Inflikted Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 Sort of just venting here... Today, I had a big conversation with this girl that I was pretty head over heels for for a while, pursued, and got turned down by months ago. The reason for the conversation was because things had gotten weird, and other people had gotten involved along the way. She and I made peace, but she ultimately decided that, aside from times we have to see/ talk to each other, we can't be friends. I'm a bit disappointed with that, but I'm okay in the sense that I'm done thinking about her, specifically. I am, however, very very upset, and I'm spiraling downwards. Somewhere during our conversation, she said that she didn't think I was a "bad person", and maybe she meant that or maybe she was just saying that. But the more I've been thinking about it, the more I, myself, have started to believe that I am, indeed, a "bad person". I made such a mess of this situation... I got overly attached to this girl, and I made bad decisions because of it. I let other people get involved, and all that did was cause trouble. Things got so bad that we actually had to have a conversation about all of this. And worst of all, things got so bad that, regardless of me owning up to my mistakes, apologizing, and trying to make things right, she still doesn't feel comfortable enough towards me to allow me into her life on even a platonic level. The problem is, I've made these mistakes before, in the past. Clearly, I didn't learn from them then, and most likely, I won't learn from them now. I'll get trapped in the same cycle I always trap myself in: meet someone (or people) I like a lot -> get overly attached -> make a big mess of things -> push everyone away because of it -> feel sad, ashamed, and alienated -> close myself off from the rest of the world, until the cycle begins again. I'll just keep making the same mistakes until I die a sad lonely old man, with no one in his life. This has also massively exacerbated the trust issues I've had with people, in general. Throughout the situation with this girl, a handful of others found out, and while I was reluctant, they seemed to want to be supportive and helpful, and wanted to help me be okay. I stupidly fell in the trap, and one or more of them apparently went behind my back, blew a bunch of stuff I said way out of proportion, and caused all kinds of trouble. I just don't understand. I never do anything to anybody, and worst case scenario, I was a lovesick dope feeling sad because the girl I liked didn't like me back. How could anyone vilify me and hurt me so badly? How the heck can I even have friends when I clearly can't even trust anyone? What the heck did I do to deserve that? I want so badly to have that human companionship, but I think the writing is on the wall, and that I'm just not fit to have that human companionship. I'm weak, I'm pathetic, I make the same mistakes over and over again, I never learn from them, I make big messes of things, I cause problems, I push people away... I'm a bad person. I don't deserve friends, I certainly don't deserve a lady in my life. I don't deserve anyone. I don't know where I go from here. I don't know where I CAN go from here. I just don't learn. That's why I'm 24 and completely alone. That's why I'll likely be completely alone my entire life. I don't learn.
Recommended Posts