wls1970 Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 I met a guy about 9 months ago and to begin with he really opened up to me and spent a couple of nights all over me (we've never had sex tho) and then after about a month he said he didn't want a girlfriend. He was hurt in the past and has spent the last 20 odd years single because of it. He doesn't even date. We agreed that we could just be friends as we enjoy each others company. He rarely physically contacts me, it's usually me contacting him, tho he will turn up at my work just before I'm due to finish or turn up at a friends house when he knows I'm there. I know this is so he can't be accused of leading me on. Since then we have spent many days and nights hanging out together and mostly it's been fine. Just recently tho he has been getting nasty. It's always after we've had a really good time together. I know he's pushing me away however he won't discuss it. He denies he's even done anything wrong. He travels alot for work and he is on a family holiday as we speak so it's easy to give him space. My question is, is that going to be enough? Will he change his mind about me and relationships? He's said he will never find anyone as good as me and I can tell by the little things he does that he does care however the last time he got nasty he said he didn't care. I have never put any pressure on him to be anything other than friends although he does know how I feel about him. I am not going to contact him anymore but is this going to be what he needs to realize his feelings for me or is he just destined to be single forever?
charlietheginger Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 Been in his position. By not pursuing a relationship He protects his heart from getting Broken again. Tell him if u take it To the next level u promise if u two Every decide to separate u will always Want to be his friends. All this man knows is heartbreak U need to assure him your not Gonna break his heart.
soccerrprp Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 Been in his position. By not pursuing a relationship He protects his heart from getting Broken again. Tell him if u take it To the next level u promise if u two Every decide to separate u will always Want to be his friends. All this man knows is heartbreak U need to assure him your not Gonna break his heart. Sorry, but none of these promises can be guaranteed. Nor should it at this stage in the "relationship." You need to ask him upfront if he's interested in a relationship. If not, then move on. Be his friend, perhaps, but you (OP) can't wait around and you have to let him know that.
Author wls1970 Posted January 13, 2013 Author Posted January 13, 2013 Thank you very much for your insight Charlie, it's always very helpful to hear from someone who has been in the same situation. One thing I would like to clarify however is while all he has ever known is hearbreak he says he can't think of any of his friends that are in original happy marriages. He works away as I said and he obviously works with other men who work away and he said in all the years he has spent working away he has seen so many relationships fail due to cheating. He also asked me the last time he was nasty to me, quite randomly I might add, if I would be prepared to get married given 54% of them end in divorce. All this obviously compounds his fears. I'm worried he's convinced himself it's not worth it.
Author wls1970 Posted January 13, 2013 Author Posted January 13, 2013 You need to ask him upfront if he's interested in a relationship. If not, then move on. Be his friend, perhaps, but you (OP) can't wait around and you have to let him know that. He has said he's not interested in a relationship so we have just carried on as friends. This is where my problem is tho. Lately he has been getting nasty towards me. Like he's pushing me away. I'm thinking his feelings towards me are growing. So it seems we can't be friends anymore either. It crushes me to think that he can't be in my life anymore even as a friend, that's why I am asking for advice here. To know if I need to start the healing process or hang in just a little bit more.
soccerrprp Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 He has said he's not interested in a relationship so we have just carried on as friends. This is where my problem is tho. Lately he has been getting nasty towards me. Like he's pushing me away. I'm thinking his feelings towards me are growing. So it seems we can't be friends anymore either. It crushes me to think that he can't be in my life anymore even as a friend, that's why I am asking for advice here. To know if I need to start the healing process or hang in just a little bit more. Sorry, didn't address that...it could very well be that he is trying to push you away. But he continues to come around, right? He's definitely confused, if so. Your best bet is to let him know that you feel like he's trying to push you away with this anger. Address the anger. Ask him why he's being nasty and prepare to walk. You can't place yourself in limbo indefinitely. Look, I know what you're going through, believe me. I'm going through something similar, but not with anger or nastiness.
spiderowl Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 Er, why are you putting up with this guy treating you like crap? He doesn't seem to be interested in a proper relationship, just in messing you around when he feels like it. Surely you can do without this kind of demoralising treatment? You are giving this guy all the control and waiting for him to give you the word. He could have had you as a girlfriend ages sooner. He has a track record of being non-committal with you. That's the way the guy is - hopeless!
Author wls1970 Posted January 13, 2013 Author Posted January 13, 2013 Sorry, didn't address that...it could very well be that he is trying to push you away. But he continues to come around, right? He's definitely confused, if so. Your best bet is to let him know that you feel like he's trying to push you away with this anger. Address the anger. Ask him why he's being nasty and prepare to walk. You can't place yourself in limbo indefinitely. Look, I know what you're going through, believe me. I'm going through something similar, but not with anger or nastiness. I have tried to address this with him but he just denies it. He doesn't want to talk about it. It's like if he acknowledges it, it will make it real.
Author wls1970 Posted January 13, 2013 Author Posted January 13, 2013 Er, why are you putting up with this guy treating you like crap? He doesn't seem to be interested in a proper relationship, just in messing you around when he feels like it. Surely you can do without this kind of demoralising treatment? You are giving this guy all the control and waiting for him to give you the word. He could have had you as a girlfriend ages sooner. He has a track record of being non-committal with you. That's the way the guy is - hopeless! Unfortunately it's not as cut and dry as that. Or maybe it is. I'm so confused right now. He is genuinely a really decent guy. None of his friends would believe me if I told them how he treats me. It's very out of character for him. This is where my confusion comes in and not knowing whether to cut all ties or hang in for a bit longer. I have a sense that it's coming to breaking point, whichever way that maybe.
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