Uh-ohspaghetti-os Posted August 20, 2004 Posted August 20, 2004 I am a 29-year-old woman who has never been married. I have had a number of fairly long-term relationships each lasting around 2 years. Some of been live-in, some live-out. Here's my pattern: I seem to fall in love rather quickly. I get attracted to someone and before I know it, we're an item. All goes well for six months or so. Then "it" starts. "It" is the weird behavior, the pulling away, the acting ambivalent, etc. So this goes on for a while and then I start to feel used and abused, neglected and rejected etc. so I put up with things and then I can't take it anymore. This usually lasts for about a year and then I begin to separate which also takes me awhile. After each of these experiences I withdraw for about three months. Then I come out of hiding, meet someone new, and the cycle begins again. The first one or two times this happened, I didn't think too much about it except that I picked jerks. Now, after 4 or 5 times, I'm beginning to wonder if all men are jerks, or if maybe I have something to do with it. Help me!
Pocky Posted August 20, 2004 Posted August 20, 2004 Keep in touch with any old boyfriends? Ever ask them why after six months they appeared to become aloof? Maybe the vibes you're giving off? Maybe you become "settled" in a relationship and that scares them?
surfergirl Posted August 20, 2004 Posted August 20, 2004 You are a lot like me. I know, for me, after being with them I start to "pick them apart". All the little things that annoy me start to get bigger and bigger and I lose track of all the good things and what attracted me to begin with. I start thinking that maybe I can "do" better - whatever that means I haven't figured out yet but it's my excuse to "get out". My last bf is really a great guy - and I see it now. At the time all I could focus on was those little pet peeves that irritated the sh** out of me. He will be a great guy for some lucky girl but there was just no chemistry between us although we tried. I know that I'm relationship retarded but I'm really trying.....hang in there......you're not alone
EC Posted August 20, 2004 Posted August 20, 2004 Here's the good new, you had the intelligence to recognize that this is a pattern in your life and that it is the first step to doing something about it. Anways, what is a jerk? Sounds like you are defining it as someone who doesn't meet your needs. After all, anyone who can do the relationship thing for six months. That's the falling in love phase when your hearts beat as one and you spend your life in breathless anticipation of your next encounter. How long can that feeling actually last? That is in fact not love but romance. Anyone can do romance becuase it is a delicious high that makes the world sweeter while it lasts. But romance, by it's definition, is based on the fact that it must change into something else and it always does. It eiher progresses into a more mature and sophistictaed love, or it dies on the vine. I think your still looking for the man who will make you feel like the perennial prom queen for the rest of your life. Believe me, this will never happen. Just as no man can keep the romantic stereotype going no woman can be the ongoing object of all his feelings. Unfortunately real life intervenes. People's reality concerns such as jobs, family, friends, outside interests, etc begin to intrude on thr romantic bubble you have created for yourself and like all bubbles it burts. You have to decide whether you want real life or a story book romance. It sounds to me like you interpret your mens needs to pay attention to their individual realities as a rejection of you. Or are you so possesive and obsessed that they actually need to pull away in order to take care of the other priorities in their lives? Ao anyways.. I suggest you need to grow up. This means that you need to look at love and relationships in general as partnerships, where two people share life goals and experiences along a mutually beneficial path. What 'relationship' doesn't mean is an exclusive bubble where real life and other people can never tresspass. Nor can any relationship fill up all your unmet emotional needs, past and present. As you learn to make yourself happy and fufilled in your own life, others won't feel the burden of doing it for you. That way, you can be happy and fufilled together, without pressure, without ownership, and without unreasonable demands for attention. This is the begining of real intimacy. (found this advice in an article i worded it for you I hope it helps:))
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