I have nothing left to say..

[promises]

you are very right, Got It. No more knocking on those doors.

 

((thank you))

[dreamingoftigers]

How do you know what his family is doing? Why watch that happening?

 

Cut him off and forward all communications to his wife. Then eat the ice cream.

 

I can easily see how you are trying to help MUCHO HELP.

 

There's just enough of a disconnect between promises and you that she won't be able to see it as not insulting her and you won't be able to see why.

 

Promises:

 

One thing that helped me find my center was a total bottoming out.

 

I was so isolated it was horrid. And then I had supports on here.

 

One night, my husband was in treatment and we had fought. We didn't speak for a time (I can't remember how long) I was completely alone in my place. I ended up getting really sick for a few days. I couldn't reach any friends locally after having moved back the year before most of my friends that were out here had moved away since I had been gone. One was in the process of moving back but not soon enough. The only relatives out here were my parents (ha ha, real supportive, not).

 

I got so sick that I could barely move. I actually got sick on my bed one night and couldn't get myself up to clean it or myself up until the next afternoon.

 

From there, and with the help of TaraMaiden actually, (I still haven't forgotten that, ) I resolved not to be so isolated again. I still work hard at making new and healthier connections. Support groups has mixed results. I go to church more regularly and have made friends there. Also school and I was in a meetup infidelity support group for a bit, but decided I didn't want to make friends based on the fact that all of our spouses cheated).

 

It goes slow sometimes. Where are your friends Promises?

 

I have read (and truly believe) that many OW isolate themselves to MM when they become an AP. it makes sense because many don't approve of the relationship and MM is often only sporadically available so they must be available for him. It makes the fallout even harder.

 

Have you been on fb? Are you reconnecting with anyone?

 

You can PM me if you like.

 

I truly think if you focus on reading, meditating, a new hobby/goal, school, and maybe a new exercise program, you'll find he has no hold on you.

 

As for the W. She may seem VERY mean. I was MEAN, and have been almost bully-like to certain OW that spark me the wrong way on here.

 

Truly I feel that I am not naturally a mean person BUT TBH I feel that in some ways OW and MOW attacked my marriage and the commonly held mentality they had attacked my marriage. It wasn't until LS and consequent life events shaped me to realize that OW are often as much victims of MM as much ad themselves and that it isn't just some brutal invasion.

 

The W is not going to be able to see that side of it unless she knows more about OW in general. Quite frankly I was brutal to my father's OW. (I feel no guilt). I was also mean to the couple of my husband's OW that I tracked down online. I told one MOW that she was a vicious piece of sh*t fir what she did to my marriage and her own and exposed her to her H via Facebook forwarding my husband's and her correspondence.

 

There are consequences to relational actions. Very few relationships in this world exist in a bubble. This one in particular set you up to be targeted. I'm sorry this happened to you.

 

What you can do now is take yourself off of the firing block. I would forward the emails. All of them. It is her information to do what she wants with them. I would give her an explicit warning to have her and her husband NEVER contact you again EVER. you want out of their marriage FOREVER and this is your breakaway.

[veryhappy]

He needs to leave you alone for good. Brainstorm what would achieve that. A call from one of your male relatives? Getting an attorney involved? Most have something that stops them.

 

You will be in pain as long as he'll poke you. Read Tenacity's threads to see how his guy who's also religious kept her on the edge for years. Last time he showed up in person.

 

There's no healing as long as he can do that. You need to go full force on him until he gets it, no A, no friendship( that's a joke), no contact.

 

Edit to add: you need to be proactive and block him because otherwise he'll believe you're just playing hard to get, and it's only a question of time until you go back. He has years ahead to mess with you. ExMM offered time if I needed it when he saw I wasn't answering. I was crushed, and he generously gave me time until we would resume the As. These guys are delusional, so do not think that only by you staying NC he will stay away.

Edited January 13, 2013 by cutedragon

[movingon45]

The eMM's contact last week has, of course, done what it always does and left me feeling absolutely miserable days later. I did not respond to him. This hasn't been the case in true form ever before. I'd always say something even if small.

 

I'm very bothered today. Because I know that his entire family and many many mutual friends are rallying around both he and his BS lately giving a lot of support and attention. He is obviously, too, or this wouldn't be the case.

 

I'm very hurt by his continued actions towards me and his fishing or whatever it is he is doing.

 

It bothers me so much that I am but a thought in his days every couple of weeks now. "Checking in"... when at one point he supposedly loved me. All of it bothers me.

