2nd date - he was too clingy

[toomuch70]

So I met a guy online. We are both in our 40s. We talked and texted for at least a week before meeting and we both were excited to meet. I asked him to plan our first meet and told him not to get too fancy (and also said I'd be perfectly content to just meet for coffee). He went above and beyond (a couples cooking class, but said he had always wanted to do it). It was fun. We later went for drinks to talk and get to know each other some more. There was a bit of hand holding at the table (he initiated) and it felt comfortable. Date ended, kiss at car which didn't seem inappropriate. We talked about meeting the next nite as this was the only time I would have available for the next week.

 

We talked the next day, made plans and he picked me up for date #2. Upon walking in to my house, he gave me a kiss (appropriate). Then, we drove to the restaurant, he held my hand in the car (again, he initiated), then he kissed me again before we got out of the car (this is where I started to feel like he needed to back off). Service was very slow and as we had drinks, I had my hands on the table ... anytime I did, he would grab them. I didn't know how to politely tell him to back off so I said nothing. A few times, he commented if I was tired (I guess the look on my face changed at this point).

 

I like an affectionate guy as much as the next girl, but he seriously would not stop touching my hand (either holding or just stroking). A couple of times (like the night before) would have been sweet, but it just seemed to go on and on. Dinner came. Then a long time until the check came. Again, same thing. If I finally extricated my hand from the table, then he'd ask if I was cold.

 

I was tired as I had worked earlier in the day, so I planned on a quick get away when he dropped me off. This guy is very nice and I think would be great if he would just back off but just not sure how to tell him nicely (without offending him) that it's just too much.

 

Also on the drive home, we passed a restaurant that we were both familiar and he casually suggested going there sometime. I agreed (as I do think there could be potential there). But then he asked if this means we are now "dating" and if he can call me his girlfriend. Awkward.

 

My life is very busy, raising my 2 kids, working full time and going to school part time. I told him I am not sure how much time I have to date and of course he replied that I am worth the wait, he's a patient person and doesn't want to look for others to date.

 

At home, I told him I was tired and was going to call it a night. He kissed me again, appropriate for a second date and didn't push coming in. He texted me which he got home (hour away) that he hoped I slept well and would text me the next day when he woke up. Then when I woke this morning, he had emailed me a poem at 2 am (3 hours after dropping me off) he read that reminded him of me (talking about new love, growing feelings, etc.).

 

Not sure if I should run for the hills and have a heart-to-heart with him and tell him he is moving way too fast. Advice please.

[soccerrprp]

Do him and especially yourself a favor and have the talk. Let him know how you feel. He's either going to oblige because he really likes you or he's going move on and he was not worth it.

 

He sounds a little like me, frankly. Wouldn't have done the cooking class like that, but I am affectionate and gauge how much of that I am willing to show by how my date responds.

 

If you like him, let him know that and tell him how you really feel.

[Balzac]

What did your profile state you were looking for?

[sid3]

I suggest you run!

[toomuch70]

Both of our profile were similar in that we are looking to start as friends and LTR with the right person. He seems to have bypassed the "starting as friends" bit.

 

His behavior I think would be more appropriate for 3-4, maybe 6 dates in. Again, I like being affectionate but it was just too much when we are (or should be) trying to get to know each other and figuring out if we are a good fit.

 

and the poem thing. yeah, freaking me out.

[LucieLocket]

yeah he does seem a little over the top. have a talk and if you have a 3rd date, that will make or break how he is. good luck

[ChatroomHero]

You need to tell him he is coming on way too strong too fast and you did have fun but he needs to slow down a lot.

 

I would judge him on his reaction and then decide accordingly. If his reaction is over the top or he doesn't change, run.

[StanMusial]

It's because you met online. He knows you are being chased by hundreds of online suitors and he likes you so he wants to lock you in before someone better looking emails you and you disappear.

[Casablanca]

Both of our profile were similar in that we are looking to start as friends and LTR with the right person. He seems to have bypassed the "starting as friends" bit.

 

His behavior I think would be more appropriate for 3-4, maybe 6 dates in. Again, I like being affectionate but it was just too much when we are (or should be) trying to get to know each other and figuring out if we are a good fit.

 

and the poem thing. yeah, freaking me out.

Well, at least for me, when I see "start as friends" just means nothing sexual for a bit, but handholding and kissing is on the table, though that was a lot IMO on a second date. I had a second date last night, I did put my hand on her knee during the movie and put my arm around her walking to the car, and then a good night kiss....

 

I'd just tell him that he is moving a little quickly physically for your likes, but that you still like him and want to see him more.

 

Also on the drive home, we passed a restaurant that we were both familiar and he casually suggested going there sometime. I agreed (as I do think there could be potential there). But then he asked if this means we are now "dating" and if he can call me his girlfriend. Awkward.

