Cam116 Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 There's a similar thread to this floating around, and I'm really interested if anyone has opinions on not going NC.I'm in sort of a weird situation with this whole "should I/should I not contact him". You can find my BU story under my profile. Long story short, we were together for 5 years, feelings faded for him and he doesn't know why, and wants to be on his own for a while. Still loves me, but is not in love with me, yadda yadda yadda. We both still care about one another immensely, and have handled this whole break-up with class and understanding. My problem is, we never had an agreement on contacting one another. I've been trying to go NC (advice given to me), but he has called me several times to chat. After these calls, I would go back to NC because I don't know if I should be contacting him. To be honest, I feel deep down that in our situation, NC is the wrong choice. We have been able to communicate with one another on several occasions as friends without any awkwardness. I've been feeling the strongest urge to call him to chat over the past few days, but everyone keeps saying to not do that. But deep down I feel like I should! He has always been open and honest, and has always talked to me when I had a question for him after the BU. Like I said, we've both been a class act because we both still care deeply for one another. On one hand, I'm hoping NC will get him to realize how much he still cares (he told me last week there are times that he misses me immensely and wants to call me, but feels like he shouldn't), but on the other hand I really feel like communication is key. We made an agreement last week that we would meet up for lunch on the last Saturday of the month, just to see how we interact with each other so we know how to go forward with being friends. I've been handling the BU very well, have had more good days than bad. It's still a roller coaster, but I'm doing pretty well. Has anyone ever felt that having contact is BETTER than NC?
gullibleme Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 I think what your explaining is just all part of the beginning of the end...I've been there...we kept talking and he would ask me on a date and we would catch up over text a few times.....eventually it was just a means to help him move on and I felt in a state of limbo and began questioning where we stood, he still wanted to be on his own and he would say "we were the right love at the wrong time" and "maybe someday..." All I can say is only you know your man and what really may be going on You will most likely get to the point of feeling frustrated and lead on, just be wary of that and if you can bare it then go slow...we broke up and got back together three times in a year and a half and it was never over an argument...just his feelings... do what your GUT tells you. If I had listened to my GUT I would have done NC.
Gottabestrong Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 Dear Cam, I'd say it depends on why you two broke up. According to your post it is because his feelings faded and he wants to be on his own for a while. Well, now it is your choice. Do you want to hang around as his 'friend' and help him get over the breakup with a person he surely still cares for a lot, or do you want to walk away and focus on yourself and let him miss you? The disadvantage of staying in touch with him is that it will prolong your healing if you two don't get back together and it will shorten his as he still has you there to talk to when he misses you and wants to see you. The advantage of it is that you still have him in your life albeit not as your boyfriend. It is your decision to do what is best. I know that in my case I have always tried to stay in touch at first, but finally had to break all contact - at least for a while - after a few weeks or months because it was just too painful for me to have the person I love still right there, but not there anymore in the way I want them. If you know what I mean. Good luck with whatever you decide to do!
cavalier99 Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 Unfortunately the only thing going on is you are prolonging the end. You only feel semi ok because you are holding on to some false hope and the finality of it all hasn't set in. This is normal but you will soon realize it is over and you cant be friends with the dumper until you recover and that could be quite a while. I vote NC now. But most of us find out the hard way that it is truly truly over after being strung along for a bit before we let go of hope. I guarantee a month form now you will be hardcore NC and wishing you stared now. Sorry for your breakup. They suck. But is does get better ....when you kill all hope of getting back and stay NC.
Author Cam116 Posted January 13, 2013 Author Posted January 13, 2013 There are times when I'm completely aware that it's over, but then the roller coaster starts up again. This NC just doesn't feel right deep down. I feel like communication is so important, and we've both made it clear to one another that we don't want to lose eachother completely from our lives. He seemed genuinely interested in my life that last few times we talked. uuggghhh I don't know what to do! Wish I could see the future. Can't understand why this is happening to me
cavalier99 Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 Yeah it sucks. NC never feels right at 1st. This was the person you shared everything with confided in, celebrated with..blah blah blah etcetera etcetera. ..so cutting the cord is sooo difficult and unnatural. Unfortunately you don't heal until you sever it. This is tough to hear..but he is fine deep down. You are hurt. The more contact with him.. he get better and over you..and you get worse. YOU ARE BEING USED. He isn't necessarily doing it on purpose but that is the end result. I mean he thinks..your ok..because she still wants to be friends..so it isn't bad for her. I'm such a nice guy! ..after tearing your heart out.
Author Cam116 Posted January 13, 2013 Author Posted January 13, 2013 Yeah he told me during our last conversation that he feels like he sets me back every time he calls me. I told him it didn't really set me back, it actually made me feel better because I knew he wasn't totally gone from my life. Would contact keep me from moving on? I don't think it would. It's harder for me to think that he's forgotten about me, even though I know that's not the case because he said he does miss me. I won't be ready for another relationship for a looong time, but I'm not opposed to going out and meeting guys. I already have. But I just hate losing my best friend
cavalier99 Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 But I just hate losing my best friend Sorry...You already did. We all lost our best friend. If you can keep contact and recover your stronger than 99% of us. I just think that underlying this idea of friendship ...is the desire hope to get back together. And this hope will keep you paralyzed until you truly accept it is over. When he starts dating and telling you about his new girlfriend and what they are doing this weekend are you going to still want to be friends and be happy to listen and be there for him. When he gets engaged will you celebrate with him? That is what friends do right?
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