OneMoreNight Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 Hello! Quick background - in my 40's, divorced, kids, independent woman with a good job and a content life. Got involved with a high school friend who has been married for over 17 years. We have been off and on for 7 months. Its been up and down most of that time. Lots of guilt and fear of being caught, on his part. Guilt and constant questioning, on mine. Finally, I am settled and at peace - mostly - with this 'relationship'. He is married, otherwise happy, and has no intention of leaving his family. I am happy with my life, don't want to have a steady mate and don't want him to leave his family. We don't have much physical time together but we chat a few times a week. I guess it fulfills something that is missing for both of us. No one around me knows. No one around him knows. Which is how it is supposed to be, right? But I find I need to vent/express myself/ask questions every now and then and appreciate being to 'talk' to others who understand my position and special circumstances. I have lurked here a fair amount and finally wanted to jump in. Thanks!
whichwayisup Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 Take time to read other stories in here, you'll see your situation isn't that special..Sorry. Quick background - in my 40's, divorced, kids, independent woman with a good job and a content life. Got involved with a high school friend who has been married for over 17 years. We have been off and on for 7 months Can I ask why you chose to get involved with a past friend who is now currently married? Its been up and down most of that time. Lots of guilt and fear of being caught, on his part. Guilt and constant questioning, on mine. Finally, I am settled and at peace - mostly - with this 'relationship'. He is married, otherwise happy, and has no intention of leaving his family. I am happy with my life, don't want to have a steady mate and don't want him to leave his family. We don't have much physical time together but we chat a few times a week. I guess it fulfills something that is missing for both of us. After 7 months on and off, is it worth it? He has no intention of leaving his family so you are the OW in this affair for as long as it lasts. You won't be a part of his whole life, only bits and pieces that he feels when he can see or speak to you. If you are OK with this, then enjoy the A while it lasts and take it for what it is...And shield your heart, have no expectations or hopes that it will turn into something more serious. Though I DO hope you realize what is the point (since you can't tell anybody in your life about him, and have him meet family, friends, your kids and you can't meet anybody from his life, it's all taboo and behind closed doors so to speak) of putting in energy into him and the A when it isn't going anywhere? Give that some thought. Love or not, you are going to get really hurt as time goes on. I"m sure you are now at times, especially during the low times, right? No one around me knows. No one around him knows. Which is how it is supposed to be, right? But I find I need to vent/express myself/ask questions every now and then and appreciate being to 'talk' to others who understand my position and special circumstances. I have lurked here a fair amount and finally wanted to jump in. What are your hopes here? Do you want the A to continue on and hope one day he'll divorce his wife, leave his family behind and be with you? Would your children, other family members, his children accept you? Not sure what it is you're looking for - To have the A and learn how to cope with the bad stuff or are you looking to detach and end it before you get in deeper. Just know, if there IS a D-day, it's very rare an MM chooses his AP over his wife and kids. ON some level you're setting yourself up for a fall, be heartache and pain. 1
movingon45 Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 Hello! Quick background - in my 40's, divorced, kids, independent woman with a good job and a content life. Got involved with a high school friend who has been married for over 17 years. We have been off and on for 7 months. Its been up and down most of that time. Lots of guilt and fear of being caught, on his part. Guilt and constant questioning, on mine. Finally, I am settled and at peace - mostly - with this 'relationship'. He is married, otherwise happy, and has no intention of leaving his family. I am happy with my life, don't want to have a steady mate and don't want him to leave his family. We don't have much physical time together but we chat a few times a week. I guess it fulfills something that is missing for both of us. No one around me knows. No one around him knows. Which is how it is supposed to be, right? But I find I need to vent/express myself/ask questions every now and then and appreciate being to 'talk' to others who understand my position and special circumstances. I have lurked here a fair amount and finally wanted to jump in. Thanks! Yup, totally get you. Also got involved with my exbf from the past and had on and off A for 9 months. I finally ended it when we had a huge fight and thought that it was my wake up call. We also didn't have plans of leaving our partners. No future. Just indulging in fantasy and in my case filling the void in a sexless but otherwise good marriage. It's having the attention and the fun of having a secret. Enjoy it while it last and I hope that you don't fall in love hard. Men can compartmentalize I think while women can't. Why were you on and off? Is it because of the guilt?
Author OneMoreNight Posted January 13, 2013 Author Posted January 13, 2013 Wow lol! I will try to answer questions, here. There are no rose coloured glasses. I choose to be alone but in no way does that mean I am lonely or secretly hoping for him to be with me all the time. I think he would drive me nuts if he were around me more than he is LOL! I have been thru a very abusive marriage. I am happy on my own. I enjoy my AP for what we have and have no illusions that anything will last forever or change. I am very content with it for what it is. I have no interest in the complications and energy it takes to maintain a 'real' relationship. I guess he feels 'safe' to me b/c there are the set in concrete boundaries. I know he isn't going to leave his wife for me. I do not want him to. There is no chance of that. Pierre = I don't remember saying there was a problem. And no...not rationalizing. Honest with myself. movingon45 = thanks for the welcome! We have known each other for over 20 years but were not close at all. Casual friends. He tried to end things once...lots of guilt and a major scare on his end from something else....but kept up contact and everything started up again. I felt I was getting too close to him, emotionally and withdrew for a while. I found I don't need him...I just want him. Whichwayisup - when I said 'special' I was thinking not of my personal situation as much as a situation that is unique to this particular board....OW/OM....that shared situation. Get it? I didn't choose to get involved with a married man, per se. Honestly, I got tired of him trying and figured if I called his bluff, he would never go through with it. Ummm...I was wrong. He did. In my head, his marriage and any issues are his, not mine. I want nothing to do with his real life. What I have with him is a small part of each of our lives...but a nice part. So I am a b*tch for it. I am being selfish. This suits my needs for the time...it suits his...we will be as careful as we can possibly be to keep this from being anything more than our secret. And you are right...there was a big struggle for me a few months ago. I don't want him forever. I know this has a shelf-life and that the outcome - with or without a DDay - is not going to be 'good', in particular for me. It's been a very huge self-discovery journey. I still value the experience.
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