 

I have thought of a million things to say to him and yet, not one of them sounds right anymore. Not one thing is something I want to say. This hurt is too deep.

 

I know somewhere he knows I am hurting. But, I doubt he understand the extent of it. Nor does he care enough to do more than the occasional check in.

 

I have nothing to say. We can never be friends again, like we once were. We can never be lovers. We can never be anything but a memory. And, now even the friendship is stained and washed away.

 

I just have nothing more to say.

 

I feel insulted and I feel like he will never know just how much this has hurt me.

 

Good for you for not responding!!! I've been waiting for that to happen ever since he didn't respond to my text after our LC and 8 days of NC. I'm waiting for the day when he would text and then I won't say anything LOL!

 

You're still hurting, so it doesn't look like you have moved on completely, but you're getting there towards acceptance because you controlled having to say something.

 

Happy for you! I know it still hurts but you'll get there. He probably wants to say something more but "checking in" is a start probably hoping that you'll bite and you didn't!

[awkward]

One no contact letter from an attorney should put this contact matter to bed. Have the attorney state the consequences of contact and then follow through.

 

If you want no contact, and you should because each email sets you back, you need to be proactive about it. Sure it is a pain to change yet another email address, but you aren't doing it for him. It is for you to heal. You have to love yourself, give yourself the tools you need to recover from this affair, and block all access to/from him so you won't have to get through this healing journey in circles.

 

Why allow him to hurt you one more time? Haven't you had enough? (((promises)))

[Got it]

The disconnect is that promises doesn't want him (fine, he's no prize) but she is resentful he's with his wife (where surely he should a) not know b) not care c) say that's the right thing or d) pity his wife.

 

The disconnect is telling us something. She still sees his wife as tw bad guy and thinks he should be atoning to his OW not his wife. (ETA you can't do both- to atone to your wife means totally wiping out the Ow or vice versa in reality)

 

Until she processes that and resolves the disconnect I can't see all the pampering in the world helping.

 

And that IS constructive.

 

Please don't put words in someone else's mouth. That is presumptuous. You have NO idea what affairs are like, from any angle, and definitely what an OW feels, thinks, or believes.

 

You have no idea how an OW feels after a dday. You have no idea what the OW thinks the MP should do and how they feel about their pain and others pain.

 

You have no idea how to offer the support needed and seem to believe in only a black and white whipping as the proper support and everything else as "pampering". No other post is correlating with yours including the ones from BS. Now that is a disconnect that is intriguing and a disconnect worth resolving.

[promises]

to answer the friends piece- I may seem like a lonely soul on here, but I have many friends. I am not alone.

 

This experience is however, one of the loneliest I have ever had.

 

The wrestling match inside is in all honesty not wanting to completely 100% believe that I am forever done with these memories. Totally erasing someones memory is a very difficult thing. There were good times.

 

But, this isn't healthy and hasn't been for some time.

 

I agree- he will CONTINUE to peck at me through any correspondence he can and most likely he'll do it for a long while.

 

I need to be more proactive about ceasing all communications. I understand that. I am being told by my IC NOT to contact the BS or him.

I tend to agree. So, that leaves me with canceling out that email. Probably moving, and dropping a great deal (more) friends.

 

[jwi71]

Yes, I have enlisted my friends/family. I have great love around me. And, when I'm not in this space, I can promise you that my life is right now about 70% in the happiness realm. I come here when it hits me.. this hits me.

 

Good. I can only go by what you post...glad to hear its not the norm.

 

There is more to my story- which is what you are hearing in my pain. He new my pain and monopolized on it. That is the true unrest I feel. That is the most difficult piece of this puzzle.

 

Actually even w/o knowing details I think its the easiest.

What kind of man knows of this pain and uses it to get what he wants?

 

So, it's easy to say that OW are never the victim. I do feel, however, that I have been victimized to a great extent. Whether others choose to understand that or not. But, regardless, I need to move on and this is how I am doing it- writing and just getting the crap emotions out that way.

 

Two sides to every coin - but lets just focus on your side.

 

Of course you are victimized - he knew your weakness and exploited it for personal gain. He betrayed not only his W - but you. And I know how that hurts.

 

Lean on your friends and family. And IC.

 

Take it one day at a time - one step at a time. You'll get there.

[Got it]

Promises, I will caution you a bit on the victim role. I don't know the intricate details of your story. But like most relationships we go into it was a soft heart and a leap of faith and sometimes we fall flat on our faces. But that is okay and that doesn't make us victims.

