broke up with him. We both cried a lot. We spent one last night together and then parted ways. He's leaving in less than a month. The tough part is, I still really love him. We agreed that we would speak again end of the year, to see how things go. But I hate the thought that he might meet someone else. I didn't want to lose him. Was there another way to handle this? I myself don't want anyone else. I just feel like for the sake of my self-respect and dignity I needed to end it here. In the past I was the one asking him back. Now I'm trying to be stronger. Did I do the wrong thing? I'm so hurt, and I miss him him already even though it's just been one day. And I know the worst of the break up pain is yet to come. Please help.
sami Posted August 20, 2004 Posted August 20, 2004 If that job job overthere is a good one, let him give it a try. You may well join here there later. Just relax and be happy about it.
Author brighter101 Posted August 20, 2004 Author Posted August 20, 2004 Hi Sami, I know, I'm trying to be happy for him but I'm also really sad he's leaving. The thing is I can't join him right now. He did say maybe when we both got better and less volatile then maybe one day i could join him, but he's changed his mind about such things more times than I can remember. And would you wait around and hold up your life based on a maybe? The most I can do is maybe visit him or he might visit me. But since we've broken up now, I guess that's beside the point. I just wish he had at least tried (!) to find something here. He said the money isn't great but the experience would be good for him. On top of that, he said the guy he'd be working with is kind of shady.
rukallstar Posted August 20, 2004 Posted August 20, 2004 I agree. I always believe that the person who earns significantly more, should take the best job and the other person should come along. For me working is not just for me, but to provide for my eventual family and that I am not taking the best job just for my ego gratification but for the team. i'm realistic enough that i haven't reached a point where i have complete control over my career, i'm a few years away and then would be happy to accomodate geographical preference. let's face it, if you really love someone, you can be happy anywhere. has he invited you to come? would you go? it can be an adventure? can you find a job you can be happy with over seas? i'm in a similar boat that long distance has torn my relationship apart, but i'm getting a great job and the girl that i was with is a painter, who has just dropped out of her mfa program. now she's dressing manequins, while i will be making close to six figures. finding a job like that is not the easiest thing, it will be in three years and if you love someone you should be willing to make sacrifices. not life-long sacrifices, it's give and take. i wish you the best, but i always feel in the career establishment phase, the person who has distinctly more earning potential should take the best job that they can and have the other person come along for the ride. after the career is firmly established goegraphy can become much more of a concern. is he very well-established in his career or is he just entering that phase? there is a big difference. hope this helps
sami Posted August 21, 2004 Posted August 21, 2004 If you alreay broke up then why are you concerned. Just move on with your life. Good luck my friend.
Author brighter101 Posted August 22, 2004 Author Posted August 22, 2004 I still love him, and he still loves me. But the distance is going to be too much. I guess I'm being optimistic that maybe someday, when we're both more settled into our careers, and if we're closer geographically, we'll get back together. Rukallstar, I really appreciate your insight, especially on the career aspect. It makes me feel better about the situation. He is just starting out, not established. He's trying to enter a new field, in fact. Sami, Thanks for the luck, but moving on is always easier said than done, isn't it?
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