She's had more experience than me... how do I get over this?

[markpr]

Hi all,

 

First off, I apologize if I'm posting this in the wrong section of the forum - evidently, it's my first time posting here, so go easy on me!

 

Anyways, I've been with a girl for close to 6 months now. It's been great - actually, it's been beyond amazing! We get along so well, we are mostly on the same wavelength about most things (trivial as well as serious), and we are more or less in the same place in life i.e. we plan on making this a long-term commitment at some point in the future. Physically, too, it has been pretty good and we are aptly learning what works best in bed for us.

 

Initially, I did indicate to her that I'm not interested in what happened in the past to either of us. The past is the past and, as much as the inquisitive side of us would want to know, it can only bring us pain and insecurity. With that in mind, we briefly talked about the relationships we've been in (I can't emphasize 'briefly' enough). I was, for the most part, fairly okay with that.

Over the last month or so, through the course of normal conversation, I've gotten to know that she went through a wild phase in her early to mid 20s where she partied endlessly and generally did things as a way of rebelling against her family. While I understand that this is quite normal for many young people to go through, I was quite intrigued by how she spoke of those years. While she didn't elaborate, she did give off the distinct and deliberate impression that there was some serious physical debauchery during those years. When I pushed her gently for more info (even though I knew better), she said it was all 'frivolous' and she had to 'get it out of her system'. And that's where we left the convo.

 

And that's where I come in. For some reason, this has left me quite shocked. After some reflection, I've whittled down my thoughts into:

 

1- This may've slightly impacted my initial impression of her. While I knew before that she was by no means a sexually naiive person, this new info takes away my initial impression of her. She's now this very sexually experienced person who has had far more experiences (of all sorts) than me. She may not be quite the innocent little thing that she portrays herself to be. And the thing is, this is what I was privy to... for all I know, this could be the tip of the iceberg. This, combined with the fact that she lives in a much bigger city that's known for hookups and what nots, leads my imagination to torture me endlessly!

 

2- This does make me feel a little insecure (I'll be the first one to tell you). My mid to late 20s was comprised of hunting desperately for work, changing cities, and, due to certain circumstances, having to support my parents. I led a very ascetic and buttoned down life during those years with nary an opportunity to even think of exploring the wild side of life. And by the time I had gotten to a point where I had most things in order, I found that the wild phase had passed me by. The fact that my gf had (and obviously enjoyed) an extremely active sexual and partying phase makes me feel like the lesser one (for whatever reason) in the relationship.

 

So the questions comes down to this:

- How do I get over this? Part of me almost wants to go out and do something stupid and wild in order to feel like I've done something crazy in life (and feel like an equal in that respect). Don't worry, I know I won't cave in to such an irrational thought!

- Should I be worried at all that she's obviously had a colorful wild phase a few years ago? Should I be concerned about anything else?

 

Also, a few other things:

- This isn't about her. At all. This is about me - I'm the one feeling insecure through no present fault of hers.

- I'm quite aware that our ego/mind is usually our worst enemy. Sometimes, we deliberately yet subconsciously go looking for flaws and problems when we should instead be happy with what we have.

- To all the women replying to this post, please understand that this is not a comment on all women out there. So please refrain from trashing me for expressing my thoughts. I'm just a stupid bloke venting here.

- While I'd really really appreciate any reply and/or advice I can get, I also wouldn't want this thread to erupt into a full-on gender-based trench warfare. There are enough misunderstandings out there in the world: let's not contribute to it any further

 

Thanks in advance for your time and effort!

AnalysisParalysis

[ls32ssibm]

Get over it or lose her. I've been down this road before, and nobody likes a judgmental person. Even women.

 

 

 

Simple as that. Shouldn't have asked her about her sexual past. Lesson learned, right?

 

 

Don't ask questions you won't like the answer to.

[ls32ssibm]

You may not like what I'm going to say, but I'll say it anyway.

