HaveFaithxx Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 I have read hundreds of messages where people write that NC is so difficult. I agree that it is in the beginning, but I really don't understand the urge to contact someone when they are not making any effort to contact you. I mean if someone doesn't contact you, they aren't thinking of you; therefore, they don't care about you very much. So why would you want to contact them? Whenever I catch myself wondering if my ex still thinks about me or misses me, then I think about this old classmate of mine. I have him on facebook, he's a nice enough guy and we hung out after lectures at uni sometimes. That was about three years ago. SInce then I have met him twice. Every few weeks to a month he sends me a message to see how I am doing and wants to chat. Lots of times I ignore him, even though he's a nice person etc I just don't care about him so much. That is how your ex feels about you! I know you are going to say it's different because you were so close, you shared so much, he/she at one point said they wanted to marry you etc.... But feelings change, and for some people really fast. Look around you, people are breaking up all the time, falling in love more than once in their life, 50% of marriages fail etc. Some people are really scared to go completely NC. And it seems here that that means you block them from your email, FB, phone etc. For me that would be really hard; I would go nuts and think about them more. It would also show that person that I care enough to do that. That they are getting to me. I don't have my ex on facebook, but I don't block him from anything. For me it gives me comfort that he can contact me if he wants to. But in order to do this you really have to be strong I guess. Breadcrumbs would hurt, but I don't really look into messages from my ex if he wrote "how are you". It would not get me wondering if he misses me or loves me etc. It just means: "how are you". Almost all my exes have contacted me after some time apart. For most of them, it was to get back together. For some, it was just to apologize. For some, it was just to start a friendship. But all of them regretted breaking up with me. It always took less than a year. When I did finally hear from them, I was happy, because I had moved on and didn't want them back and was happy to become friends with them. But in all cases, I completely left them alone. I would never ignore a message from an ex, even if it hurts. I have read many posts from others saying that they regret breaking up with their ex but are too scared to contact them. For me, the best "revenge" is to act like I am over them. And especially to be as friendly as I can towards them. It really gets to them because they see what a wonderful person they lost. But, it's not easy I admit. I know every situation is different, so what I do can't be applied to other situations. I read that some ex's send texts that they miss you and then you reply and then you don't hear anything back. That is soooo cruel, and nothing I have experienced. I see my ex almost everyday at school. It hurts like hell when I see him still. He avoids eye contact with me, and tries to avoid being in the same room as me. I just let him be. I just tell myself that if he doesn't value me, then he is not worth it. It gets easier. Hope this helps a little. 2
mutant Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 For me the best revenge is not to "act like" but to "actually get" over them. And honestly NC is only easy when applied to your case. I believe most people on LS are dumpees who are often left in an emotional mess by loved ones who they were ready to/ have arleady given pretty much everything for the sake of the relationship. It is not difficult to understand why we would want to contact our exes for "answers" closure or to ask them to reconsider their stand because we dearly loved them. Not to mention some people have kids with their exes, have established ties with the exes families or ex was everything to them from (only real friend to lover). In simple terms we have a difficult time fighting the urge of contacting the ex. Some peple here have even left their contries to a distant land in pursuit for love only to endup disappointed. Thats is why there are many revised guides on how to maintain NC. same reason there are numerous threads from people who cant maintain NC but need assistance to do so.
Author HaveFaithxx Posted January 13, 2013 Author Posted January 13, 2013 Oh, I understand what you are saying. I guess I sound like it's easy because I am getting over him. But, beleive me I have been there too. I have been married and have a child. I even tried to commit suicide etc. I have hit rock bottom and felt like my life is over, even with the most recent break up. But I have learned the hard way that contacting them doesn't do anything, and trying to get closure just pushes them away and makes them lose respect for you even if you deserve it. I was engaged to a guy a few years ago, and he broke up with me "suddenly" (to me) on chat and refused to tell me why. THen he avoided me like the plague. I sent a number of emails, and politely explained that he owed me an explanation and that I couldn't bear that he was ignoring me. I got nothing so I stopped contacting him completely. A year later, he sent me a very long heartfelt apology and wrote that he would understand that I hate him and probably not reply. THis was 3 years ago. A few weeks ago, I read through all those mails that I sent him after the breakup and it seemed so obvious to me, how little he cared, and how useless my messages to him were. With my daughter's father, I had to talk to him all the time, that of course was different. I guess I have just come to the realization that if they don't contact me they care very little about me, and for me that makes it easy not to contact them. 1
MyAngel Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 I disagree with "if someone doesn't contact you, they aren't thinking of you". I think about her all the time yet I have not once contacted her. But I was dumped, so maybe you mean more about dumpers not contacting. Which is probably a fair call in that case. 1
Author HaveFaithxx Posted January 13, 2013 Author Posted January 13, 2013 Yes, I mean the dumpers, in most cases. That is how I am when I have broken up with someone. I do think of my ex non stop. He broke up with me.
