She's had more experience than me... how do I get over this?

[SensitiveTJ]

This, this, this. This is the mature way to handle an adult relationship.

 

Unless we're teenagers, we start accumulating baggage, and as we age, the pile gets big. No-one can fully judge another based upon that.

 

Live, love, today. Be safe, of course, have a care for your wellbeing, but leave stuff that ultimately isn't important at the door and enjoy your relationship.

 

 

While I agree that most adults will bring a certain level of baggage into their relationships (some more than others), isn't it a red flag when that person has actively sought out the aforementioned "baggage?" Looking at the OP's original example, his girlfriend purposely went through a promiscuous phase fully conscious of her actions. No one made her do that or forced it upon her. Is it really so unreasonable to be a little perturbed by this behavior?

[KungFuJoe]

What's wrong with being promiscuous?

 

I'm more concerned if there's a history of cheating or lying.

[SensitiveTJ]

What's wrong with being promiscuous?

 

I'm more concerned if there's a history of cheating or lying.

 

I'll refrain from making any negative comments about promiscuity, as it's not too relevant, but anyways the OP obviously has different ideas about sexuality than his girlfriend. What I'm saying is it's very natural and understandable to feel emotional anguish upon discovering things about a partner that don't mesh with the mental construct built up inside one's head. Feeling how OP feels is not wrong and to be honest, in my logical opinion and my personal experience, overcoming differences in sexual mores is extremely difficult and possibly not worth attempting to overcome. I would advise the OP to move on from the relationship.

[sweetkiwi]

What I'm saying is it's very natural and understandable to feel emotional anguish upon discovering things about a partner that don't mesh with the mental construct built up inside one's head. Feeling how OP feels is not wrong and to be honest, in my logical opinion and my personal experience, overcoming differences in sexual mores is extremely difficult and possibly not worth attempting to overcome. I would advise the OP to move on from the relationship.

 

I used to want to know EVERYTHING about a partners sexual past. But get pissed off when he told me the truth. I was also 18-22.

 

This serves no purpose other that to distance yourself from your girlfriend. And honestly I also feel you shouldn't HAVE to get over it.

 

Its something you just move past one day hopefully. But most likely not with this girl. Or the next.

[Mumbles]

While I agree that most adults will bring a certain level of baggage into their relationships (some more than others), isn't it a red flag when that person has actively sought out the aforementioned "baggage?" Looking at the OP's original example, his girlfriend purposely went through a promiscuous phase fully conscious of her actions. No one made her do that or forced it upon her. Is it really so unreasonable to be a little perturbed by this behavior?

 

I don't think so, no. This is how I feel now anyway, but I'm mid forties and a lot of stuff that seemed really important to me as a young man have fallen away now.

 

Almost all, not 100% sure, but _almost_ all my personal baggage was accumulated with eyes open searching for experiences. If I were to be condemned for this by every woman I want a relationship with then I'm in for an unhappy mid-late life ... so I really hope this isn't the case.

[Babolat]

OP, I feel for you as I am in a similar situation. I have not had the past sexual life conversation as I do not care. Our sex life is fantastic, she has shared enough with me on her own letting me know how she feels about me sexually, so all is good there.

 

I did recently find out one of her male friends is someone she use to date. She told me all of her girlfriends, including his who is a good friend of hers, told her there was no way she should tell me as most men can't deal with it. We have talked about it, she understands how I feel she should have told me sooner (I have met him 3 times out with his girlfriend) and she has apologized. She was worried how I would react and even wondered if I needed to know..kind of like needing to know about past sex partners.

 

I am like you, conservative, never really partied, straight line kind of guy. She has a very decorated partying past, and I mean very as in partying with celebrities, partying 3-4 nights a week, well into her mid 30s. She states there was no sex, that it was social for her. She is a very social person and loves to talk to people..I see this in her when we go out and when we are with her friends and mine. She has described events where there was sex going on (not in front of her) though she made it quite clear she was not that type of person. And, if it got to that point, the friendship stopped for her. She also has 3-4 male friends, most 10+ year friendships, long before we met, that she will have lunch with occassionally. One in particular she will party with untill the early morning. It's happend 2 times in 9+ months. I go crazy thinking these men have a sexual interest in her..they have too, she is gorgeous!

