Learn from my mistake(s)

[l30]

Hello!

 

I was single for almost three years.. March 28th/04 I started my frist serious relationship(lasted 3 months). She was great, nice, smart,pretty,kind,hardworking,funny, honest,.....pretty much everything good. She tried everyday to make sure I was happy. She was so nice that it was easy to take advantage of her, she would do pretty much anything I wanted, and I abused the situation.The relationship was mostly one sided with her going out of her way to make me feel comfortable and loved, and me making her feel insecure,used, and worried that I would dump her on the drop of a dime.

 

My friends tell me that over the years my ego has grown to a point where it's not funny, but more annoying,cocky,and arrogant . When I was younger it took a long time for me to go through puberty, I small and pimpled faced for a long time, I got very very lucky when puberty hit, I went from being 5'4 ,130 lbs to a solid 6'0,210 lbs in about three years at the same time my skin completely cleared,I had ripped abs and I hadnt even gone to a gym yet, I couldn't believe how good a shape I got in so fast and I didn;t even have to try for it. I was happy because I started getting more attention from girls, even though I knew it was superficial(some girls who wouldn't talk to me 2 years previous were hanging off me now). However with the change in body and face my confidence grew to a point where it was no longer healthy and I believed I was God's gift to women.

 

I believe that my girlfriend being kind,generous, nice, combined with my attitude and selfishness were the driving forces in me to not take the proper care in treating her properly. In a twisted way I sort of thought that her making me happy should make her happy(she's so nice that it did to an extent),..."she does get to be seen with with me, and that should be payment enough" where the types of things going through my head.

 

One night after neglecting her for a few days, she called and wanted me to go over to her place, I wanted to play videogames instead , she was getting really hurt that I wasn;t spending any time with her and started sticking up for herself, she did it kindly and explained how she felt very well without being rude or mean,she just wanted to let me know how she felt, I on the other hand responded by being a complete @ZZ and breaking up with her, saying that if I didn't make her feel good then go find another BF..... blah blah blah .....(when I said it I was horrible too, didn;t hold anything back) This was probably the 4 th time I borke up with her in those 3 months, I knew she was wrapped around my finger and I could do whatever I wanted and she would still care for me.

 

As far as I was concerned I was just going to get back together with her in a few days when I felt I wanted her back, The entire week she called and begged for me back, I sort of got off on it ( not sure if it was being in control or knowing how much someone care for me and was hurt, either way it;s not a healthy mindset). I waited and waited and then one night I decided I wanted her back, unfortunately for me it was too late, she was over the hard part and just wanted to be friends, she said she missed me a lot and loved me as a friend and as a person but never as a boyfriend.

 

I freaked, I knew that friendshp was important to her so I threatened to take that away if she didn't date, I threatened to beat up any guy who came close to her, I couldn't handle my anger, I was ready to explode. I was in an uncontrollable state, I actually saw a guy who I thought was her boyfriend and threated to tear him apart, he happened to be a friend of their family and also a doctor(young) He handled me perfectly and instead of leaving angry I left feeling sick to my stomach, I had acted like the bullies who pushed me around when I was young, I felt embarrassed and was lucky that she would even talk to me afterwards.

 

I'm lucky to still be friends with my ex- ,and we talk everyday, I find it hard because I care for her alot and I miss the relationship I let spoil.It's easy for me to get over because I made all the mistakes whereas she was on the receiving end of them.I regret everything that I've done and How I've acted over the past 5 years to girls in general. I lost an amazing girl by hurting her and continuously making her feel small and not letting her in. She meant a lot to me and I still didn't put an inch of effort into the relationship.I have no serious chance to get back with her, but at least I still have a caring friend.

 

I've ben really lucky to have dated so many nice girls and I've never really treated them like they deserved but this is the first time I've actually treated someone poorly, and she was the nicest girlfriend I've ever had.