 

So there it goes. Another male shacked up with a reformed party girl. This is why good guys and former town bicycles don't make good pairings. You will never get over it. Her saying that she needed to "get it out of her system" was another way of saying that she wanted to sleep around with guys that were more attractive than you, more dominant than you. Then, when it comes to marriage, she marries a guy like you because she knows that she can get away with it. This isnt about her? Of course it's about her. If it wasn't about her, you wouldn't be posting on here.

 

Me personally, I would never get into a relationship with a girl like that let alone marry one. Girls like that are a dime a dozen and want a free pass to slut around and then reform themselves so that they can attract a hardworking male such as yourself. This scenario is seen waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too often in the modern world. Female has reckless sex with alphas during her 20s, finds a beta guy when she's ready to settle down. This will always bother you because she had "fun" while you were buckling down looking for a job. Would you want the mother of your newborn child to be a reformed slut that was ruled by her genitals that had to "get it out of her system"? Do you think most of those guys she had sex with were actually worth a ****? Did they provide anything of substance? To me, a high partner count signals lack of self-restraint and lack of self-discipline, two qualities I would value in a wife and mother to my children.

 

I just see numerous red flags going up already. Vague partying past, dismissal of the issue when you pressed for more info... Whatever people say, the past is not the past. The decisions we make in life echo for eternity and shape our consciousness.

 

No one here can give you advice, in the end, you must listen to yourself honestly and decide whether you want a future with this woman or not. Meditate on it and be as objective as possible.

 

 

 

I'm willing to bet if he has a manwhore while she was slutting around, or even if the tables were completely turned, it wouldn't bother her if she really liked him.

 

 

Also, drop this whole "alpha" crap.

[pettie]

You may not like what I'm going to say, but I'll say it anyway.

 

So there it goes. Another male shacked up with a reformed party girl. This is why good guys and former town bicycles don't make good pairings. You will never get over it. Her saying that she needed to "get it out of her system" was another way of saying that she wanted to sleep around with guys that were more attractive than you, more dominant than you. Then, when it comes to marriage, she marries a guy like you because she knows that she can get away with it. This isnt about her? Of course it's about her. If it wasn't about her, you wouldn't be posting on here.

 

Me personally, I would never get into a relationship with a girl like that let alone marry one. Girls like that are a dime a dozen and want a free pass to slut around and then reform themselves so that they can attract a hardworking male such as yourself. This scenario is seen waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too often in the modern world. Female has reckless sex with alphas during her 20s, finds a beta guy when she's ready to settle down. This will always bother you because she had "fun" while you were buckling down looking for a job. Would you want the mother of your newborn child to be a reformed slut that was ruled by her genitals that had to "get it out of her system"? Do you think most of those guys she had sex with were actually worth a ****? Did they provide anything of substance? To me, a high partner count signals lack of self-restraint and lack of self-discipline, two qualities I would value in a wife and mother to my children.

 

I just see numerous red flags going up already. Vague partying past, dismissal of the issue when you pressed for more info... Whatever people say, the past is not the past. The decisions we make in life echo for eternity and shape our consciousness.

 

No one here can give you advice, in the end, you must listen to yourself honestly and decide whether you want a future with this woman or not. Meditate on it and be as objective as possible.

 

Welcome to Trolling 101.

[ja123]

You answered your question in your well written post, OP.

 

You know it's irrational, and that it's your insecurities; but can you get over it? Time will tell.

 

I can understand how you're feeling though and I sympathize.

 

As for me, though I do not want to know someone's sexual history in detail, I would prefer a partner who has done some wild and crazy sh*t because I have, too. And I wouldn't want any man to feel towards me as you are feeling, now, towards your GF. Because for me, it was just a phase and rather meaningless - although I have a few memories to put a smile on my face when I'm in the old-age home, if I make it that far! - I would readily trade all that for a good relationship with someone.

[StanMusial]

If you are really that inexperienced, this sounds like a good opportunity for you to learn some things and have some fun. But she might not be a good long term match for you and that is something you need to keep in mind. Also make sure you use protection during sex.