 

I am obsessing over this partying life style, can I trust her now, how different our lifestyles were and may still be, etc. I wish like heck I could get these obsessive thoughts out of my head. I have good days and bad days. On the good days I love being with her. On the bad days I will shut down and get quiet. She picks up on it too though I have not shared my thoughts with her.

 

What I also think contributes to this is she is a beautiful woman with a playboy like body. Men look at her, I see it. She tells me men are going to look at her no matter what she wears or how she dresses. She dresses nice, sometimes showing some cleavage and leg, though no matter what she wears you can see her incredible shape...and it bugs me that men look at her. Yeah, my insecurities I know, though sometimes I wonder if she wants the attention. And then I think it's OK to want attention.

 

So, though I cannot help you, I wanted you to hear my story so you know you are not alone. Sometimes I think the best think to do is end the relationship as I am not being fair to her for one and the anxiety is killing me. Yet I can't as I am crazy about her and she does nothing but show me how crazy she is about me.

[KungFuJoe]

Either way...op hasn't responded and I'm VERY curious about his mother relationship.

 

No joke, but even on this forum alone and the stories I've read elsewhere on the internet (and my own situation)...almost everyone has had some type of issue with their mother. Either not enough attention, too much attention, abuse, abandonment, etc.

 

I believe that the son/mother relationship is THE most important factor in how a boy turns into a "man". The father helps too...but it's mostly the mother.

 

There was even an article I read recently about the madonna/whore complex (related to RJ) and how a LOT of men "suffer" from this. More than you would think.

[Quiet Storm]

Either way...op hasn't responded and I'm VERY curious about his mother relationship.

 

No joke, but even on this forum alone and the stories I've read elsewhere on the internet (and my own situation)...almost everyone has had some type of issue with their mother. Either not enough attention, too much attention, abuse, abandonment, etc.

 

I believe that the son/mother relationship is THE most important factor in how a boy turns into a "man". The father helps too...but it's mostly the mother.

 

There was even an article I read recently about the madonna/whore complex (related to RJ) and how a LOT of men "suffer" from this. More than you would think.

 

I think this is very common, but I don't really correlate it to a mother issue. I have witnessed it in men who had normal, stable relationships with their mothers.

 

I think many men are naturally possessive, and wish they were the only man their wives or girlfriends had been with sexually. For most men, this is an unrealistic wish and they come to terms with it. For others, it creates huge problems. I think it's one of those primal feelings, and related to a man's desire to ensure that their offspring are truly theirs.

 

I think it is a very normal and common feeling for men to have, and the way they handle their feelings has more to do with their coping skills, than mommy issues.

[ascendotum]

Either way...op hasn't responded and I'm VERY curious about his mother relationship.

 

No joke, but even on this forum alone and the stories I've read elsewhere on the internet (and my own situation)...almost everyone has had some type of issue with their mother. Either not enough attention, too much attention, abuse, abandonment, etc.

 

I believe that the son/mother relationship is THE most important factor in how a boy turns into a "man". The father helps too...but it's mostly the mother.

 

There was even an article I read recently about the madonna/whore complex (related to RJ) and how a LOT of men "suffer" from this. More than you would think.

 

So say a guy's mother used to not give him enough attention...how does that apply to the OP for instance?

You could say if a guy had a mother like that, that he would seek out lots of partners to get the love & attention he missed out on (not the case with OP).

You could say he seeks out a really nurturing, fuss over, motherly kind of woman because of that (maybe the case with OP).

You could say he seeks a strong personality, dominant type woman because of that (maybe the case with OP).

You could say he seeks out a woman that has only just had him as a partner or a woman not that interested in sex, like a non sexualized mom substitute (maybe the case with the OP).

You could say he does not want a partner with a high partner count because he feels less special in her life and wants a woman in his life that he feels special about because he missed out on that with his mother (maybe the case with OP).

You can use that type of mother son relationship to explain a guy being a root rat AND also being cold & indifferent towards women.