 

It's been close to two months since we broke up and I still want her back, for the first time in a long time I have no interest in other girls, I wish I had grown up a year earlier(or even better 5 years ealrier) and not played games so I could have been ready for this. I'm left left with a lot of regret, and I cry way more then I'd like to. She's been patient and understanding and has tried to help me through wanting her back( in a way her being so nice makes it tougher) I don't think pushing people away from you and keeping them away from your heart is an easy way to go through life, she managed to make me feel warm and the best I can do for her now is be a good friend.

 

I've been throug a lot of break ups but I usually didn't care that much, I normally just did the hurting. I'm a terrible example of a person because unlie most people I went through being picked on and I know how pain feels, I should of been able to empatize but I just put walls up and made sure she didn't come in, she was so nice that she still managed to step through anyway, but by that time I was so into a routine of treating her poorly that I found it to easy to keep doing it. If I had been nicer, we would have been closer and happier, I don't know why I was such a D!ck, looking back I had no reason at all to not treat her less then perfect.

 

I suggest if you care for someone treat her well, and let all the small annoyances go. Make time for her and try to be as selfless as possible. I can pretty much guarantee that if your GF is happy then you'll be happy too.I want to make sure I don't make the mistake again. I learned through trial and error but It would be more advantageous if you learned from my mistake. My character is weak and needs to be improved and if your on the same path, the best advice I can give you is force yourself to become a nicer person before you become miserable. It's not too late but the more time you waste being a jerk the harder it will be to come back. in all honesty you'll being a d!ck doesnt give you the "real happy". It feels really good when you have someone that your sure 100% cares for you, don't throw it away, I have too many times.

 

From : I miss love.

[daphne]

What a post. You needed this experience to grow. Most don't grow to the extent that you seem to have though. This will make you a much better person and a much better partner for the next go around. Who knows, maybe in a while (probably a very long one) she will see those changes are concrete and decide to give you another chance. I believe it is unlikely, but always possible.

 

That aside, it sounds like this is the best thing that could happen to you. For you. And for your future relationships. I got burned very early on when I was a selfish person and it taught me a lot about wht I was doing wrong and how to be more considerate of others feelings. Every relationship is a learning experience if your'e smart enough to see the lessons, and it's practice for the real thing.

 

good luck.

[wtfjh?]

Wow...until you mentioned the video-games, I almost thought you were my ex writing this.

 

I wonder if he will ever have this realization. He would do many of the same things. He also said he was puny and painfully shy when he was growing up.

 

He would be wonderful when we were together (as sweet as you can imagine...back rubs, saying sweet things, etc, etc), but he just shut me out in every other way. He would also say incredibly vain things....and then catch himself and try to change it up real fast. He treated my feelings as a total annoyance. If I ever brought anything that he did up (flirting with other girls on our dates, standing me up to hang out with other female friends, saying insensitive things etc.) he would say we have a personality conflict and then try to dump me (so i would always end up apologizing for insulting him and begging him to stay...how pathetic). He would also drink and say mean, arrogant things to me...out of nowhere. I always excused this as his drinking (but really, he eventually destroyed my self esteem).

 

Right now he is on a fishing boat (has been for nearly 4 months...dumped me when I drove 6 hours at his request to see him, again because I insulted him and we have "conflicting personalities"). I decided recently to write him a letter telling him all the things I never had the guts to and he called immediately and told the letter was a real "eye opener" for him and brought him down a couple notches. He then went on to say that he was still in love with me and missed me terribly...would get me back. Then, he dumped me again within moments (no arguing...I simply told him I love him and was open to getting back together, too). Said we have hurt each other too much. I don't know how I ever hurt him, but by occassionally sticking up for myself. I cooked for him, loved him deeply, complimented him, did everything I frickin' could for him. I never even looked at other men. I was so in love with him and I would have loved him faithfully forever. he swears he loves me with all his heart, body and soul, and that he tried to commit to me, wanted a future with me, etc. So...it just doesn't make sense...

 

Anyhow, I sent him an email forgiving him. Telling him that I will always love him and be his friend, but that I have accepted the end of the relationship and will move on and find someone who will respect and adore me.

 

Anyhow...sorry to blast off... at least you get to hear the other side of an eerily similar situation.

 

Thanks for sharing... Wow...we are such complex beings.