[Mumbles]

My take on these things is to _definitely_ not ask questions you don't want answered. You cannot unlearn things you are told.

 

You think you're feeling somewhat bad now and inquisitive? This will eat you up if you get the answer you most fear.

 

What matters most to me is how people are _now_ and how they treat me now. If she's monogamous now, presuming you've had that conversation, don't take anything as being implied, and if you two are a great couple, well, push these other thoughts out of your mind and don't explore them. Its an effort of will. You are 100% correct, this is about you, not her.

[markpr]

I really appreciate all the comments so far...

 

Just as a footnote, I'm no sexual imbecile in bed myself. I would say I know enough to be alright at it. However, my experiences have always been within the context of two committed relationships in the past.

My insecurity (atleast, I think) doesn't stem from being sexually compared against ex-es or onenighters.

However, there could be a red herring I just realized based on what someone posted earlier... she's always very careful and determined that we've protection during sex. That by itself doesn't mean much (safe is very good!) but, now that I know other aspects of her life, it does give me pause for thought.

[somedude81]

Here's the thing, unless you are a total player, or she's a very reserved girl, the vast majority of women will have a hell of a lot more "experience" than you.

 

From what I've heard, the average number of guys a 25 year old woman has been with is around 15-20.

[Mumbles]

... she's always very careful and determined that we've protection during sex. That by itself doesn't mean much (safe is very good!) but, now that I know other aspects of her life, it does give me pause for thought.

 

Adults should be able to have mature conversations about sexual health without feeling weird, or anxious or timid. Seems the right thing to do if there is likely to be a long term relationship here.

 

Get the health thoughts out of the way (doctors/certificate) and if the relationship is ready, have a monogamy talk - from here, protection is still a good idea, unless you're open to children right away or have 100% faith in the pill, presuming she's willing to take it - but at least any fears in the health direction will be somewhat abated.

[markpr]

Thanks Mumbles. I think that's a logical next step for me: to have a calm, straightforward health talk with her.

About protection though, she says she's been on the pills for a few years now and she also likes to use protection on top of that (double safe, I guess?).

[mortensorchid]

Well quite honestly, I have taken this attitude about people whenever I meet someone new, be they men or women. It would be foolish if not downright neive of you to assume that this person does not have some kind of past (unless you are in high school and both virgins). We have all done things we are not proud of, because it's part of growing up. I don't care if the man has been with 1 or 101 (and don't say that doesn't happen, because it does), that is the past and this is the now. What will your future be with them? Something or nothing?

 

I don't really ask others about their past unless they are doing things that are obviously destructive or crazy. And if they are, you don't really want to be with that person, right? Hopefully this gal is not one of those types who sleeps with EVERYONE who has a nickname like Greyhound (Here comes the bus! Everyone's been on!). I met a gal years ago who told me she has had sex with people she doesn't even like because she couldn't say no to anyone. Once you are there, you are pathological and in serious need of self esteem building.

[ls32ssibm]

Oh yeah, buddy? You may be right on the first part. I'm not a betting man, so I'd rather not bet on either of those. Then again, most people never beat the house casino. A cause of marital dissatisfaction early in a marriage is latent disgruntlement about a partner's past, whether it be on behalf of the male or female. People who are closely matched in terms of sexual experience whether it be low number of partners to high number of partners experience a better feeling of compatibility and don't feel as if they were cheated out of something when they were married. Former players don't do well with "good girls" and former sluts don't do well with former "good guys". An undercurrent of that could be different value systems and a different view of sex. If you don't believe me, look it up. I don't make this **** up.

