How to stop thinking of them with someone else.

[XKatieX]

I have always had the fear even sometimes while we were in the relationship that my ex would start seeing someone else after me. The thought of him being with someone else kills me, and never have I had a more definite feeling that he will meet someone and be happy with them one day. The crappy part of it is, even when I am healed, the thought is probably still going to sicken me.

 

It's always been a fear of his too, that I would find someone else, but now is the first time it actually seems like he doesn't care one way or another. Maybe that is why I feel like he'll be able to move on to someone else.

 

I have accepted the relationship is over, but he as a person, I don't think I'll ever be able to fully let go. He was an incredible person, and I had a connection with him that will always be special to me.

 

Towards the end of the relationship, I treated him poorly...I admitted mistakes, told him I would change, but I don't think that it's enough for him

[Mr.White]

Why would you change yourself dramatically for someone else?

 

I learned that the hard way and all of my guy friends warned me but I heeded their warning. Now I am here on this forum two years down the road.

 

You make the mistake of believing that you will never 'let go'. You will find someone that will make you forget about your ex and when you compare him to your ex he will be better at everything.

 

You will let go and move on because break ups are normal and life goes on. Take it slowly and one day at a time.

[XKatieX]

Why would you change yourself dramatically for someone else?

 

I learned that the hard way and all of my guy friends warned me but I heeded their warning. Now I am here on this forum two years down the road.

 

You make the mistake of believing that you will never 'let go'. You will find someone that will make you forget about your ex and when you compare him to your ex he will be better at everything.

 

You will let go and move on because break ups are normal and life goes on. Take it slowly and one day at a time.

 

Well I was very immature at times, anyone would see that, not just him. I would also get jealous, I would overreact to silly things, not communicate my feelings well, call him names, disrespect him. He never gave me a reason to be jealous or overreact to things, that's why I know it was me. I wouldn't just have to change these things for him, I would have to change them in ANY relationship.

No one would put up with some things that he put up with. Granted, I put up with a lot of things too.

[darkmoon]

you'll spot some attractive new guy soon, just learn from the past now, ok, you'll start fancying somebody....or vice versa....so sort out your clothes to be ready for the next chapter of your life

[Mr.White]

Now you can learn the hard way and improve it.

 

Everyone has flaws, no one is perfect. We're human, we cannot all be the model with a six pack or fat in the right places.

 

Focus on yourself, improving yourself and be selfish. This is YOU time now.

 

When you are healed you will likely still not care whether he is with someone else or not. Being healed means you no longer have feelings for the other person and can be happy without them.

 

I do not care that my ex is being exclusive with a guy, I am glad she did it after our relationship ended.

 

Sure your ex may have a special place in your heart but you should make room for the next man in your life

[Feelin Frisky]

Start by admitting to yourself that this is an unhealthful and undisciplined foray into obsession that you no longer accept of yourself. Just keep trying to discipline yourself that way. You have no control over anything like that so you have to accept your powerlessness and understand that yielding to preoccupation with it is a weakness you don't accept of yourself. If you can't re-orient your life to busy in fulfilment of your own new experience and are stuck in the shadow of some sort of co-dependent preoccupation, see a psychiatrist and work with them to change your chemistry so that it's not all on you to out-think your inclinations. Seriously, good luck and come back and talk about your progress. Been there.

[XKatieX]

I appreciate the advice given here, but do you think that holding onto hope is useless at this point?

 

I've sent him emails, he knows that I will change things, he knows that I know I've messed up. I think it took him leaving me to realize these things, it was definitely a wake-up call. The thing is I've made the same mistakes before, so I really don't know this time. This time is different for me because it's never felt worse, I've never had this much guilt and epiphanies before.

 

I'd also like to mention that we were together for 6 years and engaged, so it wasn't like he was this "fling" I had.

Edited January 12, 2013 by XKatieX

[Mr.White]

The thing is I've made the same mistakes before, so I really don't know this time. This time is different for me because it's never felt worse, I've never had this much guilt and epiphanies before.

 

E mail that.

 

You offered to change those negative traits about you, now there could be more then that that caused this but it is up to you to share if you feel like it.

 

I hope you two can work it out. Best of luck!

[Gingerxr2]

Well I was very immature at times, anyone would see that, not just him. I would also get jealous, I would overreact to silly things, not communicate my feelings well, call him names, disrespect him. He never gave me a reason to be jealous or overreact to things, that's why I know it was me. I wouldn't just have to change these things for him, I would have to change them in ANY relationship.

No one would put up with some things that he put up with. Granted, I put up with a lot of things too.

 

Fair play for admitting it !! Takes gutts x

[XKatieX]

E mail that.

 

You offered to change those negative traits about you, now there could be more then that that caused this but it is up to you to share if you feel like it.

 

I hope you two can work it out. Best of luck!

 

I think I will wait a while to email it or I might not. I sent him many emails, stating I know I messed up and I also told him the last email I sent would really be the last one. So if he ever replies to me, then I may send it. But thank you, I hope things work out too.

 

Fair play for admitting it !! Takes gutts x

Thanks, and yes it does.

