curlybell Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 Reading thru these threads has helped me keep my sanity over the years...love u loveshackers....Need your advice.. here we go... Dealing with a "hood on the come-up kinda guy"..hes 47yo. i'm 50..classy, smart woman... Well...we reconnected, gave him another chance...6 months of reconnection moved into R. Its a LDR.. i see travel to c him 5 times.. I pay.. on last visit..he changes.. acts reserved/cold as ice.. doesn't say whats wrong.. i get no call..finally he says ..he doesn't want to b in R. --hes not ready...we moved to fast..mind u..it was all him with the marriage thing.. so i decide not to move there. Ok. currently he's like, "things aren't over between us"..."he has to work things out in himself"..."will I wait on him... aren't I worth it"... huh??? This in between thing is killing me....i want my peace of mind back...where's this man coming from?? any thoughts....pleeze
Missing Him Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 I've experienced something similar, and I think that a lot of this has to do with the long distance. A lot of people will suggest that he's just stringing you along but I don't think it's the case. Let me just share some thoughts based on my own experience: When you are in a long distance relationship, you have an idea that eventually, one of you will move to be with the other. Just the idea of this can feel like a huge pressure. If you're the person moving - you're making a huge sacrifice. What if you're not happy there? Is the huge life change worth the person? This person might feel doubtful and unsure. And if you're the person who isn't moving - you may feel responsible for the person. What if after some time you're not feeling the same? How can you break up with someone who just sacrificed so much to come here? This person might feel trapped and unsure. This can often lead to one of the parties ending the relationship in order to do some figuring out about the situation. Is this person really worth such a commitment? Am I ready for such a commitment? This may be what your ex is going through. I am so sorry that you are on the receiving end of this, I know how hard it hurts As far as the "waiting around," you should do no such thing. The way that I chose to handle it is that I chose to cut contact with my ex. I haven't been the best at sticking with it, but even when I mess up and answer his phone call or mess up and call him, I correct myself and continue on. You should attempt to move on with your life and to take this time to be selfish and figure out what it is that you want. From your ex's perspective - what motivation does he have for reconciling with you when he can still have you in his life waiting around for him? Maybe your ex will decide that you were what he wanted after all and he'll come crawling back. If that does happen, you'll have taken this time to wor on you and you can make that decision then. And if he never does, then it won't matter because you'll have moved on and you'll be happy without him. Just speaking from my own experience with this advice. Again, I'm sorry that you're in this situation I know how badly it sucks.
Author curlybell Posted January 13, 2013 Author Posted January 13, 2013 Thank u so much... your quick response n words meant so much. to me....i still think he's too old to be acting like this..one thing he said a while ago was.. he's ALWAYS cheated.. that stayed in my head...i really think he's looking for an upgrade while keeping me on a string...if in time he doesn't get someone better then he'll have me..... The other day.. i spoke w/him and 2.5 hrs went by.. i had opened up and it was like old times...he was kind and warm.. i thought he was sincere in the convo.....Then... out the blue.. he cut me off " thanks babe, its been great talkin to you..i said.. Oh.. ok..take care"... i was crushed he cut me off so quickly... that did it for me....im miserable with his bead crumbs...i felt like he cut me off to be with someone...and i lost my importance.....it killed me inside.. almost made me sick.... realized that moment...to end it. completely.. he's coming to town in a week for 11 days to visit his family... Uhhhg!.. I'm telling him I'm done and dont want to c him... this guys smooth as silk...thats the problem.....have to stick to my guns... 2
Missing Him Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 That's the thing about attempting to remain in contact and be friends with your ex: the fundamentals of the relationship have changed. He no longer owes you anything. You're basically "downgraded." And every conversation, you'll feel that. And then of course, when you stop conversation, you go through a (sometimes excruciatingly long) period of withdrawal. What's important to remember (and I know it's easier said than done) is that the pain might be less severe at first if you stay friends with your ex, but it will never go away and then you'll have to deal with even more pain if and when your ex has a new partner or fling. The other way, the pain is extremely intense in the beginning but it fades some and then goes away completely. I can't speak for whether or not he was cheating or is seeing someone else, I have no idea. Honestly though, you're better off not knowing.
whichwayisup Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 He isn't relationship material. He cannot stay in a committed relationship without cheating. He told you this, now you can't get that out of your head. LDR didn't help things along either. Anyway, you may always love him and feel a strong connection to him but that doesn't mean he's good for you. Though you know this already. it'll hurt but be strong. Do what is best for you. Seems this guy just doesn't want to settle down and be with one woman. He likes to keep the door open a crack to see what else is out there. Yuck. HIS loss, not yours.
juliabrookes Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 From my experience men get away with what you allow them. He is obviously selfish and is only in it for his needs. So the next time he calls take your power back and do not answer the phone. The most important part of breaking up is not enabling him. He needs to feel the direct result of breaking up with you. He needs to know that " ms. curlybell" was the best damn women he ever had and he lost her. He needs to feel the loss. Don't continue to lower yourself value to entertain an awful man that is treating you this way. You deserve way way much more than this. 1
LostOne1 Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 From my experience men get away with what you allow them. He is obviously selfish and is only in it for his needs. So the next time he calls take your power back and do not answer the phone. The most important part of breaking up is not enabling him. He needs to feel the direct result of breaking up with you. He needs to know that " ms. curlybell" was the best damn women he ever had and he lost her. He needs to feel the loss. Don't continue to lower yourself value to entertain an awful man that is treating you this way. You deserve way way much more than this. Best advice ever.. I wish when my BU happened that I had followed with this through... let my ex know what she gave up. I messed up by begging and pleading and responding when she wanted me to. It was stupid,. because I gave her all the power.
D-Lish Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 When you choose to stay with someone that doesn't treat you right, the question should never be "what should I do"... You should know the answer.
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