 

Of course the guy's going to feel cheated. He already does as he said in his first post. She got to have "fun" while he was slaving his ass off. What kind of trade-off is that? Even if the guy was a manwhore and she was a virgin, most likely she would feel cheated, yeah. But then she might let it go. Being a "mawhore" is more acceptable than being a slut because you want to know why? Male promiscuity and female promiscuity rely on two different skill sets and barriers to entry. Do you ever wonder why most males never make it past 10 partners in a lifetime while the normal for females just coming out of college is 15-20? Because most males will never make it to the apex of being attractive to women whether in behaviors or physical features. Being a player and sleeping with a lot of women isn't easy. If getting laid was easy, then most of the threads you see about average men never getting sex laid wouldn't exist. For god's sake, there's an entire industry dedicated to teaching men skills to get laid. Do you see that for females? *crickets chirp* A woman can be of average attractiveness, doll herself up, and go to a bar and men will approach her. All she has to say is "yes or no". The difference between saying a slut and a normal girl who likes sex is self-restraint and self-control. A slut knows neither and will crave into her impulses when encountered with a guy who pushes all of her buttons. A woman can also go up to a guy in a bar or club and ask if he wants to be taken home later and few will reject unless he's gay or scared. This fact is what boils the blood of female "sex positivists" in their attempt to make female promiscuity as accepted as male promiscuity. I personally don't advocate for promiscuity of any kind, but when people say a person's past doesn't matter, they are dead wrong.

 

For me, I would rather not have a girl that was into the party lifestyle and decided it would be a good idea to play Slip 'n' Slide with 40 different guys (most of whom weren't worth much) before we met raise my children. If that makes me a "bad guy", then this country truly HAS gone down the toilet.

 

 

 

Make me.

 

You're just another Twittelattor, politically-correct, automaton that regurgitates what modern society has told him ad infinitum with little resistance whatsoever. Another person who wants to throw whatever morals we had in the trash can and build up a dystopia with politically-correct sanitized bull**** "values" where everyone is special, being mediocre is ok, and putting your children in front of the television screen is perfectly acceptable.

 

 

With that being said, you can go shove it.

 

 

 

tl;dr. I'm guessing you are bitter about having a low "number" or something.

[charlietheginger]

I stay away from chicks that have

Bumps on their lips and things below the

Neck that are pierced. Im 35 never had a std

[NervisPervis]

I don't know if this thread will help or not but...

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/367385-dirty-girls-who-expect-love-respect

 

You won't get over it, sorry to say. We date so we can find those with whom we are compatible. You are at a point of no return. You now need to know details. I can guarantee you won't like those details.

 

And here. I posted this recently for another member who lived a more...sheltered... life than his current girlfriend. HIS problem was that she's still partying, but the point is the same.

 

Good luck to you sir.

 

Let me tell you a tale. I love this story. Got it from another board. Guy and girl meet after college (different schools). Guy and girl fall in love and get married. A couple of years later, girl has 5 year college reunion at her sorority. Husband can't go. Wife is all "oh, that's too bad. I SOOO wanted you to meet everybody". Guy's work schedule changes and he can suddenly go. Guy's wife's demeanor is not exactly what he expected. Senses she was not REALLY all that excited about him going.

 

Long story short, it didn't take too much time or alcohol for her "sisters" to out her as the blowjob queen of the tri-delts, or whichever sorority it was. The number doesn't matter, it's moot anyhow. It went from 28 - 39 quickly enough to understand it was a lot higher. I'm sure he was a "the past is the past" guy like you, so he didn't ask. Neither one of them planned on it coming out. But it did.

[fortyninethousand322]

First and foremost, you shouldn't have asked. I've said this before and I'll say it again: if I ever have the incredible fortune of getting a girlfriend I won't ask a single thing about her past. I don't care who she had sex with, if she has kids/how many (unless they live with her) or if cheated, was married before etc. Don't want to know don't need to know. Out of sight out of mind. In exchange of course I won't reveal my inexperience.

 

But, I will say this. It is in general better for people with lots of experience to stick to dating other people with lots of experience and vice versa. Resentment or judgement is one issue, but another is the "weird" factor. Experienced people tend to think everyone is more or less as experienced as they are (obviously we're exempting the very experienced and porn actors/actresses from this) and when it's revealed that the person they're dating is not, they tend to view that person as "weird"/sheltered/sexually naive, etc. It's a judgement in a way, but it's more like they pity you. Pity is no basis for a relationship. So, it's best for people to stick with those with similar lifestyles.

