Getting over my husbands interaction with his ex.

[Alittleunsettled]

Hi all. I am new to these forums. I have something that has been bugging me. I have been with my husband for 19 years and have been married for 15 years. Wehave always had a good marriage, happy, love each other and are best friends. 3 months ago my husband told me that an ex girlfriend found him on facebook and that they had been chatting. He told me that he had feelings for her. They dated when he was 17 and she was 15 (23 years ago) and he treated her like crap apparently. He made it quite clear that he wants to be with me and told me because he felt so guilty having feelings for someone else. I had noticed he was acting different in the days leading up to this but didn't say anything. He showed me all their correspondence. There was nothing sexual, just talking about having feelings for each other, reminiscing and talking about "what if". Apparently he bumped into her on the night of his bachelor party and they talked about "what if" back then too. When they were chatting, he made it clear that he was happily married. She is unhappily married. After a few days, he told her he was going to tell me about it and she did everything she could to talk him out of it. After he told me, I said that I wanted him to delete her off facebook. He said he still wanted to be friends and was sad that I asked him to do this. He looked very sad and said it was because he had lost a friend.

I am really puzzled about the whole thing. Where did these feelings come from? She has not been in his life for 23 years, so was never a friend. He doesn't even know her. He said he was able to switch the feelings for her off. A month later, I had to go away for work and discovered he had been looking at her facebook profile and her pics, even though they weren't friends. He also searched for her when he was on night shift when I got home. He said he just wanted to look and swears he doesn't have feelings for her. He has agreed not to look at her any more. He has since blocked her. I forgot to mention that he has told me I can look at his computer and facebook any time to prove he is't doing anything. I haven't found any evidence.

It is still bugging me though. I am scared these feelings will come up in the future again. Luckily we live in different countries, which I am thankful for. His feeligns for her were so strong at the time. He looks back not and is also puzzled and agrees it sounds ridiculous. I remember in the past when we would see his old friends, he would ask about people and I remember him asking about her. Also the "what if's" just before we got married. It makes me sick to my stomach. Can anyone shed some light on this or has anyone had a similar experience?

[dreamingoftigers]

Talk to Steen719.

 

Stupid guys and exes!

[Alittleunsettled]

I never thought this would happen to us. I has serious anxiety for weeks afterwards and was consumed with thinking about whether he was thinking about her, looking at her pics etc. I was a mess when we were away from each other etc. I trusted him 100% before all this. I want to go back to that. I am so worried that she will contact him or he will decide he will leave me for her. We are doing a lot better but I still worry. He reassures me and comforts me when I need it. Can anyone relate to this?

[dreamingoftigers]

I never thought this would happen to us. I has serious anxiety for weeks afterwards and was consumed with thinking about whether he was thinking about her, looking at her pics etc. I was a mess when we were away from each other etc. I trusted him 100% before all this. I want to go back to that. I am so worried that she will contact him or he will decide he will leave me for her. We are doing a lot better but I still worry. He reassures me and comforts me when I need it. Can anyone relate to this?

 

I can relate to super-high levels of relational anxiety and having to be away for periods of time during it. I don't envy you.

 

BUT you don't sound extraordinary centered either. Not surprising since you've just been given a shock.

 

From how you sound, it doesn't sound like he empathizes with you either.

 

Here's my suggestion. I know this may sound off of the wall or counter-intuitive. Ask for a break to think about things.

 

Sleep on the couch, pull away. Just start doing your own thing. Go for walks. See you friends. Start exercising if you aren't.

 

No offense to the legions of good men here on LS but some men just don't get it until you pull away. No sharing you anxiety/feelings/crying etc. Just pull away and do some distract yourself things.

 

It will probably take him a few days before it hits him on the head what us going on is actually affecting you in a serious way.

 

I find the most effective way to get through to my husband is to turn off the comm channels until he can process that there needs to be a discussion and some understanding going on. It isn't a punishment for them like it is for us, seriously. Men get very overwhelmed by our anxiety. If they get too overwhelmed they shut down.

 

He already knows he fuvked up. He just doesn't know how bad until you leave the bedroom for couch time. If he tries to drag you back to bed on night one just tell him "no, I want the space for tonight, I don't want to make this a big flip out. The stress is keeping me awake at night, I can't talk about it now. I just need some sleep. Maybe tomorrow after we've had a chance to think about it."