[xxoo]

If you could have had a period of casual (safe) sex at a similar age, would you have wanted to?

 

She could, and she did. Would you have done the same, given the chance?

 

I don't really understand retroactive jealousy, because I'm a woman with a tiny history--and that caused me to wonder "what if...." a lot in my 20s (I got over it). I imagine that a man or woman who sows those wild oats at the appropriate time might be more appreciative about and satisfied with one really GREAT partner when the time comes.

[boaaaar]

save money travel to a third world country and bang the **** out of 30 hookers problem solved

[KungFuJoe]

I think this is very common, but I don't really correlate it to a mother issue. I have witnessed it in men who had normal, stable relationships with their mothers.

 

I think many men are naturally possessive, and wish they were the only man their wives or girlfriends had been with sexually. For most men, this is an unrealistic wish and they come to terms with it. For others, it creates huge problems. I think it's one of those primal feelings, and related to a man's desire to ensure that their offspring are truly theirs.

 

I think it is a very normal and common feeling for men to have, and the way they handle their feelings has more to do with their coping skills, than mommy issues.

 

Well...to elaborate a little further...

 

I think it IS normal for a man to want his woman to be his and only his. Look up "paternity certainty" for more info but the gist of it is...in the old days a man couldn't be sure his offspring were actually his (a woman NEVER has this issue, for obvious reasons). So the only way to be as sure as possible was to be with a virgin or a woman who had the least amount of partners. I'm talking old days, before civilization or societies and people were having sex like animals.

 

If you think about how long humans have been on the planet but how short actual civilized society is in comparison you can see why those unnecessary "traits" still exist in us in some fashion even though we have DNA tests today to ensure paternity.

 

So, yes, I believe most, if not all men would PREFER a woman with less partners. Or I should say...less casual partners because it's hardly ever about past bf's or ex husbands.

 

BUT, even though most men would prefer a woman with less partners...he's more or less "whatever" about it. It doesn't take over his life...or obsess his thoughts...or compels him to write a post about it on Loveshack. THOSE are the people, imo, that have a "deeper" issue with it. They have something in their upbringing that causes them to REALLY obsess about it and are unable to shake it from their thoughts.

 

I know that a person's past somewhat defines who they are. I just think that the ENDLESS RUMINATION that occurs when it's based on sex is what makes it an "illogical" reaction.

 

If this same girl, instead of having had so much sex in the past...say she...robbed banks...or she lied her way through an interview to get a job...or she cheated on her taxes. All signs of bad character, right? But does the guy spend hours upon hours just obsessing? Does he play "movies" in his head of her robbing banks...or lying on her taxes? Sure...it probably bothers the guy, but I guarantee that it's easier to get those thoughts of his head than the "sexual" stuff.

[Quiet Storm]

If this same girl, instead of having had so much sex in the past...say she...robbed banks...or she lied her way through an interview to get a job...or she cheated on her taxes. All signs of bad character, right? But does the guy spend hours upon hours just obsessing? Does he play "movies" in his head of her robbing banks...or lying on her taxes? Sure...it probably bothers the guy, but I guarantee that it's easier to get those thoughts of his head than the "sexual" stuff.

 

I just don't think this is a "mommy issue". I think it is very common feeling in males because men tend to be more possessive and competitive. Men don't obsess about the other characater issues because those things don't threaten his ego. Those other things don't bring up sexual insecurities that many man have, such as his ability to satisfy her sexually, or whether she did things with/for other men that she hasn't done for him. In additon, in couples affected by infidelity, a man will often be disgusted over physical acts his wife did with another man, obsessing over physical acts & positions, while a woman is often much more affected by romantic words & guestures, time spent on the other woman and gifts or money given to the other woman. I think these feelings are very primal and are prompted by evolutionary instincts, created by our ancestors needs at the time- males wanting to ensure that no other man fathers his children, and females wanting to ensure that her husband's time and recources are kept at home.

