Mrlonelyone Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 I mean for this thread to be both personal and general as this is the main problem I am dealing with. I am sure some others especially those of us who are at least late 20's and higher are dealing with this too. If our parents are lucky enough to live long, then we will have to deal with their needs. They will need more checking on, and healthcare. They may even have become disabled by their health issues. This can all be a problem weather you live with them or near them. Elderly parents can needs almost as much care as children, with the main difference being that elders have their own income and assets to pay their own bills, hopefully. So how have any of you all handled this? What are the options? __________________ In my own personal case I am living with my parents who are both in their early 70's. My father just had to be hospitalized due to the flu and other festering health issues which it aggravated. They almost died. They have also been legally blind for years and depressed because of it. Now they need nursing care. They need to have oxygen at all times, and a whole regime of medications. We live in a two story house and my father can't climb stairs anymore. My mother dosen't want to climb the stairs anymore. We've agreed that I should have the master bedroom if neither of them are using it. I provide care to my father and pay the taxes on the house. In essence this horrible turn brings me close to a situation where I am even more invested in staying put than moving out. If I were to move I would need to be able to afford to send money home to provide for their expenses in addition to paying my expenses + rent and utilities. That isn't happening unless I get a better than average job. I run a tutoring business from my phone and laptop in addition to being a graduate student. My student ship means most of the people I meet are either much younger themselves OR their parents are much younger than my parents. The kind of issues I have due to my parents age are quite alien to them. In the last four years I haven't had been in a position to bring anyone home yet. I like to appraise people of just how bad of shape my parents are in. The air often comes out of the relationship at that point. Has anyone else dealt with this aspect of life and dating?
ja123 Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 I haven't as of yet, but such issues are on my mind as my family is aging and I'm the only child. Have you reached out to a family caregivers network to get some emotional support? Taking care of ill/aging family members can really take its toll.
newmoon Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 (edited) i have dealt with this from the reverse perspective - as the gf of a guy who takes care of his mom 24/7. it's so frustrating from this angle too. our dates are often interrupted by his mother, calling for whatever reason/need she may have, our day dates are far and few between because during days off and weekends he is running errands for his mom, taking her to appointments, taking her to doctors, for meds, etc. and he often wants her to join us for dinners and such to 'get her out of the house a bit.' i definitely come a far second behind his commitment to his mother. and, that is hard for the person you date. our relationship absolutely cannot move forward because he still lives at home and has no desire to leave his ailing mother. so, marriage isn't an option, living together isn't an option, and engagement isn't an option. it's like dating a high-schooler or college student who doesn't have their own life. and yeah, we are at my place all the time and i can rarely go to his home, and can never spend the night there. this situation has also interrupted vacations and planned events. it sucks for me too, and i'm a caring person and understand his desire to care for his mom. i think you can still date in your situation, but it's going to really impede your ability to get serious about someone until your parents are - sorry - gone. you cannot have a serious, mutually beneficial relationship when your burdens are so many. so, be really mindful of who you date and how far it can actually go (not too far). sadly, the time for a serious relationship for you will have to wait imo, because a woman would get frustrated by this. my bf did tell me upfront about his situation so i knew what his life was all about, but i didn't realize what a challenge it would be, and that it would stop the progress of the relationship at a certain point. Edited January 13, 2013 by newmoon
Lobouspo Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 I am close to both my parents, and my mom's health has really taken a turn for the worse this year. The stress of her health issues and my job, kinda puts cupid on the backburner for me. We all have baggage we bring into dating/relationships...own it, come to terms with it, but be honest with anyone you get involved with.
edgygirl Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 My parents are surprisingly well for their age (just turned 80) but I've seen it from the other side where parents of guys I date are not doing that well. Honestly, I felt a lot of compassion towards them and considered in my mind how would I be able to help if I ended up in a long term relationship with them and even if I married them, I took into account I might have to care for their needs as women probably do it better than guys (even when the family has means, someone still has to look after them). I even offered the last guy I dated briefly to keep his father companion a few days after surgery when his mom had to travel for the weekend. They ended up having a nurse there, but I am sure he appreciated it. You know I think it's almost a good way to pick the right partner. People who care about you will most likely care about your family. Although I am not sure a few people in their 20s can relate to this. Anyway I wish your father gets better fast!
