Thought I moved on. A dark secret. Stuck in a psychological dead lock

[sbeekar]

Hi !

 

Stopping by to get some post break-up words of wisdom. Hoping to get some outsider advice as I don't trust my brain right now . I feel like I am stuck unable to move on.

 

I'll try to keep this as short as possible.

 

The Moons are Aligning

 

- Dated 4 years . Im 28, she 24. We are of different faiths. She is the girl of my dreams.

 

- Year 2 we are in love. I found some questionable pics. Confronted. She said she kissed the guy 1 month of us dating. She cried, cut all ties with the guy (her best friend btw). I got over it.

 

- Year 3 by then im going through great lengths trying to sort my religious life, questioning faiths, inner struggle, lots of research, lots of and lots of effort trying to make our relationship work. But I never told her about all my endeavors. I was afraid if I shared too much, I would drive her away. I had invested too much emotionally.

 

The Perfect Storm

 

- Year 3.5 (on my bday!) found out that she actually had had sex with that guy in year 2. **stab in the heart** (I actually thought god was teaching me a lesson for trying to disprove him... among other craziness) But evidence was 95% conclusive. I went literally crazy, things are going so well, decided not to confront or bring it up. I was very much in love with her I wanted things to be great. I worked so hard for this, I was willing to hold in that secret just to keep us together, keep her happy...etc I gambled on the 5% ~~ big mistake ~~

 

- Year 4, after 1 year of holding the dark secret (extremely painful btw), she is talking marriage. But I couldn't get myself to confront. It was a long time ago, and our marriage was going to involve sacrifices because of our different faiths. I convinced myself if she were to sacrifice for me, I would let go of the past.

 

Fuel for the Fire

 

- Year 4.5 we are breaking up. She brought up the fact that our religious differences were a show stopper. In reality, they were not, but I played along and kept pushing her away because even after 1 year, I really couldn't get over the incident. Even though I thought I was hanging on to the 5% deep inside I was convinced she full blown cheated.

 

We just drifted apart, no real closure and I never told her the truth because I didnt want to hurt her or make her feel guilty. I still very much cared about her.

 

The break-up was easy at first, I almost didn't feel anything for the first couple of months. Then she started texting and facebooking. All I could think about is telling her the truth, put a real ending to our story, find out if the 5% is correct. I worked SO MUCH for our relationship but never told her about all my efforts, found out she cheated, never told her, went to hell and back just to make things lovely for her. But now, all that weight is just too much for me. I need to blow up.

 

The Deadlock

 

I think I will never be able to move on unless I correctly close out the chapter of our 5 year story. Tell her that I knew about her infidelity, that I had done so much to try to make our religious differences work, and "apologize' for not bringing this up earlier. Also, I will be able to sleep better knowing that 95% is actually 100%. When I finally decided to confront, its now 5 months post break-up, I find out she is seeing someone. I used that as an excuse not to confront her. She is in a different place now. (although she was still messaging)

 

8 months post break-up, thats ALL i dream about every night for the past month. I'm tired of all this honestly. My professional life is starting to get affected, my company is now at risk. I almost lost my faith, im losing myself, and I just want to move on.

 

If I confront, besides it being a terrible idea, if she comes back and denies everything, and the truth is that she really didn't cheat...I might literally go crazy. Will try to get her back and will fail. If she admits to fault, maybe says sorry, then I guess I will feel hurt for a bit but eventually move on knowing 100% she was a cheater. Also, there will be lots of drama.

 

I dont know what to do anymore. I almost want some genie from a lamp, to go tell her the truth and come tell me the truth.

 

So: tell her the truth OR keep hiding it in forever?

 

Thanks all!

[Toddbt12y1]

Ask yourself, which is tearing you apart more: Holding it in, or finding out the truth? Which would hurt worse and currently is?

 

Clearly, holding it in is hurting you more than telling her...we all don't get closure. Get it while you can.

[AlisaMarie]

If you are still on somewhat decent terms, tell her. Cheating ruins lives and it's very hard to truly forgive. I commend you for holding it in for the sake of your relationship- but it tore you apart and was ultimitly the reason for your relationship problems.

 

Meet her for dinner, chat- be as honest and open about what you know without making her feel defensive.

 

This is just my opinion. I hope it works out.

[CptSaveAho]

dont confront her

 

if theres a 95% chance that you believe she cheated on you, there's 100% chance she did

 

people need to learn to listen to their own gut and not the words that are being spoken to them

[sbeekar]

Thanks for your feedback and your time!

 

Having dinner may honestly be too difficult emotionally and she will probably reject the invitation in leau of having a bf. Is writing a note plausible?

[Chi townD]

After 8 months post break up; now you want to confront?!?!? What's the point!!

 

And I'm not buy that different religons drove you two apart. I know a bunch of couples that are from different faiths that are extremely happy together. The problem was is that your two were keeping secrets from each other. HEr secret is that she cheated on you, and your secret is that you knew about it. That was alway a big elephant in the room for the both of you. You say that you didn't react differently around her and even tried to make things better. But, there was a change, so much so that you didn't even realize it.

 

Religon didn't kill this relationship, cheating and a lack of communication did.

[sbeekar]

Thanks chi town. I couldnt agree more. This exactly what I said in my original post

 

You are right that there is no tangible reason to confront. Won't really change anything. I think the word confront is not the correct word, it's more of a setting the record straight. I think part of me is tired of people asking me why u broke up and me having to lie and say it was religion because I don't want anyone to know she cheated. She also probably feels guilty about it and maybe that's a way to let her know "it's OK I knew".

 

 

The main reason I'm at this forum is because I really can't answer the question of why I feel the need to let her know. Maybe I don't and it's just the only thing I can point at (blame) for feeling how I feel. Maybe it's because she is now seeing someone that all my emotions are stirred and I'm subliminally seeking revenge?? Or maybe, I feel this way because I'm not 100% certain and the curiosity is killing me.

 

 

 

 

I def learnt a lesson in life. But what to do is the main question now.