 

Then let him come to you. Honest to God. It makes them think. You see if they pulled that on us, we kind of hate them, but men respond to isolation differently than women do.

 

It's a tough thing to do. But you'll fund out where you stand within a week and if he's not a total idiot, he'll snap out of La La Land pretty quick and realize he's risking the Marriage for his 17 year old "what-if."

 

I am pretty sure in 20 years he doesn't want to be thinking, "I wonder what-if my marriage had survived and I hadn't been an idiot."

 

My marriage survived very brutal bu*Lsh*t. I know that fear your tasting right now. It'll pass, but unfortunately you have to become centered in order to get it to. Otherwise it'll own you. I didn't sleep for three years.

[Alittleunsettled]

Thanks for your reply dreamingoftigers. My post was a ramble and I wasn't very clear lol. My husband now understands now how much he has hurt me and has been doing everything he can to make things right. He hasn't looked at her profile of done anything since October last year. Our marriage is really good and we are closer than ever. We also talk a lot more than we ever have.

The problem is that I am worried this will pop up again in the future. Can someone really turn feelings on and off like that? Back when all this happened, he had such a strong connection with her, it was scary. This was someone he hadn't seen for 23 years and knows nothing about her. Maybe I am just being ridiculous.

[shalisha42]

Thanks for your reply dreamingoftigers. My post was a ramble and I wasn't very clear lol. My husband now understands now how much he has hurt me and has been doing everything he can to make things right. He hasn't looked at her profile of done anything since October last year. Our marriage is really good and we are closer than ever. We also talk a lot more than we ever have.

The problem is that I am worried this will pop up again in the future. Can someone really turn feelings on and off like that? Back when all this happened, he had such a strong connection with her, it was scary. This was someone he hadn't seen for 23 years and knows nothing about her. Maybe I am just being ridiculous.

 

Hi. Thank you for sharing your anxiety with us. First, let me say, it's normal for people to be in love and still have feelings for another person they used to date, or simply be attracted to the opposite sex.

 

People are emotional beings. Being married doesn't preclude us from having feelings for another person. Just because someone has feelings for someone else doesn't mean they've broken a vow or committed a sin.

 

Also, it seems like she was his first true love. Although he hasn't seen her in 23 years, that doesn't mean he doesn't still love her or have feelings for her. I haven't seen my first love in over 23 years. You can bet that if I saw him again today, my feelings would be rekindled.

 

Why are you so worried? Your anxiety is feeding into this. It's actually pushing him in that direction. There is nothing you can do to stop him from looking her up. You have absolutely NO CONTROL OVER WHAT HE DOES.

 

Even if you check his or your computer. He could still be searching her from some place else. What are you going to do? Be a lunatic jealous wife and search all of his devices?

 

He's looking her up for a reason. What is missing in your marriage that has him looking elsewhere for something? This is not to blame you for anything but when men start sniffing elsewhere it means the marriage has gotten stale, routine, boring.

 

Have you lost interest in your looks? Do you go out with each other and have fun together like you did when you dated? Being with someone 19 years, things can get routine. Spouses stop doing and saying things to each other that made their hearts skip a beat.

 

Men and women stop going to the gym and start walking around the house with hair greasy, unshaved arms and legs, raggedy clothes....

 

How are you both communicating with each other?

 

Those are some things to look at. Leave him alone. Stop telling him how insecure you feel. It's unattractive. Ask yourself why you feel so threatened. When you didn't know, you acted your usual self.

[shalisha42]

Thanks for your reply dreamingoftigers. My post was a ramble and I wasn't very clear lol. My husband now understands now how much he has hurt me and has been doing everything he can to make things right. He hasn't looked at her profile of done anything since October last year. Our marriage is really good and we are closer than ever. We also talk a lot more than we ever have.

The problem is that I am worried this will pop up again in the future. Can someone really turn feelings on and off like that? Back when all this happened, he had such a strong connection with her, it was scary. This was someone he hadn't seen for 23 years and knows nothing about her. Maybe I am just being ridiculous.

 

One more question: Do you have a life of your own? Or do you do everything together? If that's the case, I highly recommend you get a social life of your own. Go on meetup.com That's a social network that's free that allows you to join social groups based on your hobbies and interests.

 

I joined the archery group and the bowling group! It's not necessarily for people looking to date. It's for people who want to make friends and socialize based on their interests. What do you think about that?