I can only imagine the awkwardness there...the woman I'm talking too have also talked about doing things in the future like trying a restaurant or an exhibit, but that is it...way too early for labels.

 

What did you say when he asked that?

[toomuch70]

I tried to laugh it off and said he could call me whatever he wanted ... but I also said with my being so busy with school and all I completely understood if he kept his options open ... to which he replied that I am worth the wait.

 

We did talk today and it seemed to go really well. But then talking tonight on phone and he tells me he misses me (several times). Ugh. Just doesn't get it so unfortunately I am going to have to end it.

[Enema]

His behavior I think would be more appropriate for 3-4, maybe 6 dates in. Again, I like being affectionate but it was just too much when we are (or should be) trying to get to know each other and figuring out if we are a good fit.

 

On about what # date do you sleep with someone?

[Axee]

Hey dont end it .. It can be a bit overwhelming but talk to him in a dimplomatic way that you are a lady who needs space etc..

 

He seems to be a nice guy.. emotional but nice...

[toomuch70]

On about what # date do you sleep with someone?

 

not sure if you're asking because you're thinking we had sex. We did not. Just casual hugs and light kissing. I shudder to think how attached he might feel if we had done anything else.

[toomuch70]

Hey dont end it .. It can be a bit overwhelming but talk to him in a dimplomatic way that you are a lady who needs space etc..

 

He seems to be a nice guy.. emotional but nice...

 

Thing is I already talked to him about wanting to slow things down, take time to get to know each other without worrying about labels and such. Told him one of the things I liked about his profile (prior to meeting) was that he wanted to be friends first and that was important to me. He replied that he didn't want to do anything to screw things up with me and it was worth taking time to "do it right". Then after this (just a few hours later) the "i miss you, I just want to be with you" said not just once but several times.

[FitChick]

I feel sorry for him. He probably read that women like romance and men must be affectionate and let a woman know he likes her. Tell him you like him but because you have limited time everyday, you worry he might need more attention than you'd be able to give and you'd hate to disappoint him. Why not suggest YOU be the one to always initiate?

Edited January 14, 2013 by FitChick

[Enema]

not sure if you're asking because you're thinking we had sex. We did not. Just casual hugs and light kissing. I shudder to think how attached he might feel if we had done anything else.

 

No, I noticed you said the type of PDA's he was showing was more appropriate for around the 6th date.

 

So, I was wondering on average, how many dates it takes you before you sleep with someone. If you're particularly prudish or something.

[walfootrot2]

He sounds insecure to me. Really insecure, I would back off and probably stop seeing him. If he asks why, I would tell him. Perhaps he could take that information, get the help he needs and do better dating in the future.

[Lani]

I think you should tell him he's being too much.

I was once seeing a guy, who was texting and calling me heaps, and it was too much for me and I freaked out. I said something to him about it, and it turns out he thought that was what I wanted, and that he doesn't really like doing that sort of thing but liked me and didn't want to lose me.

I had actually considered not seeing him again because of it, but luckily I brought up the issue instead. We ended up being together for a year, and broke up for completely different reasons.

I know it's a different situation, but it reminded me that sometimes guys do what they think we want, because they don't know otherwise.

Give him the opportunity to tone things down a little, or at least offer an explanation.

[rocketman122]

when I did OLD I was very quick to see the situation youre in and simply walked away. they all said, I want something serious and LTR but really those women were looking for something casual.

 

I believe he wants something fully on. its obvious you dont have time to invest in a date 2-3 times a week and youre looking for someone to entertain you when you have holes in your schedule. I dont believe in the "lets see how things go and progress from there" you cant build a relationship if you date once a week. thats my opinion. I get "cold" if I dont see the person after a few days. especially in the beginning.

 

I was looking for women who are looking to invest. I also think if you were really attracted to him then the affection wouldnt be a problem. but youre currently looking for something casual and he isnt. im talking about just sex but Its obvious you wont be able to give him enough time.

 

Im a very affectionate person myself. if a person is not like me, I move on. if you like him, talk to him. if he's patient then he will wait. you have something good here, but personally I would have caught this right away and not called. it seems at this current state you both simply want different things. it doesnt mean he's not right for you. you also are not right for him.

[mtber75]

I notice that people on OLD are VERY quick to judge if your potential partner or not...That's why the OP's guy came on as so strong so fast. This way he can quickly judge if your relationship material by literally feeling you out. Under a normal dating rituals, you would date 2 or more times before committing to anything more serious. But with OLD, people are fickle. I have a feeling if you have a talk with him about going too fast, he'll get hurt and bail on you! Of course this is my opinion.