 

We have to own our choices, own our decisions. But that ownership gives us power! We had say in things, we weren't bystanders in the events of our lives. That is a great thing! You have power.

 

But is hard when things fall apart, it hurts when someone doesn't "choose" us. This rejection is true across the board, for anyone whether they be OP, BS, or just a jilted boy/girlfriend. It is a direct hit to the ego, I know!

 

But know that his decisions are not a reflection of you. Just like no one else's decisions are a reflection of you. You and your actions are a reflection of you. And you can add to it or detract from it each day by the decisions you choose to make. You can fix whatever you feel needs fixing each day. You have the power of a "do over" each sunrise.

 

Lick your wounds, that is okay. Know that you will grieve for awhile and no matter how much you or others may tell you, get over it, it is for the best, the heart takes more time than the head. That is okay and that is normal. Days will get better, first just by a few minutes each day, then by a few hours, then by a day, a week, and then you will realize one day that you haven't thought of him for weeks! You will have focused so much on your life, your life will have been filled by so many amazing and self growing areas, by friends and family, that he no longer holds a place in it. And he will be but a memory.

 

And you will spend a few minutes mourning that piece, but you will dust yourself off, and step forward back into your well filled life. You will be changed by this experience but there will be silver linings from it. You will have learned some deeply felt lessons. You will have grown. You will have learned more about yourself, what you want, need, prioritize, and expect from yourself and from people in your life. If you work through this process, if you go through the pain and work through the grieving process, you will come out a more humble, more self aware, more self content person. And another story from a dear dear lady:

 

"after the mellowing of my pain these last almost 2 years now...and the long, slow journey back to health...I feel I've really and truly survived a major ordeal...a cancer of the heart

 

Cancer is, after all, one's own trusted cells run amok. I let my xMM all the way in, into my secret garden. We had such a connection, in a way he felt like a part of me. It's why...when he turned out to be so thoughtless of me and my needs, when he shamelessly used me as a bandaid for his own messed up life, at first I couldn't believe it. And why it hurt so very much. LIke being sliced by sharp knives from inside of myself.

 

not to minimize in ANY way, the horrors that bodily cancer survivors have been through...but truly this almost did kill me. At the soul level. There were days when I was not sure I would make it. I could not defend from this attack from within...from the man I counted as my soul's perfect match, my deepest connection on this world. (and on some level, it's still true)

 

I have decided to treat myself as a survivor, to honor what I've been through, and be good to myself. I dont beat myself up for taking "too long" to get past this...instead I recognize this was a BIG DEAL. And I have put so much energy into healing my poor broken heart, to ensure it doesn't heal bitterly, with mistrust and the residues of anger.

 

I have also decided to take the lessons I can from this. sometimes cancer survivors say that in the end, the cancer did them a favor because it changed how they live their lives. He has done that for me. I am unrecognizable, from how I was before.

 

I cherish the scars he gave me. I wont be a victim. and I give thanks for the glorious NC that worked it surgical magic, to excise this tumor from my life.

 

I finally feel safe in my own skin. I trust myself to really be there for ME, to protect myself. I'm VIGILANT now. no man will ever do this to me again.

 

and if i ever get a clear shot at xMM's a**, I'm kicking him into the next county!"

[spice4life]

to answer the friends piece- I may seem like a lonely soul on here, but I have many friends. I am not alone.

 

This experience is however, one of the loneliest I have ever had.

 

The wrestling match inside is in all honesty not wanting to completely 100% believe that I am forever done with these memories. Totally erasing someones memory is a very difficult thing. There were good times.

 

But, this isn't healthy and hasn't been for some time.

 

I agree- he will CONTINUE to peck at me through any correspondence he can and most likely he'll do it for a long while.

 

I need to be more proactive about ceasing all communications. I understand that. I am being told by my IC NOT to contact the BS or him.

I tend to agree. So, that leaves me with canceling out that email. Probably moving, and dropping a great deal (more) friends.

 

 

Your IC is right, you shouldn't contact his wife. You are finding out that this is how they handle things and contacting her will do no good. After reading your story it is clear that your xMM is narcissist who is looking for an ego boost when he sends you these "checking in" emails. He is reveling in the fact that there is another woman out there who is hurting over him. It feeds his precious ego. Revel in the fact that you are not responding to his need to feed his ego. Revel in the fact that he is not YOUR problem anymore. If his wife wants to blame you instead of him that's on her. Their relationship is built on a faulty dynamic and if that is how they like it then so be it. By staying out of it and not responding means they can't use you as a distraction from what their real problems are. Revel in that!

