Estella99 Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 To give you a short background: met a guy abroad (we'd been talking for a couple of months before we met up). Had sex. We both knew it was just sex (distance, relationship not possible, he's planning to move anyway and hence isn't looking for a relationship). Stayed in touch. Things got a bit bumpy because he was busy/is not the type to send lots of emails. So I got a bit frustrated and nagged and bitched and also accused him of things. I should add that I do have a crush on him. A small one. Otherwise I'd not been bothered! Then he sent me this: "it's neither you nor me, it's just the way it is. If you're unable to believe that, then please feel free to consider me an inconsiderate bastard." He also said he wouldn't be in touch anymore since "we don't think the same way". Is he saying he just used me for sex? Or is he just sick of me questioning everything and being a bit dramatic? He sent that over two weeks ago and I've not written to him again. I do miss talking to him though, but not sure if it's a good idea to get in touch because I've no idea how sick he is of me and it would be a bit hurtful to be ignored!
normal person Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 (edited) We both knew it was just sex Is he saying he just used me for sex? Seems pretty straightforward to me. It was mutually agreed upon that it was just sex, I don't see why it's such a surprise that it ended the way it did. I also don't really understand the thread title, suggesting it's a recurring problem with men that's incredibly difficult to understand. If you decided it was just sex, don't be mad when he considers it just sex. If he's mad, it might be because you're reneging on the agreement and trying to make it something more. That's how it seems to me, at least. Sorry, just my opinion. Edited January 13, 2013 by normal person 4
somedude81 Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 Heh, just about every thread where there is a woman exclaiming how she doesn't understand men or that they're crazy, it turns out that she's usually the one whose acting all weird and they guy is perfectly rational. 2
Author Estella99 Posted January 13, 2013 Author Posted January 13, 2013 (edited) Fair enough, but neither of those answers really answer my questions. Also, there's no need to be rude. First of all, the thread title was somewhat humourous. Second, we did both know that it was just sex but we'd also agreed to keep in touch. The sex wasn't planned at all. We never had that sort of friendship and it came rather unexpected. We met up and we both found each other extremely attractive so it happened. Once it happened, I noticed that he wrote less and less often. So my question is: has he perhaps lost all interest in me once he had me? Hence the "using for sex". "it's just the way it is" still doesn't make sense to me because I don't know what he's referring to. Edit: also, would it be a bad idea to try to get in touch with him again? Edited January 13, 2013 by Estella99
HeavenOrHell Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 Hi, it sounds like he's been straight with you from the start that it was just going to be sex and not a r/ship. He didn't promise you anything. I don't think he's done anything wrong, it does sound like you came on too heavy with him as you're not even in a r/ship, sorry I don't mean that to sound harsh. Maybe you developed feelings for him even though you knew the score, but that's not something you can help. Maybe you used each other for sex, as you say you knew it was just sex and that a r/ship wasn't possible for various reasons. I think he's saying what he said from the start, that he doesn't want a r/ship and that you don't think the same way as you'd like more and he doesn't. Just sounds like incompatibility, no-one to blame. I wouldn't get in touch with him, you need someone who can give you more than he can give you. To give you a short background: met a guy abroad (we'd been talking for a couple of months before we met up). Had sex. We both knew it was just sex (distance, relationship not possible, he's planning to move anyway and hence isn't looking for a relationship). Stayed in touch. Things got a bit bumpy because he was busy/is not the type to send lots of emails. So I got a bit frustrated and nagged and bitched and also accused him of things. I should add that I do have a crush on him. A small one. Otherwise I'd not been bothered! Then he sent me this: "it's neither you nor me, it's just the way it is. If you're unable to believe that, then please feel free to consider me an inconsiderate bastard." He also said he wouldn't be in touch anymore since "we don't think the same way". Is he saying he just used me for sex? Or is he just sick of me questioning everything and being a bit dramatic? He sent that over two weeks ago and I've not written to him again. I do miss talking to him though, but not sure if it's a good idea to get in touch because I've no idea how sick he is of me and it would be a bit hurtful to be ignored! 1