 

As for obsessing about it, I just disagree that is because of mommy. I think most males have these kind of feelings, but the males that are emotionally mature and have good coping skills deal with these feelings in a healthy manner. Men with poor coping skills do not have the tools to deal with the feelings, and the emotions surrounding it are never properly dealt with. This causes the obsession and rumination. Mothers do play a part in modeling ways to cope and deal with stress, though.

 

In addition, sometimes these feelings keep surfacing because their partners past actions conflict with their own values, morals or standards. If he remains in the relationshp despite that, those obsessions could be his internal warning bells saying "this person is not right for you". Many people that are divorced or in bad marriages say "if I had only listened to that voice inside my head". Sometimes those "obsessions" should not be buried and ignored, but considered, because they may be caused by incompatibility.

[KungFuJoe]

I just don't think this is a "mommy issue". I think it is very common feeling in males because men tend to be more possessive and competitive. Men don't obsess about the other characater issues because those things don't threaten his ego. Those other things don't bring up sexual insecurities that many man have, such as his ability to satisfy her sexually, or whether she did things with/for other men that she hasn't done for him. In additon, in couples affected by infidelity, a man will often be disgusted over physical acts his wife did with another man, obsessing over physical acts & positions, while a woman is often much more affected by romantic words & guestures, time spent on the other woman and gifts or money given to the other woman. I think these feelings are very primal and are prompted by evolutionary instincts, created by our ancestors needs at the time- males wanting to ensure that no other man fathers his children, and females wanting to ensure that her husband's time and recources are kept at home.

 

As for obsessing about it, I just disagree that is because of mommy. I think most males have these kind of feelings, but the males that are emotionally mature and have good coping skills deal with these feelings in a healthy manner. Men with poor coping skills do not have the tools to deal with the feelings, and the emotions surrounding it are never properly dealt with. This causes the obsession and rumination. Mothers do play a part in modeling ways to cope and deal with stress, though.

 

In addition, sometimes these feelings keep surfacing because their partners past actions conflict with their own values, morals or standards. If he remains in the relationshp despite that, those obsessions could be his internal warning bells saying "this person is not right for you". Many people that are divorced or in bad marriages say "if I had only listened to that voice inside my head". Sometimes those "obsessions" should not be buried and ignored, but considered, because they may be caused by incompatibility.

 

Like I mentioned...the BASE of RJ is paternity uncertainty.

 

What drives it into obsession is mommy issues.

 

There are exceptions, but you'd be surprised how many people I encounter on the internet that suffer from severe RJ and also had bad relationships with their mothers.

 

Myself included.

 

Everyone has a moral compass and they would like their partner to share the same. But most don't sit at night awake, unable to sleep, or constantly obsessing, playing "movies" in their heads, unable to function because their partners might have done something "unethical" in the past. It's only when it comes to sex that it drives someone "mad".

[Quiet Storm]

We just disagree. I believe it is more about resiliency, personality, temperment and how a person copes with feelings.

 

My husband and I started dating when I was 15. When I was 18, we broke up for a few months. During that time, I dated atwo other guys (none seriously). When we got back together, he was obsessive about it, wanting to know every detail. He had a great relationship with his mom, she wasn't neglectful, she wasn't overbearing. And yet he was still obsessed, which I blame on his immaturity at the time and coping skills.

 

My boys are so different. One of my sons is insanely competitive and hated sharing his toys. I had to teach him to deal with his feelings of possessiveness. I taught him to "sit" with his emotions and feelings. If he were not taught those skills, I could easily see him obsessing like this. My other son, however, is easygoing and naturally accepting. He lets things roll off his back and easily puts his problems in perspective, on his own. I can see him being accepting and non-judgemental, even if slightly bothered. Both boys were raised by the same mama, and yet their temperments & reactions to stress are totally different.

 

The cause of this is actually redundant, though. Figuring out whether it was your mother or just a facet of your personality doesn't solve the problem. What is important is developing the skills to overcome it.

Edited January 16, 2013 by Quiet Storm

[KungFuJoe]

We just disagree. I believe it is more about resiliency, personality, temperment and how a person copes with feelings.