[BUBS]

I see where you are coming from, I, too blame myself for the demise of my relationship, for wearing on him, knitpicking, name calling, general childlike fits 'and immaturity. However you've made it clear you acknowledge these things that need to change, you've assessed youre wrongdoing in the matter and offered to fix it. It took him leaving me to realize that I had gotten out of hand in my antics a bit, never too insane just what you were talking about. When he first broke off our engagement, I emailed him an apology and said that I was willing to acknowledge the things that needed work, and also work on them, that we could grow together. He was too far gone. I think it shows maturity in itself that you were able to see that you contributed problems, however you did not cause them all, the things you fought with him over that may seem petty, at the time probably upset you.

 

I know there were occasions where my ex did things and I kept my mouth shut. Point in fact being that we all make mistakes, I was willing to push through and learn, and also to continue to love him through his mistakes, he was unwilling to love me through my growing. If you've sent him emails already explaining your will to change, then there is nothing else you can do but go ahead and change darlin'. If you run into one another a while later and you are more mature he will see it, and if you don't well then you are still building the foundation for a healthy relationship in the future. But trust I understand, it hurts terribly to see the error in your ways and not have the opportunity to make things right or see how things "could be"... Just be kind to yourself, no one is perfect, just keep striving to be the best version of yourself, for yourself and not anyone else and that's all that matters.

 

I'm ashamed sometimes when I think of how he may or may not remember me, but then I remind myself that he is just as immature if he can not look past the things that ALWAYS occur in growing long term relationships and see my good. God knows I see his good.

[XKatieX]

I see where you are coming from, I, too blame myself for the demise of my relationship, for wearing on him, knitpicking, name calling, general childlike fits 'and immaturity. However you've made it clear you acknowledge these things that need to change, you've assessed youre wrongdoing in the matter and offered to fix it. It took him leaving me to realize that I had gotten out of hand in my antics a bit, never too insane just what you were talking about. When he first broke off our engagement, I emailed him an apology and said that I was willing to acknowledge the things that needed work, and also work on them, that we could grow together. He was too far gone. I think it shows maturity in itself that you were able to see that you contributed problems, however you did not cause them all, the things you fought with him over that may seem petty, at the time probably upset you.

 

I know there were occasions where my ex did things and I kept my mouth shut. Point in fact being that we all make mistakes, I was willing to push through and learn, and also to continue to love him through his mistakes, he was unwilling to love me through my growing. If you've sent him emails already explaining your will to change, then there is nothing else you can do but go ahead and change darlin'. If you run into one another a while later and you are more mature he will see it, and if you don't well then you are still building the foundation for a healthy relationship in the future. But trust I understand, it hurts terribly to see the error in your ways and not have the opportunity to make things right or see how things "could be"... Just be kind to yourself, no one is perfect, just keep striving to be the best version of yourself, for yourself and not anyone else and that's all that matters.

 

I'm ashamed sometimes when I think of how he may or may not remember me, but then I remind myself that he is just as immature if he can not look past the things that ALWAYS occur in growing long term relationships and see my good. God knows I see his good.

 

Thank you that is probably the best advice I have recieved yet, and it will certainly help me move on.

[steelpantherrocks]

katie sorry if this is too personal, but how old are you. the things you describe you did during your relationship are very similar to what my ex did. the rerason why i ask, is because during our time together i could never get her to admit she was ever wrong or had any part in why we were fighting, it was always finger pointing at me, and when we split afterwards she still couldnt apoligize or admit any fault for where we ended up. you said you were imature and spiteful, she is exactly that way. imature in the fact that she wont take responsibility for being jelous, lazy etc and spiteful in that she chased another guy before we split and when we finally broke it off she slept with this guy days after because she felt "betrayed" i am just wondering if you feel these feelings now or did you always. id love to be able to hear her say im sorry, i was wrong i did this that or whatever instead of blamming me. i know itll never happen but it would be nice. shes young she was 25. we were engaged and were together for almost 5 yrs. im 36 so im a bit more established and rational than she is. just curious, and yes mine is being the town pump right now and its been only 4 months, ran through a bunch of guys so i know exactly what your going through.. hardest thing ive ever had to try and not think about.

[LostGirl11]

I'm doing this too! Hate it!

[XKatieX]

katie sorry if this is too personal, but how old are you. the things you describe you did during your relationship are very similar to what my ex did. the rerason why i ask, is because during our time together i could never get her to admit she was ever wrong or had any part in why we were fighting, it was always finger pointing at me, and when we split afterwards she still couldnt apoligize or admit any fault for where we ended up. you said you were imature and spiteful, she is exactly that way. imature in the fact that she wont take responsibility for being jelous, lazy etc and spiteful in that she chased another guy before we split and when we finally broke it off she slept with this guy days after because she felt "betrayed" i am just wondering if you feel these feelings now or did you always. id love to be able to hear her say im sorry, i was wrong i did this that or whatever instead of blamming me. i know itll never happen but it would be nice. shes young she was 25. we were engaged and were together for almost 5 yrs. im 36 so im a bit more established and rational than she is. just curious, and yes mine is being the town pump right now and its been only 4 months, ran through a bunch of guys so i know exactly what your going through.. hardest thing ive ever had to try and not think about.

 

Not too personal at all, I'm 19. I mostly had a hard time seeing I was wrong in the heat of the moment. When he said he was done after I knew I did something really stupid, it was a wake up call for me. He didn't speak to me for 3 weeks and I realized I had to change. He made mistakes in the relationship too, infact he made many of the same mistakes I did. In your case not being able to admit shes wrong, isn't always because of age but it may be because of a big ego. That also could be why she cheated on you, or she just doesn't know what she wants.

Edited January 17, 2013 by XKatieX