[Quiet Storm]

You logically know that your feelings are irrational and rooted in your own insecurity.

 

As you have discovered, though, being logical about it doesn't stop those thoughts and feelings.

 

You can try to talk sense into yourself all day long, but those feelings & questions will keep popping up. Those thoughts make you uncomfortable and will eventually cause resentment. That resentment can change the vibe of your entire relationship.

 

Before you knew this stuff, you likely treasured your relationship with her. You could fully immerse yourself in happy moments without a care in the world. Now, you will have this nagging doubt that will creep in and tarnish those moments for you. That is not fair to her at all.

 

If you stay with her, you need to find a way to accept her past. If you don't think you can, let her go.

[KungFuJoe]

markpr,

 

How was your relationship with your mother growing up during early adolescence...and even before? Maybe like 8 or 9 to 14 or 15?

[silvermercy]

Sorry to say but I, too, doubt you will get over it. I'm a female and would not want a reformed party boy either. I wouldn't mind if he had a lot of sex partners (say 10+) in his quest for a serious relationship but it would definitely bother me if this exact same number had a casual theme.

 

So, basically, almost every one here will tell you to simply get over it, that past is the past (which I very disagree with since I'm a firm believer of the past being a great indicator of future behaviour) and blah blah blah... The "getting it out of your system" does not sit well with me either. I prefer to date people who never had the urge to get it out of their systems in the first place!

 

So, in a nutshell, people who have a high number will usually tell you to get over it. Well take it from me who is in an almost identical situation to yours (lack of wild past, moving towns due to job, financial strain etc). You most possibly won't get over it. It may even increase in intensity. That's because your views on standards, morals, approaches to relationships, sex acts, health, safety etc differ greatly. If you can get over it, that's great! But let me tell you, it ain't that easy! (Also, don't let anyone guilt-trip you that you're being over-sensitive etc. If it's a big deal to you, then it's a big deal!)

Edited January 14, 2013 by silvermercy

[aed]

I'm willing to bet if he has a manwhore while she was slutting around, or even if the tables were completely turned, it wouldn't bother her if she really liked him.

 

 

Also, drop this whole "alpha" crap.

 

 

 

Women are attracted to men with expirience. Men are not, plain and simple! (if you are a girl get over this fact!) if you take 100 men most of them will not like it if their wifes have slept around like the town slut. Look at the threads that women want to break it off because the guy is 24 and a virgin. You compariss is a little odd.

 

Second: I really hope that women dont settle for lesser. But the really hot girls i know dont have a problem sleeping and keeping the guys. And mostly are not know as sluts.

 

 

 

Lets face it, the struggle OP is going through is something most normal guys go through. Because you know: When she was sleeping with 100 hot guys, but none stayed. Guys begin to think: She is just with me because she cant get what she want. (and reading through some threads on LS you notice women will say i dont like the hot guys, but mostly its because those guys ended up hurting them) And guys think promoscious girls will cheat easier. ( I know some here people say this is bull****, but their are allot of guys who experienced different in this department).

 

@ OP:

 

I do I understand the gut feeling. Yet I do believe people can change! A girl can't see if you have your act together if you are inexperienced! And most of them don't mind.

So she can truly love you! And mabey you worked on yourself, became more attractive?

 

But this insecurtiy can be tikking time bomb. But before you conclude that it is only your insecurity (like some people always say in these threads)

 

Most of the times when you have an girlfriend who is more experienced then you it shouldnt be a problem! It is how she handles your insecurity, when she makes it all about herself. Move on. She is not gf material.

If she will help you get over it and makes you more secure, you have a 1 or 2 in a life type of girl!

 

ask your self this:

 

How does your girl react to other men:

IS she being flirty when men talk to her?

still having contact with ex's and former FWB?

having allot of clubbing nights without you?