notsosuperman Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 Even though I kinda dont want to, I gotta agree with this. NC is really easy, at least for me and where I am now.. In the beggining it was though as hell, but you get used to not talking with that person anymore. When my mind and emotions started to cool down I started to look at all the things differently and began to realise what was best for me.. She reached out to me twice, first time to hear I was and then she said she missed me, I then replied but got no reply back. Stuff like that bugged me.. She would then reach out again a month later asking how I was, and I just replied "I am great, thanks". Now I haven't heard anything in two and a half month and that is actually fine. I am not going to contact her, and my mind is not bugging me and thinking about whether I should text her. I have deleted her number and deleted her of facebook, but not blocked. The best way to get "revenge" is by acting like you are fine. Because by putting that in the atmosphere, not only will they start to believe it, but you will actually start to believe it yourself, that is at least what I have found out. I would liek to point out though, that in these 3½ month since BU, there haven't been ONE single day, where she hasn't be one my mind.. Not one. Just because someone doesn't contact you, doesn't mean they don't think about you, I have just found out what is best for me, and I am going to stick to that, and hopefully, I will be over this soon. I do believe, 100 %, that she does not think about me very often, or even does, and exactly because of that reason I am not going to be sad. I see my ex almost everyday at school and I hate that SO much, but there is not much that I can do about that. Luckily, I am done in 4 months. 3
Author HaveFaithxx Posted January 13, 2013 Author Posted January 13, 2013 notsosuperman, How do you act towards eachother at school? Do you smile and say hi? Do you talk at all? Do you completely ignore eachother? I am asking because I am in the same situation.
notsosuperman Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 (edited) Well, to maybe fully understand why the situation is at it is, I would need to tell you what has happened before that, but to answer your question, I "ignore" her. I pretend that she is not there. I don't look at her, I don't try to get eye contact, I don't smile to her - nothing. She has not made any effort in showing me that she wanted to remain friends, so why should I? She dumped me.. I am not going to "fight" for anything or accept some kind of friendship offer. If she wants me out, that is fine, if she wants to be friends - fine, but god damn, she should not expect me to initiate that. Edited January 13, 2013 by notsosuperman 1
Author HaveFaithxx Posted January 13, 2013 Author Posted January 13, 2013 Oh ok. Im in the same boat.
NoMoreJerks Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 (edited) Agreed. NC is easy for me. I have lots of self-control, especially now, after he abused me and disrespected me so much throughout the relationship, right til the very end, after I gave him everything any man could ever have wanted in a woman... So I decided,when he broke up with me for the 2nd time, I had had enough of his drama and bullsh*t and will not contact him again. Probably won't even respond in case he texts me... I'm on my 22nd day of NC, and I have only had the urge to contact him once (when I got some bad news about my father's health), and ended up not contacting him anyway. I have already deleted his number off my phone, though I have his business card somewhere in my apartment, with his #s on it.. I also have his email address... If I wanted to, I could easily contact him, but I don't want to.. I think the reason NC is difficult for some people is , primarily, the fear that if they do not contact this person, it will set them further apart, and shatter all hope that they might get back together. They're afraid that "out of sight, out of mind", so they want to stay "in sight"... bad idea.. for the dumpee, and for the possibility of reconciliation... During my first break-up (with the same ex), I didn't contact him at all. He did text me about 8 days after the break-up, and said, he hopes we could "at least still be friends." I didn't respond to those texts, though I really wanted to. I didn't know what to say to begin with, though. I felt like it was some sort of a trap. I still wanted him back, so I didn't want to say yes to his friendship offer, and I didn't want to say a full-out no either.. so I figured the best thing to do was to ignore.. He then called me 2 days later, asking me if I had gotten the texts, and when we talked, we both seemed to want to get back together. But I remember, when I got that text, I felt really guilty not responding.. because it was such a "nice" mssg, and I felt bad/sorry for him, because I knew how lonely he was... Part of it was him playing on my feelings, I guess. Or maybe I'm just the "caretaker" / "giver" type who feels guilty about just about everything.. I'm really furious with my ex, but I would never go psycho apesh*t crazy at him and scream at him or tell him mean things. Partly because it would make me feel guilty about it 2 seconds after I do it (and might not have the chance to take it back).. I never do things that I might regret later. I am rarely impulsive. I mean, I am, but I try to exercise self-control because I know that, even if I feel better momentarily by being mean to him and saying what's on my mind, I will feel like crap for weeks and months, because of what I said.. The second reason is that I know that expressing my anger and rage at him, would only serve to validate (in his head) his decision to break up with me. While that was probably not the reason he broke up with me in the first place, I am sure he would then say "she's a psycho, I am glad I dumped her, I dodged a bullet." I don't want to give him that satisfaction, especially that there is no truth to it to begin with... WHen he broke up with me, I was super-depressed and angry, hurt, etc., but I was extremely nice to him, told him I'll let go of him, because I love him and want what is best for him, etc. I meant it, but there was also an element of manipulation (if you canc all it that) in it. I wanted him to regret losing me, and I know he will think he had it so good with me, a few months or even years down the line, and will regret it, even if he feels like he's on top of the world right now. Edited January 13, 2013 by NoMoreJerks 1