Casablanca Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 Is he saying he just used me for sex? Or is he just sick of me questioning everything and being a bit dramatic? If you have bitched and nagged him, he probably doesnt want to keep any sort of long distance friendship. I wouldnt either 1
normal person Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 Second, we did both know that it was just sex but we'd also agreed to keep in touch. The sex wasn't planned at all. We never had that sort of friendship and it came rather unexpected. We met up and we both found each other extremely attractive so it happened. Once it happened, I noticed that he wrote less and less often. So my question is: has he perhaps lost all interest in me once he had me? Hence the "using for sex". "it's just the way it is" still doesn't make sense to me because I don't know what he's referring to. Edit: also, would it be a bad idea to try to get in touch with him again? Ok, maybe I should clarify: I suppose you technically might be able to fault him for "not keeping in touch" if you agreed upon it. However, if I was in the situation, I might assume saying "let's keep in touch" would be a way of mutually not feeling so bad about having a one-time encounter, just a facetious pleasantry. Like saying, "so, uh... I'll call you" when you know you should say something nice and reassuring, even if you both know it won't happen, just to appease that inner voice of society suggesting that one-time casual sex between two people who don't really know each other might be a little frowned upon. I don't think anyone can assuredly tell you if he's lost interest or not, or that there was interest beyond sex to begin with, but it sounds like since you're now apart, the logistics of it are starting to make more sense to him. You agreed it was just sex and moved on, but you still want to keep in touch, which you also agreed on -- but logistically, it's not doing anything for him other than fulfilling a (possibly flippant) obligation. If you live far away, it's not like he's going to see you again, so "keeping in touch" might seem pretty time consuming; a real low-yield exercise. "It's just the way it is" to me translates to "We were both in the same place at the same time. We really liked each other and had sex both knowing that it'd be just that and nothing more. We agreed to keep in touch because if one of us had said 'let's not keep in touch after this', the sex wouldn't have happened. Now we're back in our separate places and the odds of us being in the same place again for extended period of time and developing a relationship are pretty slim. You're a nice person and all, but why should I keep having to write emails if I know nothing will ever come of it? I'm kind of mad that you took 'let's stay in touch' so steadfast considering all this." I could be wrong, but that's how I interpret it. If you contact him again, I wouldn't be too naggy, he doesn't owe you anything and that's sure to just repel him. If you want a response, take more of a friend's approach: "How's work been? How have you been keeping busy?" etc. Those would be more likely to elicit a response, I think. Sending a romantically charged email and expecting him to respond in kind is not fair, in my opinion. 1
TaraMaiden Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 * Disclaimer: This is a hugely generalised comment, but by and large:* Men are capable of separating emotion from sex, and just having sex for the hell and fun of having sex. Women are incapable of separating emotion from sex, and just having sex for the hell and fun of it - isn't enough. They seek a little bit of emotional input too - and when that is not forthcoming they feel slighted, used and confused. It's very simple. he wanted to get his rocks off. You wanted a little heart carved in them. Not going to happen, unfortunately. And he was completely honest in that from the get-go. It's you who's not getting it.....
Author Estella99 Posted January 13, 2013 Author Posted January 13, 2013 (edited) Thanks for the replies. Much appreciated. I was a bit confused because a day after we had sex, he said something that made me think that maybe he does not want to be in touch. So to be on the safe side, I sent a nice email basically I enjoyed the evening with him and "take care" and he wrote back immediately saying "stay in touch!". And we did stay in touch for over a month after that. I guess I'm not going to get in touch with him just now. Maybe let some more time pass and then see how I feel. I'd like to be in touch with him occasionally because I think it's a shame that things went that way. Just not sure about contacting him after that message he sent. But I'll see how I feel about it in the future. Ohhh also, I'd like to add that "one-time casual sex between two people who don't really know each other might be a little frowned upon" isn't entirely correct since it's not like we met that night. We had been talking daily for about two months before we had sex. Just hadn't met in person because I live elsewhere. Edited January 13, 2013 by Estella99
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