 

My husband and I started dating when I was 15. When I was 18, we broke up for a few months. During that time, I dated atwo other guys (none seriously). When we got back together, he was obsessive about it, wanting to know every detail. He had a great relationship with his mom, she wasn't neglectful, she wasn't overbearing. And yet he was still obsessed, which I blame on his immaturity at the time and coping skills.

 

My boys are so different. One of my sons is insanely competitive and hated sharing his toys. I had to teach him to deal with his feelings of possessiveness. I taught him to "sit" with his emotions and feelings. If he were not taught those skills, I could easily see him obsessing like this. My other son, however, is easygoing and naturally accepting. He lets things roll off his back and easily puts his problems in perspective, on his own. I can see him being accepting and non-judgemental, even if slightly bothered. Both boys were raised by the same mama, and yet their temperments & reactions to stress are totally different.

 

The cause of this is actually redundant, though. Figuring out whether it was your mother or just a facet of your personality doesn't solve the problem. What is important is developing the skills to overcome it.

 

I did say there were exceptions...and truth be told, neither of us are experts on this matter.

 

I don't think we really disagree THAT much. It's definitely something instilled in our personalities. And our personalities can be modified based on our upbringing.

 

Either way, I agree that you need to develop skills to overcome it. But in order to overcome it, you have to find the ROOT cause. Which is why I always ask people about their upbringing.

[markpr]

Sorry about the radio silence over the last week. I've been carefully meditating and contemplating on how to objectively assess the situation without introducing any new variables into the equation.

 

So... I did end up talking to her about this situation over the last weekend. And yes, we did go into some level of detail about her escapades. There were the partying years and then there were the dating years following that. Obviously, there was a fair amount drunken making out and stuff (no ONS, she says...) during the clubbing years. Following that, during dating and stuff, she said that there was one ONS and that was with someone within her extended friend circle. There also seems to be a few guy friends from her past that she said she only made out with but still she has contact with (I don't know why...).

 

Obviously and understandably, she's downplaying some of these incidents (we all do, I guess). However, it's the increasing "body count" that's starting to worry me. The number of "incidents" increased over the course of our conversation and that was only because I kept probing (I know, I've gone way past the point of no return) to get a clearer picture. What were initially friends then became make out partners. I did not want to know more at that point because I think I'd reach information overload. My gut feeling tells me there's more... there's quite a bit more.

 

 

I really don't know. I'm torn up here. There are times I feel that this is just my mind doing a one-up on me and then there are times when I feel that there are some major red flags here, staring me right in the face. I can't sleep at night and I can't focus at work. This thing is getting to me, bigtime. Yes, yes, I know... many of you have advocated that the past is the past and you just focus on the person in front of you now. It's not quite so easy as some of you've indicated though - emotions aren't something you just turn on and off like a light switch. They play with you and then toy with your insecurities.

 

Oh well, this is indeed a conundrum.

[xxoo]

I know... many of you have advocated that the past is the past and you just focus on the person in front of you now. It's not quite so easy as some of you've indicated though - emotions aren't something you just turn on and off like a light switch. They play with you and then toy with your insecurities.

 

You can't change her past. But you can change your insecurities.

 

I'd advise doing some work to explore your insecurities directly, rather than focusing on her past, and see if that helps you find some peace with the situation.

[ThaWholigan]

Sorry about the radio silence over the last week. I've been carefully meditating and contemplating on how to objectively assess the situation without introducing any new variables into the equation.

 

So... I did end up talking to her about this situation over the last weekend. And yes, we did go into some level of detail about her escapades. There were the partying years and then there were the dating years following that. Obviously, there was a fair amount drunken making out and stuff (no ONS, she says...) during the clubbing years. Following that, during dating and stuff, she said that there was one ONS and that was with someone within her extended friend circle. There also seems to be a few guy friends from her past that she said she only made out with but still she has contact with (I don't know why...).

 

Obviously and understandably, she's downplaying some of these incidents (we all do, I guess). However, it's the increasing "body count" that's starting to worry me. The number of "incidents" increased over the course of our conversation and that was only because I kept probing (I know, I've gone way past the point of no return) to get a clearer picture. What were initially friends then became make out partners. I did not want to know more at that point because I think I'd reach information overload. My gut feeling tells me there's more... there's quite a bit more.