NoMoreJerks Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 (edited) For me the best revenge is not to "act like" but to "actually get" over them. And honestly NC is only easy when applied to your case. I believe most people on LS are dumpees who are often left in an emotional mess by loved ones who they were ready to/ have arleady given pretty much everything for the sake of the relationship. It is not difficult to understand why we would want to contact our exes for "answers" closure or to ask them to reconsider their stand because we dearly loved them. Um, so are you saying that people who dearly loved their exes would not go NC, would not want to tell them to reconsider, etc.? I loved my ex more than anyone could ever have loved anyone, but I never contacted him, because he had made up his mind and nothing I said or did could change it. He had dumped me before, and this was the 2nd time. I just couldn't hold on to him out of selfishness. He didn't want it. I couldn't keep him as my "prisoner" - even if I somehow managed to convince him, it wouldn't have felt right. I have done the whole begging, pleading, etc thing before, but it doesn't work. And no, the fact that I didn't do it this time around does not mean I didn't love him. It just means that, at some point, you have to realize that there's nothing you can do when someone has made up their mind unilaterally. If they were the type of person to "reconsider", they wouldn't have unilaterally made up their mind. They would've talked to you about the problems and tried to fix them, instead of taking the childish route and wanting out (assuming they left because of "problems"). Most of the time, people don't leave because of "problems" (even if they pin the blame on you and make up excuses). They leave because they don't feel like being with you anymore. My ex was like this. Were there problems in our relationship? Sure, it was problems galore, but nothing major, just small arguments / issues here and there. And if his heart had been in this relationship in the first place, if he had truly loved me, he would not have given up on this. He just liked me for the sex. Let's face it, there is no convincing when someone implies that in their words and actions... My point is, I was left in an emotional mess, I had given this relationship my all, and I was still dumped , didn't even get proper closure / a proper reason for why it happened (out of the blue), 2 days before Christmas, after a month where he was calling me every day, promising to come visit me, etc. But I went NC right away, and have stuck with it for 22 days now.. It doesn't mean I didn't give a sh*t in the first place, or that I am over him. It means I still have an ounce of self-respect still left in my body, and can exercise some self-control. We are adults, not children. Act like it. Do not throw tantrums and try to get attention from the ex. Exercise some self-control, for heaven's sake! It's pathetic! Edited January 13, 2013 by NoMoreJerks 2
na49 Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 You go girl! You have the right attitude. Sadly, not all of us share that attitude. NC really isn't about them. We know that they don't care. We still care. That's what makes it so difficult. Someone that we love doesn't care about us at all anymore. But, it's not easy I admit So you admit it!
XKatieX Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 I heard someone say on a commercial yesterday: "What you don't know can't hurt you." Then it struck me, this is the whole reason why NC is important. You don't know what they are doing, who they are with, what they are thinking. If we did know these things it would make it that much harder to heal. As much as someone hopes to hear something from their exes, in reality it's probably not something you WANT to hear. 1
LostOne1 Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 I heard someone say on a commercial yesterday: "What you don't know can't hurt you." Then it struck me, this is the whole reason why NC is important. You don't know what they are doing, who they are with, what they are thinking. If we did know these things it would make it that much harder to heal. As much as someone hopes to hear something from their exes, in reality it's probably not something you WANT to hear. agreed! However it makes me wonder about dumpers though.. is it the same for them? I assume they don't want to hear about how good we are doing as well?
MyAngel Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 Same No More jerks!! Same same same! I adored this person and loved her more than I'd ever loved anyone. But she dumped me and told me not to contact so I respected that and I haven't. I still think about her constantly, still love her, still want her. But I am not contacting and trying my best to make it through until my feelings eventually fade. Just because we aren't contacting and begging doesn't mean we didn't love them enough to humiliate ourselves! But hey if I knew 100% that begging would have worked I'd have given it a shot hahaha but oh well, one day I won't feel this bad and I can't wait for that. 1
Author HaveFaithxx Posted January 13, 2013 Author Posted January 13, 2013 So you admit it! Ah, no I meant not contacting them when they haven't contacted me is easy. I guess I didn't explain my situation since we are at school together, there are times that I have to see him or talk to him, and the hard part is smiling and being friendly to him and acting like Im ok.
na49 Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 My ex goes to the same school as me too. I will always risk running into her around campus. How do you suggest I go about this? I can't even handle eye contact with her right now. (or I couldn't last semester, the last time I saw her)
LostOne1 Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 So you admit it! Ah, no I meant not contacting them when they haven't contacted me is easy. I guess I didn't explain my situation since we are at school together, there are times that I have to see him or talk to him, and the hard part is smiling and being friendly to him and acting like Im ok. Well I think it's not that hard. I would just smile and walk by or if you have a class together just sit away and never make eye contact. When I ran into my ex I stared a bit mostly because I was shocked that I ran into her so soon. But now if I did it would be a simple eye contact, smile and walk away. If I'm with friends I'd just crack a good joke and laugh.
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