Author Mrlonelyone Posted January 13, 2013 Author Posted January 13, 2013 @newmoon. You offer an interesting and valuable perspective. It sounds to me like he may not be a good fit for you. It sounds like his mother depends on him, not that he depends on his mother. Either way if he depends on his mother, or if his mother depends on him. The bottom line is it's a situation your not willing and able to deal with. Blood relatives will always come before someone one is dating. Until that person proves them selves worthy of such devotion, and joins the family. @Lobouspo Sorry to hear that. I hope that the people in your dating pool will be so circumspect about your situation. Folks have a way of looking at all the flaws and baggage of a potential mate, without considering their own flaws and baggage. @edgygirl That's a very valid point. For someone we date for a while they should start to care a bit about our families. They don't have to like eachother per se...but they do have to care about their well being. I mean, who wants to marry or live with someone who doesn't care if your parents live or die?
edgygirl Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 Yes to be honest his father was a pain, a grumpy unpleasant man, even my ex admitted that. It doesn't matter, it's the sons and daughters duty plus their SO to look after their parents when they're old IMO. If a potential person doesn't seem to care about my parents well being, I tend to think they are not that into me. 1
mortensorchid Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 I live about a mile away from my mom and dad. My mom's health has been horrible for the last ten years and is only getting worse. Dad is as healthy as a horse, but he can't be there all the time to monitor her if and when something happens to her. IN the last ten years, mom has had diabetes, cancer, arthritis and her kidney had a stearhorn block in it (look it up). And she doesn't want others to give her special treatment, letting herself go to the point of being snatched back from the brink of death several times. I have just had to accept it, because it's not going to change. One Christmas Eve, I went over to have dinner and something had happened. Apparently (this was when she was recovering from major surgery) she was in pain to the point that she was screaming and shreiking for over an hour until Dad came home (he had gotten there five or ten minutes before me). I was angry with her because I was sitting in front of the TV until 5 minutes ago and she didn't call me. Needless to say, I have just had to accept the fact that they are getting older. And they still see their kids as little kids no matter how old they are and would resist the advice of friends, family and healthcare professionals because that's part of aging. As to how it would or wouldn't affect my dating life? Admittedly, I have never thought about that as it's never had any influence - save for the fact that a few guys who have met my mom have looked at me with worry thinking that one day I will be as obese and unhappy as she is. But if I were living with them, that's another story. I guess my point is that you are not alone if you have an elderly parent who you are living with or caring for somehow. It's very frustrating.
Author Mrlonelyone Posted January 13, 2013 Author Posted January 13, 2013 @Edgygirl If a person doesn't care about our parents wellbeing the perhaps we shouldn't be into them. @Mortensorchid Thanks for the support. 6 Ways to Make Caregiving & Dating Go Together ? AARP Has some helpful tips. Here are six strategies that work whether you’re looking for love or just need a break and are perfectly happy solo: Find a support group of caregivers of aging parents (online, via telephone, or in person). What are some successful approaches these daters have used? What hasn’t worked? Who knows, you may even meet your next beau or suitor through one of these groups! If your parent is cognitively capable, let them know you need some personal time. Reassure them that you will still take care of them, but may be getting more support. With dementia and Alzheimer’s, try to keep their routine the same and their set-up familiar. Get them involved in “non-you” activities in the community so they have as full a life as possible and are not totally dependent on you. Once you’ve met someone you expect to stick around—and not a transitory date—you’ll want to introduce him or her to your parents. (Remember when we did the same with our boyfriends, girlfriends, and exes?) If your parent has dementia or another disease, get your new partner up to speed. Show them a disease-specific website or give them information on the condition before meeting Mom and Dad. Caregiving is a big part of your life now. If your partner seems unsympathetic or is unsupportive of your role, he or she is not a keeper.
Author Mrlonelyone Posted January 13, 2013 Author Posted January 13, 2013 I'm gonna give this a little bump. Surely some more men have something to say about this issue.
SunsetRed Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 As much as you care for your parents, it is imp that you care for yourself too. I agree that you should let your parents know that you need some personal time for yourself as well. Taking this personal time for yourself isn't selfish, and parents who love you wont resent it. See if you can find respite care, or home health care type sitters for when you want to go out. You will need relationships in your life that are NOT about caregiving. You will end up needing some type of care yourself, if not simply mental health care if you don't take time out for you. I don't mean for this to sound offensive, but your parents are in their 70s, what if they live to be in their 90s? Are you supposed to just live w them and not date for 20 years? I like the ideas the other posters have posted, including the one about finding a support group for adult children caring for parents. I also recommend finding a sitter so you can have some social time for you.
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