 

if she is still doing these things, you have imo a very good reason to be insecure about this!

[markpr]

Thanks for the comments so far... I'll be meeting my gf in a couple of days and I'm still contemplating on how to handle this when we talk facetoface. Ironically, I too have to get this issue out of my system. And I think I've realized that bottling it up won't help - the mind conjures up too many images.

 

Right now, I'm just trying to meditate on everything. Kinda wish I could just talk to her in person right now and get it over with. On the other hand, maybe the extra two days might help me find a balance and see the issue(s) more objectively.

 

Btw, I'm not sure how my relationship with my mother really factors into all of this! That's a very bizarre question. I come from a slightly conservative upbringing but I've had a moderately liberal education/mindset - take that any way you will.

[KungFuJoe]

Thanks for the comments so far... I'll be meeting my gf in a couple of days and I'm still contemplating on how to handle this when we talk facetoface. Ironically, I too have to get this issue out of my system. And I think I've realized that bottling it up won't help - the mind conjures up too many images.

 

Right now, I'm just trying to meditate on everything. Kinda wish I could just talk to her in person right now and get it over with. On the other hand, maybe the extra two days might help me find a balance and see the issue(s) more objectively.

 

Btw, I'm not sure how my relationship with my mother really factors into all of this! That's a very bizarre question. I come from a slightly conservative upbringing but I've had a moderately liberal education/mindset - take that any way you will.

 

What you are suffering is called retroactive jealousy. It's actually somewhat common especially in men. I've had this myself so I can relate to how you feel.

 

A big part of getting over it is understanding where it comes from.

 

So again I ask. How was your relationship with your mom?

[Later82012]

I don't think I'd ever understand the 'getting it out of the system' part. Where is the limit? I guess the limit is when you feel like you are running out of decent options for a relationship or marriage. It seems there is no limit here too with cheaters.

[walfootrot2]

What you are suffering is called retroactive jealousy. It's actually somewhat common especially in men. I've had this myself so I can relate to how you feel.

 

This.

 

I used to be extremely jealous and possessive, until I met one incredible woman. She was beautiful, funny, smart and extremely kind hearted. She was great in bed, and easy to talk to about absolutely anything and everything.

 

BUT, years before I met her she had been an escort and later street walker. I learned very, very quickly that I wanted to be with this amazing woman I had better learn to deal with my insecurities.

 

We would walk down the street and guys would wink or look at her twice. Who was that I asked, "oh he was an old trick" came the reply.

 

This lady had been with literally hundreds and hundred if not thousands of men in her past. It was insane to think that I would have been the best man she had ever been with in the sack. Likewise it would have been insane to think that I had been blessed with the biggest penis she had ever seen.

 

I learned that history is history, while it can help shape a person, it is only part of that person. Today I have little problem with girls hanging out with their guy friends.

 

One thing I never do is ask a woman about her past sex life, other than if she has or has had STDs. It does not matter all that much to me anymore. All that matters is the relationship I am in with that woman. If cannot accept her past, it is wrong of me to expect her to accept mine.

[Mumbles]

...

BUT, years before I met her she had been an escort and later street walker. I learned very, very quickly that I wanted to be with this amazing woman I had better learn to deal with my insecurities.

 

We would walk down the street and guys would wink or look at her twice. Who was that I asked, "oh he was an old trick" came the reply.

 

This lady had been with literally hundreds and hundred if not thousands of men in her past. It was insane to think that I would have been the best man she had ever been with in the sack. Likewise it would have been insane to think that I had been blessed with the biggest penis she had ever seen.

 

I learned that history is history, while it can help shape a person, it is only part of that person. Today I have little problem with girls hanging out with their guy friends.

 

This, this, this. This is the mature way to handle an adult relationship.

 

Unless we're teenagers, we start accumulating baggage, and as we age, the pile gets big. No-one can fully judge another based upon that.

 

Live, love, today. Be safe, of course, have a care for your wellbeing, but leave stuff that ultimately isn't important at the door and enjoy your relationship.