 

 

I really don't know. I'm torn up here. There are times I feel that this is just my mind doing a one-up on me and then there are times when I feel that there are some major red flags here, staring me right in the face. I can't sleep at night and I can't focus at work. This thing is getting to me, bigtime. Yes, yes, I know... many of you have advocated that the past is the past and you just focus on the person in front of you now. It's not quite so easy as some of you've indicated though - emotions aren't something you just turn on and off like a light switch. They play with you and then toy with your insecurities.

 

Oh well, this is indeed a conundrum.

I think you are never going to be comfortable with this, so it is best you try to move on somehow. It will hurt you, and it will probably hurt her also, but it's for the best. You should find somebody whose past doesn't discomfort you in this manner.

 

Alternatively, you can try to overcome your doubts about her and your upset about her past, but that will be a hard road wrought with insecurity and probably fights with her (speculating, could be wrong). It's up to you, but I'm guessing this won't resolve itself, so you should probably look to find another girl who is more suitable for you.

[KungFuJoe]

markpr,

 

Your problem is SEVERE. There are various "levels" of retroactive jealousy and I can see the signs in you. You have it BIG TIME. I know because I see a lot of you in how I used to be.

 

You're obsessing over guys she made out with...not just the ones she had sex with.

 

My first gf, when I was first with her was 22. Her ENTIRE past experience included sex with one other guy (her first boyfriend of like 3 years, they were in love, she only left because she had to leave the country, etc, etc) and one other boyfriend she just barely kissed. And then there was me. You can't get much more "innocent" than that....

 

...and I STILL had very bad retroactive jealousy.

 

We broke up eventually (not due to RJ, but it didn't help), and I dated other girls, including two other LTR and I had it in some form or fashion with each one. The closer I got to them, the more I felt it.

 

Trust me...this will NOT go away even if you break up with this girl. The next girl you meet, unless she has never even kissed another guy (good luck with that), you will find something to obsess over. And then you're just getting older...and girls/women around you are just getting older, with more and more experience behind them.

 

I hate to say this to you, but I'm gonna be blunt.

 

You are suffering from PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). You have something that occured in your past that is causing you to react this way. Now, I know some others might jump in and say that I'm overreacting...that you are perfectly within your rights to want someone of the same "moral ground" as yourself, etc, etc. But, look deep inside yourself. Tell me...how "normal" do you feel when you're sitting there obsessing over your gf's past...all those mental movies playing back in your head...unable to function or concentrate on anything except her past? Do you feel normal?

 

You also made a HUUUUUUUUUGE mistake by asking for details. NEVER EVER ask for details. They create "triggers"...and for people with PTSD such as yourself, triggers are the enemy.

 

Example...you might know your gf had sex with a guy in the past. And that bothers you...but you don't know any details so you have no actual "triggers". But you ask for details and she tells you they had sex in the passenger seat of his car one night. Now everytime your gf gets in your car and sits in the passenger seat....BOOM...trigger.

 

I honestly think you need to see a therapist about this. There is an underlying issue that you need to uncover.

[fortyninethousand322]

One has to think if women are that loose. How come more of you aren't getting laid?

 

Repeat customers. Each woman isn't sleeping with a fresh batch of 15-20 men. There's a lot of overlap.

[ChessPieceFace]

One has to think if women are that loose. How come more of you aren't getting laid?

 

Because they're all being played by the same players.

[markpr]

KFJ, I kinda understand where you're coming from on this retroactive jealousy concept. However, a few things I'd like to clarify here:

 

1. I'm not too worried about her making out during her clubbing/wild years. Really, I'm not. It's... making out... kissing. Really, that's not the end of the world for me.

2. I never asked for graphic details per se. And I never received graphic details because we both agreed beforehand that such a level of detail won't help anyone. So, to your point, I don't know exactly when, where, or how her adventures happened. Just high-level information as of now.

 

The things I am worried about are:

 

1. Escalation: like I mentioned before, some of the people she first indicated as just being friends eventually became people she made out with (because I asked her and because the scenarios she came up with were ripe for such a physical transition). Extrapolating that, it's not too difficult to imagine that these make out sessions actually were full-on sexual romps. And I really don't want to be around any "friends" she has such experiences with. Is this a trust issue on my side? Could very well be.