[promises]

Your IC is right, you shouldn't contact his wife. You are finding out that this is how they handle things and contacting her will do no good. After reading your story it is clear that your xMM is narcissist who is looking for an ego boost when he sends you these "checking in" emails. He is reveling in the fact that there is another woman out there who is hurting over him. It feeds his precious ego. Revel in the fact that you are not responding to his need to feed his ego. Revel in the fact that he is not YOUR problem anymore. If his wife wants to blame you instead of him that's on her. Their relationship is built on a faulty dynamic and if that is how they like it then so be it. By staying out of it and not responding means they can't use you as a distraction from what their real problems are. Revel in that!

 

 

I love this response. Thank you for taking the time to write. When I say, "I have nothing left to say to him".. I, in fact, mean it. I have nothing to say. And, I also agree with your assessment of their R. And, so be it. I agree that they can no longer use me as a distraction from their issues.

 

Thank you.

[promises]

We give up the right to be victims when we concede.

 

We victimize ourselves. It does not mean your grief is not real. It just means the pain is partially self inflicted. Harder for those to capture sympathy and support but we are here for you

 

I appreciate this.

[spice4life]

I love this response. Thank you for taking the time to write. When I say, "I have nothing left to say to him".. I, in fact, mean it. I have nothing to say. And, I also agree with your assessment of their R. And, so be it. I agree that they can no longer use me as a distraction from their issues.

 

Thank you.

 

You are welcome!

[chalkfarm]

I'd like to know what others have done to find their center again? That would be helpful.

 

Hi there Promises,

 

I don't post often but as I am just over 2 years out of a 1 1/2 year A in which my XMM separated twice from his W (once for a very short time and then again for nearly 6 months with D proceedings in the works) and then went back to reconcile, I thought you might benefit from my perspective.

 

If you were heavily emotionally invested in your MM and had great hopes, that "center" you yearn for will be distant for quite a while. I hate to say it but there are no quick fixes.

 

It took 1 year, 6 moths, and 10 days for me to feel a true shift. I literally felt my brain change a little. Then maybe 6 months after that, a kind man who knew my story told me that "it takes as long as it takes" and there was another brain shift.

 

These "shifts" were due simply to time and someone's understanding.

 

I swear to you that you will be better. You will wake up in the morning and he will not be your first thought. You will go to bed at night and your last thoughts will not be of him. He will fade. You will heal. Promise!

[promises]

Hi there Promises,

 

I don't post often but as I am just over 2 years out of a 1 1/2 year A in which my XMM separated twice from his W (once for a very short time and then again for nearly 6 months with D proceedings in the works) and then went back to reconcile, I thought you might benefit from my perspective.

 

If you were heavily emotionally invested in your MM and had great hopes, that "center" you yearn for will be distant for quite a while. I hate to say it but there are no quick fixes.

 

It took 1 year, 6 moths, and 10 days for me to feel a true shift. I literally felt my brain change a little. Then maybe 6 months after that, a kind man who knew my story told me that "it takes as long as it takes" and there was another brain shift.

 

These "shifts" were due simply to time and someone's understanding.

 

I swear to you that you will be better. You will wake up in the morning and he will not be your first thought. You will go to bed at night and your last thoughts will not be of him. He will fade. You will heal. Promise!

 

Thank you for writing, sharing your story and saying that I will feel better. You know I do feel better. The place I am in today versus the place on dday are night and day. But, I am still in a great deal of anguish over this. In fact I think about him so very often. I hope that subsides soon.

[Decorative]

Promises-

 

You have so many better days ahead.

 

I hope you know you're worth it. I hate that you are struggling, but there's such good things ahead of you, the further you get from this mess.

 

Just take a deep breath and know the good is coming.

[promises]

Promises-

 

You have so many better days ahead.

 

I hope you know you're worth it. I hate that you are struggling, but there's such good things ahead of you, the further you get from this mess.

 

Just take a deep breath and know the good is coming.

 

Thank you, Decorative

[Summer Breeze]

I ended the A when we were on a high. Things had never been better between us and that's what caused me to end it. I finally got to the point I wanted more. I told him what I wanted and that I knew he wouldn't leave so I had to leave him. He was stunned. I had nothing left to say to him. I knew how good it could be and I knew he wasn't leaving home. I wanted more and so did he but only 1 of us was willing to go for it. So I ended it. I had nothing left to say. It was done. I like the post here that says that. You had nothing left to say. Pretty well sums it up. Keep strong OP!