newme9 Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 I just found out my stbxh used the non-contact-rule on me and blocked my number and probably filtered my email since i havent heard from him after my attempt at saying happy holidays. i texted him today to see how he was doing adn it was blocked. Does the NCR apply in divorce. to me it seems very mean spirited and sad coming from someone who once promised to be there and love for the rest of our lives. especially since he was the one that wanted the divorce, a quick one, and we kept it amicable and i made it easy for him by filing in my state where we got married even though i didnt want to, i paid for it when i have no money for it, and i didnt ask for alimony because i dont believe he should support me. in giving him everything he wants by makign ti super easy to divorce me because i just want both of us to be happy and if it means separately i have accepted that and weve been uncomfortable but friendly with one another. and now this? men, is it cause hes annoyed with me and really just wants nothing to do with me or is he just in a bad place? i feel like the ncr rule shouldnt apply to once married couples because theres so much significance in that union and partnership that the other person deserves some respect, dignity and love even in parting ways. can anyone bring to light why this would happen? thanks in advance
Gunny376 Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 Well its hard to say one way or the other without direct input from the STBXH? It could be that he's that in-different, that he's strictly enforcing the NCR as a check-mate measure for one reason or the other, there are any number of different variables that could be plugged into the equation? I think the answer is that your looking at this through the persepctive of a woman ~ aka ~ a woman's mind. (BTW, you can have male anatomy and have one of those ~ and or part of one ~ vice versa ~ which can make you any variation when it comes to sexual attracton etc) Women's brains are just wired diffrently than men's. I think that you need to pull back and re-group as you seem to me to hanging yourself up on a "Lover's Cross" ~ a common thing when it comes to seperation / divorce. Climb back down off that SOB~ You'll regret it later!
Author newme9 Posted January 14, 2013 Author Posted January 14, 2013 i think we are not right for one another. i am in teh end a much better person now for goign through the pain. i just want to remain friends for whatever reason but i guess being friends is not that important. i have been able to separate the husband from the best friend and though we are not right as partners, we were best friends. so i miss that and was hoping for that back but because he left me i thin khe is under the impression taht i have ulterior motives. so i just want to get an insight to why people do this ncr or trying to figure out my stbxh's reasoning behind this so i can be a better friend to him in the future or let go of the idea taht we will ever be friends again.
BetrayedH Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 I definitely think it is hard for us to speak for your ex. I can say that it is very difficult to detach from an ex. The more you stay attached to them, well, the more you stay attached. Sometimes a clean break (NC) is simply the fastest way to detach and move on with your life. As for maintaining a friendship, some do but I think it's rare. He probably thinks he sent a clear message to you by divorcing you and doesn't then feel guilty because he already did the hard part and is now just following thru. Sorry, it hurts and trust me, I get that. I recommend you simply look forward to your next life and assume that it no longer involves him. Probably best anyway; he sounds like a douchebag.
Yasuandio Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 I just found out my stbxh used the non-contact-rule on me and blocked my number and probably filtered my email since i havent heard from him after my attempt at saying happy holidays. i texted him today to see how he was doing adn it was blocked. The underlied could be interpeted in one of a few ways. The most obvious, and in light of the rest of this post), is that he has achieved the divorce arrangement on his terms, and does not want anything to do with you at all - no contact. Therefore, he has shut down all lines of communication. I am sorry to put this so bluntly, but it could be true for now. Another, interpretation - could be that the man seems to have gone through exeptional trouble to do all this blocking. He had to perhaps buy a block system for his phone through the cellular company - and then make a conscious effort to configure the method to block out your phone numbers. Technically - this is a useless pursuit - because if you wanted to dial him up, you could simply call from a different phone number, duh? Therefore - if he REALLY doesn't want you to reach him by phone or text - his most successful and reliable choice to deny your phone/text access to him would have been to get a completely new number. Another interpretation is that he is just playing around with your mind just to see what you will do. In this case, he might just "get off" on the power trip of you pining after him, leaving messages, VM's, Texts, etc. When he does not answer - and you keep reaching out - he is in the cat bird seat, and you are left wondering (and writing posts like this on LS). Another possiblity, he is mixed up, hiding, and/or hurting - and has closed off the steel walls to his heart. Don't even try to open them - it is impossible to do this once a man has closed these doors. He must sulk alone. He cannot deal with the emotional fall-out, period. My dear, since he wanted the divorce, this is the least likly possibility - so don't hitch your star to this one. Finially - it could be a combination of any of the above - or something I have not even thought of. Does the NCR apply in divorce. Yes. Especially since he wants the divorce - and he is the one that does not want contact with you. NC is the best way to preserve your dignity and get on with your life without him. to me it seems very mean spirited and sad coming from someone who once promised to be there and love for the rest of our lives. Divorce means your marriage promise and contract is broken, null and void. The promise to be there to love one another the rest of your lives is no longer a part of the equasion when divorce is on the table. You must stop expecting this. I know it is very difficult. especially since he was the one that wanted the divorce, a quick one, and we kept it amicable and i made it easy for him by filing in my state where we got married even though i didnt want to, i paid for it when i have no money for it, and i didnt ask for alimony because i dont believe he should support me. in giving him everything he wants by makign ti super easy to divorce me because i just want both of us to be happy and if it means separately i have accepted that and weve been uncomfortable but friendly with one another. and now this? It was your choice to conduct the divorce in this manner. I do not know if the divorce is completed or not. But I will tell you this was not a wise choice. As you see - bending over backwards, to the point of perhaps overlooking your own interests, has not given any pay-off that you desired and hoped for. If anything, the oppisite reaction to your (perhaps unrealistic) expectatations has occured. men, is it cause hes annoyed with me and really just wants nothing to do with me or is he just in a bad place? i feel like the ncr rule shouldnt apply to once married couples because theres so much significance in that union and partnership that the other person deserves some respect, dignity and love even in parting ways. A divorce settlement is a business matter that divides the partnership/union as fairly as possible. It has little to do with respect, dignity, and love. You have a perfect right to be an active participant in desolving the partnership - and you have a right to speak up, and, if necessary, you can have your day in Court. I am sorry, this is the cold, hard reality. can anyone bring to light why this would happen? thanks in advance I would go by your gut impression, as stated in the last paragraph in your post. you husband is annoyed, and wants nothing to do with you for now as is indicated by his NC behavior. When someone doesn't want contact with you, you must respect that and turn away. It is very hard - because NC is a deep form of rejection. And the most painful rejection we could ever receive from the person we loved and cherished is to be shunned with silence. Return the silence, and put your attention onto yourself. You must disengage, and read and heed all the literature on NC. I hope these comments help you make sense of this. Yas 1
Author newme9 Posted January 15, 2013 Author Posted January 15, 2013 Thanks BetrayedH, i though you made good comments. really appreciate it. Yasuandio- thanks as well. i am not too hurt by it as i know the divorce was hard on him as well. i am more upset at losing my best friend, not husband as i can separate the two. but youre right. no point in reaching out anymore. i did my part in trying to be a grown up and civil about it. just wanted to get my head around it for future reference on how men/people think. ps its quite easy to block phones. on your smart phone you can go to contacts and it has the option to block contact. fyi.
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