2. My insecurities. I won't lie to you, ever since I've heard of her clubbing and sexual escapades, my insecurities have come to the fore. There's a part of me that wishes that I could've spent my mid to late 20s clubbing and doing what-nots without a care in the world. That's a delicate part of me that I hadn't really attended to because I had always focused on helping others and working for a cause. In that sense, I suddenly feel inadequate for the first time in the relationship.

Does that mean that I've to work on my insecurities? You betcha.

 

That's where I stand... for now. KFJ, one last question though: are you sure you're not projecting your own retroactive jealousy onto my situation here?

I ask this with great respect because I don't want this to turn into a flame war

Edited January 26, 2013 by markpr

[miss_jaclynrae]

You just have to learn to accept it, and yeah, I know, that SUCKS, and it is way harder to actually do.

 

She hasn't done anything wrong, and it isn't fair of you to judge her on her past. Look at how well things are going! You said yourself you are on the same page when it comes to pretty much everything.

 

 

She can't change what she has done, and I can say right now, if you in anyway make it seem like you are judging her, it WILL push her away. It is hurtful when someone who you have grown to care about finds out your past and immediately acts as if it changes everything about it.

It doesn't change anything, it only changes the way you see her, and that is something only YOU have control over.

 

 

 

My boyfriend is a recovering alcoholic, he partied non-stop for 10 years, he has experienced things that I will never do, and talks highly of them. I have had a very insane past year and my number is probably considered high. We know the others past, and we BOTH had to learn to accept it. It was hard [especially for him, most men like to think their women were innocent angels before they met them] some feelings were hurt on both sides, and it ultimately caused a problem in a relationship that had none.

 

 

I wish I could go back and not share that info, but it was shared, and guess what? We just had to learn to let it go!

I really hope things go well!

[KungFuJoe]

KFJ, I kinda understand where you're coming from on this retroactive jealousy concept. However, a few things I'd like to clarify here:

 

1. I'm not too worried about her making out during her clubbing/wild years. Really, I'm not. It's... making out... kissing. Really, that's not the end of the world for me.

 

Actually, the fact that you brought it up shows it DOES bother you. If it was inconsequential to you, you wouldn't even have mentioned it.

 

2. I never asked for graphic details per se. And I never received graphic details because we both agreed beforehand that such a level of detail won't help anyone. So, to your point, I don't know exactly when, where, or how her adventures happened. Just high-level information as of now.

 

This may seem harmless to you now...but tell me honestly...are you BETTER off than you were before you knew details?

 

Remember what I said about triggers.

 

The things I am worried about are:

 

1. Escalation: like I mentioned before, some of the people she first indicated as just being friends eventually became people she made out with (because I asked her and because the scenarios she came up with were ripe for such a physical transition). Extrapolating that, it's not too difficult to imagine that these make out sessions actually were full-on sexual romps. And I really don't want to be around any "friends" she has such experiences with. Is this a trust issue on my side? Could very well be.

2. My insecurities. I won't lie to you, ever since I've heard of her clubbing and sexual escapades, my insecurities have come to the fore. There's a part of me that wishes that I could've spent my mid to late 20s clubbing and doing what-nots without a care in the world. That's a delicate part of me that I hadn't really attended to because I had always focused on helping others and working for a cause. In that sense, I suddenly feel inadequate for the first time in the relationship.

Does that mean that I've to work on my insecurities? You betcha.

 

That's where I stand... for now. KFJ, one last question though: are you sure you're not projecting your own retroactive jealousy onto my situation here?

I ask this with great respect because I don't want this to turn into a flame war

 

I'm not projecting my RJ onto you. I don't have it anymore. I discovered the "root" of my issues and once I knew it, it was the beginning of the solution for me. What I am doing is telling you, from my experiences and the significant research I've done on it (mostly reading and conversing with people about their bouts with RJ) that there are tell tale signs of bad RJ, and you exhibit a lot of them.